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Trial Separations


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#1 LAM

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Posted 19 November 2009 - 07:35 PM

DH has asked for a 6mth trail separation I'm scared I think 6mths is too long, I'm scared it will only make things worse not help.

What should I do?

Has anyone else tried this? For how long? Did it work to save the marriage? What rules are there?

It feels like my life is falling apart and I can't stop it.

I had everything I ever dreamed of and now it's being taken away, how do you get up from a blow like that?

Help me!

#2 ***Jo***

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Posted 19 November 2009 - 09:05 PM

I've never had a trial separation.

I think you both need to work out what is going to suit you both. If you feel you need a break to sort things out seperately it would be a good idea to have some ground rules. Like, do you still talk on the phone, or catch up each week, or date other people?

I think if you are both clear on the ground rules it will make the seperation easier and know where to go from there.

LAM, I think I remember you posting something in the pregnancy section? I hope you are ok. You need support around you with a new pregnancy. Keep the lines of communicatio open x
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#3 ~*JAC*~

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Posted 20 November 2009 - 12:53 PM

Sorry if my post sounds harsh, but this is my opinion.

I think a trail separation is just a cheats way of breaking up, or an excuse because one person in the relationship has feelings for someone else and wants to explore them without the guilt of cheating.

I think that you either want to be with someone or you don't, I really can't see how spending time apart is meant to make you re-connect again. I am recently separated and I know that as soon as I moved out it was so over and I realised that I don't want to be in that relationship anymore. I think that if your husband does this there is a big chance that he will feel the same.

I don't know your situation or the background, but I wouldn't be comfortable with it if my husband suggested it to me, whatever the ground rules of the separation are.
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#4 AK2

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Posted 20 November 2009 - 01:16 PM

My mother & father in law are doing a 'trial seperation' for 12 months. They've said that it's a final thing, but in both of their hearts I know that they will assess it after 12 months.

That being said, 6 months is a very long time- you'll need to make all kinds of different arrangements by that point, and will almost be living different lives.

I don't know what to say, I really hope that you have some strong support networks around you right now.

Thinking of you

#5 * MsSassy *

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Posted 20 November 2009 - 03:41 PM

QUOTE(Snerlette @ Nov 20 2009, 01:53 PM) View Post

I think a trail separation is just a cheats way of breaking up.


I agree with the statement above. I think it is just a way for the person to really work out if they want to be with the other person. Well from my experience this is how I felt. It wasn't to explore a relationship with someone else, but to really get an idea of what it would be like to be on my own. It lasted 1 week until I completely made the break.

It is very hard to make the break with someone you care about and do not want to hurt. For me, asking for a separation was more of an "easy" let down. But in the end it made no difference.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but this is what it was like for me in my experience.

#6 RubyTuesday

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Posted 20 November 2009 - 04:17 PM

QUOTE(MrsSassy @ Nov 20 2009, 04:41 PM) View Post

I agree with the statement above. I think it is just a way for the person to really work out if they want to be with the other person. Well from my experience this is how I felt. It wasn't to explore a relationship with someone else, but to really get an idea of what it would be like to be on my own. It lasted 1 week until I completely made the break.

It is very hard to make the break with someone you care about and do not want to hurt. For me, asking for a separation was more of an "easy" let down. But in the end it made no difference.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but this is what it was like for me in my experience.


I agree... I asked for a trial separation with my ex husband, but knew in my heart that there was no turning back.

It was easier to ask for this as him being a man of the law I thought it could get messy trying to make the clean break, whereas saying it was a 'trial' seemed to soften the blow.

Cowardly/cheatingly I know, but I was a bit scared at the time...

IMO a trial is too difficult to monitor/follow rules anyhow!! You either break up properly or you dont!! There is no half hearted, sometimes in a relationship way about it.

Why should the person on the receiving end have to wait around and discover the inevitable anyway?? It is just cruel, hanging out & hoping!!
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#7 nephthys

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Posted 20 November 2009 - 06:48 PM

Yes, a trial separation is a cop out, I'm sorry LAM. The worst part is the person being 'left' is in limbo and it needs to be a clean break. He needs to have the backbone to tell you what he's feeling and act on it and the sooner he does this, the sooner you can get your life sorted and the healing begun.

Now listen here, young lady. smile.gif You are a strong, capable, intelligent woman and you will be great. I have no doubt about this. How do you recover from a blow like this? You just do - because you have to and you're not going to let him call the shots and treat you like this. Don't let him take your power; remember you're a mother-to-be and you have the two of you to fight for. Dreams change, you can't plan life perfectly, all you can do is fight for the things you can fight for and the rest is out of your hands. You can't control his feelings, you can only control your situation. So have a good cry, eat a massive iced chocolate, then wipe your tears and start making plans so you're not left in the lurch.

I'm sorry if this is a bit strong, but you've got some big changes coming and you need to be brave. I'm on PM any time you want to chat. xx
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#8 Candy

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Posted 22 November 2009 - 06:03 AM

sad.gif I so feel for you.

IMO I don't believe in trial separations. Time apart but a 6 month trial separation? I don't agree.

If you're married, your either in or out in my books. You either make the decision to commit and work through things or you part. I know life isn't black and white but a trial separation of 6 months to me is like saying I want out but I'm scared I won't cope so I'll keep a safety net in case I change my mind.

I'm sorry if this sounds hurtful, but you deserve a little more commitment than what you are getting!

Of course I'm sure there are people who have done this and it may have made them realise what they have got and eventually improved their relationship.

I'm sorry that you are hurting but you get to make a decision in this too! I know it may feel like your life is falling apart and you can't do anything but you can. You decide what you want in your life and what you are willing to accept. Don't accept less than what you deserve!

x

#9 Primm

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Posted 22 November 2009 - 08:38 AM

I know 3 couples who've tried a trial separation. 2 of them got back together after the end of the trial period.

BUT within a year, both of those couples had split up for good, both times because someone had continued a relationship they'd started while the trial separation was on.

I personally don't like the idea. It just leaves you hanging in limbo. I'm with Jac, all I wanted when my husband and I split up was to move on and get things over with. Not to wait for 6-12 months to see if he'd changed his mind.

Good luck.




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