moving on or not????
Posted 12 May 2007 - 11:48 PM
Who has moved on? What is moving on entail? How do you know when you are ready?
Thats just 3 of the monster questions racing around in my head. I am so ready to just scream at everyone and I swear the next person that say haven't you had sex yet I will fair flatten. Why do people think that because my ex got over me and was dating just 2 months later that I should be the same. Most days I am fine with being single, being an awesome mum and all the rest that comes with it. It seems to the rest of the world that I truely have my act together and that life couldn't be better. Truth is (and this is me being brutally honest here) that I am totally scared to death at the prospect that this singleness will last forever and that I am destined to become a lonely bitter old woman. I hate being alone and yet at the same time I am scared to have someone else in my life for fear that I will make the same mistakes again and that I will fail my kids and meet some freaky guy that is gonna treat us like garbage again. I am so sick of being in my own head and I am so sick of talking to people who say, "give it time", "you just neeed to get laid", "deal with it".
I just wish I had some one close to me that knew just how I was feeling. My friends are either married or new had a guy in their life, my parents are happily married and have been for nearly 26 years. No one understands me or my head space and I just feel so alone in all of this. I would never get back with my ex and yet I hate the fact that he has found someone new so fast and I am struggling to get past all the cr@p still. I have only ever had 2 serious relationships, the first one resulted in him attempting to rape me, I was just lucky some one came up the walking track behind us, the second relationship I married but then witness all sorts of violent tendencies and it just got to scarey and too risky to live in that environment. So maybe subconciously I am scared to death that I am gonna pull a hat trick and end up with another a***hole.
I need someone to tell me I am not crazy and I am not a freak and that life will be okay and I will be fine. I need some one to give me a hug so I know they care about what I am going through and how I feel. I feel so stupid for feeling like this, I think I am final on top of things and then one little thing just eats at me and I crash in a heap, like I am right now. I am exhuasted because I am doing so much to keep busy and take my mind of my feelings, but of a night I just sit and think about everything and then I can't shut my head of and I send myself absolutely crazy. I am just so over being me I need a holiday inside someone elses brain for a while.
And please don't think I am being awful here, cause I am thrilled to read through post of people that have come from where I am and made a new life, but it just makes me cry, cause I just want to be happy like that and at the moment I am just faking my happiness for alot of people because I am over everyones pity, I don't want pity I just want someone to understand.
Sorry girls like I said at the start just a huge vent if you read this then thanks it is appreciated. I shall shut-up now.
Posted 13 May 2007 - 11:34 AM
First of all big hugs to you. It sounds like youre feeling pretty down. But it WILL get easier. I know everyone says this, that time heals, but really i believe it does.
Everyone moves on at different paces...some people, like your ex, move on from a relationship by launching themselves into another one while others, like yourself, are much more cautious. Theres nothing wrong with being cautious and taking the time to heal, in fact i think its a much better idea then launching yourself onto the singles scene and dating when youre not ready.
In time you will feel ready and you wont be single forever. I worry about this too, and i worry that there are no good guys left out there. I find it very hard too cause 99% of my friends are married/coupled up and while i know they do their best to understand, sometimes i feel like noone gets where i'm at and what i've been going through in the last 6 months. Thats why i get on here and vent in threads like this
When i first split up with my ex i was so incredibly lonely. I cried every day and all i wanted was someone, anyone, to cuddle me. But deep down i knew that wasnt the answer and the right way to move on properly. I think youre probably in the same boat. When you are ready to meet someone again you will feel it, you will feel ready. Until then dont push yourself!!!And dont listen to people who say stuff like "havent you had s*x yet"...its none of their business anyway!!
In the meantime, take the time for you. Are you trying to do things YOU love, that make you happy?It sounds silly but i tried a couple of new interests that id always wanted to do and that made me happier in myself when i found something new i enjoyed. Be nice to yourself...do things to treat you and make you feel good. In time, you will feel happier and one day you will wake up and feel ready to explore meeting someone new. Just give it time and in the meantime be good and true to yourself
Take care and know that youre not the only one who has been through or is going through this...it WILL get easier
Posted 13 May 2007 - 12:51 PM
Monkeymoo, thanks for your PM hope my PM back makes sense and I am sure everyone will understand that you don't want to spread your private stuff But thanks for sharing it has helped clear a few things up for me
Posted 13 May 2007 - 01:18 PM
I don't know of all your circumstances, I can only relate it to what I have been through (of which no two situations are alike) but a lot of the feelings cut just as deep.
I have been in a relationship where I was treated poorly (mainly mental abuse) and it took me a lot of time and anguish to get to the point where I realised that I did need it, and didn't have to settle for it, so I got rid of it (him).
It was really difficult, and I too went through a lot of those feelings you are having (only I was lucky enough not to have any kids to this guy - although we were engaged and talking about having kids).
You feel so lost, when you're on your own, after you've been with someone for so long and around them all the time. there's that empty space and that arguement within your own head about being relieved one moment and lost and lonely the next!
After that I had no urges to go find someone else at all... and when I did... I pushed them away so many times. I was going to let myself fall in love!!! No way! That guy that I pushed away continually is now my husband and my soul mate. At the end of the day I think because I wouldn't settle for just 'something' when I did find it, and tried to get rid of it - but it wouldn't go and kept coming back... (in a good way) it meant that after some time..I new it was right. In short, I guess I gave him a hard time for a while (plenty of tests LOL) and... he passed them all. Some times I still find myself guarded. Those old wounds dig deep. And I can be quite cold and unforgiving and I certainly won't put up with any cr@p. We'll be married for 10 years next March.
In the interim, you need to focus on yourself and your family. Your health and well being is the most important as it reflects on those around you.
My strong recommendation to you is... MEDITATION...
When I get really upset about things, beside myself with pain (especially the sinking gut, hurting heart and overall sadness) I close my eyes and start concentrating on my breathing... the mind does keep wondering back to the aweful things/feelings, but it's up to you to practise controlling that and bringing your mind back to concentrating on your breathing. to the point where it starts calming you down.
For every negative thought - think of a positive thought (write it down so you can reflect on it?)
There's that old saying - if you haven't loved you haven't lived. And sometime, in the future you will be ready to lend yourself to someone else. But there is no way in the world that I'd be thinking about that right now (last thing on the list) when you're feeling the way you do.
If these people that keep asking you these questions continue to ask them, then it's time to put out a firm word of warning. Tell them they are not helping you and making you feel worse by there actions. It might be the realisation they need to back off! Hopefully then they might start to realise that you are crying out for a shoulder and some understanding (a break)... rather than having no idea and offering up stupid solutions like getting laid.
Keep concentrating on your hobbies, and maybe try and 'plan' for those times when you're feeling a little lost (particularly at night time).
Think about what times of the day you feel like this. Is there a pattern? What sort of things can you change/do at that time, that will divert your brain/heart ache to something else?
If you have a bit of a think about it when you're feeling okay about the world and plan for the down times, it will help to make those down times shorter. And when you are ready (and ONLY when YOU are ready).. you will build the inner strength to start moving another step forward.
One step at a time chickadee. It takes a LOT of focus and a bit of hard work... but each day you can work on yourself, will be another day that you are that bit stronger.
~ Until you spread your wings, you'll have no idea how far you can fly ~
I was previously known as Alluring Fashions & now Igniting Desires!!! Woot! Ask me for a discount
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