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#16 lena

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 04:31 PM

Oh Sam, its not fair sometimes. Thinking of you!!

#17 atua

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Posted 04 November 2009 - 04:49 PM

thank you so much for the support smile.gif

i had a call today from my local PIMHS team - i go for my 'assessment' next thursday (earliest i could go that would work with babysitting - not really appropriate to have children present IMO) to work out the level of depression/anxiety i currently suffer from, then go from there in terms of what treatment i want to happen - they also have a dr on staff so if i feel there is a need for AD's at any point they can be prescribed for me through the hosptial staff.

i had a check up with my GP today - we talked about everything and it's great he listens so well - he's quite happy with me making contact with counsellors on my own and trusts that i know when things are not right without him having to bring out any formal testing - the fact that i recognised and made contact prior to seeing him showed him i had the initiative to not sit and dwell on it so to speak.

feeling so much better now that i have an action plan in place smile.gif adrian has been fantastic through it all as well and i'm lucky that i have friends i can talk the leg off of (i think by now they are used to my slightly mentally challenged moments - important to note they are my words to describe myself) and they just sit and listen without judgement (but i don't feel like they're just going through the motions either iykwim).
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#18 MrsHilly

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Posted 04 November 2009 - 06:48 PM

Glad to see that you are feeling a bit better with that plan and Adrian is a great support for you.

Still thinking of you

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#19 Jaydee

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Posted 04 November 2009 - 07:19 PM

Glad to hear that you're feeling better about things and that you've got great support around you. x x

#20 tastebud

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Posted 04 November 2009 - 07:28 PM

Sad to read this but glad you are onto it Sam. I remember you having HG with Molly I hope this hasn't revisited too sad.gif


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#21 atua

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Posted 12 November 2009 - 09:59 AM

i'm only marginally crazy laugh.gif

ok so i joke about this, i joke a lot but it's a very serious subject - my joking is a way of making it easier for others to understand without getting too deep and heavy.

had my assessment today - basically all Q&A background stuff, i don't know though if i should be concerned that she didn't actually score my edinburgh and K10 in front of me but i already knew the scores anyway and after all the time she has spent in the profession she would know on sight.

anyway - go through my life to this point, adrian's life to this point (bearing in mind this is MY counselling not joint counselling - it's for background relationship wise as our past comes with us and everything we see effects our present and future relationships), how i interact with the kids/others/diet/sleep/mood/etc.

conclusion of 90mins - i'm on weekly visits (permanent ones so MIL can watch the girls or i can change if need be to an AM so adrian can be home with them) for now - it will involve a variety of counselling techniques, she asked if i believe i need meds at this stage - i said i didn't, at this stage, but am open to them if the need arises - they have a clinical psych on staff that only deals with pregnancy related depression (which in itself makes me sad to think that there are that many women out here suffering that there is a dedicated person to that ONE area of expertise) so is constantly up to date in terms of what types of meds are safe/unsafe and dosage levels - plus at this point of pregnancy i have passed most of the 'risk' areas to baby as they're close to fully developed now and the risk comes more from uncontrolled cortisol levels in my body - and if we reach the point of counselling alone not helping i'll talk to the psych and go from there.

we're starting on weekly for now - but if any stage i feel i need to see someone i just need to call and she'll see me (they keep caseloads small for this reason), or if we find that things are improving we can trial fortnightly etc - all about finding the balance.

ummm what else - she was extremely impressed that is was ME that called the clinic - not a third party (GP/OB/Midwife) - she said that coupled with the discussion we had showed that i knew my own mind and body, the fact that i can recognise logically the girls behaviour is completely age appropriate but the chemical imbalance in my brain at times hyper-stimulates me to the point i can potentially overreact, so i put myself in time out (yup i lock the doors of my house with them inside and go outside for a few minutes to chill out and re-group) showed that i can recognise the problem before it occurs and step in and deal with it before it escalates.

she's happy with the other measures i have in place (diet, time out, exercise, art therapy) to minimise the effect it has on my day to day life and that i write down everything i think/feel (you think you get war and peace here laugh.gif) so that it essentially leaves my brain, i also have a box in the back of my freezer that i freeze everything in that i no longer want with me - sounds crazy but it makes sense as it's a physical object that you can hold and see rather than just saying 'yup i'm not going to think about that anymore'.

she said i can take the squids with me but honestly i would be distracted by the - not in the sense that i don't want them to see me upset/hear me speak as they've heard it (it's not hidden from them, nothing is hidden in this house - everything is out in the open where it should be IMO - not for everyone i know but since they fed from my emotions they need to know i'm not upset/cranky with THEM but the situation and my own inability at that moment to remain in control) but that they will want/need my attention so without them there i can focus solely on myself - the whole reason for being in counselling in the first place.

so here we go - the start of the journey, it'll be a long one but it's going to be worth it.
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#22 byebye

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Posted 12 November 2009 - 12:18 PM

Sam I am so pleased you now have a plan in place and you are feeling comfortable enough with counselling. I am in such awe at how well you handle this side of things and think you are an incredibly strong woman who will get through this with the same toughness you always show.

