Jump to content


Photo

When to have the clarification conversation


  • Please log in to reply
11 replies to this topic

#1 **Vanessa**

**Vanessa**

    Centurion

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,752 posts

Posted 20 October 2010 - 02:28 PM

Hmmm I think I know what the answer will be to the conversation but I don't want to seem like I am rushing things.

I met this guy, Jamie off O@s!s about a month ago. First date we had drinks, talked about relationships, work, what we are looking for, he works away so he saw it as a good thing that I used to as I know what it is like. Anyway that ended he sent me a message saying that I was awesome and he would like to take me out to dinner next week. Anyway we were constantly texting and I went to his place on the Sunday night, Abbey was being looked after by my hosuemate.

He came over to my house a few days later, I cooked him dinner and he met Abbey. It was all good until the morning. He was pretty distant and hardly heard from him that day, I sent him a message that night saying "have a safe flight. I have had fun getting to know you and hope to see you when you get back" He replied "Cheers. I have had fun too. Take care smile.gif" Now being the skepical analytical person I am, no mention of a next time so I replied "Well that was fun while it lasted" then I got angry because he did not reply so i sent "to be honest I am a bit hurt and disappointed that I was just a bit of fun. If I had known that I would not have cooked you dinner and I most certainly would not have introduced you to my daughter" I went on to O@s!s that morning and he had unsuspended his account and deleted me. So I sent another message 'Thanks for deleting me, you could have at least had the decency to tell me that you were not interested"

Nothing, for 4 weeks, until Saturday night I was on the phone and got a voicemail "Hey how are ya Vanessa it's Jamie, just thought I would give you a buzz catch ya" So I rang him back. first question was "Are you drunk?" he replied no he is at work and hasn't been back to perth yet but will be back on Monday. I asked him why he is clarifying it now and he said he was going through his messages and saw the last one from me so he wanted to clear his name, plus he thought I was a bit psycho. Anyway that was it, we made no plans to see each other.

Monday arvo get "What are you up to?" I reply "Not a lot you?" "How about I come up for a couple of drinks and shout you and Abbey dinner" So he came up with a carton of beer and we had take away. It was my choice because he wanted to show he wasn't a prick, and we could not go out as it was close to Abbey's bedtime. Anyway he was really nice, played with Abbey, cleared dinner away etc. Next morning he made us coffee but had to go and sort out stuff with his ex (They own an investmment property together, which is now being sold).

We text daily, but I am not sure what we are. I don't think it is anything serious, which I would prefer Abbey not to be involved with, but when he is here it is like it is serious. Grr I hate not knowing but I don't want to push him.

So should i have the talk next time? what should I say?

thanks!
IPB Image
Abbey, doing things her way since 29-10-09
Stand up for what you believe in, even if you're standing alone

#2 scary_girl

scary_girl

    i'm really not that scary

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,897 posts

Posted 20 October 2010 - 02:38 PM

I guess it depends on what you want Vanessa - I think there is nothing wrong with sitting down and talking to him about the situation. You can just ask if he is looking at this as a potentially serious relationship or not. When Mat and I first got together it was our second 'date' when he told me that he only wanted to do this if I was really serious about us in the long term. It obviously didn't scare me off and I think it is a perfectly reasonable question to ask.

Considering that you have Abbey to think of as well now I think if I was in your shoes I would be having 'that' conversation sooner rather than later.

Good luck deciding what to do!

<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb3m.lilypie....com/j3iBp9.png" width="200" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Third Birthday tickers" /></a><a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb1m.lilypie....com/n9glp9.png" width="200" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie First Birthday tickers" /></a>

#3 aChocLover

aChocLover

    formerly known as AuChocolat

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,574 posts

Posted 20 October 2010 - 03:00 PM

^^ I agree, something to have sooner than later so you know what to expect and don't get hurt.

And really, he'd be foolish to not suspect that you'll actually ask about his intentions - he hasn't really proven himself to you yet and unless you've said you're up for a bit of "fun" (which clearly you aren't and your reaction to his statement would have given him that indication) then it shouldn't come as too much of a shock.

