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#1 LAM

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Posted 18 November 2009 - 08:41 PM

It is a very real possibilty that I may end up leaving my DH (his choice) and I have no idea what to do about the baby, I have even considered abortion.

DH doesn't want it maybe all the other pregnancies have gotten to him I'm not really sure, he said MAYBE one day he'll be ready again just not now, so I get rid of it and hope that our relationship survives and he is one day ready again?

If our relationship doesn't survive how am I meant to be a single mum? How am I meant to look after us both and pay the rent etc when I'm on maternity leave? How do you raise a baby in a broken family? I'm not sure I can. I thought I would only have a baby if I could provide it a loving family where it is well looked after. Now the only prospect maybe a broken family and living with barely enough to survive, that's not fair.

So what do I do?

What if this is my only chance to have a baby? (I've had considerable problems in the past).
How do you make that decision? I want a family but not like this, but I can't bring myself to end it either.

#2 **Vanessa**

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Posted 18 November 2009 - 08:54 PM

Hey LAM,

Sorry you are having to go through this.

You can survive as a single mum. You get benefits from Centrelink and the family assistance office. You will also get child support. Trust me, I am going through it at the moment, and it is amazing how resourceful you can be. I spent most of my pregnancy on $500 a fortnight and it made me realise just how little I really need.

I struggled with what I was going to do, I always wanted children, although not in the way I conceived (one night stand if you are not familiar with my soap opera life). In the end I realised that a baby is a baby is a baby, regardless of how they got there.

I am not going to try and preach one way or another to you, but think about how you would cope if you were to terminate and struggled to conceive when the time was right?

You can provide everything your baby needs. I have a perfectly happy, contented, healthy baby that wants for nothing. It is extremely rewarding looking at Abbey knowing that I have created, nurtured, loved and taught her everything.

I personally would never choose a relationship over a baby.

Hope that helps and if you want to ask me anything please feel free to.

Hugs xoxo
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#3 aChocLover

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Posted 18 November 2009 - 09:11 PM


(((Hugs))) LAM

I hope you see clearer over the coming days and make the best decision right for you, whatever that decision may be.

#4 atua

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Posted 18 November 2009 - 09:21 PM

i cannot offer practical advice - but can offer my ears for listening as you need them.

#5 LAM

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Posted 19 November 2009 - 07:46 AM

Thanks,

I'm also worried who would want me with a baby? And even if I did and had more babies with them I don't want this one to be treated different because it's not theirs.

I feel horrible because a part of me wants the decision made for me, I know loss. If it left itself thats one thing but i don't know if I can be responsible.

I don't know what to do.

#6 August22

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Posted 19 November 2009 - 08:26 AM

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

I want to tell you that you can survive it, you can do anything you want. I had a baby by myself at 21 and I am not going to lie, there were times when it was hard, but it was also the best thing I ever did. I was never with the baby's father so in that respect it was probably easier as I didn't have the emotions involved.

Now I have a (mostly) wonderful 10 year old kid. He is gounded, well adjusted and, though he totally drives me crazy sometimes (good crazy) I wouldn't have wanted to do it any other way. I am now married to a loving partner who treats my son wonderfully, he is not his parent and does not act like his parent. It's not always easy but it works and our little family is very happy.

My son's father is in the picture - albeit infrequently - and I have had to sacrifice to ensure our relationship stays on track but really it is so worth it. We can talk and have a laugh together so it is all very nice and easy.

I think you need to decide whether you can do this alone and once you have made that decision what your DH ultimately decides to do is then up to him.

I hope everything works out the way you want it to, you can do it and you are stronger then you think you are.

Best of luck.
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#7 Lollies

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Posted 19 November 2009 - 09:36 AM

I was 17 when I fell pregnant to a deadbeat, so after a 9 month marriage I went it alone, I have never regretted a thing. I was never the type of girl who wanted children so doing it alone was not part of the big plan, but when she was born all my fears disappeared.

We live in a wonderful country where being a single Mum doesn't mean you have to live in poverty. Sure, you wont have a lot of money, you can live quite comfortably.

I ended up being single mum with just my daughter and I until she was 11 years old, I can tell you without any doubt that we were a family, just the 2 of us and a very happy content little family at that. I sent her to a private school and although she wasn't spoilt with material possessions, I don't believe that she ever missed out on anything a Mum/Dad family had. I didn't have a high paying job and only worked part time, but we made ends meet.

My 15 year old daughter is now the most confident, outgoing, polite, conscientious, compasionate, happy girl I could wish for.

Now, I am remarried and my husband adores her, she has been a total bonus to our marriage, he could never imagine life with out her, so we are once again a different type of family, but no less loving and happy than the so-called 'perfect family'. We've also added another little one to our family and I know my husband adores both of them.

