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#1 Mozma Pearson

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Posted 16 February 2004 - 09:22 AM

Hello.

I am a quick enquiry and need some help. I am getting married this year and when I chose my bridesmaids - I initially picked three. However recently I decided to go four - as I have another best friend who is very dear to me - and I didn't want to leave her out.

Nevertheless - when intially discussing dresses, hair styles, etc...with my bridesmaid, I at this stage wasn't sure what happens in terms of cost (as I had no idea that most often the bridesmaid pays her share) and illustrated to my bridesmaids that I will help out as much as possible.

However - after a few months now of planning and costing, etc...I recently informed my bridesmaids of costs. I informed them that I will pay for their make up, jewelery and dress material (as their dresses are being made) and that they can pay for their shoes, hair and dress making cost.

Two out of four of my bridesmaids have said 100% yep - that is perfectly ok - while one has said ok (but didn't sound too keen) and my main maid of honour has said - well no that isn't really good. She illustrated that she works part time, just bought a new car and can't afford paying that much and that she doesn't think she can pay that.

But - I have known my MOH for 18 years and her family is quite wealthy. I am struggling now to save and I just think it wouldn't be fair it I paid for her and none of the other bridesmaids. For me - it is either none or all. Plus my MOH keeps saying to me that she has honours at uni this year and she is going to be very busy, etc...and I am not too sure if she is indicating that she doesn't really want maid of honour role, etc....

If anyone has any advice - please do help.

Luv Moz
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#2 Luca's mum

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Posted 16 February 2004 - 09:26 AM

Hmm, if your MOH keeps coming out with comments like that, I think you are best off coming right out and asking her if she wants to be MOH or indeed part of the bridal party at all.
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#3 CheekyCraftyCat (Grace)

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Posted 16 February 2004 - 09:30 AM

Sounds a little bit like one of the bms I had... until I finally had a heart to heart with her and she really didn't want to be a bm at all after that. I suppose it comes down to this, do you really want her to be by your side and just pay for her? In other words, does your years of friendship matter more than the money? If you do end up paying for her, can I suggest that it's kept a secret between the 2 of you so your other bms won't feel left out etc?
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#4 Mrs_Thingo

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Posted 16 February 2004 - 09:51 AM

Oh dear! Mozma I can sympathise with you! I had one of my very good friends tell me just before the wedding that I was selfish and self centred because I told her I was disappointed that she didn't ask for time off work for my wedding when she first found out about it. I never really asked her if she still wanted to be in the wedding, rather I just said that she and her partner were welcome at our wedding as guests. She replied that she wasn't good company and she wouldn't be coming. I was so upset. Not because she didn't come but because of what she said to me and the way she made me feel. I really started to think that perhaps I had become the Bridezilla that I did not want to be!!!

We have since mended the friendship and she has apologised over and over again for missing our wedding and says that she will regret it the rest of her life that she wasn't there for me on the most important day of my life. I also apologised to her for not seeing that she was going through some really tough times and just needed someone to say "Hey, it's ok!".

I would ask your MOH if she really does want to participate in your wedding. At least then you will have a definate answer. Your friendship has probably lasted through other things and will most likely last through this.

I am sorry that she isn't as supportive as you want her to be. As someone here told me, when you are so excited about your wedding, it is hard to understand why others aren't as excited!!

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Tam



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#5 Anita

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Posted 16 February 2004 - 09:54 AM

QUOTE (Mrs L @ Feb 16 2004, 10:26 AM)
I think you are best off coming right out and asking her if she wants to be MOH or indeed part of the bridal party at all.

I'm with Maria, ask her, since she has other commitments that are jsut as important in her life at the moment as your wedding is to you, maybe she'd be happy to take a different role in your wedding, maybe as an usher, or delivering a reading in your service?

That way she would not have to commit as much time or money and she would still hold a very important and memorable role in your special day.

#6 Callinda

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Posted 16 February 2004 - 10:02 AM

Mozma it sounds to me like you are trying to do your best by your BMs by paying for their hair, makeup & dress material. I dont really think you should pay more for one BM than for another, it just isnt fair.

Like Maria has suggested, try to find out if she really wants to be part of the wedding - chances are she does and she will feel terrible that she has been behaving this way, however if she doesnt then it is much better for you to find out now.
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#7 Leonie

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Posted 16 February 2004 - 03:32 PM

I also think you should just come out and ask her. I have 1 MOH and 2 BM and 1 FG. I have told my MOH and BM that I have purchased the pattern. They have to pay for shoes, fabric, making of the dress (unless I do it), jewellery etc.

I am paying for their flowers, hair, make-up, accomodation the night prior and a pamper pack and that is it.