Just go easy as "that" conversation has a tendency to scare some men in my opinion rolleyes.gif

#4 **Vanessa**

**Vanessa**

    Centurion

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,752 posts

Posted 20 October 2010 - 07:51 PM

Thanks ladies.

The ones it does scare off though, probably aren't worth it anyway. It still isn't going to stop them from lying to me anyway. Yes I do have major trust issues and think all men are liars are only after 1 thing.

It annoys me because I actually do like him when he is around. I just think I may be a bit out of sight, out of mind to him. Like today he texted this morning, I sent him a message this afternoon asking when am I going to see him again, and he hasn't replied, 2 hours later!
IPB Image
Abbey, doing things her way since 29-10-09
Stand up for what you believe in, even if you're standing alone

#5 scary_girl

scary_girl

    i'm really not that scary

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,897 posts

Posted 20 October 2010 - 09:03 PM

Well I think you should definitely have 'the talk' next time you see him in person then. Good luck with it Vanessa smile.gif

<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb3m.lilypie....com/j3iBp9.png" width="200" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Third Birthday tickers" /></a><a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb1m.lilypie....com/n9glp9.png" width="200" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie First Birthday tickers" /></a>

#6 RachelleB

RachelleB

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,299 posts

Posted 21 October 2010 - 07:12 AM

I think some that will scare off won't be worth it, but some will and you may very well scare off a decent guy by getting too serious too soon. I think you need to take a step back and chill a bit if you like a guy. Try be a little more mysterious, don't ask him when you will see him again, let him ask you. And don't stress if he doesn't answer you immediately, not everyone sits on their phone. Whatever you do don't text again two hours later!

I would be very wary of this one though actually as he's already said he thought you were a bit psycho (and in the nicest possible way I agree that you were a teeny bit over the top).

There is a book called 'The Rules'. It goes a bit far in the 'mysterious' direction, but it might give you a different perspective. Also 'He's Just Not That Into You' is another good read for a different perspective.

IPB Image

#7 chelley

chelley

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 9,900 posts

Posted 21 October 2010 - 02:56 PM

Each to their own Vanessa but personally I wouldn't be rushing a conversation with him. The guy told you he thought you were a psycho for heavens sake, deletes the account and the only contacts you when it suits him. Is this the kind of guy you are looking for?

I would keep him away from your daughter and I agree with RachelleB - be a little bit more mysterious and let him chase you if he wants a relationship.
IPB Image

Check out my blog at www.geeyourebrave.com

#8 LoveSweetpea

LoveSweetpea

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,960 posts

Posted 21 October 2010 - 07:17 PM

QUOTE(RachelleB @ Oct 21 2010, 07:12 AM) View Post

I think some that will scare off won't be worth it, but some will and you may very well scare off a decent guy by getting too serious too soon. I think you need to take a step back and chill a bit if you like a guy. Try be a little more mysterious, don't ask him when you will see him again, let him ask you. And don't stress if he doesn't answer you immediately, not everyone sits on their phone. Whatever you do don't text again two hours later!

I would be very wary of this one though actually as he's already said he thought you were a bit psycho (and in the nicest possible way I agree that you were a teeny bit over the top).

There is a book called 'The Rules'. It goes a bit far in the 'mysterious' direction, but it might give you a different perspective. Also 'He's Just Not That Into You' is another good read for a different perspective.


I agree with this ^^

I say just relax, and let things happen slowly for a bit. Lots of guys aren't necessarily ready to jump into a full on relationship. You only had the 3 dates (drinks, dinner at his house, then dinner at yours) before you were texting "nasty". That's the only word to describe it sorry, I don't really mean you're a nasty person if that makes sense. Just as in, you sent him a casual "that was fun text" he replied in the same vein and then you sent back a pretty heavy text because he didn't say he'd see you when he got back.

