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Happy Valentine's Day... I want a divorce

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#1 anon_e_mouse74



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Posted 17 May 2013 - 12:48 PM

Hello everyone.

I wanted to thank you all for your support. I am sorry that I had disappeared after you all showed me kindness, but it turns out that when I wrote my previous post, I was pregnant. Not that I can blame hormones or anything on the way that I was feeling. I had also forgotten my password, but managed to retrieve it now!

Things haven't improved here at all, in fact they may have gotten worse.

We have also moved to another state to be closer to his family. Yes, there is a member here who does know me. LS Sorry I haven't gotten back to you on this. I actually feel foolish with everything that has been going on, and that you know. It's easy to pretend that all is well sad.gif

I went to get bub 2's first immunisations, and I thought that I should talk to the nurse there, as hubby was still on the rant that all is not right with me in the head. So I told her EVERYTHING. She said that I haven't been offered any emotional support which was the number one thing affecting me. She told me the inevitable, that I had to leave, in front of her I spoke to my sister on the phone, and with her not asking too much we came up with a plan, that I would leave, and head down to her place, their holiday home, and then my parents. It was around 3 days before Christmas and he was home that day. So I had to be strong when I got home.

I was packing the car and he was begging me not to go. Then he said that things will improve, we just need a little holiday, so he had booked a cabin for two nights. The next morning he started arguing with me again. And as I had the bags already packed (for me and the kids) I was putting them back in the car, he was taking them out. Then he took my keys off me, I tried to get the car keys back from him, and he wrestled with me in the driveway, he had also disconnected the car battery. With some of the bags still in the car, he loaded in the kids and before he left, I managed to get my own bag out (as I had secretly packed in their birth certificates), as he drove out of the drive way and away. So I was left there with no house keys (not that I cared), and my kids were gone. I thought if he doesn't return in ten minutes, I will arrange a way to go. There is no way that I can describe the defenseless feeling I had suffered. I just sat there with my suitcase, my mobile phone was missing, and I tried not to cry. Unfortunately he just drove around the block.

I ended up staying. The two days break away wasn't enough to get us back. But I felt sorry for him, possibly facing Christmas day alone. As I had no intention of returning home for Christmas.

We went down to my parents house on boxing day. He thought it would be good to get to know my family better, and yet he spent an afternoon fishing alone. He was talking about fishing the next day, when I flew up at him, that it wasn't a holiday for me, having to look after the babies, and how that I thought it rude, that he just go and spend the day alone. The next morning he then threatened to leave. He started raising his voice while I was feeding bub 2, and bub 1 was in bed with my parents. He packed his bag, and was waiting to get bub 1. He called me a lazy bitch, and that I am ungrateful to my family for their helping me with the babies. So I went in and apologised to my family. For some reason he saw sense to stay, so I unpacked some of his bag and discovered he had packed some of the gifts he had given me for Christmas! mellow.gif

Hubby is now saying he thinks about me and our relationship and everyday he feels resentment. He started an argument yesterday morning while I was trying to get breakfast for me and baby 1, she had out her hand up in a stop pose. That was upsetting and I told him to stop, I'm not interested in anything he has to say anymore, the only things that come out of his mouth toward me are complaints or put downs.

I have talked about things with a friend of mine and my family. My parents can help, but I don't want to need to rely on them. I feel trapped, and worried about how I will cope financially if we were to part ways. Is it possible to bring up two babies as a single mum? I have also spoken to MIL about a few things. It was very hard to get her to sit still or even listen. And the way that I had rehearsed the conversation in my head, was far from how it was delivered in reality. She just seemed to fob it off with no advice as what to do. Hubby had been going over there with the babies a few times on the weekends, I have a business and things were getting busy, so it allowed me time to get it all done. One afternoon they were late home. But I let my imagination run away and I feared what he could do if he were to find out that I had actually spoken to his mum about it! I fear for my babies, if we were to part, his cunningness would find away that I would not be able to see them.

I really don't know what to do now. This is not a good situation to bring up two babies sad.gif He says that I am the one that should be leaving our home, leaving him with the babies, not me taking his babies. He calls them "his kids, his babies"... He says I can't cope with looking after them and yet I look after them whenever he goes to work, I get all our meals when he is here. One night he came home late and I managed to bathe both bubbas (bub 2 is still too young to be able to sit unassisted) and make a start on dinner. In the past he has also said that should I go he will get a babysitter and with a bit of luck she will sleep with him. He is constantly accusing me of having an affair. And has questioned whether or not he is bub 2's father. We are now sleeping in separate beds.

The things I am worried about are:
Where will I live, as I am really not keen on the idea of moving back to the city.
How can I afford the life I had for my two babies?
I want them to go to good schools, how will I manage that?
Health insurance.. how could I afford that?

