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Okay so it is officially over...


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#31 Decembergirl

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Posted 01 September 2010 - 09:58 PM

Alicia I'm so sorry. You did nothing to make your family fail, I want you to believe that. He did. He chose to be a boy, sometimes pretended to be a man and has reverted back to the immature boy act. He is the one that made this fail, not you. You've done everything you could to make it work, but if he's not willing to compromise, you could bend until you break and it wouldn't make an ounce of difference.

You will come through this a much stronger woman, and your girls will see their Mumma for who she is, a beautiful, intelligent, caring woman. Then they'll look at their father and see everything he isn't.

Hugs to you and Zoe.
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#32 Calzo

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Posted 01 September 2010 - 10:03 PM

Oh Alicia I don't know what to say. Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts. Hugs to you, Zoe and bub xx
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#33 scary_girl

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Posted 01 September 2010 - 10:14 PM

Thanks again everyone - your kind words are really what I need right now. It really does mean a lot to me.

I will call Legal Aid very soon to see what I can do now that it is officially over.

I also called ex today about the dropping off/picking up Zoe - and told him that since I don't have a car and mum doesn't want me using her car to do those trips that I just can't do. His response was 'that is f$%ken s#$t'. So that didn't go down too well.

He told me he deleted me from Facebook because he doesn't want me judging him all the time from his status updates and such.

And when I said that the fact he is thinking about other women already really hurt me he said that it is over between us now and he just wants to stop thinking about me. Then went on to say that he is really angry with the situation.

So I am still feeling pretty crappy sad.gif - I know it will take a while for the dust to settle, but in the meantime I hate knowing how angry he is with me. Makes me feel like a bad person.

Argh I hate this sad.gif


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#34 stars87

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Posted 01 September 2010 - 10:39 PM

Oh my goodness, I am so freaking upset and angry for you, I can't believe the things that have come out of his mouth.

You have not caused this marriage to fail, he has through his complete disregard for what it is to be in a partnership and to be a father. His demands on you are ridiculous especially considering that you are pregnant - who on earth treats someone like that!!! What was his excuse for not picking Zoe up? I cannot believe how horribly he is treating you and how freaking immature he is acting. Becoming a father means understanding that your needs and wants are not necessarily number one anymore and he clearly doesn't understand that or want to be that to your two girls sad.gif I can't believe he won't do simple things that Zoe likes to do because they don't interest him.

I am so sorry Alicia, I know that this must be so hard for you and I am really feeling for you, but his response to all this shows that you have made the absolute best decision for your girls and yourself.

I think the advice with keeping all interactions about the kids is sensible, as is seeking legal aid.

Please let me know if you need anything at all ok? Thinking of you guys xxx


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#35 {Manda}

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 04:37 AM

I am really angry for you. If I lived nearer to you, I would go and sort this shit of a person out for you.

How on earth does he think it makes ANY kind of sense for YOU to be doing the drop off and pick up! You don't have a car! You have a baby and another on the way, and he's taken the car! Yet you are supposed to cope with things like grocery shopping and Dr's visits, and then on top of all that a 2 hr trip for HIM to see HIS child.

This guy is a twat, he is an emotionally abusive person. Only deal with him with stuff relating to the children. If he goes on about dating, say "I don't want to hear this, I'm phoning about Zoe" and then just change the subject. If he gets abusive at all - hang up on him.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, you've done nothing wrong but try to raise a happy & healthy family.

#36 Cole29*

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 08:10 AM

Alicia, I just wanted to say that you have NOT done anything wrong, you are NOT expecting too much from him, and you have NOT caused this family to fail - HE DID THAT ALL ON HIS OWN!!!!

If you had stayed with him and accepted his unbelievably selfish ways, the drinking, the lack of interaction with Zoe - which would no doubt be the same with the new bub - his reckless spending etc etc, imagine the poor example that would set for the girls. He clearly does not know how to function as a useful member of the family and therefore he does not deserve the family.

My dad drank a lot and didn't care about his family, my mum and he divorced when I was 1 and he never bothered to stay in contact with me and my brother. Yes, it is sad in one respect, but we had a wonderful childhood just with my mum and I know she chose to leave him because it was the best thing for her children. I guess what I am saying is that when your girls are older and they can see what their dad is like and can understand the situation, they will know that you did what was best for the 3 of you.

He is a poor excuse for a father if he can put drinking, spending etc before his daughters without thinking twice. Sounds to me like he has a lot of growing up to do.

Oh and too god damn bad if he thinks it is "f#@$ing s#@t" that you can't drop Zoe off - suck it up asshole, if you want to see your daughter then make some bloody effort.
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#37 MissNic

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 09:09 AM

I couldn't read this and not post. I was almost in tears at how angry I am. Don't let him make you feel guilty, you have done NOTHING wrong. It sounds like he is trying to put some blame on you probably to make himself feel better.

Like the others have said, you are better off without him. He needs to do a lot of growing up and that probably is going to start with him finding out that he can't just walk away from his family without some responsibilities, even if initially it is only financial.

Big hugs for you and Zoe.
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#38 minimee2B

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 09:20 AM

big hugs lovely - so sad that he has made you feel this way- when you have done nothing wrong.
Look after yourself, bubba and Zoe

have you got lots of family/friend support around you?
x

#39 scary_girl

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 01:37 PM

Thanks girls smile.gif

I think that I am starting to realise that I have done the right thing, and if I only have to talk to him about the girls then it shouldn't be too difficult emotionally. I spoke with him again today as I need to transfer my mobile number out of his account and he wasn't nearly as angry sounding. So hopefully a bit of time will calm us both down so that we can be pleasant around Zoe.

