Jump to content


Photo

Asking friends to be 'Guardians' or 'Godparents'


  • Please log in to reply
14 replies to this topic

#1 Sagacious

Sagacious

    Centurion

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,963 posts

Posted 17 May 2011 - 01:21 PM

I'm hoping the lovely people of I-Do can help me.

For a while now we have known a great couple - down to earth, honest, funny, similar interests.
They are great friends and the real "salt of the earth" type.

They'd always dismissed a family saying they are not ready for children, love their lifestyle etc. However to know their personalities, of course they would be model parents.

We always had in our minds that we would ask them to be the "guardians" (or non religious version of Godparents) for our baby when he is born, and has his naming ceremony.

However, since falling pregnant we've been told in confidence that sadly due to fertility/health issues they will have limited success with TTC. sad.gif sleep.gif

This not only breaks my heart, but also leads me to my question:

Do we still ask these friends if they would like the opportunity to be guardian/godparent to our child?

I don't want to step on any toes or be insenstive to their emotions. In fact I am trying to get some opinions so that I don't offend or upset them in any way.

However, I don't want to exclude them from having this opportunity if they would value it and make it a positive part of their lives.

If anyone out there can offer some advice I would be most thankful.

#2 WinterBerry

WinterBerry

    the member formerly known as Brenno

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 694 posts

Posted 17 May 2011 - 01:47 PM

I think its wonderful that you want to make them a significant part of your child life.

We have had a long road to this pregnancy and we have been asked by 2 sets of friends to be god parents for their children.

I was honoured to be chosen and its really nice to be included.

I find that (some) friends who have kids dont rate our contribution or opinions on kids because we dont have any yet and being asked to be a god parent is a lovely way of saying that you think they would be good for their kids (and great parents for their own if they are ever blessed)

It may still hurt a little bit for them becasue of their own experiences but Im sure overall it would be a great thing to do.


[<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb1f.lilypie....hp/vwVGG5f.jpg" width="60" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie - Personal picture" /><img src="http://lb1f.lilypie....om/vwVGp11.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie First Birthday tickers" /></a>

#3 mango

mango

    i-do Addict

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,383 posts

Posted 17 May 2011 - 01:51 PM

I can't answer from their perspective but I have seen similar situations.
The couple I'm thinking of have taken it very well and dote on the kids. Its as though they have taken the chance to be positive role models in these kids lives, even though they aren't theirs but treat them almost as though they were. I guess it something you would have to try and discuss with the couple in mind and see how they feel. I can see that for some it can upset them but I think most would see it as an opportunity to be something more in the childs life and give them another caring trusted adult to turn to if the need arises.

#4 beachgurl

beachgurl

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,530 posts

Posted 17 May 2011 - 02:16 PM

Do this couple have any inkling that they will be guardians to your child, or do you think they expect to be at the top of your list? If so, then they would be crushed to know that you didn't choose them due to their fertility issues.

Through my TTC journey, it did upset me sometimes with others having children and stuff related to babies, but it hurt more to not be included.

I'm sure they would be honored to be asked. There may be times when they will look at your child with sadness at not having their own (if their TTC journey is unsuccessful), but being guardians to yours will mean they have a very special child in their lives.

#5 Puggie

Puggie

    Part of the Furniture

  • ForumAddict
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 15,808 posts

Posted 17 May 2011 - 02:31 PM

I'd ask them.

#6 jantastic

jantastic

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,971 posts

Posted 17 May 2011 - 02:44 PM

QUOTE(Puggie @ May 17 2011, 02:31 PM) View Post

I'd ask them.



ditto.

development is a journey, not a race

#7 Jaydee

Jaydee

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 10,797 posts

Posted 17 May 2011 - 03:24 PM

I'd ask them.

We were TTC at the same time as all of our siblings and TBH, people don't know what to say to you, don't include you in things, etc. Though it's done with the best of intentions, it hurts more not to be included- or at least, asked if you'd like to be.

#8 Swarles Barkley

Swarles Barkley

    Legend-wait for it-dary!