Just because you start off as a single Mum, doesn't mean it will stay that way.

I know things may seem really tough, but I don't think you will ever regret having a baby.

Good luck with whatever you decide.
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#8 Jaycee

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Posted 19 November 2009 - 06:53 PM

((((HUGS)))) LAM

It is a very hard time you are going through and a hard decision that only you can make sleep.gif

I guess the question is, do you want to be a mother?
Not a single mother, not a partnered mother, just a mother.
If you want to be a mum all you need is a child.

You stated that you have had problems in the past.
In ten years time which would you regret more:
1) Not giving this baby a try?
or
2) Not being able to give your child everything they want whilst still meeting their needs?

Being a single mum is hard work but it is ever so rewarding. You can be tight on money but once the maternity leave is over centerlink and the family assistance office have payments to get you back on your feet. It's surprising how little you actually need when your priorities change from you focused to baby focused... suddenly the fancy haircuts and swanky meeting places aren't so important.

My daughter's father and i split before we even knew she was on her way. He's still around intermittently but she can never remember a time where we were all together so the split life is her norm. She is now seven and a wonderfully adjusted intelligent little lady wub.gif

QUOTE(LAM @ Nov 19 2009, 08:46 AM) View Post

I'm also worried who would want me with a baby? And even if I did and had more babies with them I don't want this one to be treated different because it's not theirs.

I feel horrible because a part of me wants the decision made for me, I know loss. If it left itself thats one thing but i don't know if I can be responsible.

I don't know what to do.


All you need to worry about now is taking care of you.
What happens in the future only time can tell.

For me, i was a single mum for four years. My whole life was me and my daughter. I managed to stay home with my baby until she was old enough for childcare and then utilised the return to work payments to go to uni to retrain into a more child friendly profession. Her childcare was subsidised due to my work/study so i only had to pay $1 a day for her care. I was happy being me, although it took quite a while to get to that stage, and it worked out well.
I met a wonderful man who is now my husband who treats my daughter as his own wub.gif She can't remember not having him around and loves him to pieces too. She chose a special title for him (so he wasn't stepdad or another 'daddy') and they have their own special relationship. My daughter had my surname from birth and when i married my husband took my name so that we are all the same, right down to our baby due in april 2010. We have no 'steps' in our family and hubby is her pop and the baby is her brother even if the mix isn't quite the same and that works for us smile.gif "Daddy" is still around but she's worked out that if she's unwell at all "Daddy" can't find time for contact but "Pop" will take the day off work and catch her cold so she doesn't have it anymore laugh.gif

QUOTE(Lollies @ Nov 19 2009, 10:36 AM) View Post

Just because you start off as a single Mum, doesn't mean it will stay that way.


Totally agree smile.gif

I won't lie. There were times when i thought i would be single until i died and the world was horrid but my little girl was always wanted, i always wanted to be a mum.

Sooo it didn't quite happen the way i thought / imagined it would but i still got to be a mum and that was the most important thing for me.

I wouldn't change it for the world wub.gif

If you ever need to chat i'm only a PM away.

Take care of yourself and do what is right for YOU no-one else.

Good luck xx

#9 Candy

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Posted 20 November 2009 - 08:05 AM

There are some pretty big questions in your post and many factors to consider. I cannot imagine how confusing this must be for you. sad.gif

I think you need to work out where you and your DH stand. Work out what you both want to do and if that means working through your marriage, making a commitment to do so.
That would be the first thing I'd do. Once that is a bit clearer maybe the rest may be?

I don't think you can focus on all these questions at once as much as you may want all the answers right now. The choice to have the baby or not lies with you and whatever decision you make, you can work through it.

Thinking of you.

#10 ***Jo***

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Posted 20 November 2009 - 08:42 AM

You know what LAM, its so unfair that your husband can take the attitude that this is now your problem and he'll let you know when HE is ready. That's total bullshit in my opinion. It takes two to make a baby and even if your relationship is going through hard times, there is another life to consider here.

If I was in your shoes, I'd have the baby. I'd see this as a rich blessing that this child has chosen you for a reason and a wonderful opportunity to grow as a human being. Yes, it will be extremely tough, but I can think of no other country which supports parents and single parents in their quest to raise their children safely and lovingly.

There will be financial assistance and one day if you decide to find another partner should your marriage come to an end, you will. Having a child is not going to make you repellent to the opposite sex. Its important you have a good support network around you in terms of family and friends so they can provide emotional and physical support to you.

Life throws us so many curveballs. We have an ideal of how life should work out, but I don't think life listens to our plans sometimes and we have to make the best of a challenging situation.

