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#1 loveActually

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 09:17 AM

Hi everyone...

You all probably know me already I went by another name however I am unable to use it since my ex found it and read the whole thing etc.

I was mainly in the relationship forum,. dealing with a narcissistic husband... and alot of people hated me for staying in that relationship. (initials SG)

Anyway, I needed to leave when I was ready, otherwise I would have gone back etc. So I finally left a month ago and havent looked back. I have finally come to my senses that he will never change, and I have been so happy with my decision. The only thing is that he is using my son against me, being nasty and threatening to take my house away... etc.

My sister is still very much influenced by his bullsh*t.. and so are my parents... it gets me angry, but the way I see it, is that they are still where I was, only 4 mths into the marriage, under the illusion that he is such a great husband and father, but only has anger issues. blah blah..does anything for his family blah blah.. after 2.5 years you realise its all manipulation.. but narcissists actually BELIEVE their owns lies, so its hard to tell reality from twisted reality.

Anyway, I am ok, however now the custody issue looms ahead, and its really distressing me. At first, I had to move to my sisters house, and he forbid me to take him with me, so I just had to see him on the weekends..(2 weekends) then he tried to get me to sign papers to say i get him on weekends, but I didnt and insisted we get joint custody. So I had to go a whole week without seeing my son, so that I get him for a full week. So I finally get him for a full week now, and I picked him up yest afternoon..He wants full custody. And I want full custody but I dont want to go up against him because he is very intimidating and he has always threatened to hurt me if I took his son away frmo him. So I was thinking of just doing joint custody,... half the time he spends with me and half with his father. one week on, starting monday, then on wednesday he will stay with the other parent (one week is a long time to be apart from your son it was very difficult) then the other parent will pick him up the next day, and swap over on monday.

My concern isnt that he cannot look after my son, he is actuall ya very loving and dedicated father, its just when he is in another relationship, or just his influence on my son is what I am concerned about.. The future custody agreement. I dont want my son to turn out like him sad.gif

I dont knnow whether to try fight for full custody now or later, as it may be harder for me to get full custody later.. I just dont want to be up against him either sad.gif

#2 ~Emma~

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 10:11 AM

FIGHT!!! ABSOUTELY!! Do not let him intimidate you, that is what he is banking on you doing!

If you love your son, you will fight for him!

I have spoken to you viam PM already, so you know my story, I suggest you seeing a solicitor ASAP and fighting til you cannot fight no more! Your boy deserves it!

#3 jodie1980

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 12:13 PM

Absolutely fight for your child!! From what I have read in the past he is an awful man and you don;'t want your son growing up around that sort of violence.

If I got full custody and I was scared of my partner I would take my child and move away too!
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#4 *Lib**

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 12:25 PM

Good on you!!! I must admit I didn't think we'd ever see the day!! Well done, and good luck!!
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#5 MegLegs

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 12:30 PM

If you got an AVO like you said you did, surely you'd get custody by default. At the very least that would be enough to show the court what kind of person he is and he'd get zip - stand up for yourself and more importantly, your son.

That being said though, good on you for finally leaving. But you're still letting him control you. He's scaring you to get what he wants, freaking fight woman!
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#6 ~Emma~

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 12:32 PM

QUOTE(MegLegs @ Feb 8 2011, 01:30 PM) View Post

If you got an AVO like you said you did, surely you'd get custody by default.


Just want to say that this in fact not true. At least not in my case... The AVO has made things more difficult...

#7 *Lib**

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 12:35 PM

QUOTE(loveActually @ Feb 8 2011, 09:17 AM) View Post

I dont knnow whether to try fight for full custody now or later, as it may be harder for me to get full custody later.. I just dont want to be up against him either sad.gif

My husband was given sole custody of his daughter and stepson. Then the mother disappeared with them and he gave up the fight. We haven't seen them in 11years.

Fight now......trust me.
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#8 squidge

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 06:13 PM

I was wondering where you were after not hearing from you via PM for a while, but glad you're back and even happier that you're still separated from this arsehole (and if he does find this and reads it, YES mate you ARE an arsehole)

Fight for your child, do NOT let this coward intimidate you. He's trying his hardest to do this because he knows he's losing control over you and he hates it! Do not let him have any sort of control over you any more. FIGHT and don't be scared. Like I said to you about my ex, when they sense you are no longer intimidated by them, then they are nothing. They piss off in to the sunset like the cowards they are wink.gif

#9 la_jeune_mariée

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 07:18 PM

Well done! You've taken your first (massive) positive step. biggrin.gif

The second step you take should be to go for full custody. Through the courts if need me. I believe that the police were involved when he stabbed you? If so, find that paperwork. In fact find every piece of paperwork you can find that speaks to his true character. Keep a diary. Get organised.

