Happy Valentine's Day... I want a divorce
Posted 14 February 2012 - 10:37 AM
A bit of background info. I moved from Sydney to a remote region in WA to be with Husband. I left behind my family, friends and career in Sydney & south coast NSW. We now live in QLD.
before birth: We had a few issues before Baby was born with my family. Husband bore the brunt of this as he didn’t want me to get upset as I was heavily pregnant. Around 3-4 hours after having Baby my mum yelled at me over the phone upset that she wasn’t the first to know that Baby was born. This situation was very complicated, but to blame was my broken mobile phone which I had no idea was broken. The ear piece wasn’t working and for me to hear the other end I had to have it on speaker phone. Husband took the phone off me and eventually Dad ended up getting onto the phone, hanging up, leaving our home and staying else where. This also was very upsetting for me.
after birth: I found it hard getting into the swing of things with Baby initially when I was home. The stress of trying to breast feed a baby only became worse as his parents were staying with us. Through the inability to breast feed, feeling constant scrutiny from them and lack of sleep I became quite emotional and upset, one evening I was found by the mother in law crying in the ensuite. It was because of this that Husband and he‘s parents think I am suffering from depression.
encounter 1: One evening I was determined to have dinner cooking by the time Husband got home. He arrived and I was still preparing it. Baby was needing a feed. Husband was by this stage watching the tv while I was struggling to get dinner while listening to Baby screaming. I went and put in my ears Husband’s ear plugs that he had used previously. He came up to me and violently pulled them out of my ears. By this stage his arguments are accompanied by slams of fists on the counter top. In a rush to get dinner started I opened the fridge and a full bottle of water falls out of the bottom shelf. After I had said not to put those bottles on that shelf because they fall out. So I had left it on the floor as I wanted to get the carrots and broccoli started. Husband comes into the kitchen and picks up the bottle. Which he then throws at my direction hitting me painfully on the bony part of my ankle. I don’t hesitate to leave the house and sit at a nearby bus stop for close to an hour. I then come back fearing that I’d be locked out. He is in the bedroom with the aircon going feeding Baby. I then get back to making dinner. Coming home a few days later with a bottle of sparkling rosé and chocolates, Husband thought those could fix the problem.
Christmas: As I had seen my family in August of that same year and hadn’t gone to meet up with his family (I wanted to see my family while I was pregnant), Husband thought it was only fair that we spend more days with his family over Christmas (because I didn't have a chance to see his family in August - I was around 33 weeks pregnant). I was adamant that we spend equal time, as my parents weren’t in QLD for too much longer after Baby’s birth, it was only fair that they get to spend time with her. Husband made it clear that he didn’t want to spend much time with my family once we were in South coast NSW because of the issues around Baby’s birth. So we head out for most of the day for the two of the three full days we are there. I still regret not being able to sit and relax and chat with mum and my sister.
The only run in we had with my parents is that they were waiting for us to come home to have lunch, I phoned them at 2pm sitting from the local pub waiting for our lunch order. Because Husband read the itinerary wrong and we were at south coast NSW for what he thought was an extra day and because he made the bad decision of heading back to Sydney along the coast road, we didn’t get into mid north coast NSW until 9:30pm. His Dad was angry towards me because he thought we’d be there for that day and unbeknownst to us had set up his boat for a day of fishing.
My sister was generous enough to give us a few boxes of toys and clothes. Most of which we had to leave with his parents in their four bedroom home. FIL found them and wanted to toss them. I said to MIL if he does, can you let me know, and I will make my own way down and pick them up.
encounter 2: More demands for me to do the housework, wanting sex, and complaining about going to work tired. I also had a few situations which required me to get out of bed around 1am and give Baby a feed.
encounter 3: I had moved the dryer out from the laundry because the washing machine has been struggling with uneven loads for the last several weeks. Moving the dryer allowed me to position the washing machine next to the sink. Having the washing machine closer to the sink made it easier for me to pull out all the wet clothes to reposition in the washing machine to continue the wash cycle. I put the dryer in the garage. The rocking chair which I was still sanding back at 40 weeks pregnant that I want to finish is also in the garage. To make things easier to do further work on the rocking chair I decide to clean out that half of the garage. With the addition of the dryer I reorganise that side. Husband complains of my clearing/sorting and sweeping of only half the garage saying that the house hasn’t been cleaned for three months and that I should be cleaning it “you’re a housewife, you should be cleaning the house”. As Baby is three months old, it then becomes obvious to me that he then must have been expecting me to clean the house with a newborn. I am at the same time trying to run my business (with the smattering of work coming in). To which Husband says “No one would be going to work with a three month old to look after” with this comment I am unsure if he is holding a candle to me, or saying that I shouldn’t be running my business. In the meantime he is wondering why I am unable to cope with everything and is wanting to get someone in to help me manage my time better.
encounter 4: The Sunday afternoon he arrives back home from his overnight fishing trip. I had left home that Sunday morning around 11am for the markets and don’t come home until 4pm. He is wondering how I can spend that amount of time out and at the shops and accuses me of having an affair. We didn't have aircon at the time and I spend my time at the shops to cool down.
