Posted 25 December 2009 - 01:39 AM
I was having an interesting chat with an old friend of mine on fb the other night. She has recently come out of a very long (10+ years) relationship with her only boyfriend ever. I have recently dumped a boyfriend for cheating on me (see "Back to the drawing board").
Anyway, we were discussing the reason why we really want to be married/in a long term r'ship... and I came to the conclusion that my main motivation is procreation! Really, I just desperately want babies, and unfortunately, it's best for kids to have an involved and loving father, plus the stability of two incomes and/or a stay-at-home parent. So my reasons for wanting a man: 1) Sperm, 2)Second income/Financial support... and Companionship comes in at 3)!!
My friend had it the opposite to me (i.e. Companionship, Money, then Children), but that's cause she doesn't really want kids.
(NOTE: I must mention however that when I'm in love I do adore the companionship. I would definitely have considered marrying Cheating Bastard at the time even if he told me he didn't want children.)
However I find it totally wrong that so many women like myself are denied the opportunity to fulfill a basic physical purpose/function/need/desire just because we don't meet someone who is willing to stick around and see it through.
I know I probably sound whiny and obsessed, but I'm sick to death of seeing women who seem to take their marriage and children for granted; like it's something that just happens to everyone.
I'm going off track here. I think I wanted to ask, am I so wrong for mainly wanting a man just to have children with? I don't mind being single that much, and I don't mind my own company (although it does sometimes hurt to observe family and friends in their loving relationships), but my clock's ticking and it's really frustrating me.
Also, what is your true motivation for wanting a partner? Is it just because you want to simply share your life with someone (idyllic, but frequently oh-so-unattainable), or are there other needs/wants at work too?
I hope I'm making sense. I have to talk about this sort of stuff on here, as I don't have the sort of girlfriends IRL that I can easily chat to about this kind of thing.
Cheers, oh, and Merry Christmas!!
Engaged 21st May 2011
Married 14th April 2012
ICSI #1 - BFN ~~ ICSI #2 - BFN ~~ ICSI #3 - very early chemical, BT BFN ~~ ICSI #4 - BFN ~~ FET #1 - CHEM PG ~~ ICSI #5 - BFP!!
My IVF/ICSI blog: http://elodiah.blogspot.com
Posted 25 December 2009 - 05:01 AM
It felt like forever when I finally got together with DH and fortunately he thought I was okay too so we were married within 18 months of starting to date (we'd been together for nearly two years in our early 20s and I'd known him all my life so to me 18 months was plenty of time). We married when I was 28 and baby came along at 31 - I wanted my first child by 25 so I was years late according to my schedule. Damn schedule.
It's horrible watching that calendar tick over with your heart and head screaming out for something which is seemingly so simple to others - I've shed many a tear over it. But if there was one consolation to waiting; it means I knew what I wanted and got it right. I'd been in so many dead-beat relationships, experienced the world, learnt the ways of man, established a good career, found out who I was and it meant that I've entered this marriage wiser than I would have at 23. The other thing I learnt was that I didn't need a man for happiness. I thought it was a pre-requisite but all the happiness I have is found within me. Men are REALLY hard work.
The hardest part is trying not to appear desperate: people can tell and it's so off putting. I REALLY wanted this so badly and every time I got together with a guy, my check list came out and they were either dispensed with quickly or the hardly contained desperate woman was clinging to his pant leg. Many a times a fool I have been made. But it's all learning and even now, I don't believe I take my marriage for granted because I still remember with such clarity what it felt like not to have it.
You seem like a lovely lady who is worthy of a good man (we all are). If you put the reins on your feelings for a while and just go with the flow, hopefully it will all come together for you. I wish you all the best in the coming year, I hope you get what your heart desires.
Posted 25 December 2009 - 05:34 AM
Except meeting my husband happened a lot later for me - 31 - almost 32. I'm now 36 and we're expecting our first child in just over two weeks. My husband is exactly what I yearned for in a partner and so very worth the wait. In terms of my age and being pregnant this has not been an issue for baby's health.
I'd had my heart broken just before I turned 23 and dated enough from that time to realise what I did and didn't want from a relationship. Had I married the man I was in love with at 23 I'm feeling certain now that it would not have lasted. I'd wanted to be married, have first child etc by 25 too - but looking back there is no way I was ready. I had a lot of growing up to do (not sure that I'm all that grown up now, despite my biological age!).
It was difficult at the time as most of my friends were settling down. I took advantage of my singledom and travelled wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I was envious of my friends, yet my friends were envious of me!
I guess what I'm saying is, make the most of now. Turn this into a positive opportunity for discovering what you want out of life, not only for what you want out of a partner.
So when the man of your dreams (or even someone completely unexpected!) comes along you've been true to yourself and not sacrificed a thing to be with him.
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