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#1 Miss Eff

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Posted 19 February 2004 - 01:45 PM

Hi, I have been with my fiance for 8 years and engaged for the last 4.
We have finally decided to go ahead with our wedding October, but have the following problems;

1/ My parents want to pay for the wedding but dont think its right that the in-laws won't pay and yet expect us to foot the bill for their family plus additional guests.
2/ His parents wont pay for anything but want to invite additional guests to immediate family and cousins.
3/ His brother refuses to come to the wedding if his in-laws arent invited

We would like to have something which is small. Both coming from a Greek background, this isnt the norm and we would like to invite just our family and our close friends- which amounts to 70 people. This cant be done because now my fiance's brother is insisiting his in-laws HAVE to be invited otherwise he will not come to the wedding. The problem is that these 'in-laws' have a bad history with my parents and my parents have not spoken to these people for 20 years and will not want them at the wedding. Being my wedding day; I want my parents at my wedding and being my fiance's wedding, he wants his brother at his wedding.
What do we do?
It feels like everyone just thinks that they have a say in our wedding day and no matter which way we turn- we cant please anyone. My fiance and I have argued so much about this wedding, we have cried, we have broken up and gotten back together- we just cant work out what the best thing to do is.
I want a wedding- I want all our friends and family there but within our realistic budget- that my in-laws just dont understand.
What do we do where we dont offend anyone and still enjoy our wedding day?
I have considered eloping but I dont want to break my parents hearts as they have helped us out alot with our first home.







#2 ...

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Posted 19 February 2004 - 01:50 PM

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

I'm sorry to hear it's already causing so many headaches for you though. I know a lot of people have problems with various family members' demands, but it sounds like you've got them all at once!

Your fiance's family sound like they're putting a lot of demands on you which must be hard - has he tried explaining his point of view to them? Explaining that you both wanted a smaller/more intimate wedding, with the people that mean the most to you both (rather than distant family and family's in-laws?). I understand that there is a cultural issue there, which obviously makes it harder, but would it be possible to negotiate a bit?

While most of the issues are centring around the guest list, can you start other planning then possibly explain the guest restrictions later? Like "our venue can only hold 70" - though I don't know if they'd accept that or tell you to find somewhere else...

I'm sure there'll be plenty of suggestions here, those are the first I can think of!

Good luck! smile.gif

#3 ButterflyKisses

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Posted 19 February 2004 - 01:55 PM

Oh hon your poor thing.....I kinda know what you're going through though.
Its really hard with the guest list. I know what its like to want a smaller wedding. We wanted about 120 but MIL went crazy and now we have 170. I know they're European but I can't justify inviting people you haven't seen for ages.

Maybe your fiance could chat to his brother and explain the situation. The fact that your parents don't get along with them doesn't help matters either.

The best thing I can tell you is stand up for what you want because at the end of the day its your wedding. My MIL has tried, and tried, and tried to have things her way and I'm only standing up to her now. Its caused fights between myself and my fiance and problems within the family. You've just got to start letting people know that you appreciate their help, and support and suggestions and you don't mind listening to them but if you decide not to go that way they need to accept your decisions.

As for eloping I think you might regret it but if its going to cause you lots of stress maybe consider it. Your parents would probably rather see you run off and get married, then be stressed for months and nearly breaking up trying to organise a wedding....

Don't know if I've helped much, remember we're always here if you want to chat or need a shoulder to cry on.....it will all work out sweetie, don't stress!

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#4 Mrs K

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Posted 19 February 2004 - 01:59 PM

Oh dear! You poor, poor things. Aren't weddings just great when the emotional blackmail comes into play? NOT!!! You are going to have to get tough hon, and it may ruffle feathers, but seriously, it is your day and your decisions. Nobody should be putting you through anything 'extra' especially family should be more supportive (but as we all know, family are the best manipulators!)

QUOTE
1/ My parents want to pay for the wedding but dont think its right that the in-laws won't pay and yet expect us to foot the bill for their family plus additional guests.
- Obviously your parents are modern and your fiancee's are not? It shouldn't concern your parents who pays for what, they should just contribute what they personally feel is their limit and leave you to decide the rest!

QUOTE
2/ His parents wont pay for anything but want to invite additional guests to immediate family and cousins.


- PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. NOOOOOO way. This is unreasonable. Be firm, and say 'Our budget only allows for Immediate family and cousins, the cost of extra is $XX per guest, if you feel you can not live without these guest being invited, it will cost you the $XX per guest". That's reasonable.

QUOTE
3/ His brother refuses to come to the wedding if his in-laws arent invited


Fat head. Fine, call his bluff. That is just plain rude!!! He should be understanding. This isn't a family re-union you're hosting, it's your wedding. And you are more than justified in only invited those who are important to YOU as a couple.

#5 Miss Eff

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Posted 19 February 2004 - 02:04 PM

The problem is my Fiance doesnt want to break anyone's heart- overlooking the fact that he's breaking our own.
I know I will regret eloping but it just doesnt seem to work any other way.
I would love to just have what we agreed on originally, then I thought if we just go to dinner with our immediate family and meet up with friends later for drinks- but I just know the tension at the dinner between the parents will just be awful and at least if they have family with them they dont have to directly converse with them if they dont want to.
It just seems so hopeless, and then people wonder why we have taken this long to get married- well, this is the issue that we just cant get past!

#6 Miss Eff

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Posted 19 February 2004 - 02:10 PM

I agree- I am really disappointed that his brother thinks he can just add his two cents worth in about his in-laws having to be invited. It just sucks!
From being really excited about everything and going to look at reception places, it has all just turned sour.
His family were never one's to be considerate, so I dont think they're goign to start changing now.
I could seriously cry.