I hope I haven't offended you, I don't think any of that has come out quite how I meant it to?
<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb4f.lilypie....om/enoFp10.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers" /></a>


<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb2f.lilypie....om/oZtjp10.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Second Birthday tickers" /></a>


<a href="http://lilyslim.com/"><img src="http://swlf.lilyslim...om/xKlXp10.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="LilySlim Weight loss tickers" /></a>

#9 Kookies

Kookies

    i-do Addict

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,440 posts

Posted 21 October 2010 - 09:04 PM

QUOTE(chelley @ Oct 21 2010, 03:56 PM) View Post

Each to their own Vanessa but personally I wouldn't be rushing a conversation with him. The guy told you he thought you were a psycho for heavens sake, deletes the account and the only contacts you when it suits him. Is this the kind of guy you are looking for?

I would keep him away from your daughter and I agree with RachelleB - be a little bit more mysterious and let him chase you if he wants a relationship.


I agree with Chelley on this one. From the way he's behaved so far I am not sure he sounds like the nicest guy in the world. If you really do want to keep seeing him then I'd probably try and keep it as light as possible until you have a bit more of an idea of whether he's a goodie or a badie. I definitely wouldn't have him anywhere near your daughter until you suss him out more (only see him when you can get someone to take care of her and don't have him in your house etc).

In terms of having a conversation with him, I am not sure I'd bother at this stage. After all, even if he says he's after something serious it's only just words and until you know him better you have no sense of how




#10 drom

drom

    i-do Addict

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,361 posts

Posted 22 October 2010 - 07:58 PM

QUOTE(LoveSweetpea @ Oct 21 2010, 08:17 PM) View Post

I say just relax, and let things happen slowly for a bit....


I agree with the above.

It is still early days for both of you. You've only known him for a month. I think that is way too soon to have a conversation like that. Especially when he appears to be running a bit hot and cold. Plus, to be honest, I'd be a bit wary of his behaviour up to date.

Just relax and try to enjoy each others company and *see* what happens. Rather than try to force it with a conversation that he may or may not be ready or willing to have.

Good luck with it, have fun getting to know him a bit better and let us know how it progresses. smile.gif



#11 nephthys

nephthys

    Nothing worth having is easy.

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 10,374 posts

Posted 23 October 2010 - 07:10 AM

QUOTE(chelley @ Oct 21 2010, 03:56 PM) View Post

Each to their own Vanessa but personally I wouldn't be rushing a conversation with him. The guy told you he thought you were a psycho for heavens sake, deletes the account and the only contacts you when it suits him. Is this the kind of guy you are looking for?

I would keep him away from your daughter and I agree with RachelleB - be a little bit more mysterious and let him chase you if he wants a relationship.

This was my thoughts too. I've been in your shoes more times than I can count and that two hours feels like two weeks. It's so damn hard to be patient and in that rush you can make some decisions that aren't thought out.

I dated someone like this guy for four months. He treated me just the way this guy is treating you and looking back I can now see it's not dissimilar to mild emotional abuse - gentle and kind when we were together but dismissive and controlling with his communication when he wasn't with me. This guy also had at least one other woman on the go, I found out later, and was cracking onto others too. He's now married to my cousin. It took a long time to get over the anger I felt towards him.

The most important thing to remember is to keep your power. If he wants YOU, then he'll have to work for you. You're special, precious and deserve to be treated properly.
{Insert witty line/ticker/photo here}

#12 **Vanessa**

**Vanessa**

    Centurion

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,752 posts

Posted 23 October 2010 - 10:29 AM

Thanks everyone.

I am still not really sure, he has been really good this week. I did not hear from him one night and the next day he sent me a massive message saying he went on a bender with a few of his friends and he is not ignoring me.

Now, perfectly reasonable, to someone that has never been cheated on. That is the thing I tend to tar them all with the same brush now, so yes I did flip out at him, when really it was a build up of emotions from a past "relationship"

Oh and he is always the one that suggests when we see each other. I should be seeing him over the weekend so will see what happens, I am not inviting him to Abbey's party next week, as she does not need some possibly random guy there. I don't want to be one of those mums who have a different guy at every birthday party.
IPB Image
Abbey, doing things her way since 29-10-09
Stand up for what you believe in, even if you're standing alone




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users