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Feeling Guilty


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#1 Myst

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Posted 30 April 2010 - 11:47 AM

Hi Girls,

I have not posted in the pregnancy section before but I am needing a little support and hoping that I can find some of you wonderful ladies who may understand how I am feeling at the moment.

I am 29 and my DH is 36, I am 18 weeks and 4 days pregnant with my first baby/pregnancy. We had a lot of problems getting pregnant due to DH's poor morphology and also my sub septate uterus but were very lucky to fall pregnant in Jan after IVF with ICSI and we are very excited!

I have had quite a complicated pregnancy up to this point. I bled for the first 10 weeks and my pregesterone dropped alarmingly so I was put back on hormones until I reached 10 weeks and from 6 weeks to 15 weeks I had sever MS which saw me loose close to 10kg and end up in hospital on more than one occasion as well as having to take 5 weeks off work. None of the MS drugs seemed to work until at 15 weeks I was put on B6 with an insomnia drug called Restavit which has significantly helped the MS. I am still sick most nights but during the day I am now fine - the only down side is being a sleeping tablet i am always tired which makes it hard to get through my work day.

Through the first 15 wks of my pregnancy I was in bed most of the time and I got really depressed as I felt like there was no end to all the MS and the whole time I felt like something was going to go wrong. Then when I started on the restavit for the first time I felt ok and started to really get excited about the baby. Unfortunately this only lasted a few weeks.

At about 17 wks I woke up and just felt terrible, my heart was pounding and I could feel it in my head, everytime I stand up for more that about 5 mins I feel dizzy and have to lay down and I am drowsy all of the time. To make matters worse I am now off work again as my office is being painted and the fumes make me violently ill. I decided to cheer myself up yesterday and decided that I would go shopping but after only 10 mins in the store to my utter embarrasment I completely blacked out in the store and ended up back at the doctors.

The annoying thing is that everything they check is fine - my BP, my BS, my urine my bloods, everything is 'normal' and they just keep saying "this is just being pregnant". I am so down at the moment as I cannot do anything. I cannot even stand in the shower or I pass out and I am sooo bored at home. Even if i try and clean or fold laundry I get really dizzy and I am so sick of laying around doing nothing.

I know that I should be grateful and i am, I really cannot wait for my baby to be born but I feel so guilty because I just hate being pregnant. I read books and forums that say that your second trimester is such a wonderful time when you feel great and have lots of energy and I just feel depressed! My main concern is that this is going to get worse, I am not even showing yet and I have to sit down for twenty mins every time I come down our stairs at home, what am I going to be like when I am heavily pregnant??

Really I am just hoping that some of you ladies can relate to how I am feeling and if any of you have any advice for ways I can pass the time I would be most grateful. I am just so sick of hearing how wonderful being pregnant is and how it is the best time of your life. If I meet one more mummy to be that tells me they have never felt better I think I will die (no offense if you feel great - I am just feeling very alone in my misery at the moment).

Anyway - thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope that all you mummies are in better shape than I am smile.gif
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#2 SmittenKitten

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Posted 30 April 2010 - 12:16 PM

I am so sorry you are feeling like this sad.gif Sending you lots of big hugs.

I definatly can relate on some level. I was vey sick, still am and am 23 weeks. Luckily Zofran does the trick for me and generally only feel nauseated at night. But its the anxiety that takes me over. Like you I just feel really depressed sometimes and just want to stay in bed all day, because if I sleep I dont worry. If I am awake I worry......about anything.........I too am home all day and am very bored, I could be doing stuff but to be honest I just don't have the motivation. usually if I go out I have to be home mid afternoon because I start to feel so sick.

I don't hate being pregnant I love it, I just hate the anxiety.........oh and the sickness!

have you thought about speaking to a psychologist about how you are feeling??

I am petrified that I am going to get PND after the baby is born. Something I have to take up with my psych at next appt! smile.gif

just remember you are not alone. If you need to chat PM me anything you like. wub.gif
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#3 lil chicken

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Posted 30 April 2010 - 12:26 PM

I really feel for you Myst sad.gif My story starts out similar to yours but with not preg complications and MS is bad enough for Zofran but not blacking out, your case sounds like an extremely tough horrible thing to be experiencing. I can understand how you feel to an extent (which may or maynot help you?...I'll post anyway xx)