#7 Jane

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Posted 19 February 2004 - 02:51 PM

Ouch, honey I feel for you. I have actualy just finished having 'the guest list' talk with my mother. My problems were trivial compared to the hell your repective families must be putting you through. The only advice I can give you is for your fiancee and you to decide what you want together as a couple and then stand united in that choice, it's alot easier to be strong when the two of you agree on the decision.
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#8 Ant

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Posted 19 February 2004 - 03:56 PM

Oh I know exactly what you mean! We went through the same thing. My parents were willing to go halves, his parents weren't. They did eventually though but there were some difficulties along the way. As hard as it seems now though, when it is all said and done, it still turns out to be the best day of your life. I don't think our mothers are huge fans of each other still but after that one day (when they really should remember they aren't in preschool anymore and grow up and realise it is your day, not theirs) they hardly have to see each other. I really hope you can sort it out. Keep us updated.

Ant

PS At a friends wedding, they didn't like the behaviour of one of her cousin's at the engagement party so didn't invite him to the wedding. I think that caused a bit of friction but she stood her ground. I think you have to do the same. Good luck.
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#9 Portess

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Posted 19 February 2004 - 04:07 PM

My two cents, if it's worth anything..

If your fiance's parent's are not contributing financially to the wedding, they don't get a say in who is or isn't invited. Full stop.

If you want a small wedding, then your parents should (be happy), respect that.. wink.gif

As for your brother.... his in-laws have no "place" at your wedding, as such.

I think if your FIL's or your brother want to invite "extra" people, then they should pay for those extra guests.

I fully understand not wanting people at your wedding that you don't know... my IL's wanted to invite people that I'd never met. (Thankfully they didn't come)

It's very hard, esp when one set of parents (why is it in our cases it's the FIL's???) is adamant about something you don't want??

(hugs) my email is always open for venting.. as I understand completely what you're going through!!
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#10 CheekyCraftyCat (Grace)

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Posted 19 February 2004 - 04:09 PM

My MIL insisted that they pay for their side of the guests and that my parents pay for my side even though they KNEW my parents couldn't afford it. So we put down our feet (coz hubby and I are both really stubborn ppl, laugh.gif ) and said that WE will be paying and including the bridal party, each side can only have 40 guests each. End of discussion. That didn't go down too well with MIL in the beginning, but hey, it worked. smile.gif
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#11 Shaz :o)

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Posted 19 February 2004 - 05:29 PM

Tia pretty much said exactly what I was thinking so......Ditto what Tia said. Don't be bullied into having something you don't want!

As far as your partners brother.....sounds like he's helping you on your way to a smaller wedding! tongue.gif No way!! If it's his way or the highway.....send him packing!! How rude!

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#12 Leonie

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Posted 20 February 2004 - 12:19 AM

I totally agree with most of the things said previously.

I have family who really want other family to come, think other members of family should be there and not our friends etc.....

We found a venue we liked, found out how many it seted, how many we could afford and then divided that list by 3 - My family, his family, our friends. If someone comes up short of their allowed guests then those spots will be filled by our choice of guests (probably his family as his parents are divorsed so they get a sixth each of the space - about 10 people each)

We simply said - we can only fit 60 people (we can actually fit 80, but this is our number) They have to work it around that. We also made up a list of family and friends we would like to invite (it came to 50) so this went with the blank sheets, so at least they will know who we would like to see.

The only problem I have is not wanted to invite my father, but that is a different story.

I wish you all the best. Maybe you could have a progression wedding. A little bit more work and not as tradidtional, but great. you invite people to the ceremony, there they get invited to somewhere for pre-diner drinks, there selected people get invited to share a meal. I have seen it done and it worked out great, they did send save-the-date cards prior which told us which parts we would be invited to, but only the location of the ceremony was listed
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#13 CheekyCraftyCat (Grace)

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Posted 20 February 2004 - 07:11 AM

QUOTE (bluebird @ Feb 20 2004, 01:19 AM)
I wish you all the best. Maybe you could have a progression wedding. A little bit more work and not as tradidtional, but great. you invite people to the ceremony, there they get invited to somewhere for pre-diner drinks, there selected people get invited to share a meal. I have seen it done and it worked out great, they did send save-the-date cards prior which told us which parts we would be invited to, but only the location of the ceremony was listed

This is sorta what we did as well. We had lots of friends and family friends that we couldn't invite to the reception (we could've had more but 80 was just the right number for that venue) so we had an afternoon tea after the ceremony at the church hall. Lots of finger food and even a wedding cake (cupcakes) so in a way, it's like a mini reception.

Hope you'll all come to an amicable solution soon.
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#14 Luca's mum

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Posted 20 February 2004 - 07:34 AM

Sorry, got no advice for you, but welcome Miss Eff! biggrin.gif
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#15 Janine

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Posted 20 February 2004 - 08:01 AM

Hey lovee,
welcome to the circus. fun, fun, fun isn't it. we've got 250 people coming, i know exactly what your going through. my fiance is maltese.
my advice to you is sit down with your fiance with a nice bottle of wine, and talk, don't yell or fight, just talk to him. ask him what his solution is to the problem. he knows your financial situation, he knows your parents financial situation, ask him "how do we solve the problem". and see what he comes up with. if it starts to get heated get up and walk away and come back when its cooled down a bit.
if you need some back up with figures and stuff, get some dummy quotes from us, and show him a bottom line figure of exactly how much this wedding is going to cost you and your parents, all up with everything. if you can show him a bottom line figure maybe he'll change his mind and talk to his parents.
in all honesty your brother in law has got a real hide, and i'd uninvite him, and really tell him where to go. but at the end of the day i know what european families are like and you have to keep the peace, but there is a limit.

keep your chin up, if you need an ear, send me a PM.

love
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