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 14,067 posts

Posted 17 May 2011 - 03:42 PM

QUOTE(beachgurl @ May 17 2011, 02:16 PM) View Post
Through my TTC journey, it did upset me sometimes with others having children and stuff related to babies, but it hurt more to not be included.

I'm sure they would be honored to be asked. There may be times when they will look at your child with sadness at not having their own (if their TTC journey is unsuccessful), but being guardians to yours will mean they have a very special child in their lives.

I agree with Jen. Whilst it might be painful to be asked, it would be more painful to not be asked because of fertility issues.

My best friend asked me to be godmother to her first born, and even through our fertility issues, I loved being invited to her occassions, as I know that even if I didn't have my own children, I had one very special (and loved) little girl in my life wub.gif It would never be the same, but least I had someone to dote on.

And Tania, I think it shows how sensitive a person you are by asking this question, as many people wouldn't have given it a second thought. wub.gif
<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb1f.lilypie....om/IXnfp10.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie First Birthday tickers" /></a>

#9 smileykylie

smileykylie

    Finally a MRS!!!!

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 856 posts

Posted 17 May 2011 - 06:09 PM

I would ask.

I have just become godparents to my best friends little girl.
Even though I don't have kids myself (Not yet due to infertility), I have the best relationship with my god daughter and she loves me to death!Thinks I'm the beez knees smile.gif



<center><embed src="http://www.widdlytin...hdayticker.swf" FlashVars="t1=&t2=Jackson is&b=1&c=0x000000&f=23&y=2013&m=10&d=31" quality="high" wmode="transparent" width="430" height="115" name="Pregnancy Ticker" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="samedomain" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedi...getflashplayer" /></embed><br><a href="http://www.widdlytin....com/">Birthday Tickers from WiddlyTinks.com</a></center>

#10 lizzums

lizzums

    Part of the Furniture

  • ForumAddict
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,485 posts

Posted 17 May 2011 - 07:40 PM

Tania I would ask them.
Cant speak for them but if someone were to ask Steve and I given our struggles we would both feel so honoured.


#11 chelley

chelley

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 9,900 posts

Posted 17 May 2011 - 07:53 PM

I would ask them. They can always turn it down but I would consider it an honour regardless of whether I could have children or not
IPB Image

Check out my blog at www.geeyourebrave.com

#12 BubbleBee1

BubbleBee1

    Uniquely Insane :)

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,454 posts

Posted 17 May 2011 - 09:43 PM

we were in a similar situatuion with my SIL who I asked to be DS's godmother. we sat down and discussed with her, and said we'd like to have her as godmother but if she wasnt comfortable with it then there was no hard feelings about it.

if you want them to be guardians, then maybe discuss with them, so if they are not comfortable with it because of their ttc situation then there would be no hard feelings.

#13 Sagacious

Sagacious

    Centurion

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,963 posts

Posted 18 May 2011 - 07:54 AM

Thank you so much ladies for your honesty, advice and support! biggrin.gif
Given the overwhelming positive response, we will sit down with them over dinner etc and ask - and of course if they are not comfortable with it they can decline - and I certainly would not get upset if they did.

QUOTE(beachgurl @ May 17 2011, 02:16 PM) View Post

Do this couple have any inkling that they will be guardians to your child, or do you think they expect to be at the top of your list? If so, then they would be crushed to know that you didn't choose them due to their fertility issues.

Through my TTC journey, it did upset me sometimes with others having children and stuff related to babies, but it hurt more to not be included.

I'm sure they would be honored to be asked. There may be times when they will look at your child with sadness at not having their own (if their TTC journey is unsuccessful), but being guardians to yours will mean they have a very special child in their lives.

Thanks for your input, Beachgurl - we really do want them to be included an be given this opportunity. My reason for asking is that I have been quite fortunate with my TTC, and I guess wanted to try to be as senstive to their emotions as I can be.

