Jump to content


Photo

your "own" money


  • Please log in to reply
67 replies to this topic

#1 varkat

varkat

    V + K made A...our little luvbug

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,321 posts

Posted 17 June 2011 - 03:21 PM

I'm just wondering, does any one have their "own" account? By this I mean, something that you can access should you need it.

Lately I've been feeling a little like I should open an account to put some funds into. I've always been really independent (until going on maternity leave and having kids) and have always been able to 'support myself' should I need to. But since I've been at home with the kids, I've always had to 'ask' for money and it is starting to drive me a little batty.

I just can't help but think, what if something were to happen...like, god forbid, we were to separate then how would I support myself and 3 kids if I don't have any money available to me.

I've just had a very close friend separate from her hubby and she is in this exact position. Makes me wonder a bit.
<center><embed src="http://www.widdlytin...guinfamily.swf" FlashVars="t1=Now a family of 5. &a=2&k=3" quality="high" wmode="transparent" width="380" height="192" name="My Family Penguins" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="samedomain" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedi...getflashplayer" /></embed><br><a href="http://www.widdlytin...ytinks.com/">My Family from WiddlyTinks.com</a></center>

#2 Thelma

Thelma

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 6,142 posts

Posted 17 June 2011 - 03:47 PM

QUOTE(varkat @ Jun 17 2011, 03:21 PM) View Post

I've always had to 'ask' for money and it is starting to drive me a little batty.


What do you mean by you have to ask for money? We've always had joint accounts, and obviously DH is the only wage earner now aside from centrelink payments. I don't need to ask him for money, but I do run stuff by him if I need to buy something out of the ordinary in case he also has some big payments or similar coming up. But I do think it's a bit off if you have to ask for money just for something like a lunch out or a small purchase of clothes or something (as long as that is in your budget which you BOTH stick to)

Not sure how I would go about approaching the subject with my DH. "Um, I'd like to put this money aside in case we ever separate". It would really only work if you earnt your own money and had separate accounts.

#3 varkat

varkat

    V + K made A...our little luvbug

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,321 posts

Posted 17 June 2011 - 03:59 PM

I don't mean ask as in "I need some $ to buy lunch" but more that since I'm not working at the moment, I don't get get any wages. We've also never done the 'here's the cash for housekeeping for the month.

He doesn't say that I have to ask, I always feel that I have to ask. Hubby says that the account is there, so I should use what I need but I can't get over that I should be asking. Silly...

I guess it stems from not feeling like I'm contributing...even though I'm raising the kids and that's a big contribution...it's the financial contribution...it's not my earnings so therefore I don't feel éntitled to it.

This is all becoming a bit of a ramble.
<center><embed src="http://www.widdlytin...guinfamily.swf" FlashVars="t1=Now a family of 5. &a=2&k=3" quality="high" wmode="transparent" width="380" height="192" name="My Family Penguins" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="samedomain" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedi...getflashplayer" /></embed><br><a href="http://www.widdlytin...ytinks.com/">My Family from WiddlyTinks.com</a></center>

#4 flowerrose

flowerrose

    Part of the Furniture

  • ForumAddict
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,283 posts

Posted 17 June 2011 - 04:10 PM

QUOTE(AliRo @ Jun 17 2011, 01:47 PM) View Post

What do you mean by you have to ask for money? We've always had joint accounts, and obviously DH is the only wage earner now aside from centrelink payments. I don't need to ask him for money, but I do run stuff by him if I need to buy something out of the ordinary in case he also has some big payments or similar coming up. But I do think it's a bit off if you have to ask for money just for something like a lunch out or a small purchase of clothes or something


^^^^ This.

I have my old account with some cash in it because we like to keep a bit of sterling in the UK for visits and some old investments that we haven't bothered putting into joint names. Everything comes from our joint account, which I have unfettered access to. It never occurs to me to ask for money when I'm on maternity leave. In my view I'm doing an equal job in our partnership by raising the kids - not to mention sacrificing my own career progression.