#23 Decembergirl

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Posted 12 November 2009 - 12:36 PM

Sam I'm really glad to hear you've got support, and from many quarters too, not just Adrian. I know you're in for a long road, but you have options, and frankly everything in life seems better when you have options, even depression.

Keep the War and Peace novels coming too, we're all here to support you. smile.gif
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#24 atua

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Posted 12 November 2009 - 12:48 PM

thanks girls - see i know i bore some ppl by talking about it but that's the only way i can deal with it, by talking about it, by making it more known (and i see it in some ways as a mini personal crusade to remove the stigma and stereotypes from mental illness).

the one thing i forgot to add - if for any reason i cannot make an appt she will come to my home and we will have a session here - that's dedication for you.

and the other thing - some health services may have changed the name of their units - the one through campbelltown hospital is now ICAMHS (infant child adolescent mental health services) - just an aside in case anyone ever contacts their hospital and asks for the peri infant and they get looked at like they have two heads cause they don't know what they mean.

all testing/notes will be entered into my hospital file so all the staff there are aware of the situation and plans in place.

at this stage it's all about being proactive and stopping the slide occuring again - i refuse to go down that path again.
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#25 atua

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Posted 18 November 2009 - 05:53 PM

update...

head is spinning, brain about to explode.

i see the psych next week - confirmation i really am crazy sad.gif this *^%$ing sucks, unsure if i need meds yet so have a medication assessment next wednesday - fantastic, just fantastic.

now i know i'm meant to feel all empowered that i've taken these steps myself but right now i feel so drained, so empty and NO ONE irl around me gives a shit save my husband and my MIL, my mother just asked how today went and i started talking and she changed subject sad.gif

it sucks. i know meds are there as required and they wouldn't be suggested if not required (my counsellor is very meds are the last resort type of person) but it's hard to explain.

i just feel very sad.gif right now
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#26 Mel B

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Posted 18 November 2009 - 06:53 PM

Sam I just wish there was something more I could say. I am thinking of you & I know you have the strength to get through this, with the help of the team around you. It still sucks though sad.gif
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#27 atua

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Posted 26 November 2009 - 07:27 AM

*sigh* i booked in and essentially booked out of hospital in one movement yesterday morning.

was there for 45mins in the end - it ended with the m/w (who was just following protocol) referred me to the high risk clinic as i dared to be honest and mention that i'm receiving counselling and had an appt yesterday afternoon to discuss medication.

after the crap i went through with the OB's with the girls i refuse to go through it again - plus it seems counter productive to have to tell the story every 2-4w to someone new when i can have continuity of care through my GP and with the m/w clinic.

their 'back up' was their scales have me at 122 - putting me 2kg over their 120kg weight range for m/w clinic -funny i was 127 with molly and nothing was said.....

so i walked out of the hospital - telling them i will see them 22/12 and that will be the last time they see me until this baby is being delivered - i'm not going through that again.

i told the psych what happened - she's calling the NUM to have a talking to her about it all - cause it's just not right.

add to that it was decided yesterday to put me on meds - i start 50mg zoloft today then on monday they will call to see how i am and up it to 100mg and we'll go from there - i've already had the judgement call from the pharmacist, the pathology chick that took blood from me - a thick skin is going to be needed me thinks.

funny part is - ppl think nothing of someone taking meds for pre-e, insulin for GDM but you mention anti-depressants and suddenly you are this reckless person with no regard for your unborn child - ppl just don't get it's not a decision entered into lightly and you are monitored unbelievably closely (closer than the hospital damn well would) to ensure that everything is ok both with you and bubs.
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#28 -Megs-

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Posted 26 November 2009 - 08:04 AM

I can't believe you're getting judgements Sam, would they prefer you e a pregnant basket case??? You are doing the right thing for you, for your children and for your unborn baby. Start telling judgers to go and get *^%$ed, it's not like you're lighting up a ciggarette or skulling back vodka. *^%$ing idiots. As if it's not hard enough going through it all without other people making you worse sad.gif Want me to kick them in the shins for you?

#29 atua

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Posted 26 November 2009 - 09:42 AM

nah tis all good hun - i have a very thick skin, comes in handy in these situations where you're already a touch fragile.

though it was interesting listenening to the counsellor and psych discussing possible meds yesterday and the counsellor had picked up on things that i hadn't even noticed so now i know what i need to work on smile.gif
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