It's a good point that you have raised about if I didn't ask they might feel excluded - that would make me feel terrible, to have hurt them more, with the intentions of NOT hurting their feelings! ohmy.gif

QUOTE(Lizzums @ May 17 2011, 07:40 PM) View Post

Tania I would ask them.
Cant speak for them but if someone were to ask Steve and I given our struggles we would both feel so honoured.

Thank You, Liz - your input and honesty means a lot to me. I am sure they will feel the same way and I hope they are honoured when we do ask them. You and Steve are both really beautiful people and I do hope someone asks you this very question one day too!

Again - thank you all so much - this has taken a huge load off my mind!

#14 Cole29*

Cole29*

    Centurion

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,634 posts

Posted 18 May 2011 - 01:01 PM

I just have a question - is it Godparents or Guardians that you would like them to be, as the 2 are different.

Godparents are of course the people you choose to help guide your children and raise them in whichever faith you choose. Guardians are the people you name in your Will to raise your children should you pass away while they are still minors.

You certainly don't have to pick the same people for both "jobs". Most people I know have close friends as Godparents but family members (grandparents or aunties/uncles) as legal guardians in their Will.

That aside - yes I would ask them regardless of their fertility issues, they can certainly turn you down if they don't want the responsibility, and Guardianship is a huge responsibility, though of course hopefully the need never arises.

ETA: Having re-read your post I see now what you mean by Guardians. I would be careful refrring to them as Guardians though given the legal meaning.
<center><embed src="http://www.widdlytin...hdayticker.swf" FlashVars="t1=Our Big Boy Benny &t2=days until he is 3&t3=Today is the day!&bckimg=4&y=2012&m=2&d=27&colorNumber=1&fonttype=Playful" quality="high" wmode="transparent" width="300" height="80" name="Anniversary Tickers at WiddlyTinks" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="samedomain" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedi...getflashplayer" /></embed><br><a href="http://www.widdlytin...hday/">Birthday Tickers</a></center>

<center><embed src="http://www.widdlytin...ancyticker.swf" FlashVars="t1=Baby Brother is coming&b=9&c=0x33FF99&f=16&y=2012&m=9&d=16" quality="high" wmode="transparent" width="430" height="115" name="Pregnancy Ticker" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="samedomain" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedi...getflashplayer" /></embed><br><a href="http://www.widdlytin...com/">Pregnancy Tickers from WiddlyTinks.com</a></center>

#15 Mellybel

Mellybel

    i-do Addict

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,130 posts

Posted 02 August 2011 - 10:54 PM

QUOTE(Swarles Barkley @ May 17 2011, 04:42 PM) View Post

I agree with Jen. Whilst it might be painful to be asked, it would be more painful to not be asked because of fertility issues.

My best friend asked me to be godmother to her first born, and even through our fertility issues, I loved being invited to her occassions, as I know that even if I didn't have my own children, I had one very special (and loved) little girl in my life wub.gif It would never be the same, but least I had someone to dote on.

And Tania, I think it shows how sensitive a person you are by asking this question, as many people wouldn't have given it a second thought. wub.gif


agreed, one of the saddest things about my 2 m/c was not being included - or at least I saw it that way

QUOTE(Cole29* @ May 18 2011, 02:01 PM) View Post

I just have a question - is it Godparents or Guardians that you would like them to be, as the 2 are different.

Godparents are of course the people you choose to help guide your children and raise them in whichever faith you choose. Guardians are the people you name in your Will to raise your children should you pass away while they are still minors.

You certainly don't have to pick the same people for both "jobs". Most people I know have close friends as Godparents but family members (grandparents or aunties/uncles) as legal guardians in their Will.

That aside - yes I would ask them regardless of their fertility issues, they can certainly turn you down if they don't want the responsibility, and Guardianship is a huge responsibility, though of course hopefully the need never arises.

ETA: Having re-read your post I see now what you mean by Guardians. I would be careful refrring to them as Guardians though given the legal meaning.


what cole said, bearing in mind the family courts won't necessarily follow the will, the chil/ren are paramount for them

Mel x
IPB Image




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users