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Problems with my FMIL


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#46 tastebud

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Posted 06 November 2006 - 12:33 PM

I hate that she gets to win by you two breaking up....!!

Sorry if thats too harsh.

What has to happen for you guys to stay together?

I guess I mean, what does h2b have to do / say to get you two back on track?

I don't mean what do your parents and in-laws have to do - cos you can't control them and its about just you two anyway.

Sorry I'm babbling and getting a bit caught up in your business, its just cos I'm a bit floored by the whole situation. Maybe I'm too used to ignoring my family (not good!) but why does their issue absolutely have to cost you the relationship?

Just wondering and I understand if you don't feel like answering those questions to me, they r a little intrusive!

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#47 ~steph~

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Posted 06 November 2006 - 12:45 PM

QUOTE(Lisa682 @ Nov 6 2006, 12:17 PM) View Post

Neither of us are really willing to upset our families by staying together and moving - so i just dont know what our future holds.


Ok another intrusive question (and again don't answer if you don't want)...

Why do you not want to upset them, when they have gone out of their way to upset you??

Unfortnuately it looks like someone is going to have to 'lose' in this situation and why should it be you and you h2b, you have done all the right things, it isn't fair that you guys act like adults but miss out!! If they want to spend time with you (of H2B) then they have to accept the other person otherwise they are choosing to not see you.

I'm also with tastebud - I hate that your MIL2B is winning ph34r.gif !!
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#48 Lisa682

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Posted 06 November 2006 - 12:46 PM

QUOTE(tastebud @ Nov 6 2006, 01:33 PM) View Post

I hate that she gets to win by you two breaking up....!!

Sorry if thats too harsh.

What has to happen for you guys to stay together?

I guess I mean, what does h2b have to do / say to get you two back on track?

I don't mean what do your parents and in-laws have to do - cos you can't control them and its about just you two anyway.

Sorry I'm babbling and getting a bit caught up in your business, its just cos I'm a bit floored by the whole situation. Maybe I'm too used to ignoring my family (not good!) but why does their issue absolutely have to cost you the relationship?

Just wondering and I understand if you don't feel like answering those questions to me, they r a little intrusive!


No - thats fine. I guess it doesnt, but we have had to look at our future and work out if we can tolerate this "crapola" for the rest of there lives and how much impact it will have on our future family.

All I have asked of FH - is to stand up for himself and for me to them - and he has done that.

I'm just so Hurt and Angry ATM that I think i need time to process whats happening and what to do next. but for the mean time FH and I have broken up.

Our wedding is out of the question. FH is going to have to propose to me again and then if there is a next time we will have enough money that we can fund our own wedding without having our parents fund it!



#49 Lollies

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Posted 06 November 2006 - 12:53 PM

You poor darling!! What a terrible situation! sad.gif

Your Ex-FMIL is a nightmare!! The sad thing is that most likely no-one will be good enough for her boy & she will destroy any chance he has of happiness down the track as well!

I know it's hard, but it sounds like you have made the only choice possible at the moment... how could you have a future with someone if there is constantly someone waiting like a vulture to cause trouble for you. I wonder if your FH (or Ex) will ever be able to truly forgive his family if he loses you for good!

Thank goodness you have a lovley & supportive family!
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#50 ClaireBell

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Posted 06 November 2006 - 01:06 PM

I only just read this thread today and have just finished reading all the post and now have to pick my jaw up off the carpet ... OOOOHHH MYYY GOOODDD! I sound like Janice off Friends.

Who the hell does she think she is!!

Biggest hugs to you and hope that if you and Steve get through this, that something drastically changes with his mum.

I think it took great courage to hand the engagement ring back, i'm sure you didn't want to, but it was probably the big kick in the backside Steve needed to get involved - sorry if that is harsh. But if you hadn't all this criticism may never stop xxx

I know the place you are in right now is probably hard and horrible, but good on you for finding you voice and putting a stop to it.

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#51 Lisa682

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Posted 06 November 2006 - 01:28 PM

QUOTE(ClaireBell @ Nov 6 2006, 02:06 PM) View Post

I only just read this thread today and have just finished reading all the post and now have to pick my jaw up off the carpet ... OOOOHHH MYYY GOOODDD! I sound like Janice off Friends.

Who the hell does she think she is!!

Biggest hugs to you and hope that if you and Steve get through this, that something drastically changes with his mum.

I think it took great courage to hand the engagement ring back, i'm sure you didn't want to, but it was probably the big kick in the backside Steve needed to get involved - sorry if that is harsh. But if you hadn't all this criticism may never stop xxx

I know the place you are in right now is probably hard and horrible, but good on you for finding you voice and putting a stop to it.

BIG HUGS <<<<>>>> to get you through


Thanks SO much!


#52 indigo

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Posted 06 November 2006 - 01:34 PM

Oh hon sad.gif

As I was reading all this it made me think very much of my own parents who went through an eerily similar situation.
They decided to stick it out and although they've been times that mum has had to shut her mouth for my father's sake, she's always had the love of my father. She stood up for herself and realised that if she just held on that at some stage MIL would have to come to the conclusion that they were together no matter what she did.

If you want the relationship to work you're going to have to show solidarity as a couple. He needs to set boundaries and stand up for you when they are crossed. He needs to also show independence by cutting her apron strings: he needs to open joint accounts with you and stop being there so much for her.

It can work hon, I'm a product of a couple that was like that. The decision that you need to make is do you love your husband enough? Enough to ensure that your fiance has a life of happiness with you and not to be deligated to misery by his mum?

