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Anyone been in my shoes?


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#1 ...~*Pretty In Pink*~...

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Posted 21 October 2009 - 02:42 PM

I love my husband but I am not in love with him! I cry myself to sleep at this thought. I love him so much that i dont want to make him unhappy. I don't want to be held by him, kiss or be kissed by him or any other intimancy. The passion isn't there. It's more me than him. so because it not an even feeling, i feel arwful even more that i'm feeling this way. I also have a 2 year son in the picture and the thought of us not together for him hurts.
I'm also scared of leaving, being on my own, being alone etc as i am great friends with my husband and he is a great guy.

I'm so confussed. has anyone experienced this and or even actually gone as far as separating/divorcing over a situation like mine.

I'm also feeling the need to be attracted to other men and wanting other mens attention. I of course would never cheat. My husband was my first everything - met when we were 17. started dating at 19. we have now been together almost 10 years and married 5 years.

I'm also scared of moving on and years later regreting my dissission.

sorry about spelling - very tired and not well.

there is a part of me just hoping its a faze. but there is a part of me that want to be single meet another men, do the dating thing, there is even a guy who i am attracted too.


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#2 ~*JAC*~

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Posted 22 October 2009 - 07:45 AM

I could have written this post! And to answer your question, yes, my husband and I have separated, but we are still living together, and we will continue to until I can get on my feet financially.

Honestly, we are getting along so much better now that there is no pressure on either of us. Although, I think we both felt the same way, and I think that you mentioned you think you are the only one feeling that way.

I would suggest counselling to see if you can get that spark back, my husband refused, hence the decision to split, but I think if you can both go it will open the door for you to talk to him about it.

I do hope you can sort things out, but if your heart isn't in it maybe the best thing to do is separate?
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#3 lil chicken

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Posted 22 October 2009 - 03:57 PM

I'm sorry you are feeling torn at the moment, feelings can be so confusing can't they? Every relationship is different so it's hard to give advice but I've got some thoughts which may or may not assist, they're just my view...

I've never really understood the saying I love him but I'm not in love with him. I guess when people say that they mean they love their partner and don't want to hurt them, but don't feel insanely attracted or connected to their partner all of the time?
I understand that as being in love, and loving someone. Don't get me wrong it's important to feel connected/attracted to your partner, but I don't think all of us feel that 100% of the time.
It's completely normal to have times when you are completely engaging with your partner and life is bliss, and to also have times when you're both a little bit over it. Relationships take a lot of work to maintain on both fronts. There might be people out there that swear 100% of the time they are completely infatuated with their partner and they might be completely telling the truth...but on all accounts I think a majority of people go through ups and downs, times when they feel a little bored or in a rut and times when sparks still fly.

A counsellor on a radio program I was listening too recently said sometimes if we begin to focus our attraction/thoughts/feelings onto another person (other than our partner) we become a little tunnell visioned. We notice the things our partner does that annoys us more, we begin to tune out to them and to the relationship (unknowingly) and focus our energies elsewhere, even if it's just flirting with this other person.

I guess you need to figure out if this is just a lull in your relationship, maybe make a consious effort to re-connect with DH, give it some time, and then if that doesn't work, you may have a problem that might be best solved by a separation? But I guess you would know for sure which one it was.....



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#4 AK2

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Posted 22 October 2009 - 06:25 PM

I'm so sorry. It must be so hard to live with this.

How long have you felt this way? The bible passage is really true- there is a season for everything. Perhaps your marriage is going through a wintery season?

Have you told your husband how you are feeling? You don't have to reveal that you are attracted to another man, but before you leave him you need to give him the opportunity to work on the marriage too.

I think you are being really smart about this- just take things slowly, there is a lot at stake here. Thinking of you.

#5 ***Bella***

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Posted 22 October 2009 - 06:50 PM

The other women have given great advise.
I would take it slow and steady. Really think about your situation.
You do deserve to be happy. I would bring it up with your partner though. See what he says. Suggest counselling.

