Jump to content


Photo

SIL bridesmaid woes


  • Please log in to reply
12 replies to this topic

#1 Elisha

Elisha

    Advanced Member

  • frequent poster
  • PipPipPip
  • 310 posts

Posted 07 April 2007 - 10:36 PM

Hey everyone,

I am asking for help & advice, heres the short version of the story... (well the shortest anyway!)

My H2B & I have been together for 7 years, we have 3 children together, the oldest boy nearly 3 years old, and twins (boy & girl) that are 7 weeks old. We have set a date of november 2010 to get married because then all our children will be old enough to be part of our wedding.

My H2B sister (my future SIL) is getting married in December this year. She & I are not what you would call close (when I first started goin out with her brother she spread nasty rumours about me to family & friends, which i am still dealing with to this day with the family), however when their dad passed away 3 weeks before having my son we decided to bury the hatchet, things have moved along slowly but at least we speak to each other & get along much better.

This is my complaint:

I have not been included in the wedding at all & neither has my son (I understand the twins are a bit young), instead she has chosen a relative of her H2B and a work colleague. I am very hurt & angry at this as although we arent 'tight' i thought she would include me as i am the only 'sister' she is going to have, and she mine. I asked her via text a while ago as to why my son hasnt been included & her excuse was all plans havent been finalised yet 2 weeks prior she told me all things were finished. When I asked her bout me she told me she was going to have me but then changed but then something happened to change her mind.

I am very upset that she hasnt included me or my son. Her page boy is to be H2B's cousins son who is only just turned 1. I thought she would at least include her nephew. In regards to me she even told a very close family friend that she was having me & an old schoolfriend, but she has now chosen neither of us, which has upset her friend greatly also. I am particularly upset that she told me she was going to have me then changed her mind. I dont even know what it is that happened to make her change her mind but when I asked she changed the subject

If i was in this situation I would probably just add another bridesmaid but i dont know if this thought has crossed her mind, I know its not because of cost because both mothers are paying for the wedding & SIL & BIL have saved up a lot as well (both fathers passed away)

I would really like to be part of her wedding as i believe it will also help our relationship but am unsure as to how to bring up this topic without sounding bitchy or like its sour grapes.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

I really want her to know how much she has upset & hurt me...

And is it wrong that if she doesnt include me that I dont include her in my wediing?

(Sorry this is long everyone I just wanted to give you a clear picture)
<a href="http://www.weddingco...countdown.com">
<img border="0" src="http://img.weddingco...ker/9mxd5e.png" alt="wedding website" />
</a>

#2 RachelleB

RachelleB

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,299 posts

Posted 08 April 2007 - 02:35 AM

I think it's sad that she hasn't included your son, and I would tell her that you are offended that she has chosen another child, one who is really too young, when your son would be perfect.

Regarding yourself, it doesn't really surprise me that she isn't having you, you say that you are not close. I don't think a wedding is the right time for cementing relationships - you want to have your nearest and dearest around you for the lead up and the day - you don't want to worry about trying to get along with someone. It wasn't very nice of her to tell you that you would be included but then change her mind without explanation though. Did you ask? Is that when she said that you would be included? Or did she bring it up herself? Perhaps if you asked she felt pressured so she just said ok but then after considering it more she decided that she would rather have someone closer?

As for her being part of your bridal party, personally I don't find it wrong that you don't want her in yours - she's offended you, hurt your feelings and hasn't explained why - a friend wouldn't do that and you wouldn't want anyone but a true friend in your bridal party.

IPB Image

#3 Elisha

Elisha

    Advanced Member

  • frequent poster
  • PipPipPip
  • 310 posts

Posted 08 April 2007 - 08:37 AM

Thanks for confirming some of my concerns.

I have told her that i am upset that my son has not been included, but was told that the child is her godson, and i didnt make her my sons godmother.

In regards to me, we aren't that close but we are still close enough, and while you do want your nearest & dearest people around you (which I understand) why am i not reagrded as one of these people? She chooses & prefers her H2B's family over her own.

She told me she was going to include me after i had asked her why my son & I werent included. She had already chosen her bridesmaids. The other thing was that she didnt even have the guts to tell me herself who she is having in her wedding party, i had to find out from someone else, thats just insulting. I did not expect to be included but would have been nice anyway
I really feel quite upset about all this & am even contemplating not going, and none of my children will attend either.

