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#16 *Michelle*

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Posted 24 August 2006 - 01:48 PM

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#17 moore

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Posted 24 August 2006 - 02:00 PM

Wow - this information is fantastic. I am the first to admit that I have learned a lot from this thread, and it is all extremely valuable. Thank you so much for sharing ladies. It all makes complete and total sense - I appreciate it! smile.gif
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#18 Mel W-C

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Posted 24 August 2006 - 02:21 PM

and if you are pregnant please dont wait till you are 6+ months to tell us... that hurts more
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#19 sair

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Posted 24 August 2006 - 03:32 PM

Thank you so much for this, it's very helpful. I'd hate to be inadvertantly causing extra pain for the people I love.

And I heartily concur re: God, the world and Britters


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#20 Oldie

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Posted 24 August 2006 - 09:12 PM

Thank you Clair and all the other LTTTCer's. I am sure there are many of us who learn so much from you ladies.

One thing that I would ask, and if you dont think it is approppriate for this thread then tell me so, is to explain what secondary infertility is. It is not a term I had come across before, and I, like others I guess are somewhat ignorant about what this is, which explains some of those "at least you have a child/children" comments that get made by some people.

#21 Kell

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Posted 24 August 2006 - 09:33 PM

Hiya!

Secondary infertility is the term given to someone who has one child, but cannot conceive again. Primary infertility is the term for someone who has no children and is infertile.

I have PCOS and was termed subfertile (!) at first, and eventually, with mild treatment (just clomid) was able to conceive my son. Since then I have had a lot more treatment and am not even close to being able to conceive again, so its likely that we will only ever have one child, and never conceive him a sibling.

I do get the 'be grateful for one' comments, and it hurts like hell because I AM grateful, of course I am. I said this in another thread and people seemd to understand it well: I feel like I am not entitled to feel like this (angry, bitter, sad, hurt). What I cant seem to explain is that this time is far far far far far far far far more painful than the first time I had fertility hassles, because my child is so perfect, so wonderful, and its so indescribably good, that to not be able to repeat it is a new form of hell and torture all over again.

Plus I feel I let him down by not providing him a sibling, and I feel guilty because I feel like he and others might thing I am NOT grateful, and guilt because some people have none, and confusion because one is great in some ways, and anger that I will never experience all that wonder again... Its a big mess of nasty feelings, all the time, in lots of ways.

I hope that helps? Please feel free to ask more questions if you have them!!!


#22 tastebud

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Posted 24 August 2006 - 09:38 PM

This is a great idea as sometimes I have most definitely been at a loss as to how to be supportive.

However, I really and truly ** cringe ** when I over hear people advising my friend who is TTC to "just relax" or "stop thinking about it" or something along those lines..... I think I at least know what NOT to say!!!

Thanks again.
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#23 Oldie

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Posted 24 August 2006 - 09:54 PM

Kell thank you.

#24 TickledPink

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Posted 25 August 2006 - 10:17 AM

Kell, what I also see, looking at your situation as an observer, is a lot of frustration that you are "made" to feel like you have to explain your situation and justify your feelings over and over again, would this be correct?

#25 Sarah Kate

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Posted 25 August 2006 - 10:25 AM

Clair, Michelle, Sheri & Kell, HUGE round of applause.

Thank you for this information.

xox

#26 Raelene

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Posted 25 August 2006 - 10:43 AM

Thank you girls so much for sharing this. I've sat here reading it nodding my head - it all just makes perfect sense but is put down so eloquently as well

#27 Kell

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Posted 25 August 2006 - 11:24 AM

QUOTE(TickledPink @ Aug 25 2006, 10:17 AM) View Post
Kell, what I also see, looking at your situation as an observer, is a lot of frustration that you are "made" to feel like you have to explain your situation and justify your feelings over and over again, would this be correct?


Absolutely, and also because I have that same doubt within myself that not only do I justify to everyone else, but I have to keep reminding myself, that its nothing to do with being ungrateful for Finn, or feeling he isnt enough to satisfy my mothering instincts etc... and my god, even typing that makes me feel sick to think people think that... its a different thing altogether. Its BECAUSE it IS so good, and so satisfying, that I want to extend that part of myself, and also, to provide it for Finn, to give him the gift of a sibling because I adore him so much and want to be able to give him everything.

I go up and down a lot now, and last night was down, and I was trying to tell hubby that the reason I feel sad, is not just because of this as an issue, but because of how much anger, sadness and bitterness remains and is left, and I dont know how to let it go, or learn to live with it, and it breaks my heart to feel like that. Its just so awful and I cant escape it, cant chage it, and dont know what to do with it... tahts why it often escapes in the form of anger or smartarse comments here (and IRL) I guess. It also confirms all my low self esteem issues and cements them, makes me feel a failure...

So many issues. I do get frustrated justifying and explaining it, mainly because I am so bad at it!


#28 Titch

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Posted 25 August 2006 - 01:15 PM

Thank you Clair and Kell and all the other women who have bared their souls so that we might understand a bit better.


You are amazing and I only hope I have half your grace should I find myself in your position. I always thought I "got it" but after reading this post something has really clicked, thank you.



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#29 Shellz78

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Posted 25 August 2006 - 01:15 PM

Loving the advice.

Im sure I have probably put my foot in my mouth (so to speak) without even realising the real affect it has.

A very good friend of mine is going through IVF and recently had a cycle that didnt work, any extra advice on how to be a better friend is awesome.


Thanks ladies.
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#30 *Dale*

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Posted 31 August 2006 - 01:39 PM

thanks for the advice girls. I am one of the ones that mean well but end up saying the wrong thing all the time




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