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Trying to get in contact with my father ***Update*** 31/7/12

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#1 BubbleBee1


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Posted 14 March 2012 - 03:03 PM

Ok, so quick summary. my father and mother met in 86 sometime and started dating, she fell pregnant with me, they were married in feb 87, I was born in april 87.. They divorced when i was nearly 2, there were some custody cases, etc.. and havent spoken to him since I was about 9.. But have recently found out my mother has spent alot of time stuffing him around and making his life hell, up till about 10 years ago when he decided no more..

I turn 25 in April, and I have been trying to get in contact with my father since I was 17, and living with my grandmother. Now im only after closure. I emailed his sister and asked her to ask him if I could have his email or address or phone number and apparently he said yes and she gave me his address and phone number and I have sent 2 letters and hubby has called, because I was scared (and I get VERY emotional)

Basically over the years I have gone through alot of s**t regarding my mother, been on off talking to her from 2003-2008 and now I dont speak to her at all, not since Jan 2009, when she was being a horrid person and tried to have DOCs take my son from me (I was living with DH and his family, his parents who are BOTH registered DOCs carers called them and said she was lying) so anyway that put a stop to her having any contact with me cause that really was the cherry on top of a horrid life cake with her..

So about a month ago I sent this letter, basically saying I want to get to know you, I dont want anything and I dont talk to my mother, I just wanna know if you want to get to know me, blah blah blah, can you please take 5 minutes to call me yourself and let me know so I can have closure. The reason I asked for that is because I have gotten the run around from his wife and sisters. I also sent a copy to his sisters email address cause he is a truck driver and does runs from sydney to melbourne and when I contacted her, he was in melbourne where she lives..

Anyway hubby called, his wife answered and basically demanded a DNA test (which Im fine with) and demanded I pay (im not the one disputing cause as far as I have known my whole life he is my father).. Also kept saying that I only want money and that I am doing it cause my mother wants something

Basically, everytime we call we get his wife who kinda abuses us, I dont know if he has recieved the letters, and I dont know if his sister gave him the letters.

I do realise he has suffered at the hands of my mother, but so have I. It just feels like I am not being given a chance and I am getting prosocuted for the things she did (and they were mean)..

I dont know what to do, and I feel like I am going around in circles and will be left with a list of what ifs because I am not sure if he has decided to let them make the decision or if this is his decision or if he even actually knows.

sorry its a novel.. All this stuff and the fact that my mother has often told me that I should have been an abortion and she hates me and wishes i did die when I was a baby (i drowned in a pool when I was 8mths old) it is doing my head in and making me feel very unwanted by both my parents. if that makes sense...

#2 beachgurl


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Posted 14 March 2012 - 03:48 PM

I have a nephew whose mother makes life so hard for my brother to see his son he is close to giving up. Is awful for his son who has no idea and at this point is too young to have a say. I fear that he will be in your position years down the track, not knowing it was his mother's doing as to why he no longer sees his father, rather than his father not wanting him.

Maybe his wife is being difficult as she doesn't want her family dynamic to change? It is such a huge thing having a child from your partner's previous relationship to want contact, so it may be resistance on her part rather than coming from him? Or maybe he's so bitter about what happened that he thinks this may be the case.

I would try to write another letter to him. Is it possible to send it by registered mail and state that it can only be collected by him? Not sure if Australia Post even works this way, but at least you would know that your father personally received the letter.

It must be so difficult for you being led in circles and most particularly, not knowing whether it is your father showing resistance or if it is everyone else around him who has closed off that part of their life and want him to do the same.

All the very best with it.

#3 BubbleBee1


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Posted 14 March 2012 - 04:55 PM

Thanks Beachgurl.. Hubby has suggested the registered post thing.. Might give that a go..

I know about people not wanting the family dynamics to change, and I try to look from their perspective and I think I would just like them to see it from mine. I never asked for any of this, and would love to not have to do this, but cant go on not knowing..

and that sucks for your brother and nephew. It is never fair..

#4 BubbleBee1


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Posted 31 July 2012 - 05:03 PM

***Update*** 31/7/12

I was given his phone number after we moved to Tasmania.. I think it upset me a bit because we actually only lived 45mins drive away and DH's nan who we visited like once a month lived honestly 3-4 streets away (like a 5 minute walk)

Anyway, I called the number and spoke to his wife, she told me he was away driving (truck driver) and would be back on xx date call back then. She then sent me a message on FB a few days later (we are now FB friends) and told me to call now cause he is home and not busy atm, so I did, and we chatted for a little while. turns out he recieved ZERO of the letters I have sent, and didnt even know I was trying to get in contact.

Im still not sure where exactly we stand, or any of that stuff, but I know alot of the problem with talking to me was because he didnt want to get in contact with my mother. I suppose it would have been easier to get to know him if we still lived 45 mins away, because both him and I are not phone people. unsure.gif

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