Normally I'm not one to care what other people think but it doesnt really look very nice to all the family that she has someone from her H2B's side of the family & not her future SIL. Also her H2B is having cousin (MOH) partner in bridal party so its pretty much all his family & no one from hers.

The other thing i forgot to add was that she has asked my H2B (her brother) to give her away which I think is a lovely gesture as their father passed away but has already stated that he wont be able to help me look after our children as he has to do what she wants.

Im just so confused & I really need your thoughts & advice....

#4 Renee`

Renee`

    Kaele & Miller's mum <3

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 20,806 posts

Posted 08 April 2007 - 08:44 AM

I have to agree, I do think it is a bit sucky that she hasn't had her nephew in the mix, but people do different things for different reasons....

As for you, if you would like to know if you have done anything to upset her, I think you should concentrate on trying to find out with it having NOTHING to do with wether you are in the bridal party or not.

You have said you have been hurt alot by her, and that you have sorta started getting along, to me that doesn't say you should be in her bridal party, and as Rachael said, asking someone to be in a bridal party shouldn't be a peace offering.

My SIL was my 2nd BM at my wedding, and she got married on my birthday last year, and alot of people were horrified that I wasn't asked to be in her bridal party, I was quite upset, I thought we got along really well, but then i reaalised she had other people in her life that meant something to her.

To be able to enjoy the wedding you need to move past this, and to be able to improve on your realtionship with your SIL you must move on.

ETA reply for your next post.
To be quite honest with you...it shouldn't matter 'which' family the people are coming from, and I know this sounds harsh, but HER future inlaws are her H2B's family, she needs to make effort with them as well, she is marrying into THAT family, not marrying in your's, you are marrying into her's etc.
I chose my SIL for that reason, we got along really well, and I wanted someone from my now husbands family with me - to show I cared about their family in a weird sort of way...smile.gif

I think you are putting alot of pressure on to her to be quite honest, if she said you and your son would be included after you confronted her, well then I think that I would probably buckle and say you were in it too!
I actually don't believe it is right to ASK someone why you haven't included X or Y in there bridal party, although I think it is sad that your nephew hasn't been asked, I can understand her wanting her godson.

You are using your children as an emotional pawn now, and I don't think that is fair, because you are upset that you are not going to be a bridesmaid saying that you will not take your children, how is that fair? You can't be in everyone's bridal party, so do you expect to not go to all the weddings/

I understand how hurt you COULD be because you THOUGHT you were close enough to be apart of her wedding day, and then you were told you would be (under pressure I think but anyway) and then to find out off someone else that you are not in it. (I actually don't blame her for not wanting to upset you and tell you to your face) but I think you really really need to look at why you are really upset. It can't be just over this.

I think you should also put the shoe on the other foot, imagine if this was her doing this to you in the lead up to your wedding, it only leaves negative thoughts and bad tastes in mouths when you look back on the planning of the wedding. Please think about that...
K&R - 260205
KBW - 031107
MAW - 220310
Love.Laugh.Live.

#5 Elisha

Elisha

    Advanced Member

  • frequent poster
  • PipPipPip
  • 310 posts

Posted 08 April 2007 - 09:07 AM

I did not pressure her into telling me that i was going to be in the wedding party. I found out who was in the wedding party then asked her later on why we werent included thats when she told me she originally did want me & schoolfriend but then changed her mind, i dont know what happened to change her mind but thats what id like to know, but she will not tell me.

I understand that she wants her godson but she is still upset at me for not making her my sons godmother. He doesnt have any godparents as he is not christened so she should not feel offended, and she is his aunty...nothing will ever change that.

Thanks for all your advice everyone, i do understand that we are not close & that it is her day & that she is marrying into his family and all that, but it still hurts.

I was going to have her as part of my bridal party but now because of this i dont think i will...i know this sounds horrible & bitchy but now i feel that me & my children arent important to her so why should i make her part of one of the biggest days of my life.

I know that by not allowing my children to go is a bit harsh but she is really giving the impression that she doesnt want them there, also I know i am their mother but how am i going to deal with a 3 year old & 9 month old twins by myself? None of the family will lift a finger...

