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Anxiety, hopelessness and being absolutely petrified


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#1 KellM

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 06:33 AM

I hope I am posting in the right place. I guess I really just need to write down what I am thinking and try and get it all out before it drives me absoultely insane.

Today I am 5 weeks 2 days pregnant and panic has set in. I have knonw about being pregnant now for a week today.

We have been trying to have a baby now for over 2 1/2 years and after 3 ART cycles (IVF, FET, IVF) we finally fell pregnant.

I can't seem to be happy about it. I am stressed to the max that something is going to happen to our little bub and we will never get to meet him/her. A couple of years ago a workmate of mine had a miscarriage while sitting at her desk next to me at work. I saw it all happen. It was pretty devastating. She has since gone on to fall pregnant again and is due in February. But I just can't get that out of my head now.

I know that if I keep stressing then something will happen and then I will blame myself for it. I had a blood test this week and my levels were "rising nicely" accordingly to the nurse and I am going to ask for another next week and then hte week after is my 7 week scan.

I have had sore boobs, cramps and been a bit sick on and off. My symptoms have kind of faded and now I am freaking out.

I keep thinking that we have done so well to get this far and every day we are pregnant is a bonus - we have never been this far pregnant before and that whatever will be will be. I am trying to think of the positives - DH got a really good job in the mines when we decided to do this round of IVF, the week I was to get my period and have my first blood test of our IVF cycle we were going to be away on Fraser Island so I couldn't do it - our car blew up the week before we were supposed to go so we didn't end up going, our cycle worked out perfectly so that DH would be home for the egg pick up and transfer, my best friend is pregnant - 10 weeks in front of me, one of the other girls at work is pregnant and she will be coming back from leave just as I am about to go on mine......so there is so much in our favour right now. I just can't seem to be happy, as soon as I start beign happy I think I shouldn't just in case I get my hopes up and soemthing happens.

I guess I am just having a vent - I dont' expect a reply and I am goign to talk to the clinic next week about maybe going and seeing someone to chat.
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#2 Vik

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 06:46 AM

Ok Kaaam, I can hear the anxiety in your post. I've had a similar history to you in terms of TTC, and while I would love to be pregnant, the thought of actually being pregnant leaves me feeling absolutely petrified - for similar reasons to what you've stated.

I think when you've been TTC for many years and/or have endured many cycles of IVF (or other AC), it's natural to feel some anxiety about finally having your dream come true.

Have you thought about speaking with a professional about how you're feeling?
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#3 Renee`

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 07:02 AM

I think you aniexty is normal. You've done so much to get "here" and how scary that you witnessed how easily it can go.

I think you need to just concentrate on what is next. Next is your next BT, next is your first scan. Take it step by step for now, and try not to overwhelm yourself with "what if's" and "When this".

Also, one other tip, with a worry, let yourself stress,worry about it for X amount of time. Then put it away, in a mental black box. Let it go. Don't think about it again, after your initial period of "stress" soon - it will ease.

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#4 **** Sarah and Adam ****

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 07:17 AM

In the beginning of this pregnancy I was sitting in my kitchen in tears from my anxiety. Every toilet visit I thought that 'this would be it'. I was so so sure I was going to miscarry I almost wanted it to happen so that the waiting was no longer there. I was absolutely consumed with angst. I spoke with the fertility nurse and she said to go for a walk, get out. So I did! The next day I knew I had to get out before the anxiety hit, so again we went out. I slowly started to break that cyce of the anxiety.
I also literally focused on 1 day at a time, I didn't think about a baby, I didn't think about bringing a baby home, having 2 children, feeling the baby, getting a big tummy...none of that entered my thought because it was all decompartmentalised into days. Some days I got through half the day and then got through the next.

I cannot relate to your long TTC journey as mine was only 12 months and 2 losses within that time plus I already had a child but I can relate to those feelings in he early days and I do know that focussing on 1 day at a time makes a big difference. My sister is currently battling an eating disorder and we talked through her doing the same. 7-8 weeks until the NT scan seems like so long, but 24 hours to get to the weekend is not long at all. Bite sized pieces is all I can recommend. Sharing your feelings can also be such a big help, the forums helped me more then I can ever trully explain. Keep sharing, get it off your chest and know that your mental state WILL NOT HARM YOUR BABY. This is something my clinic emphasised to me, that me being worried will not make a miscarriage happen.

On the symptom front, mine would come and go in those early days too...some days I swear I would have none. Anxiety can do that though because your body goes into survival mode, once you manage that you will find everything will cope a bit better.

#5 Renee`

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 07:27 AM

I was hoping that you would come in here Heather!
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#6 **** Sarah and Adam ****

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 07:38 AM

QUOTE(Renee` @ Nov 13 2009, 08:27 AM) View Post

I was hoping that you would come in here Heather!

KAAM Renee is a fellow March mummy with me and saw day in and out how the anxiety got to me, that is one of the reasons the forum was so good for me. Renee was one of them who would be very straight wih me, more or less telling me to snap out of it, that all I had to go off was that things were going really well. It was given in a supportive loving way though that it would snap that anxiety out of me.