This process will be long and painful but visualise what you want to achieve. A happy future for you and your son. Remove yourself from the situation and think "What would a strong person do now?". It's absolute poppycock psychobabble but it often works.

Best of luck. It's just excellent that you're safe smile.gif
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#10 loveActually

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Posted 11 February 2011 - 08:28 AM

QUOTE(la_jeune_mariée @ Feb 8 2011, 08:18 PM) View Post

Well done! You've taken your first (massive) positive step. biggrin.gif

The second step you take should be to go for full custody. Through the courts if need me. I believe that the police were involved when he stabbed you? If so, find that paperwork. In fact find every piece of paperwork you can find that speaks to his true character. Keep a diary. Get organised.

This process will be long and painful but visualise what you want to achieve. A happy future for you and your son. Remove yourself from the situation and think "What would a strong person do now?". It's absolute poppycock psychobabble but it often works.

Best of luck. It's just excellent that you're safe smile.gif


NO Im really silly and I didnt report it.. My sister was telling me to definately report it but I have no idea why I was too scared to...

He showed up at my sons childcare when I went to pick my son up... he was begging me to take him back and at the end was even crying. I stood my ground and kept saying over and over that I dont want to go back there... he kept saying this is our family this is our family dont you miss our family... I did feel a little bad for him... but I just have to remember why Im leaving him,... I know he will never change and he was absolutely awful. Towards the end he wasnt violent anymore but boy did it come out in his moods and snappiness..

I need to remember the bad times. He was really good as long as things went his way etc. But when it came time to discuss things he didnt want to discuss or was confronted by something or even if I was mad about something (which I wasnt allowed to be ever otherwise he would overpower my anger with HIS aggression and anger) he would go berserk and throw tantrums... and when I told him that he was throwing a tantrum he would accuse ME of throwing a tantrum?? Come to think of it, any type of behavioural concern I had about him and would bring up with him, he would accuse ME of having them instead... (classic sign of narcissism)

Anyway, I have been having ups and downs... some days Im totally strong and very proud of my decision and that Im out... other days I am sad.. I know what I want but still sad anyways.

I just need to continue and never go back there. Ever

Thanks girls for your support means alot xx

#11 flowerrose

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Posted 11 February 2011 - 08:59 AM

Fight! There is no way I'd agree to joint custody in your position. Get a good solicitor now. Phone the Law Society in your State and ask for a list of family lawyers. When you phone or at the initial meeting ask about their experience in dealing with custody issues in domestic violence situations. You need to know that they understand and can articulate the dynamic to a Judge. They should also tell you about funding options as well.

Please also go to the doctor and get a referral for counselling to help you stay strong during this difficult period.

Welcome to the new you. LA are much better initials than SG!

#12 * MsSassy *

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Posted 11 February 2011 - 07:05 PM

Darl,

Once you start allowing 50/50 care of your son it will become very difficult to change later in the future. Do keep you're son. He is young and impressionable and 50/50 isn't that beneficial to the child (more beneficial for the parents in most cases).

Once he is older and the animosity is settled between you and your ex it may be an option. But do you really think 50/50 is best interests of your son??? Cause that is what it comes down too.

#13 squidge

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Posted 11 February 2011 - 08:11 PM

YAY to you being strong and resisting his emotional blackmail crap!!! May it continue! And please, if ever you need it, you can always PM me

#14 nephthys

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Posted 12 February 2011 - 10:31 AM

Good on you for finally standing up to this bully. You deserve to feel free and are now on the path to peace. Although for the record, I can only speak for myself when I say I never hated you for not leaving him, just frustrated that you were suck in a situation where you were treated so appallingly.

I don't have much experience with custodial arrangements but I too would pull together all the evidence you have on his behaviour and use it as evidence that he is unfit for 50/50 custody. You've posted a lot on this forum so copy all your posts with the dates and build a database. When he stabbed you, you need to say you felt too scared to report it and that it's a testament to his unfitness. Research and get all the advice you can. Try to remember the dates of as many incidents as possible and until it's over, only spend time with people who will support you (ie, not your family) because you'll need every bit you can get.

He'll put up a great fight but you're already showing him his power over you is diminishing and he'll be hating it.

Even without family support, you can do this. It just means that when you come out the other side, you will be stronger with the knowledge you did it all by yourself. Keep in touch here and use the knowledge of the ladies here to your advantage. We can be your support network.

So, go get him. biggrin.gif
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#15 hanes

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Posted 12 February 2011 - 12:06 PM

Good on you for finding the courage to leave him.

Please fight for full custody. I can imagine how intimidating he must be, and that's just reading through this past and the last thread you created. But you can do it.

I have a friend going through something similar at the moment and her advice is to keep a daily diary - extremely useful in court apparently and dont give up!

Take care
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