It is all so emotionally draining...I should be celebrating the birth of my beautiful twins (& so should my H2B's family) but all we ever hear about is the wedding....
<a href="http://www.weddingco...countdown.com">
<img border="0" src="http://img.weddingco...ker/9mxd5e.png" alt="wedding website" />
</a>

#6 Old_User

Old_User

    i-do Addict

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,685 posts

Posted 08 April 2007 - 09:33 AM

I agree with Lib if she was to ask you it would be for all the wrong reasons and you dont want to be there just because she felt like she had to have you in the bridal party. It is upsetting though that your son isn't included in the ceremony, surely she could have 2 ring bearers/paige boys.

If I were you I wouldn't ask her to be in your bridal party, it is an important role and only to be filled by those of huge importance to you. Don't be suprised if she starts sucking up though as it gets closer to the wedding, but hold your ground and don't ask her to be part of it.
<center><img src="http://img.photobuck...ATBLINKIE.gif">

'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.' - Dr. Seuss

#7 Renee`

Renee`

    Kaele & Miller's mum <3

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 20,806 posts

Posted 08 April 2007 - 09:44 AM

Elisha, I understand it could be sucky.

Yes you are so right you should be enjoying the birth of your wonderful twins, so take a step back, just because everyone else is surrounding themselves with this weddding, doesn;'t mean you have to!!
Take a step away from it, you are not in the wedding *which know could be a blessing* and enjoy your children...go have a free meal...mayeb try to get a baby sitter, and just enjoy the night wathcing your husband dressed up in a handsome suit..

And I would definately if I was you, put the wedding stuff aside and if you really want to develop a relationship with your SIL work on that without talk of a wedding.

There is alot more to life then one day.
K&R - 260205
KBW - 031107
MAW - 220310
Love.Laugh.Live.

#8 Elisha

Elisha

    Advanced Member

  • frequent poster
  • PipPipPip
  • 310 posts

Posted 08 April 2007 - 09:57 AM

I know you are all pretty much right in most of the things you say

I guess I will just confront her, let her know how i feel & let it be.

Dont worry KITTEN I will stand my ground I am very stubborn & will make sure she isnt in my wedding party.

Renee thanks for your advice..you're right I shouldnt worry bout the wedding talk & i should concentrate on my twins. I should also work on my relationship with SIL away from wedding plans which is what we have been doing (only yesterday we went shopping together for MIL birthday present) & last weeek asked her to help me look after the twins at footy match (which she did) so things are developing. Just hope it continues to do so & I hope that i can get past this hurt & anger & that it doesnt affect my relationship with her

Just hope that H2B family dont take things the wrong way (they are likely to see my not asking bout wedding plans as jealousy or me not bein interested). the family doesnt like me & will find any excuse to put me down. They are still tryin after 7 years to split me & H2B up.... not going to work though

Anyone who still has advice feel free to post, im still confused...
<a href="http://www.weddingco...countdown.com">
<img border="0" src="http://img.weddingco...ker/9mxd5e.png" alt="wedding website" />
</a>

#9 Old_User

Old_User

    i-do Addict

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,685 posts

Posted 08 April 2007 - 10:05 AM

Don't let what they say get you down, you and your h2b know how you feel about each other and as you said they won't break you up smile.gif

You have a perfectly legitimate excuse for not asking about the wedding and that is that you've got young kids that i'm sure take up most of your energy and therefore you don't have time to think about someone else's wedding that you're not even a part of. If they are talking about it around you in a group discussion, get involved if there's anything you want to talk about, but just don't raise the wedding up yourself (again unless you really want to), I don't think they'll really notice if you do it that way.

I agree with Renee, take some time out for just yourselves and enjoy your new babies smile.gif

Hope things get better for you soon biggrin.gif
<center><img src="http://img.photobuck...ATBLINKIE.gif">

'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.' - Dr. Seuss

#10 Genie

Genie

    Advanced Member

  • frequent poster
  • PipPipPip
  • 302 posts

Posted 09 April 2007 - 11:48 AM

Hi Elisha,

Just a quick post to say that i agree with most of the advice already given.

On a personal note, I don't have the best relationship with my SIL either, it deteriorated the moment I became engaged before her, as the 'green eyed monster' appeared. She was a member of my bridal party and made things difficult throughout the entire process, but i won't go on with all the details, suffice to say that I know what she is really like now and things will never be truly the same. Congratulations to you though for calling a truce and deciding to work through whatever problems you may have had.