I did however got my FG dress, but it was only because it was only an extra $50 on top of my gown if I got them together, otherwise it would have been $98

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#8 Gretchen

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Posted 16 February 2004 - 05:09 PM

The other girls have said pretty much what I was going to with regards to your MOH. And I also feel that it wouldn't be fair to pay for one BM and not the others.

I have a MOH and 2 BMs and I am paying for their hair, maybe make-up, jewellery (their gifts) and putting $100 towards each dress. So, they only have to pay for their shoes and the remainder of the dress which, incidently, is only going to be $163. And they are all happy with this arrangement and would have paid more if I had let them. And one of my BMs lives in Brisbane so has to make her way to Townsville - she has also just changed jobs and doesn't have a lot of spare cash.
I'm saying that cos I feel that maybe there is an outside issue with your MOH that could be influencing her behaviour.
Hope it all works out.
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#9 Portess

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Posted 16 February 2004 - 05:12 PM

I was unsure if one of my BM's wanted to be in the party.. so I have her an out..

"Look, I know you've got a busy time coming ahead of you, if you don't think you've got the time to be involved, I totally understand and would love for you to participate in another way (like a reading or toast or witnessing or something)"


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#10 Janine

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Posted 17 February 2004 - 07:31 AM

Generally, when your asked to be a bridesmaid, you take on the role, on the condition that you will be paying for everything, and if the bride offers to pay for certain things, then that is an added bonus. But generally the bride pays for the jewellery which is given as a gift to them thanking them for everything, and traditionally the bridemaids pay for the rest.
Sometimes i think girlies that are asked to be bridesmaids get swept up in the excitement of it all, and don't think about the consequences of it. All they think about first is being all made up and looking pretty and being part of the centre of attention on the day.
They forget there are responsibilities that come with being a bridesmaid.

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#11 CheekyCraftyCat (Grace)

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Posted 17 February 2004 - 07:48 AM

QUOTE (Olivia @ Feb 17 2004, 08:39 AM)

I was just wondering what do you pay for BM and what do they pay for??

Olivia, this differs from you paying nothing to paying for all! smile.gif

My bridesmaids spent a total of about $200 each which included hair/makeup and their dress. Shoes are their own choice (but in a determined colour). I gave them jewelleries as presents on the day.

Keep in mind, however, that the amount of time and money spent on things like hens, kitchen teas etc. does add up so I would suggest that you chip in as much as you can.
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#12 Carol (Mrs O)

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Posted 18 February 2004 - 07:02 PM

Let us know how you end up going.

It's a hard one this one. Surely they would of had some idea what it would of cost?

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#13 Mozma Pearson

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Posted 20 February 2004 - 09:38 AM

Hi Girls - Just to update you. I have spoken to my MOH and illustrated to her that I realised she qas quite busy this year and that to help her - I have chosen another MOH. She was ok with this and seemed fine. So I am happy how things turned out there. In regards to costing - well this hasn't really sorted out yet - so as soon as it does - I will let you all know.

Ta - Mozma
<center><font face=”Verdana”> <font size=4 color=#FED51E><b> MOZMA & RHYS JONES </font>
<font size=2 color=#057738>Our Indian Shaadi
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<img src=http://img38.imageshack.us/img38/4558/heartline.gif>
<font size=2 color=#FF0000><i>Sunday November 21st 2004</i>
Our Traditional Wedding

#14 CheekyCraftyCat (Grace)

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Posted 20 February 2004 - 09:52 AM

QUOTE (Mozma Pearson @ Feb 20 2004, 10:38 AM)
Hi Girls - Just to update you. I have spoken to my MOH and illustrated to her that I realised she qas quite busy this year and that to help her - I have chosen another MOH. She was ok with this and seemed fine. So I am happy how things turned out there. In regards to costing - well this hasn't really sorted out yet - so as soon as it does - I will let you all know.

Ta - Mozma

Did you give your ex-MOH a chance to explain how she felt etc before telling her she's been replaced? I dunno, seems a wee bit mean to me. sad.gif
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#15 Mozma Pearson

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Posted 20 February 2004 - 11:17 AM

QUOTE (CheekyCraftyCat (Grace) @ Feb 20 2004, 10:52 AM)
Did you give your ex-MOH a chance to explain how she felt etc before telling her she's been replaced? I dunno, seems a wee bit mean to me. sad.gif

I didn't need to explain - as I am still having her as a MOH and chose another MOH to help her. Therefore I am having two MOH. Both of which are very best friends to me. My old MOH is quite happy that I have chosen an MOH - as she said she has someone to help her now! So nothing is out of context!
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<font size=2 color=#FF0000><i>Sunday November 21st 2004</i>
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