I think that to stay with someone simply because you are afraid to leave or worried about finances is NOT a reason to stay with them. We've also regretted the move to the new state, and on good days talk about how we would both love to manage to get back to Qld. That in itself is also not a reason to want to stay with someone. I dream of good days in the future and holidays around Australia as a family, but that is also not a reason to stay with someone.

I am not after someone better, I really don't care if I don't meet anyone else at all as all my love is directed to my babies. But I look at them and I am afraid of failing them. I get upset at the thought that they could be from a broken home. I really just want the best for them. My gorgeous babies.

Thanks for listening.

#2 aChocLover


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Posted 17 May 2013 - 02:14 PM

((((Hugs)))) sweetheart - I recall your original posts but don't actually have a clue as to who you are here.

I'm sorry that you are still going through this. Stop apologising to us though - choosing to stay and fight for your family is something to be proud of, not ashamed of. Unfortunately in your instance, it appears that your DH hasn't come to the party sad.gif

To get this far, you've been amazingly courageous - don't forget that. If you choose to leave with your children, you will be ok. I'm not denying that it will be tough for a while, but in the end I'm sure you will manage to work through it all. Try and stop thinking that a broken home is the worst thing possible for your babies. A broken, but happy home is better than a turbulent abusive home.

Are your family living where you currently are? Or are they up here in QLD? Do you have a support network available if you choose to walk away?


#3 LoveSweetpea


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Posted 31 May 2013 - 01:04 AM

How are things now, anon??
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#4 anon_e_mouse74



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Posted 26 July 2013 - 11:30 PM

QUOTE(LoveSweetpea @ May 31 2013, 01:04 AM) View Post

How are things now, anon??

Still hanging in there. It gets good and then bad then good...

Massive argument tonight, he even put some of my things (clothes) in the bin (including engagement ring and wedding ring - but I managed to fish them out of the bag). I feel drained really and lacking any get up and go.

I'm not one for dramatics. I really prefer something steady and not up and down like this is all the time. I have appreciated being able to come in here though and get some very good advice.

Still trying to keep my chin up!

#5 nephthys


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Posted 28 July 2013 - 12:12 PM

This is not a stable, supportive environment for any of you. I have full empathy for you and I'm so sorry you're in this life.

However, I am going to be frank and this may hurt a little, but both of you need to be adults and make a decision. If you're going to stay, learn to communicate, go to counselling, go back to basics and work on the relationship. If you want to leave, then do it. Stop circling the issues, stop hoping it will get better, stop dreaming about another life; for the sake of the children and yourselves, one of you needs to enforce a change.

Now, I'm just going off what you've written, in your shoes, I would leave. He does not respect you, his family does not respect you. I would wait till he's at work, pack the car, the kids and drive away. Go to your parents, get some nurturing and support from your own family for a change and use the distance to address your issues objectively. You can use Skype and phone to communicate for a while. I think you both need some space. This doesn't mean you're breaking up, not at all, and you could emphasise that with him.

As far as supporting yourself with two kids, hell girl, you're underestimating yourself. smile.gif What would happen if you were left single because of death or incapacitation? Women (and some men) do it every day; they survive because they have to. If anything happened to my DH, it would be hard work but we'd be okay, as would you.

So, please, make a decision. Take control of your life and help yourself... because he certainly isn't going to help you.

All the best.

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#6 chelley


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Posted 28 July 2013 - 10:15 PM

I agree anon with everything nepthys has said above. It is all very good advice.

Trying to work out a relationship takes strength but the point has been reached where you really need to make a decision. You are living in a toxic emotional environment for yourself and your children. Your husbands actions show that he has lost respect for you and his treatment of you is apalling. You and your babies deserve much better.

There are plenty of single mothers who cope every day and raise their children magnificently. It is just hard for you to realise the inner strength you actually possess when the put downs and negative comment chip away at your resilience and self-esteem.

I would not delay. I would pack that car, take your babies and get the hell away from him. If he can communicate respectfully from a distance then that will be the first goal. I would be looking for support from your sister and not worrying about his mother taking your side.

Think of the advice you would give a stranger or your sister if they told you what you had written in your post.

I hope in the next update you have found the strength to take the first steps towards the life you and your babies should be living.

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#7 Livvy


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Posted 29 December 2013 - 08:15 AM

Are you still with him???? I need to know your okay. I was in a marriage with no kids but my partner did everything yours did. told me what to wear, gave me no support, yelled at me that I was the wife I should clean etc etc

I think you need to leave and hope that you have this is a toxic relationship!! This will only show your children that it is okay to accept someone treating you like this!
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