Basically I'm not enjoying any element of my pregnancy so far, I had built up all the IVF and the three years TTC as being all the horrible stuff out of the way and I just wasn't prepared to feel that dreadful all of the time once the magic two lines had appeared. I"m also on AD's for anxiety so feeling physical symptoms similar to when I was at my worst with my anxiety isn't helping my frame of mind. I drive a return trip of around 3 (sometimes 4hours) into work 5 days a week and work long hours. I haven't felt like I'm well enough to do ANYTHING on the weekends or after work, I struggle to concentrat watching TV, I'm not phoning friends, I'm not reading books I feel dreadfully down and guilty about feeling down. I was so adamant I was going to enjoy every element of this experience I have waited so long for. To be honest, I just want the baby, I want it in my arms now. I don't want to have to struggle through the next few months the same way I have the first few. I don't want to pick out baby clothes and cots and prams, I feel too sick, I don't care what colour we have of what kind of cot or mobile or pram, I just want to hold my baby and know this is real. I would be happy not to see another doctor until I'm in the delivery room and in labour.
I hate feeling this way but I think its ok too. it's ok because of what we've been through, it's not a 'normal' lead up to a pregnancy so it's 'normal' to feel completely out of kilter now.
I also know what I'm like usually when I've got a cold or a flu, I shut out any other stimulants and just rest and do the bare minimum...it doesn't feel like living but it gets you through. Thats what we're doing now, not living just getting by, getting through it the best way we can.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so ill, while I don't really know how that feels I do know a little bit so just know you are not alone xx



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#4 scasey77

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Posted 30 April 2010 - 12:41 PM

I can relate on some level. I can't say that I enjoyed the first 25 weeks of either of my pregnancies and I can only guess that your conception problems heighten the "mothers guilt".

I think the thing that you really have to try and keep in mind is that it doesn't last forever. I know that is really hard to do but you are almost halfway there - focus on that.

The second thing is to now that not everyone enjoys their pregnancy. You certainly have had a rough start to it and it is no wonder you are feeling down. Who wouldn't be. All those people that are saying it is the best time of their lives wouldn't be feeling that way if they went through what you are going through.

I would try and take this time to:

- watch as many girly and other DVD's as you can. You won't be watching many in a few months time.

- read books

- do lots of online shopping or window shopping

- puzzle books? crosswords/suduko etc

- get a mobile massage place that deals with pregnancy to come and give you a massage once a month or fortnight

I hope it starts to pass for you soon. By the way - the 2nd trimester "good pregnancy" stuff didn't kick in until about 25 weeks for me.
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#5 Em-Jay

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Posted 01 May 2010 - 08:16 PM

I can relate sort of with my first pregnancy....

Although I will preface it to say that I wasn't LTTTC or anything, and I didn't have any pregnancy complications or sickness.........

I hated my first pregnancy, I hated every second of it. Like lil chicken I just wanted it over with, and to have my baby in my arms and not have to go through the whole pregnancy anxious that everything was going to be alright. My feelings were 110% down to anxiety and depression, but I know what it feels like to not enjoy something that is supposed to be the best time of your life.

I think with the amount of sickness and stress that you have endured, feeling the way you do is a natural response to the shitty time you have been through - I think you would be hard-pressed to find a woman that wouldn't experience it to some point having dealt with what you have sad.gif Maybe talking to someone (a counsellor or the like) can help you 'compartmentalise' your feelings - ie. you hate that you are so sick and down, but you love x and y........

Huge hugs and you WILL get through this xoxoxo
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#6 Kir23

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Posted 09 May 2010 - 01:25 PM

I understand how you feel,

Please PM me and we can talk if you like.



#7 ***Jo***

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Posted 09 May 2010 - 01:43 PM

I think you should go really easy on yourself because you've had such an emotional rollercoaster. Trying to get pregnant and then having a scare, no wonder you are up and down at the moment.

I had a good pregnancy but for about a month I started dry reaching at 11am every day and had to be sent home from work. I ended up with a terrible virus and couldn't take anything for it and I was about 8 months at that point and was in tears every day.

Some women are just not suited to pregnancy physically and are not good ovens. I had a friend who spent her pregnancy in hospital attached to a drip as she couldn't keep anything down.

As hard as it is, your body and your mind are giving you some lessons you about the ups and downs of parenthood...you know, your journey starts now in pregnancy. Your health is so important and if you need to rest right now, that is what has to happen. I pray that as the pregnancy progresses for you there will be some moments of joy and of you feeling better.

Please take care of yourself and if you know within yourself that something doesn't feel 'right' go back to your doctor or seek a second opinion.

Thinking of you xxx
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