Jump to content


Behaviour management for a 4/5yo?


  • Please log in to reply
9 replies to this topic

#1 Guest_Windsor_Guest

Guest_Windsor_Guest
  • Guests

Posted 17 July 2013 - 06:03 PM

What techniques/methods are you using?

When DD was younger we used 123 magic to good effect, a time out spot worked well and for a little while when she turned 4 time out in her room was working too.

Right now though Cait is out of control with her tantrums. I'm sure it's to do with a new bub coming along but we're just having so much trouble handling it and getting any type of improvement sad.gif

There's biting, hitting, kicking (of us), getting up in our faces and shouting, throwing toys, slamming doors etc. Time out doesn't seem to work, confiscating things that are thrown or misued doesn't work. The other day I cracked it with her not cleaning up and threw everything on the floor in the bin (old happy meal toys and other htings that didn't work properly anymore, I 'saved' her 2 favourite toys that were on the floor too..)

What are you using atm and how is it going?

#2 SEA

SEA

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 7,744 posts

Posted 17 July 2013 - 09:52 PM

We're still having trouble with foul moods, resulting tantrums and answering back. We use warning (if you don't stop x, y, z such and such will happen), then count to three, and then follow through. If he's not speaking nicely and being horrid he gets sent to his room until he can be nice. If he hurts someone it's automatic time out. Recently we had to take away a planned outing and he was devastated. Toys have been taken to work as well.

Sometimes, nothing works, but I find if we don't follow through his behaviour is much worse. On the whole, he's very good, but he's certainly had some moments lately.

#3 aChocLover

aChocLover

    formerly known as AuChocolat

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,574 posts

Posted 17 July 2013 - 10:42 PM


It has been a couple of years now for us since we were in this age bracket, but DD1 has come back with attitude tenfold, so we're adopting the same principles.

Our punishment was really the loss of privilege and time out in the rooms. We've even gone to lengths of completing removing all toys and bagging them for lifeline. Mostly though the only thing that got through to DD1 was talking it out, mainly because the tantrums etc always ended in a screeching match between us all. It got to the point where I felt that my relationship with DD1 was going to be forever fractured. So it was important for me to get her to understand behaviour, Mum & Dad's reaction, consequences etc.

If you think it has something to do with the arrival of N, could you arrange for some 'special days' where you spend an hour one on one, even at a coffee shop etc with C? Do you think her acting out is more to do with getting any attention, even if that attention is bad?

#4 Angel_Elle

Angel_Elle

    i-do Addict

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,035 posts

Posted 17 July 2013 - 11:42 PM

Like aChoc. My DD tested my love and we would regularly clash - I found I had to bite my tounge so to speak and send her to time out for five minutes so (a) she can reflect on her behaviour and (b ) give me a chance to cool off. When we had done that we discussed what was wrong with her behaviour and alternative for her to try next time (eg instead if throwing a you cos she couldn't do it ask for help). We also gave her more special mum time doing things together and telling the boys no this is DD special time with mum.

We are a lot closer than before and rarely have as frequent clashes if we stick to the above timeout.
Sean & Mechelle 28th Oct 2006

Amylia 29 Oct 2007 Liam 17 Mar 2009 Daniel 21 Feb 2011

#5 Guest_Windsor_Guest

Guest_Windsor_Guest
  • Guests

Posted 18 July 2013 - 12:23 AM

I think we're pretty close and it's not necessarily us clashing, all the same issues come up when DH is dealing with things too. We've been doing stuff together at home but a bit limited for going out as I can't drive for another couple of weeks. DH has been doing a lot with her and taking her out and we've had a fair few visitors over the last few weeks who've taken her out places too.

When I try and send her to time out atm it usually involves running away and if I'm standing in a doorway to block her or something she's crawling between my legs. I physically can't stop her, not allowed to lift her and haven't been able to from about 24 weeks pregnant and she knows it. DH can lift her up and put her in her room and she will stay there once she's in it.