I have friends who insisted on keeping their funds separate in the sake of feminism and came unstuck when they went on maternity leave - didn't even have enough free cash to buy a coffee. It sucked and I was appalled by the DHs for blindly allowing it to continue. I mean - talk about backing the wrong horse!

Should the worse happen it is far more important to have the ability to earn your own money if need be - rather than keep a slush fund aside just in case. In our case the house is in my name only for business reasons and I am the sole beneficiary on the family trust for tax purposes - so DH would be more screwed than me!


#5 Thelma

Thelma

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 6,142 posts

Posted 17 June 2011 - 04:19 PM

QUOTE(varkat @ Jun 17 2011, 03:59 PM) View Post

I guess it stems from not feeling like I'm contributing...even though I'm raising the kids and that's a big contribution...it's the financial contribution...it's not my earnings so therefore I don't feel éntitled to it.


Why do feel like that though? Does he make little digs about it to make you feel like that? Or is it just totally all made up in your head? I personally have never felt guilty for not bringing in money. We jointly made the decision that I would be a SAHM, so we jointly share the money with no guilt from either side. Every now and then DH gets stressed about work and money and I feel a bit of guilt because I can't help out, but that's about it.

#6 Puggie

Puggie

    Part of the Furniture

  • ForumAddict
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 15,808 posts

Posted 17 June 2011 - 04:55 PM

I am lucky in that I have 'earned' through both of my Mat. Leave periods - but I am also in 100% control of all our bank accounts (his / mine / ours / business and investment) so I have never had to go without.

But I know what you mean about the psychology of 'mine' vs 'his' and 'ours'. I see this a LOT amongst women who have been higher income earners and have never really HAD to pool resources pre child raising. I can see it would be quite confronting to feel the resources are brought in by someone else - especially if they happen to feel greater entitlement!!

Some friends who get Government benefits have those put in to their account for incidental spending - just so they have something for themselves.

I plan to go back to work, soon. Both for my sanity but also so I have money I can mentally peg as my own. It's not like hubby EVER whinges about what I spend - I just like having money he does not even know about!!!

#7 varkat

varkat

    V + K made A...our little luvbug

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,321 posts

Posted 17 June 2011 - 05:33 PM

Thanks Puggie, you're able to put it a bit more succintly than I have. My brain is a bit foggy...still very sleep deprived with a 4week old bub on my hands (plus the other 2!)

No govt benefits for us, ie. baby bonus, is for the baby - goes into an account for bub; only get one of the family tax benefits at tax time, and we divy that up between the kids; and childcare rebate goes the same way.

Aliro, no, he doesn't make little digs...it's all me - in my head etc. I guess it is a bit b/c he does get stressed about money sometimes and at those times, I feel extremely guilty about not working. Before I left to go on mat leave the first time, I used to work for a law firm and was quite well paid, able to put $ aside for lots of things. Now though, I won't be going back to work for a while, at least 6 months.

This could all be hormones, what's happened with my friend and just feeling a bit vulnerable. I'm just feeling a bit anxious about $ and all the 'what ifs'. Now I am rambling :-)
<center><embed src="http://www.widdlytin...guinfamily.swf" FlashVars="t1=Now a family of 5. &a=2&k=3" quality="high" wmode="transparent" width="380" height="192" name="My Family Penguins" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="samedomain" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedi...getflashplayer" /></embed><br><a href="http://www.widdlytin...ytinks.com/">My Family from WiddlyTinks.com</a></center>

#8 kisma

kisma

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 6,649 posts

Posted 17 June 2011 - 06:04 PM

We both have access to all our accounts and money, and I have no desire to have mine and his money. However I do feel more comfortable being almost in charge of our money - ie I pretty much am the one that pays bills etc.

