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side of my mum i'm not liking

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#1 aengel



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Posted 15 March 2007 - 01:22 AM

well i've been engaged for five days now and i'm getting this feeling that my mum is going to want to take complete control.

she's already organising the engagement party in her head and how we're going to have all my extended family there and stuff - no thought as to my me and my partner's friends who we'll want to come.

she's bought me two bridal magazines and has already looked up reception venue websites (we haven't set a date or anything but the wedding probably won't be for another two or so years).

i've already got a few disapproving stern looks when i've mentioned things about the wedding, mostly i was playing around - like have a skull bride and groom as cake toppers and having a black wedding dress blink.gif

my partner and i aren't really 'conventional' in our approach to many things and i'm worried that she'll be pushing us, or at least me, into this traditional wedding when all we really want is great big party.

do you think maybe it's the initial excitment (i doubt she ever thought i'd be the first in our family to get married, if i was going to get married at all wink.gif ) or do you think it's just the beginning of her neurotic control??

maybe i should have a chat before things get crazy

#2 Smooch


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Posted 15 March 2007 - 05:49 AM

Hmm my mother is the same. We have now been engaged for 8 months and she is still challenging and critisising my choices for the wedding so I try and keep her out of it as much as possible. Nothing worse than you picking something that you really like, only to have you mother carry on that she doesn't like it. It just makes you feel horrible and second guess your choices.

My parents had offered to pay for our wedding but we have since taken that away from them and we are paying for most of it ourselves now so that I can do things my way. They offered the money but with conditions on how we could spend it and it had to be done their way and it wasn't my finance' and my wedding it was 'our' (meaning my parents too) wedding. That was the final straw for us. Weddings are a reflection of your relationship, not what your parents want.

This is your wedding. If she wants to be involved, then give her something that she can't stuff up and will keep her occupied for ages. For example, you come up with a top 3 reception venues and let her go through them all and pick which one she likes best etc. However this didn't work for me as my mother and I have VERY different tastes, so I just didn't trust her to pick something that was me. She would be picking things that were her!

I think you just need to take control and if they are paying for it, then expect head butting with them. If you pay, then they really can't tell you what to have. They can suggest it but you don't have to take it.

I know what it's like to have a meddling mother wink.gif


#3 Aprilbride



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Posted 15 March 2007 - 07:19 AM

QUOTE(aengel @ Mar 15 2007, 02:22 AM) View Post

do you think maybe it's the initial excitment (i doubt she ever thought i'd be the first in our family to get married, if i was going to get married at all wink.gif ) or do you think it's just the beginning of her neurotic control??

maybe i should have a chat before things get crazy

This was my first thoughts reading your post - perhaps she is just excited.

However l would try to nip it in the bud before she goes too far or perhaps starts booking things or getting iteas set in her mind that you haven't even agreed to. Perhaps have a casual chat along the lines of "l'm glad for your thoughts and research but remember this is our wedding and we really want it to reflect us not just be a stock standard BWW that has no personality or individuality, we will listen to your thoughts and ideas but at the end of the day it is about our union and something we need to be able to look back on in 50 years and be happy it was the day we wanted" (you get what l'm trying to say)

My Mum (and MIL) was the same (although l have to say l was very lucky 90% of the time they were great) at times she was unsure about some things we were wanting to do - but l got used to saying things along the lines of "yes that would be one way of doing it but l've looked into it and actually booked this or that" (even if l hadn't actually booked it yet by saying it was booked kind of stopped the conversation quicker).

#4 kimbalina


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Posted 15 March 2007 - 07:35 AM

awwww -- the woman is clearly ecstatic!

If you aren't going to marry for 2 years, she'll calm down and you have plenty of time to do things your way.

i know how annoying it can be when your mum is being over the top and pushy, but it sounds like she's just ultra excited...

Let her go without making any decisions at all, and she'll calm down a bit!
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#5 LiAsh


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Posted 15 March 2007 - 07:57 AM

I agree that she might just be excited, but at the end fo the day, you know your mum best - is she likely to just be excited, or is there something else that makes you think she's trying to take control?

I would suggest having a quick chat with her along the lines that you're not even thinking about setting a date at the moment, and therefore you're not worried about picking themes, etc until you do.

That way, she can still do all her research, and will most likely present ideas to you when she find things, but there's no deadline for her to be aiming for, and when she presents an idea you don't like, you can just say "thats nice, but not really our style".

We had problems with parents expecting to have a say when they contributed $$. We had to put a stop to that, so we let them know that we wouldn't be needing their money, and did things our way - rather than what we thought they expected from us - and we had the most fantastic day!

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