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#16 loveActually

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Posted 14 February 2011 - 08:24 AM

I wish I could be as strong as you guys... but I'm not.. The thing is with him, he actually is a good parent... loving and caring...

But I also dont want to go up against him because he is really good at manipulating people... like he even convinced ME for 2 years AND my family (now) that he is a poor innocent victim and I'm this horrid person blah blah

Long story short hes convinced everyone that Im awful and an unfit mother by twisting some truths (such as me being messy) with his twisted reality.. it took ME 2.5 years of fights to realise his deception... it will also take other people that long too...

Im feeling so over it and hate having to justify myself... Im a good happy person, and my friends know that and God knows that and I know that. I know the truth... its taken me 2.5 years of experiencing his wrath and LOTS of reading about narcissism to realise that its not actually me, its HIM.

Its soo frustrating when I finallyl come to my decision, my own mother STILL wants me to go back to him... even tho last time I told her DO NOT TELL ME TO GO BACK TO HIM I DONT WANT TO... I made it crystal clear... and she still wants me to. Makes me very mad. I think its because she wants to save face because in her community they might look down on me for being a single mother or think that Im being selfish and not looking for my sons best interests... My mums generatio n think that its important to have the father in his life as a family etc... its like theres no room for circumstances such as abuse to c hange that sad.gif

I talked to my boss this morning (after I just dropped my son off back to his dad and wont see him again for a week) at a meeting and just burst out crying was embarrassing... I dont want my emotions to affect me at work sad.gif

#17 ~Emma~

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Posted 14 February 2011 - 09:47 AM

Let the emotions affect you... That will show you that no matter how weak you think you are, YOU MUST FIGHT FOR YOUR SON!

To be frank, stop coming up with excuses about why you cannot face him.. He is a violent cruel man, and you do not want your son to start mimicking what he does .. If you cant fight for your son, fight for every women who may be a part of his future.

As you know, my situation is scarily similar, but the one difference is that I will refuse to let my ex think he have the emotional hand on me..

#18 la_jeune_mariée

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Posted 14 February 2011 - 11:03 AM

It must feel bloody awesome to look at him and realise how little power he really has. I'm sure it's very painful to think about, but try to focus on the strength you had at that meeting at your sons childcare.

Your mother does not have to live your life. You do. What is more important? Your safety and happiness or her (second hand, nobody-really-cares) reputation?
"The less justified a man is in claiming excellence for his own self, the more ready he is to claim excellence for his nation, his religion, his race or his holy cause." - Eric Hoffer


#19 *Simone*

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Posted 14 February 2011 - 05:28 PM


In your situation I would definitely not be handing him over to this man, especially for such long periods. If my DH was violent I wouldn't be willingly handing my precious son over to him, how do you know in your absence it's not going to be your son that starts copping it instead?

As someone else said in custody matters status quo is very important. If you start going down this road it will be hard to explain why you have done so if you don't really think he should have that level of care for your son. I think you need to see a counsellor and a legal aid solicitor ASAP so someone with a professional reputation can inform you of your rights and start giving you some sensible advice before it is too late. I would be telling anyone who knows the situation and is not supportive of you leaving him to shut their mouths if they have nothing helpful to say.

I'm sorry if I sound abrupt but in your situation protecting my son would be my number one priority and I don't understand why you are letting other things getting in the way of that sad.gif

#20 loveActually

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Posted 15 February 2011 - 08:29 AM

Hi Girls..

Emma and Simone: The thing is he is really great with his son... I believe he actually loves his son and would never hurt him. He is violent and awful with me when he gets angry or doesnt get his way but I havent seen anything that would strike me as worrying with my son. My concern isnt that he isnt looked after, the future concerns me when he has another relationship and he starts to act in the same way as when he was with me...

I don't feel right in trying to say he is an unfit parent because I feel that would be lying. Its hard to explain.. I know its silly because of all the crap he says about me.. I am going to get some proper legal advice and ask about Custody... I was also thinking about going to a mediator? I believe you need to go to a mediator before you go to court? I just dont want to have to say that he is an unfit parent. I want to get full custody without it having to get to that point.. But girls I will fight to get full custody if it has to get to that point

la_jeune_mariée: Yeah its really strange how he has absolutely no power over me anymore. I keep telling him no, its over, im not going back there no way etc... (he was emailing me yesterday saying he is going to counselling working on himself and there isnt anything he wouldnt do for me and his son) and i just kept to my agenda .. no this break is happening etc and normally when he would get enraged and scream and just become really awful and soo soooo nasty, now he is just sucking up, saying I understand, and you have everyright to be angry etc... its VERY odd coz in our relationship if I said something like that he would just throw it back in my face and say that Its my fault or make the focus me and what I did wrong to him and never accept any responsibility. Its funny seeing him actually squirm.. and it also becomes VERY clear how deceitful he is, as that crap would have worked on me years ago, how he is just a troubled soul who really wants to change etc but now I know its all BS

Dont get me wrong, I believe he WANTS to change, I dont believe he actually CAN.. You cant just GROW empathy... you care just GROW a heart to care for anyone elses feelings but your own... its either there ... or it isnt. In his case it just isn't and Ive accepted that.