QUOTE(varkat @ Jun 17 2011, 05:33 PM) View Post

This could all be hormones, what's happened with my friend and just feeling a bit vulnerable. I'm just feeling a bit anxious about $ and all the 'what ifs'. Now I am rambling :-)

I could be wrong, but this is what it sounds like to me unsure.gif Seeing other people being taken for a ride is never nice to see, but there is nothing like hormones raging around to get you thinking differently to what you might normally think, or freaking out about something.
<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb2f.lilypie....om/uBccp11.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Second Birthday tickers" /></a>

<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb1f.lilypie....om/d45Kp11.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie First Birthday tickers" /></a>

<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lbdf.lilypie....om/S5yfp10.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Pregnancy tickers" /></a>

#9 nephthys

nephthys

    Nothing worth having is easy.

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 10,374 posts

Posted 17 June 2011 - 06:13 PM

Yes, always have and always intend to (I won't say it will always be the case!). It works for us. Hubby and I are financially independent of each other and we both contribute our fair share into a join expense account (he earns 2.5 times what I do so obviously puts in more).

To tell you the truth, the idea of him being the only income earner and me being totally financially dependent on him makes me feel sick. I need to contribute to our household financially as a matter of pride and to feel that if anything happened to him, I'll be fine. I will always attempt to bring in my own income somehow, hence my home business.
{Insert witty line/ticker/photo here}

#10 Lemon

Lemon

    Centurion

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,609 posts

Posted 17 June 2011 - 06:14 PM

QUOTE(varkat @ Jun 17 2011, 03:59 PM) View Post


I guess it stems from not feeling like I'm contributing...even though I'm raising the kids and that's a big contribution...it's the financial contribution...it's not my earnings so therefore I don't feel éntitled to it.




I completely understand this. We are in a different situation (I was injured at work last year and we've had issues with my boss refusing to pay me rolleyes.gif ) but I feel the same in that I'm not contributing financially so I feel I don't "deserve" to spend his earnings. I know its silly, DH has told me several times that it is still "our money" and I am being silly feeling guilty about it but its just how I feel. I have worked full time and paid my own way since I was 17 so not being able to contribute financially all of a sudden is very hard IMO but I am getting better now at just telling him when I need money and reminding him when needed! It gets easier once you start! laugh.gif

I think you should definitley get your own account though, even if its just for emergencies. We have been meaning to do the opposite and get a joint account for ages now but haven't gotten around to it. We still have our own individual accounts and all the major debits come out of mine (rent, loan repayments etc) so I have to rely on DH to give me money for those things which is a pain. Once we have a joint account both our wages will go into it and we will keep an individual account each which we will put 10% or something into so that we still have our "own" money for spending/emergencies but we'll also have the joint account for all of our bills.

I wouldn't mention anything to your DH about having your own money in case you ever seperated, I would put it to him more as a smart thing to do in case you need money in an emergency as well as just to have some cash that you can use when you need to without feeling bad about "asking" him?

#11 aChocLover

aChocLover

    formerly known as AuChocolat

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,574 posts

Posted 17 June 2011 - 06:37 PM


I understand what you mean smile.gif
Until recently, I always had a slush fund - any additional funds I received from work (usually things like higher duties or travel allowances), I had paid there instead of our main account. Admittedly I spent it on family things, but it was things outside the budget, my/our 'wants'.
We canned the account because of the value compared to cost of monthly fees etc.

I personally think having the earning capacity is a far greater security than hidden money - especially when on a budget and cashflow is important.

Have you considered suggesting that you have pocket money each? DH is a terrible spender and I have recently suggested we pay ourselves $x per pay with the rest of the money committed to other things (bills/mortgage etc)? Although, my intent is to secretly open another account to start saving for DH's 50th present (trip to Antarctica) and will again siphon out the extra $ and my "pocket money" into it. ph34r.gif


#12 *Simone*

*Simone*

    Centurion

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,559 posts

Posted 17 June 2011 - 07:05 PM


I do have my own account still open from my single days, while DH just has his salary paid into our joint account. Those are the only savings accounts we have.

This hasn't ever really been an issue for us. When we both worked FT, my salary went into mine, his went into the joint, and I am the one that always pays the bills, saves money and generally manages the finances. I had a seperate account on top of that where I used to siphon off all our extra money. I never look at it as his and mine though. I tended to pay all the bills mostly from his, supplemented from my salary when needed, and put most or all of my salary into savings, where we paid for holidays and other big items.