If you suggested that he make those changes and he actually did them, maybe then you'd reconsider? Perhaps it is too much to ask him to do a confrontation, perhaps his personality doesn't work like that. My husband Steve can't and my MIL has had her fair share of moments. Instead he works out other ways to solve things and in your fiance's circumstances, by making these changes it shows his love and devotion?

But if in the case you do get back on track, NEVER allow the MIL to see any cracks in the relationship or she'll try to make them bigger. If I were you, and back on track, I'd go to a registry office first, present the certificate to her and then say that you'll have the big wedding, otherwise it wouldn't surprise me if she tried to ruin it. Surely your family would support you both again if you both showed the maturity and solidarity in doing this?
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#53 tastebud

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Posted 06 November 2006 - 01:37 PM

Thanks for answering Lisa, I think I understand now.

You know best what needs to be done and I really hope it all works out x

(On the other hand, I hope ur ex-FMIL .....#@>$%>! ahh nothing... ! tongue.gif I'm sure YKWIM...)
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#54 Lisa682

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Posted 06 November 2006 - 01:52 PM

Thanks for your comments Gayle,

Its been great talking about it with you all on here.

Its strange that of all the people I have told about our situation (family and friends) the only people who have discourged us staying together is our parents - mine included. they think That I deserve SO much more than this crap. and i tend to agree with them - I do deserve better in laws - but aI also deserve a loving and caring partner - which FH is.

My Friends cant believe that this has all happened - since FH and I first met, everyone has always commented on what a great couple we make. none of them have said that breaking up is the right option.

Im a strong believer in "everything happens for a reason" and if FH and I dont make it - than it wasnt meant to be. but i will not go without a fight, cause he is worth fighting for!!


#55 Smooch

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Posted 10 November 2006 - 05:07 PM

Aww honey I really do feel for you. This is really unfair and it's a shame that that bitch has put you both in that situation.

My h2b family and mine are going through something much milder than that at the moment due to our eparty the other weekend, and I tell you what, I'm not putting up with her shit or his.

I have my own life to lead and yes he is a big part of it, but if the going gets tough, I'll be telling her to go jam her opinions up her arse and to get back on her horse and to piss off. (such aggression!)

I'm having a wedding for everyone to share in our committment for each other, and if people want to make it about them, then they can go bugger off.

It's a real shame and I hope it sorts itself out and he realises the impact this is going to have on his life if he gives in to her again.

#56 MsKara

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Posted 15 November 2006 - 09:52 AM

I'm sorry it's a bit late but I was just reading over these posts and I'm completely amazed!

Have you considered talking to your Ex-FMIL again? Some mothers are just really afraid that a new woman in their son's life means they are not needed anymore. Maybe you could explain to her that you really do respect their family bonds, and the fact that you aren't close to your own family means that you want to keep her closer.

You both definitely need to set boundaries (I really can't believe she checks his bank accounts!) for the relationship, and Steve needs to cut those aprons strings, but you also both need to let her know that you want her and the family to be part of your lives! ...assuming that's what you want of course.
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#57 Lisa682

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Posted 29 November 2006 - 09:58 AM

Update:

Hi Ladies, Well there has been no improvement of my little (ok huge) situation. If anything it has gotten worse. the good thing is, however ex FH is still sticking by me. His mother is still going out of her way to make life difficult for us. She has rung all her family and bagged me out to them and she has even gone as far as to ring my friends (who have nothing to do with this situation) and bag me out to them. she really has a hide.

She has also been having regular meetings with a girl who i used to live with and after a falling out i moved out. this girls has been telling her all these fibs about me and ex FMIL as gotten her to put it all in wirting - as if that make it any less false!

Ex FH is feeling very conlicted atm. his parents have said that i am no longer welcome in their home and in the event that ex FH and i getback together and decide to get married - they will not attend (no skin of my nose).

Then there is our christmas plans that have been ruined - we really wanted to spend Christmas together but my ex FH has to have lunch with his family (dont ask me why) and he said thathe would spend the morning with me, and then go to his lunch - but if we did that i would either be at home by myself for Christmas day lunch or driving back to my parents place, which take 3 hours and I would miss there lunch totally. so thats screwed. I was happy not to see my family on Christmas day to spend it with ex FH, but he is not willing to compirmise as well!

Will this ever end???




#58 ~steph~

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Posted 29 November 2006 - 10:02 AM

Oh man, you really aren't having any luck... I am so sorry I have nothing to over but a huge ((((((((((((((((((((((Hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))


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#59 julz

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Posted 29 November 2006 - 10:52 AM

OMG what a horrible situation I personally think you would be better off to move out and get on with your life I know you said your ex is sticking up for you etc but really he's not he lets his mother treat him like a child still and even allows her to check his bank statement it's none of her damn business and neither is your relationship tell him to grow some balls and live his life for him not his mother.

You deserve so much better than this she's a manuplative cow can you see yourself being happy in this kind of life? Does he love you enough to cut them out? it if were me that's what I would be asking him to do it's an awful situation hun but it doesn't sound like it's getting any better

I hope that's not to harsh hugs to you
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#60 indigo

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Posted 29 November 2006 - 12:25 PM

Hugs sad.gif

The worst thing about it all is that his mum will find fault with anything or anyone that threatens to be a bigger part of his life than she is. Her destructive behaviour is going to eventually lead into a son who is spineless, lonely and mentally unstable or alternatively, a son who wants nothing to do with her again.
Surely her husband and other close family members have got to realise that this is over the top?
I think that if you want any future at all with him, you'd have to get him to move away from her. Her influence is too encompassing where you are. sad.gif
This is just all so horribly unfair.
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