Now is the time to grow up, take some responsibility and think of what you have growing inside of you. This isn't about your husband's issues. This is about taking care of YOU and working out how to plow through this head on, and with as much positivity as you can muster.

x
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#11 *Lib**

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Posted 20 November 2009 - 08:59 AM

I sent you a guess for your announcement thread, and if I am right, I can totally understand the confusion and difficulty you guys are having. Being a single mother does not equal failure. A child is a blessing and something that I would never ever change, if I had to raise her on my own so be it, but I wouldn't change having her for anything. Best of luck to you, and know that we are all hear to listen to you should you need a shoulder.
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#12 nephthys

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Posted 20 November 2009 - 10:10 AM

QUOTE(Liberarchi @ Nov 20 2009, 09:59 AM) View Post

Being a single mother does not equal failure. A child is a blessing and something that I would never ever change, if I had to raise her on my own so be it, but I wouldn't change having her for anything. Best of luck to you, and know that we are all hear to listen to you should you need a shoulder.

I agree with Lib. You have been given a gift that, in my opinion, supersedes all others. Your husband is an adult, he needs to work it out on his own. My story might help you.

My DH didn't want kids but he married me knowing I did. He'd never properly held a baby before, let alone spent any quality time with one. So, I spent most of the pregnancy with him never mentioning 'it', he only touch my stomach when I put his hand on the bump, he'd complain about how his life was about to end, he sat in the corner of the ultrasound room sulking, if someone asked him if he was excited, he'd say "no", and except for the big baby items which we split, I paid for everything, including all the birthing costs (we went private too. It was my choice, so he wouldn't have the burden of it). It was really, really hard and his disinterest made me consider going it alone many times. I kept with the mantra that he'll be fine once he sees his child.

Wrong.

For the record, he was always lovely to me still, he just didn't want anything to do with fatherhood. In the first couple of months, if someone asked him what he thought of parenthood, he'd say (in front of me), "I can take it or leave it". This hurt. The first eight weeks sucked; he barely touched DS except when necessary and still showed little interest and rarely helped, so I handled all the change and baby care myself, regardless of the hour. DH did the bathing, only because I gave him no option and then work got busy so he started coming home late, so even that ended.

Then when DS was 8.5 weeks old, we went to NZ for a week and it was the longest DH had spent with a baby. Things started to change. He started to see just how much work was involved looking after a baby and saw that DS had a personality and although was hard work, he was rather special nonetheless. When DS was a bit over three months, I started going to TAFE at night and DH had to do the evening baby care. The first few weeks were really tough and DH struggled, but the two of them got into a routine, had some successes and it started to work. When DS hit four months, he started rolling properly, giggling and showing real character. Always a difficult child, he now became interesting and DH started saying things like "look what we made" and how he liked coming home to his little family.

DS is now seven months old and his relationship with is dad is still a work in progress. DH is still nervous about the baby care but is getting more and more confident as time goes on. DH has also started to take some of the house chores off me, which is fantastic. I think DH still feels he could 'take it or leave it' but he's not so quick to say that. He chats about DS all the time and picks him up the moment he gets home. He blows raspberries on him and they play games, they walk out to the back garden together and when we go walking, DH always insists on pushing the pram. It probably helps that when he comes home, DS gives him the hugest grins, far bigger than when he first sees me. dry.gif happy.gif

Now LAM, I don't know who you are and I don't know your husband so I can't begin to start on what difficulties you are having there. DH and I weren't having marital problems when I got pregnant so that may have helped with the transition - albeit a long one? I'm hoping however, that my story might help.

All the best.

xx

ETA - I forgot to mention that two weeks ago, for the first time, DH got up and did the 'graveyard' shift. Wouldn't you know, it didn't kill him, and now he does it once a week. Also, never once have I even indicated "I told you so", because I don't think that'd be fair and might set them back.

ETA II: Just realised I didn't support you if you did find your marriage not continuing. Don't be afraid of going it alone, I would have if DH hadn't have come around and I wouldn't have hesitated putting my son above my marriage. You are stronger than you think and that little person inside of you doesn't care who you are or what you look like, just as long as you love them. You'd be fine. smile.gif
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#13 *Lib**

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Posted 20 November 2009 - 01:28 PM

Oh Nep, so glad to hear he is coming around.
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#14 Gretch

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Posted 20 November 2009 - 01:30 PM

Sorry you are going through this LAM. I found a post from a while back from someone in a similar situation where some good advice was offered that might help you. I hope it works out for you.

#15 LAM

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Posted 03 December 2009 - 08:30 PM

It looks like the decision has been made for me.... I've started bleeding, again, that makes it 4 babies I've lost.

Why me?




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