Its about breaking that cycle when you start thinking that way, sometimes the forum would do that, other times I got on the phone to a GF etc. It was tricky because it was so bloody old and with a toddler I couldn't get out much but talking REALLY helped. Even if sometimes I said to people 'I need to talk about something else'.


#7 Two Little Lines

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 08:05 AM

Oh Kaaam,

I think the other wonderful ladies in here have offered you some great advice. Please know you are not alone. I didn't have anywhere near as long or difficult a journey as you yet I too have had these terrible feelings of anxiousness and fear.

Please be kind to yourself and as the other ladies have suggested, take things one small step at a time. Also know that anytime you need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, there will be lovely ladies here to support you and help you through wub.gif

Take care of yourself.


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#8 Nicole_R

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 08:15 AM

I can't offer any advice, as Heather seems to be the best at that, but I just want to let you know I'm thinking of you.


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#9 ~Bella~

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 08:18 AM

I don't have any advice or totally understand what you are going through but i just wanted to add my support xoxoxoxo
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#10 BFP2009

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 10:30 AM

I'm in a similar position right now KAAAM. While we conceived naturally, I'm still freaking out right now. We m/c last year at 5w 3d and I'm now 4w 3d and I've started spotting. I'm making myself sick with worry and I'm afraid I'm going to burst into tears at any time, which I really don't want to do here at work.

I've been trying to do what Heather suggested and just take it one day at a time. Our aim is to make it to 6 weeks safely, then Christmas, etc.

Also, I have very few symptoms right now too. My boobs are sore on and off, though not very sore, I've had mild cramping and no morning sickness.

#11 lil chicken

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 10:44 AM

KAAM I can only imagine how this would feel, I have definitely thought about it and with my history of anxiety I am already worried about this. My psych said when I do fall she will be there the whole way, have you considered asking the IVF clinic for a referrall? sounds extreme, but really it's not, sooo many people have counselling for diff issues across the board, life coaching etc, sometimes someone totally removed from the emotion can give you some great skills.

The other girls have given some great advice, taking each hour, each day.

thinking of you x

#12 Jaydee

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 11:24 AM

You sound so very worried.

I've been in a very similar situation, and had bleeding with both Levi and Mahalia. Both times I thought "I KNEW it, I knew this was just too good to be true..." I was so anxious before all of my scans that I'd be in tears, certain that something had gone wrong.

In the end I had to give myself a little talking to- I didn't want my anxiety to be affecting the baby, and if the worst did happen, I didn't want to look back on my pregnancy, only be able to remember being worried and afraid, and not be able to find any good memories of it IYKWIM?

I found keeping a diary/blog very helpful. And after I'd passed each milestone I'd set myself (the next bloods, the next scan....) I'd buy something small for the baby. I also found it helpful to think that unless I had evidence to suggest otherwise, than as far as I knew, my baby was fine.

It does get easier as your pregnancy progresses.

HTH.



#13 *Michelle*

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 11:25 AM

KAAM your anxiety is normal.
We waited many years and several IVF cycles to concieve jack.
I thought my anxiety getting pregnant was high.It is nothing to actually being pregnant.

I found the more pregnant i became the worse i got.(Sorry if that brings you down)
I worried because every single day I was falling more and more in love with this little baby.

I remember one night around 17 weeks praying that if something was going to happen to happen now as I couldnt imagine going much further and having to bury a child.

It just consumed me.Part of me was thrilled to be pregnant but i never felt 100% certain I would be become a mummy.My whole pregnancy I saw as a possibility of being a mum.

I wonder if that had alot to do with my not bonding straight away with Jack and my PND?
Please go speak to someone.Whilst it is normal I often wonder should i have spoken to councellors when my clinic offered.

I am always here if you ever need to chat
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#14 *Incognito*

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 04:35 PM

Oh KAAAM, I can see how much you're in pain from reading your post. sad.gif

I can't relate to the whole IVF part of your journey but I can understand your anxiety at the thought of losing your baby. It's a scary, scary time and it's ok to feel anxious about it. Please remember that your hormones are also going insanely nuts at the moment and that all of the anxiety and depression is emphasised to a much greater degree because of them. EVERYTHING will be emotional from now on - and that's ok. It's also ok to have a good cry about your feelings. I know it helped me to just release the tension.

Please don't feel guilty about being stressed either. I felt the same way, when I started spotting during weeks 4 and 5 and then when things took a turn for the worse I felt like I'd brought it on myself and felt so guilty for doing that to my baby. It is so normal to feel this way, it's just mother guilt starting early. dry.gif

It really helped me to talk my way through things here on the forum this past week, so please continue to come here and vent every little thought that goes through your pretty little head if you need to.

We're all here for you and you're in my thoughts.

xx

#15 greenwich

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 06:25 PM

I too have had similar concerns to you. but for different reasons.

Jaydee's advice sounds really good. And I second the advice of talking to a professional.

I hope this gets easier for you. For me, scans, hearing the heartbeat, knowing the milestones, and talking to DH helped. Everyone copes differently.

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