Posted 24 August 2006 - 11:27 AM
I will start off by saying that every infertile person is different (gee, that’s helpful!). Some deal with things in an introverted manner, some are very vocal in their venting. Some like to be asked about their procedures, others prefer to only tell people when they feel ready.
Shoulders and ears: Most infertile people like to have one or a few people that they know they can depend on to listen to their problems, no matter what is going on in their own lives. Offers of shoulders to cry on and a receptive ear are always very much appreciated, even if your friend or loved one don’t take you up on the offer.
If they do take you up on your offer, treat everything they tell you with a grain of salt. They don’t really hate all pregnant women, or think God enjoys a twisted joke, but right now it helps to say those things. Don’t take offence at anything they say, even when if they start talking about smug fertiles, ignoring the fact that you have a brood of children.
Asking questions: As I mentioned earlier, lots of infertile people like to be asked questions about their procedures and progress. They think is shows that people care about their journey, and aren’t afraid to hear the gritty details. Keep in mind, though, that there are only so many times you can explain an IVF cycle to different interested friends before it becomes very tiresome. It’s always a safe bet to ask the person of they would like to talk about things, or say “let me know how you’re going, if you feel comfortable with that”. That way they will either tell you, or say “maybe later”, which is ok, too.
Personally, I am not a great fan of being asked too many questions. I find some people in my life (ok, just my Mum), like to check in EVERY DAY with my progress. There is really not a whole lots to report on a day-to-day basis, and this can get pretty tiresome. I also find I get a bit depressed when people ask about my progress, and I have to report that nope, we aren’t getting anywhere. All dead-ends so far. Every time I have to admit this to someone I feel like crying.
I don’t need people to check in with me, as I know my family and friends care about me lots (cocky, aren’t I? ). I am most happy when I can update people with my progress when I am in a positive, happy mood. When the time is right for me.
Bad news: When someone going through fertility problems shares some bad news with you, generally the best reaction is to be upset right along with them. If they want to swear, echo their swear words and add your own. If they want to curse God, the world and Brittney Spears, then agree that God must be on drugs, the world has gone pear shaped, and Brittney spears is a redneck trailer park tart who should really stop breeding.
The very worst thing you can do immediately after hearing bad news is try and be positive. There is plenty of time for that later when the initial shock of the bad news has lessened.
It helps to be perceptive in these situations and gauge your friends mood. You can pick up pretty quickly if they are down or upbeat, and adjust your responses accordingly.
Offering advice, tips and tricks on conceiving: Don’t.
Posted 24 August 2006 - 11:39 AM
Posted 24 August 2006 - 11:44 AM
Posted 24 August 2006 - 12:37 PM
It is greatly appreciated, I know personally that sometimes i just dont know what to say, (my SIL has been through IVF) so i say nothing so that i dont offend her or anyone else. But it shows that sometimes you dont have to say anything, all you have to do is be there.
Posted 24 August 2006 - 12:39 PM
The only thing I would add is about announcing pregnancies etc.
Firstly think whether you even NEED to. Just because you know someone who has gotten pg, and you know that I am also trying to fall pg, does not immediately mean I want to know. My mum honestly told me that her lawnmower man's daughter is pregnant with twins and was upset because they already had two under 3. Um - no need to share that news. Why the hell do I care? If I might find out some other way, if its someone I know, then tell. If not - don't.
Then, if you must share (if its you or someone else who matters) - do it sensitively. A phone call or email saying "omg I am so excited, I am pregnant, we weren't even really trying" is perhaps not the best way, no matter how excited you are, try to think before you speak. If you know we have just received some bad news or gotten AF or something, maybe save it for another day. There is no good time, but there are sure as sh!t bad times.
And I can't speak for anyone else, but finding out someone is pg before you even knew they were ttc is a shock I find really hard to deal with, so if you are close enough to someone for them to have reasonably expected to be kept in the loop that you might be thinking of trying soon - let them know, finding out with a pg announcement kind of bites.
Posted 24 August 2006 - 12:43 PM
Oh my god, I could cry...THANKYOU for getting me. I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The above covers me... I'm just trying to think if theres more I want to add for me. I guess, don't expect me to ever be over it. Don't expect me to never have days where I hate the world. Sure, they might get fewer (god willing) but it will always hurt, and I don't think I will ever hear of pregnancies and so on and not feel it cut. When I have those days, try to allow me to get it out. It might be anger, it might be tears, it might be withdrawal... try to understand that sometimes, thats the only way I can cope.
Ok, will come back later, am getting all upset!
Posted 24 August 2006 - 12:57 PM
If the miracle happens, and unfortunately is lost (at any point in the pregnancy) don't say that "well at least you know you can get pregnant." That may not be the case. Don't asume that all the issues are now gone due to having gotten pregnant once and that things will happen quickly enough again.
Posted 24 August 2006 - 01:01 PM
I'll add one that affect me, it affects me greatly and can leave me terribly upset, because it then adds that "other" element... GUILT.
When your friend/relative/insert other person you know, is doing Fertility Treatment or has been trying for a long time to conceive, please don't say that "at least you know you can get pg/at least you have child/children/you should be greatful for what you have".
Posted 24 August 2006 - 01:07 PM
eta - maybe this should be a pinned topic - not sure
Posted 24 August 2006 - 01:29 PM
Great tips ladies, many thanks...
Posted 24 August 2006 - 01:35 PM
If they want to curse God, the world and Brittney Spears, then agree that God must be on drugs, the world has gone pear shaped, and Brittney spears is a redneck trailer park tart who should really stop breeding.
I will agree with you on these any day my dear!
Thank you Clair xxx
Posted 24 August 2006 - 01:41 PM
A question specific to this forum; if someone who has beeen supporting you (but is not LTTTC) here has fallen pregnant, would you want to hear about it from them directly first (maybe a PM or email) - or just get the news from a forum post?
Great tips ladies, many thanks...
Excellent question, Anita. From my perspective, I think the answer would be a resounding yes. I know I have really appreciated it when friends have slipped me a heads up that they are about to announce a pregnancy. It gives me time to absorb it and gather my thoughts before it is announced to the world. It also makes me think they are pretty special to be thinking of me when they are wild with excitement about their own news.
Posted 24 August 2006 - 01:43 PM
A very great friend to me here didnt tell me when she got pregnant as she thought it would hurt me but of course I eventually found out off someone else and it hurt that she didnt tell me..Either way Im gonna be upset so I would like that person to tell me upfront...
Are you sending me a pm Anita??
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