Australia Day: He spends most of the time in bed due to a late run to FNQ. I am also tired because for some reason I get an idea of putting some Australian photos on facebook, and hence in going through all my photos, I am still awake after midnight. But being as this was “my choice”, I should put up with it. During the day he does ask me to come to bed, but I know that he doesn’t want me to sleep. I don’t, instead I put the photos on facebook and then get lunch sometime between 2-4pm, which is the cause for another argument.
encounter 5: I had to go and help him out at 1:30am Saturday morning when his truck broke down at the petrol bowser (flat battery). It wasn’t until 4am when I got home, changed Baby and then coaxed her back to sleep. All day Saturday I was tired. He spent most of the day with Baby in our bedroom which had the air con going. With me still being tired he says to come to bed, to which he is trying to force himself onto me. With everything on my mind, the issues piling up and fearing of being raped I start talking to him about some of the issues (ie finding work in NSW). He is still wanting sex, but by this stage I am crying so I leave the room and spend the rest of the day looking at information and jobs in the mines. So this day I get no chance to catch up on sleep.
He says that a husband can never rape his wife. The wife must always consent to it.
encounter 6: Trying to organise Baby’s christening. It seems that my parents might not be able to attend due to lack of funds. They were self funded retirees but due to an investment error which was beyond their control (their accountant’s mistake), they are now facing their later years of life with the pension. Husband thinks that we shouldn’t be the ones to spend our money in order for them to see Baby. Saying that he thinks my mum is very good laying on the guilt trip for not seeing Baby grow up. So I say to him that while in NSW I would like to travel down to south coast NSW to spend some time with them. In knowing how much he dislikes them now, I tell him that he doesn’t have to come. “Oh good, then I can go fishing with my Dad”. Which now leaves me with the issue, how will I get Baby, her stroller, her car seat, her clothing and my clothing from mid north coast NSW to south coast NSW.
encounter 7: We were watching either 60 minutes or another current affairs show, and there was a report on a mum who had divorced her husband due to abuse. Her ex husband had turned up one day and said that he will take their daughter to the local milk bar. He didn’t show up at her home again and she called the police, as she started getting threatening calls from her ex husband. In the end her ex husband ended up killing their daughter. To which my Husband said “she got what she deserved, because she divorced her husband and took he’s child away from him for three months”.
If we do separate, I will fear for Baby’s life.
encounter 8: I am so tired and yet he wants me to get out of bed and keep him company while feeding Baby at 7am. He wants the ipod so I direct him to the second drawer in the front room. I have changed Baby ready for her feed but he takes a long time to come out of the front room. I fall asleep with my head resting on her change mat. When he comes out I ask him what took him so long. He said he was going through bills which should’ve been put in the diary. I agreed that his idea of putting them in the drawer was a bad one. “Well why don’t you clean the breakfast bar?” he asked. (The bills were always piling up on the breakfast bar). To which I said “Oh”, and went into the bedroom and closed the door. He then comes into the bedroom while I am trying to sleep and voices his concern over why I am moody and sleepy all the time, saying that he thinks he should get someone to come in “to see if I am sane”.
encounter 9 (last night): He says that I am not allowed to go and see my friends and family in Sydney. I fear that it may be the same case even when we live in NSW. I would like Baby to know her cousins that she loves, my sister’s children, and I fear that she won’t be allowed to as well. Husband says that if I go, even if he is aware of my booking the flight...etc. and we have discussed it, that “he will change the locks”. He says that I am spending his money that he is trying to save so he can retire at 42. To which I responded out of fear of being a prisoner in a home that is repeatedly pointed out not mine “well you may be retired at 42 but you will be alone”. To which he said “I can remarry and start a new family”. It’s nice to be so detached to things.
thoughts: I feel like I have no one to talk to because I don’t want what has been going on in here to change people’s opinions of Husband. He was a great guy. I can’t even talk to my parent’s about things because they already have an opinion of him. My neighbours have their own lives and I can't go sobbing on the shoulder of the woman across the road.
I get no sympathy or support from him. He has had Baby for one day and one morning and only on that morning did I ask him to do things (I didn’t have time out for myself, I had to go to the shop for food).
I feel like now I am always needing his permission to do things (I am not even allowed to put photos of Baby on my facebook page (which is highly private) but then his sister can put photos of our baby on facebook).
I feel like I need his permission to buy things.
Somedays he even tells me what to wear.
If I leave him, he has made it clear that he will take Baby away from me.
I am starting to look at things around his house and making a list in my head of what is mine and what I will be taking with me. Baby is the top priority. All I need to buy is a bed and a lounge. Even thinking about all this is very upsetting.
I know that he will use the argument of “You can hardly look after myself than look after Baby” if it comes down to it. I can’t let him take her away from me.
What would you do?
Posted 18 February 2012 - 03:24 PM
I don't often post on the site/ forum but when I read your story it just rang so many bells!
Your story sounds very, very similar to mine.
I am nearly 2 years down the separation/ divorce track.
However I am happy to report that I am now divorced (Woohoo!) and finally have a court order in place in relation to my children and when he can have them overnight(my children are 2 & 5 years old).
Please be assured that there is ALWAYS support out there for women in our situation.
The courts will ALWAYS give priority to the children and their primary caregiver ie - YOU!
And from the sound of it your baby is quite young so there is NO WAY he will be able to take your child away from you.
If you are fearful of what he may do if you try to leave PLEASE go to the police.
I am happy to keep talking to you and helping you in whatever way I can
(If you would like to do it away from the forum I can give you my email address)
Please take care and look after yourself and your little one.
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