#21 squidge

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Posted 15 February 2011 - 07:20 PM

QUOTE(loveActually @ Feb 15 2011, 09:29 AM) View Post

Dont get me wrong, I believe he WANTS to change, I dont believe he actually CAN.. You cant just GROW empathy... you care just GROW a heart to care for anyone elses feelings but your own... its either there ... or it isnt. In his case it just isn't and Ive accepted that.

Very well said and I am SO glad that you can see this now biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif

I've said it before and will say it again - FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT for full custody!

#22 loveActually

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Posted 17 February 2011 - 08:30 AM

Well guess what. Im done playing mr nice girl! AFter numerous attempts of DH trying to get back with me and me saying no no no no no...

He finally cracked it and went all nasty on me, saying that I cant go pick up my stuff from the place!!! and that he is going for full custody just because I wouldnt go back to him!! hehe i told him that i knew that mr nice guy act would bullsh*t haha

To my relief, NOW IS THE TIME TO FIGHT!!! I AM going to get my baby back xxx smile.gif smile.gif

Now I am desperately trying to find legal representation thats free from community centres (so i heard) as I cant afford the solicitor I appointed sad.gif first consult was like $1600!

hehe didnt take long for his nastiness to kick in huh wink.gif

#23 *Lib**

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Posted 17 February 2011 - 08:50 AM

Hey you knew it was there.....just had to wait for it to find its way to the top!
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#24 ~Emma~

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Posted 17 February 2011 - 09:09 AM

samr thing my ex is doing hun!! stay strong, and don't lose sight of the end...

#25 mango

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Posted 17 February 2011 - 12:22 PM

Wow, I followed your threads previously but never knew what to say. Good work on leaving and stay strong and fight.

FTR I think he is an unfit father. He isn't a positive roll model for your son and has anger issues that flick on and off like a light switch and you can not know if he will ever "flick on" while caring for your son, as you said anything not going his way sets him off, and kids make their own rules, so its only a matter of time. Also if your worried about him being in future relationships and the affect it will have on your son, the time is to act now.

Good luck, and keep us updated. Unfortunately there are plenty of girls on here that have gone through this that can hopefully help with information, but know we are all here to support you.

#26 loveActually

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Posted 17 February 2011 - 01:52 PM

omg... i just got off the phone with the solicitor... it was a woman, but she seemed so cold to all the abuse and violence...??

she said the courts try to look at 50 50 custody IF AT ALL POSSIBLE first!! i said even if they are violent? she said yes . i said i thought that the mum always got custody first... she said no the laws changed in 2006 sad.gif

i told her about all the stuff he has done to me and the baby and she said its not relevant...?

was weird. Ive lost my enthusiasm and confidence now sad.gif

#27 mango

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Posted 17 February 2011 - 01:59 PM

Don't lose hope. Talk to someone else.

#28 squidge

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Posted 17 February 2011 - 06:15 PM

FInd someone else, give her the flick!

Also, I'm not surprised his nasty streak made its ugly appearance yet again! His true colours shine again!! Glad you see through all his shit biggrin.gif

#29 loveActually

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Posted 18 February 2011 - 08:14 AM

Right now I am just soo worried about what Im going to do about getting my stuff.

He has told me I am not allowed to come get my things... and he will call the police and have me charged with trespassing if I come. So I have organised with the police to accompany me to go get all my stuff.
I am also getting my parents to come with me as well.. I am about to have a panic attack I am so nervous at the thought of even confronting him  My sister suggested that I just go there when he is at work...
Im just so scared that he might be at home. (he has been slack at work lately due to his depression coz of the break)

I have moved out now to my own place (instead of staying with my sister) and am sleeping on a mattress on the floor with NOTHING. He has EVERYTHING.
And my mum and dad although they want me to get back with him, they do not agree to letting him have everything so they are coming with me to claim back what is mine.

Im so nervous. He will have my son also. Gee I really need to draw up courage to face him coz I hate his aggression im really really nervous 

Yeah he has been so weird. He has been going thru cycles. First, nastiness and threats, then oh I love you so much I will change, then we need to do whats best for our son lets be civil and fair... then he goes all nasty again.... crazy

#30 purpledixie

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Posted 18 February 2011 - 08:59 AM

OMG what a terrible situation. I am not sure about the legal side of things, but surely you are allowed to go and get some things, good call on getting the police involved and your parents at least you will be safe.

Do you own/have a mortage on your house or do you rent?? Surely you are entitled to get your things in either scenario.

Please be careful, you are doing the right thing!!




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