Prior to either of us becoming engaged I was told I would be a BM in her wedding, she has since become engaged and I have not been asked, (whilst others have) I assume I am not going to be in the bridal party and quiet frankly, its a relief!!!

As for your question of whether or not you should ask her to be a BM in return, I don't think you should feel obligated to ask her purely because she is your SIL, (and obviously she didn't feel obligated either!) similarly, you need to judge how the relationship is between the 2 of you. You want people around you who are going to support you and be helpful, not make things more difficult then they need to be.

Also, it's your decision, but I wouldn't not ask her just because she didn't ask you.
Happy as a girl can be...

#11 lil chicken

lil chicken

    i-do Addict

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,165 posts

Posted 11 April 2007 - 09:30 AM

I think it is always so hard to decide on your bridal party, and in most cases noses are put out of joint one way or the other. I know after now having to go through choosing BM's myself, I will be ALOT more sensitive to future friends who are getting married to be cool with whatever they decide as I know firsthand how much thought goes into who you choose and why.

You mentioned you have past history with your SIL which wasn't always pleasant, although you have begun to mend your differences which is wonderful-even if the problems were generated by her.. this may be part of the reason she hasn't chosen yourself or your son as part of her bridal party? which I think is understandable.

I know it must be hard for you, being her only SIL and your son her only nephew and being overlooked, but perhaps you are concerned more about people on the outside looking in at that and what they would think, rather than really wanting to be a part of her special day?

Please don't think I'm judging you, I am just trying to play devil's advocate so you can get as many different perspectives as possible and it may help you to understand where she is coming from by not having you involved.

I hope it all works out for you smile.gif
<center><embed src="http://www.widdlytin...ouncements.swf" FlashVars="t1=&t2=&t3=&bname=Lil Miss H&gender=female&printtype=hand" quality="high" wmode="transparent" width="250" height="370" name="Footprint Birth Announcements" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="samedomain" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedi...getflashplayer" /></embed><br><a href="http://www.widdlytin...nks.com/">Birth Announcements</a></center>

#12 Elisha

Elisha

    Advanced Member

  • frequent poster
  • PipPipPip
  • 310 posts

Posted 11 April 2007 - 11:19 AM

Hey guys

I just wanna say thanks for all your advice, Ive pretty much just decided to forget there is even a wedding going on until it actually happens.

I can understand it is a hard decision to pick your bridal party & i know it will be hard for me when i choose my own, however no matter what problems SIL has with me my son was (until 7 weeks ago) her only nephew. It is her brothers son & the sad thing is that their dad passed away knowing he was going to have a grandson. If anything I thought that she would include him as he is the only grandchild her father will ever know of & while I know it is starting to get emotional with my son & FIL I know that it is also hurting my H2B although he would never say anything as he is the peacemaker.

I know you cant make everyone happy & my thing is I dont aim to as long as im happy i dont really care, well thats not true I do care but MY happiness is my priority.

I think in some ways she has been a bitch through all of this. I suppose i really shouldnt be offended as i just found out she hasnt included her younger brother (although i dont blame her I wouldnt include him either) but I wouldnt be surprised if that changes, Mummy controls everything & if she wants younger brother in wedding then he will be in it.

Will keep u all posted

<a href="http://www.weddingco...countdown.com">
<img border="0" src="http://img.weddingco...ker/9mxd5e.png" alt="wedding website" />
</a>

#13 chelley

chelley

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 9,900 posts

Posted 17 April 2007 - 02:45 PM

It is sad that you haven't been included but I really believe you are better off just letting things lie rather than pushing the issue any further.

Yes it would have been nice if she had included your son - but she didn't. He is too young to remember the day and honestly he will probably have a better time being babysat at home with the twins. Weddings are long days for young children so I think it is better you leave them at home.

I think the best thing to do is to think what you can learn from this for when you are planning your own wedding. 2010 is still a long way off and your relationship may change with her and you may want her to be a bridesmaid. Don't choose now so far off from the wedding and when you are angry.

Just enjoy the day, be glad you don't have the responsibility of being a bridesmaid and take an opportunity to collect ideas for your own day
IPB Image

Check out my blog at www.geeyourebrave.com




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users