ACL, we've tried all those punishments and while they usually work, the effect is usually very short lived. AE, like you suggested we will sit down and have a chat like that when the tantrum is over but she can come out of her bedroom and literally 5 mins later do the same thing despite us giving her a warning!

We have a pantry room that is so full of crap of hers we've taken away that we can't get to the stuff we store in there! The rule is if it gets thrown in a tantrum it goes in the pantry (lots of marks and dents in the walls of our rental now sad.gif ) and if she hits someone a toy goes in the pantry. If she's well behaved she gets one thing back at the end of the day. We are taking more than is being given back so clearly that isn't working.

If she's escalating atm we give her a warning that 'this is what we talked about', she's being rude, not safe, not listening etc. and needs to change her behaviour. She understands what we mean, we tell her there will be a consequence if she keeps doing xyz, give her another warning but it's not until after we say the consequence will have to be enforced that she says 'ok ok, I'll change what I'm doing, I'm sorry'. Every time!


***

Maybe this just needs to be a vent. I really think we're doing what we can but just looking for any other ideas too. I guess a fair bit of it is stuff we could just gloss over and 'pick our battles' but the build up of 'little things' throughout the day is getting ridiculous.

#6 Mel B

Mel B

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,628 posts

Posted 18 July 2013 - 01:10 AM

We found that earning a privilege was more effective than punishment at that stage.

At 4 Eddie was being particularly vile and there was a show that he really wanted to go to. We explained that we weren't prepared to buy tickets for a show if we thought he might misbehave during it so he needed to prove that he could control himself. I think we said he had to be well behaved for an entire week, and if he was naughty we would start the week again (luckily the show was on in a few months time tongue.gif ). Any time he was having a wobble I would mention that we would have to start the week again and he would snap back to good behaviour quite quickly.

Now that he is older we have withdrawn his favourite toy (the Wii) and then he has had to earn it back with a full day of good behaviour.

I also find love bombing works with him. I abandon all hope of cleaning or working and just spend an entire day playing his favourite games, cooking together, lots of cuddling. Just doing whatever he wants to do.

Good luck, it's a very trying stage!
<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lbyf.lilypie....om/hSQ9p10.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers" /></a>

<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lbyf.lilypie....om/Ew7Qp11.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers" /></a>

#7 Thelma

Thelma

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 6,142 posts

Posted 18 July 2013 - 10:14 AM

QUOTE(Mel B @ Jul 18 2013, 01:10 AM) View Post

I also find love bombing works with him. I abandon all hope of cleaning or working and just spend an entire day playing his favourite games, cooking together, lots of cuddling. Just doing whatever he wants to do.


Definitely. I always find that when we're at Nanni and Poppi's house she is rarely naughty, and I would say that that's because when we're there they spend pretty much all day doing stuff with her.

DD overall isn't too bad, but when she gets into one of her moods and digs her heels in about doing/not doing something, I find the method that works best with her is to put MYSELF into time out. I'll go through all the usual methods first, and when I see that nothing else is going to work I'll say to her "I'm really cranky/grumpy/sad right now" and I'll go into my bedroom. Our bedroom doesn't have a lock so I just close the door and sit behind it so she can't open it. She really hates it! I'll come out and ask "have you done xyz yet?" and if not I'll go back in the room. And repeat. I find this usually gets the outcome that I want after a few times.

#8 AK2

AK2

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,793 posts

Posted 18 July 2013 - 01:50 PM

QUOTE(Mel B @ Jul 18 2013, 01:10 AM) View Post

I also find love bombing works with him. I abandon all hope of cleaning or working and just spend an entire day playing his favourite games, cooking together, lots of cuddling. Just doing whatever he wants to do.



This works for us too. Often when he's playing up really badly, it's because I've been bad about spending time with him.