Thankfully my mum has been my rock through all of this. I live next door to her now so I am basically over with her every night having a huge vent to her about the situation. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have her.

Thanks again for your kind words everyone - makes me feel so much better smile.gif


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#40 ♥ Emsie ♥

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 01:50 PM

Honey just wanted to quickly mention you don't need to call legal aid, they won't actually be much help anyway.

You can find a lawyer that does legal aid (like mine do) and then you just apply for the legal aid through them. Sort of like, legal aid doesn't provide a lawyer, but they provide funding.

Let me know if you want my lawyers name and number, they are in the city smile.gif
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#41 Porthos

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 01:50 PM

I am so glad your mum is right there for you, she is giving you the support you need, God bless her.

Have you thought about doing some counseling for yourself? Just to talk this all out in front of a stranger might make it clearer for you and provide some closure or another way to vent?

I'm glad M was less angry on the phone but, geez, what does he have to be angry about at the moment? He's the one being a prick.

Hugs xxx


#42 scary_girl

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 01:54 PM

Em - would you mind PMing me your lawyer's details? Cheers.

Carla - I will have to think about counselling. You're right it might be good for me to talk to a stranger about this all.

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#43 KellM

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 05:07 PM

QUOTE(scary_girl @ Sep 1 2010, 02:08 PM) View Post

I just hope bubs is going okay in there with the amount of crappy sleep, nightmares, crying and generally feeling like crap that I have been doing.



Believe me bub will be fine. When DH left me 4 weeks before A was born that was all I could think about, I was so scared that me stressing and continually crying was going to hurt her. I even asked the doctors whether it would cause her harm and I was assured it wouldn't. Now that A is here she is fine. She is the most beautiful, content little baby (having said that she will probably have a spit tonight lol) and having her made it all worthwhile.

Please hang in there. Hugs.
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#44 * MsSassy *

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 06:56 PM

Alicia - I have only just read this. From experience I wish I could say that its get better, but in my circumstance it is more of a rollercoaster ride. Depending on the day depends on what response I get from ex. It took ex-DH threes weeks to start a new relationship with someone else since we split. Could have been earlier for all I knew to be honest.

We have a good days with the kids but mostly not. Recently most of the correspondence happens between me and his gf in regards to the kids. Shows me how much of a good decision I ended up making.

I'm still so sorry to hear that Matt wont budge on the being a dad issue. He is losing out on so much.

Your girls will grow up in a loving environment with just you parenting them and they will be healthy loving individuals because of it. Them seeing your strength in this situation is only going to show them just how strength they will be capable of.

As for the you taking the kids to him and taking them home. So so so wrong but admittingly ex would have it this way too.

You know this fathers day I asked if he wanted the kids for the day. I told him 3-4 weeks ago to allow him notice. He said he would get back to me. His response was that he will call in on that morning and quickly see them. So much for someone who claims he wants his kids. That sure doesn't show it to me. Some men are drop kicks Alicia. Unfortunalely we have to be the ones to give them the boot.



#45 *Simone*

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 09:00 PM

Geez I am so angry on your behalf!

I would get Legal Aid asap just in case he goes himself. Legal Aid can only assist one party with a case, so make sure you get in first. Don’t worry about it being complicated, that’s what family law solicitors do everyday. Just be honest, and if you don’t like the first solicitor you see try another one just to get a 2nd/ 3rd opinion.

Don’t allow him to make you feel bad about not doing the pick up/ drop off. He is the one who can’t handle being a parent for God’s sake. I would be reminding him of that. Actually I would’ve told him the truth, because he deserves to hear it: “My mother is so disgusted that you are thinking of other women while her daughter is still pregnant with your child AND that I am heavily pregnant and shouldn’t be driving for 2 hours alone that she won’t allow me to use her car.”

Hmph. Well, maybe if there wasn’t so much to be judgmental about he wouldn’t worry about you seeing his FB updates.

OMFG- he is angry about the situation? What because you can’t turn a blind eye to his numerous issues or the fact he is thinking about other women while you are pregnant with his daughter. The fact he thinks he has a right to be angry shows that you have definitely made the right decision.

Glad to hear you have got child support sorted. Don’t under any circumstances let him get out of it. Make him pay what he legally has to, every time.

I’m sure bubs will be fine, just try to stay calm and if he is really upsetting you don’t take his calls, and just communicate via text, it’s easier that way to stay unemotional and control the conversation. Just think about how much stress would be in your daughters’ lives later on if things stayed the way they were, with his alcohol problems, lack of emotional investment, and financial stress on the family. It sounds like they’ll be much better off without that in their day to day life.

Lastly, you are definitely NOT expecting too much! Asking your HUSBAND and FATHER of your children to a) stop drinking excessively regularly b stop spending money indiscriminately c)spend quality time with your own children is a reasonable expectation of any spouse. He is trying to make you feel that way so that the guilt is taken from him, and he doesn’t have to deal with consequences of his own actions. Secondly, he might even be trying to force you to take him back without him cleaning up his act, and if you don’t, making himself look like the victim. Don’t let him.

I agree with ClaireBear in that YOU will never have to look back and think you’ve done the wrong thing, because you haven’t. You’ve stood up for yourself and your girls, you should be proud that you have the courage to do so.

Big (((HUGS))) again.




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