Lost and very far from home
Posted 11 December 2010 - 04:45 AM
I found this forum when I was googling, and I thought I would post as I am in a very hard place right now.
My husband (been together 9 years, married for 3) last night said that he does not love me any more, and wants to end our relationship. I have been crying ever since.
We are both Aussie, but have been living together in Canada for the last 2 years, which is where things started to fall apart. He thinks he has found himself (going out all the time and meeting new people) whereas I hold him back. I am not as outgoing as him. He has one particular friend that he met in a bar one night and goes out on sporting weekends and parties, and I am not asked to attend any of this stuff as I "wouldnt fit in".
Dont get me wrong, we have had loads of fun times here together, but like he says, when we are alone together we get on just fine and have a ball. But since he is now this new social person that is not enough. His new friends seem to be much more important. He doesn't like having a wife to have to inform of his actions (say texting me to say he wont be home for dinner), and who might be upset that he is out once again. I wonder if a factor to this story is that the vast majority of the people involved in his 'new scene' are around our age (28) but single. We met when we were 20, and have been together since then. Perhaps he feels like he missed out on this part of his life?
Anyways, I don't have any close friends over here to discuss this stuff with. We were both planning to head home to Adelaide for Christmas, but the plane does not leave for another 6 days, and we have 2 days in transit. I guess when he returns to Canada next year, I stay in Australia. I had not even thought that I needed to pack up all of my belongings to send home.
I could use some advice from some people who know what I am going through. None of my friends are at the Divorce stage of life, it is all babies and happiness. How can I restart my life and trust a man again?? I still love this guy and thought I would forever. Will I ever get to have children, I dont feel there is enough time for me to meet someone new and know them well enough before I am too old.
I would like nothing more than to fix this and get on with my life as a happily married woman with her dreams for the future. But it is not looking like he is going to change his mind.
Also I am increadibly embarrassed, I have always been such a together person, but this is totally out of my control. How do I tell people this terrible news??
Thankyou for reading my rant, it feels good to put it down in writing.
Posted 11 December 2010 - 06:08 AM
Posted 11 December 2010 - 07:42 AM
My DH & I had been together for six years and married for one month before we moved to Seattle at the beginning of 2008. The first two years were the toughest on us and at one stage there I really thought that it was all over. Living overseas away from family & friends is tough and I'm glad that you've reached out. I know what its like to be sitting there all alone in your house without your normal support structure wondering what the hell do I do now? It can be a very isolating experience and I want you to know you are not alone xx
All of our friends are single guys too, so I can understand the "allure" of the "single life" to your husband. Its probably very exciting to him to have this new life. I think its unfair of him to find this new life and then dismiss you without even inviting you to events. Its not fair to say you wouldn't fit in before even offering you the chance to come along. I'm not an outgoing person either so I understand any reservations that you may have to go out and socialize. Making new friends as an adult is hard and a little intimidating. I find it hard to understand that after nine years together he is so ready to throw it all away. I'm so sorry.
Is the relationship completely over? I'm sure you've both done a lot of talking about everything but is there any way for you to work things out? Better yet do you both want to work things out?
Don't stress about telling people what has happened. You shouldn't be embarrassed, this is life and unfortunately things like this happen. I don't think anyone is going to think less of you because of this. Tell people when YOU are ready to tell people and its completely up to you how much you say.
If I were in your situation I would immediately reach out to one or two close family members. Do you have a brother or sister that you can talk to or a really good friend? You need to talk to someone who knows & understands you. Please do not think that you can just keep all of this inside - I am very similar, I try to keep it all in and keep it all together, but it starts to take its toll (as I'm sure you already know).
Maybe some time apart will give him some perspective.
Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about this
Big hugs xx
Posted 12 December 2010 - 08:19 AM
I don't think I can offer advice on what you should do actually because it sounds like he's convinced not having you is the better life. I think it's the wrong decision because he'll learn pretty fast it's not what he thinks it is. However, we can't force someone to love us and I think you just need to ride this one out and what will be will be.
I'm sorry I'm not offering happy messages. I do wish you the best and I hope it works out in your favour after all of this.
Posted 13 December 2010 - 06:49 AM
I think he is being incredibly selfish.
If you think it is really over, then I would be getting my stuff packed up before you come home for Christmas and not going back if possible, then he might see how much he misses you.
I would also be honest when you go home for Christmas to see your families. If they ask what the problem is tell them, that he thinks he has missed out on something and he would rather go out all the time then be with you. May be hearing from your families how crazy that is, he might start to see some sense.
I guess if it is all over, then there will always be someone else and you arent to old to start again, no matter how much it all hurts and feels hopeless at the moment.
I hope you can work something out.
Posted 15 December 2010 - 03:14 PM
What I have noticed is that we're similar in age (28) and also from Adelaide, so if you do happen to come back and need to start a support network, I am more than happy to step in and take you under my wing
I certainly hope that it doesn't come to it though - it sounds like your hubby needs a swift kick up the bum, and that's being polite. I think a reality check is needed on his part, pronto!
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