These days it is still mostly the same set up, but because I only work two days and get CL benefits, my income is much smaller. If I need money I take it from whichever accounts has leftover money, no questions asked.

#13 Monica

Monica

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,128 posts

Posted 17 June 2011 - 10:17 PM

We have a joint account but I do have a separate account that I put 10% of my monthly pay in to. I also add a bit to it each month when I get paid, just because DH is now only working part-time (as am I), he gets paid weekly so I like to put a bit away to ration out over the month.


<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb5f.lilypie....om/511Hp10.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers" /></a>

#14 Guest_Windsor_Guest

Guest_Windsor_Guest
  • Guests

Posted 17 June 2011 - 10:43 PM

QUOTE(flowerrose @ Jun 17 2011, 04:10 PM) View Post

so DH would be more screwed than me!

Mine too. He can't last a fornight staying out of the red, let alone the rest of his life.


QUOTE(Puggie @ Jun 17 2011, 04:55 PM) View Post

I am lucky in that I have 'earned' through both of my Mat. Leave periods - but I am also in 100% control of all our bank accounts (his / mine / ours / business and investment) so I have never had to go without.

I was paid for most of mine too, by the time it stopped I'd gone back casual teaching because I wanted to so we never got joint accounts and we still just had mine and his. We really need to get to it as I'll more than likely be resigning when we move. As it is, I control all the money anyway, best way to be wink.gif

QUOTE(AuChocolat @ Jun 17 2011, 06:37 PM) View Post

Have you considered suggesting that you have pocket money each? DH is a terrible spender and I have recently suggested we pay ourselves $x per pay with the rest of the money committed to other things (bills/mortgage etc)?


This is how we work it, both when I was on full time leave and now I'm back at work part time. DH and I get the same amount each f/n as 'spending money' and I transfer out the rest into our mortgage or into my account to pay bills. Everything else is budgeted for so our 'own' money stays our own.

#15 Amelia Jane

Amelia Jane

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,473 posts

Posted 17 June 2011 - 10:50 PM

I get paid into my own account and DH is paid into his, but there is no my money and his money. We share everything, most of our expenses go on to the shared credit card which we both pay off. We both pay the mortgage as we have a split loan and pay part each. He has a savings account that he uses for whatever he wants (he doesn't need to discuss it with me) and I have an account with earnings from my second job that I use for whatever I want. We usually just use the joint funds though for anything that we want!

I do not feel the need to have a slush fund or any emergency money set aside, but having said that, I will ensure I can always support myself, failing injury or catastrophe. I'll continue to have an income throughout my 12 months mat leave but if I didn't, I don' t think I'd have a problem relying on my DH financially for a short period of time only. 12 months is not long in a lifetime. If he became a SAHD for a period of time I'd have no issue supporting him financially.

QUOTE(nephthys @ Jun 17 2011, 06:13 PM) View Post

To tell you the truth, the idea of him being the only income earner and me being totally financially dependent on him makes me feel sick. I need to contribute to our household financially as a matter of pride and to feel that if anything happened to him, I'll be fine. I will always attempt to bring in my own income somehow, hence my home business.


I totally agree, hence why I don't think SAHMing will be for me. I NEED to contribute financially, for my own self worth, and because I don't think it's fair for him to shoulder that burden just because he has a penis. I'm also not willing to get to retirement age and have substantially less super than he.

But Varkat, I think you need to cut yourself some slack, you've just had another baby and it sounds like your husband genuinely doesn't care what money you spend. You say "I feel extremely guilty about not working" but you ARE working, just not earning a wage at this point in time. I think this thing about not having your own money/income should only really be an issue for the people who don't plan to ever go back to work even once their kids are grown, and it doesn't sound like you're in that position right now.
Piper 08/12/12
Scooby 08/04/13
Playing together on Rainbow Bridge




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users