After reading a few pages of 'How to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk', I've also been trying really hard to be a good listener. In the past, I'd just 'uhuh' him while I kept cooking, or sweeping (or facebooking ph34r.gif ). Now when he asks me something, I stop what I'm doing, look him straight in the eyes, and wait for him to finish what he's saying. I've noticed a huge difference since he's started feeling 'listened' to, and in return, he has actually gotten better at responding to me too ohmy.gif

When he's really worked up, I also find asking him to go and lie down with a blanket works too. He's a bit of a sensory kid, and nothing calms him down like ten minutes underneath a heavy blanket.

#9 CRose

CRose

    i-do Addict

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,350 posts

Posted 25 July 2013 - 11:33 PM

QUOTE(Mel B @ Jul 18 2013, 01:10 AM) View Post

We found that earning a privilege was more effective than punishment at that stage.

At 4 Eddie was being particularly vile and there was a show that he really wanted to go to. We explained that we weren't prepared to buy tickets for a show if we thought he might misbehave during it so he needed to prove that he could control himself. I think we said he had to be well behaved for an entire week, and if he was naughty we would start the week again (luckily the show was on in a few months time tongue.gif ). Any time he was having a wobble I would mention that we would have to start the week again and he would snap back to good behaviour quite quickly.

Now that he is older we have withdrawn his favourite toy (the Wii) and then he has had to earn it back with a full day of good behaviour.

I also find love bombing works with him. I abandon all hope of cleaning or working and just spend an entire day playing his favourite games, cooking together, lots of cuddling. Just doing whatever he wants to do.

Good luck, it's a very trying stage!


Yep! Although sadly love bombing is something that I don't seem to have enough time for at the moment.

We do all similar things in response to negative behaviour - we throw toys out, time out, loss of priviledges, go home, stay home etc.

But definitely what works best is stars for good behaviour, praise for good behaviour whenever it occurs (positive reinforcement) i.e. "I am so proud of you the way you just shared that with your sister, you are such a lovely big sister" etc. A parenting workshop recently espoused the virtues of positive reinforcement - encouraging behaviours you want to continue.

Oh and sleep - we still insist on a day sleep, days following no sleep days are horrendous.

Thelma - I love the time out for mum idea - it is a clear form of not rewardig negative behaviour with attention.

But mostly... its a battle that we can sometimes think we are winning and then a whole new lot of challenging behaviour comes along again.

Loving being a mummy and a wife

<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb2m.lilypie....om/nKoxp11.png" width="200" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Second Birthday tickers" /></a> <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb4m.lilypie....om/wCx3p11.png" width="200" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers" /></a>

<a href="http://www.12wbt.com/"><img src="http://www.12wbt.com...02/tracker.png" alt="12WBT Progress Tracker" /></a>

#10 Guest_Windsor_Guest

Guest_Windsor_Guest
  • Guests

Posted 15 December 2013 - 10:52 PM

Ok, new question... tantrums at the shops. Happen very rarely now she's 5 but when they do there's no stopping them. Once they get past the age for easy carrying out to the car, what's the go?

I had to try and carry her out the other day, while pushing the pram. She was throwing her shoes around when asked to put them on and nearly hit people sitting down next to the playground. Wouldn't walk along and kept pulling on the pram handles and coming to a dead stop nearly making it tip over. I had workmen coming and just couldn't wait it out. Picked her up and tried to carry her as we just HAD to go, cue her trying to kick me in the head, pinch, bite etc., left several bruises on me.

I ended up just having to put her down and walk away up to the next lot of seats cause I was about to lose my cool. The barista from our regular coffee shop just happened to walk past her when I was coming back to get her and was chatting to me yesterday about how worried he and another lady who stopped were because she was crying so much and I feel really bad but I just don't know what else I could do.


Ok, so this is just a huge vent really but DH and I will be living apart next year and she's had a few (not as bad) tantrums in the last few weeks (related to all the moving I'm sure but that doesn't make it ok...) and I'm just so worried about it happening again and me not being able to handle it...




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users