I truely believe that often marrying your first love or partner is not a wise decision as you are so young. You don't know what else is out there. You have no other relationships to compare things too.
** You can tell I am a bit jaded after a 5 year relationship with my first bf.

Good luck.

#6 * MsSassy *

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Posted 22 October 2009 - 07:48 PM

I'm not going to suggest the best way for you to do things cause you need to dig deep into your heart to find those answers. However, I can give my experience:

I was 19 when I got with my husband, we were together for 7 almost 8 years. I called it off approx 3 months ago for the same reasons as yourself. My love for him had gone. It was a very gradual process. I started 3 years ago, little by little I found myself slowly falling out of love. I thought it was just a stage and vowed to keep working at getting it back. We'd been to couselling, I'd done many self-analysis's to try and work why these feelings were fading. I always knew from the first day we met that we would be a long term thing. But I didn't ever want to believe that it would end. We share two children.

I truly believe that if our two children weren't involved I would have left the relationship a long time ago, but I wanted to keep trying, mostly for them and because I didn't want to disappoint my husband. I too believe my husband is a great man, we have developed different values, but he is still a great soul.

In the end, I realised that no amount of work would help those feelings returned. I was growing into a different person and a zest in me that wanted to experience life differently to his idea. I also felt incredibly guilty at keeping him in a relationship where I knew my feelings weren't there. I felt he deserved to find someone who can give him what he deserves. Because I know that I am not the one who can do it.

QUOTE
I'm also feeling the need to be attracted to other men and wanting other mens attention. I of course would never cheat.


I can completely relate to this. I am the last person to look sideways at another person when I am in a relationship with someone. But I found myself doing this. I knew it was out of character for me. And I felt that I got to the point where if the opportunity came up with the right person then I could have overstepped the mark.

This was breaking point for me. It was eating me away. In the end I told my husband my feelings (We had discussed my dwindling feelings a numerous occassions). At first he wasn't quite sure how to take it, I dont think he really believed it. I was still willing to work at it, but a few things happened and made me realise that I really did not want to.

I will not lie. My husband is devasted and it hurts me so much to know that I have done this to him. But I think to myself, it is better now then 20 years time when it is much harder for him to restart his life. I know he will fine and he will move on. He is still greiving.

On the same token I had take my life into my hands. I keep telling myself that this is my life and I need to live it.

The kids are coping really well. There are moments, but we get through them. I tell my husband that as long as we're ok....they'll be ok.

Ultimately I would like to teach my kids that the most important part of life is to be happy.

Like I said, this is my experience. Yours can be different, but you need to do alot of soul searching. Maybe doing couselling on your own first and see where that leads you. But also remember that it is your life and you need to be happy. I know everything will work out for you in the end. Stay positive.

#7 nephthys

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Posted 24 October 2009 - 10:18 AM

It's great you've had some support from the ladies who've experienced it. I need to offer an alternate opinion. If you really, truly want to continue your marriage, I do believe you can rebuild it, you just need to put in a mighty, joint effort.

We go through tremendous maturing and changing between 20-25 and relationships that start at the beginning of this time face the additional challenge of two people growing into themselves. The relationships that survive after this period are rare. There is also so much glamour placed on a wedding day (this forum is a case-in-point!) that often it's seen as the culmination of a life together, not the beginning of a new stage and we rush into it before we're truly ready for that life commitment.

It's also our custom these days to separate our houses into an individual's space, made worse by our affluence where most of us are living in much bigger homes than our fore-parents. We have our own computers, separate televisions, we come home at different hours and need 'me' time before we allow ourselves 'us' time. We make excuses like tiredness, busyness, stress to avoid communicating with each other. You will turn to our online friends before you'll speak to your husband. It takes no time at all before you realise you don't know this person you married and any wonder; it's self-inflicted.

Then there is the myth of constant romantic love. I truly do not believe that continuous, long-lasting romantic love exists. It exists in a short-term capacity, mostly during the early period when we marry, but not over years. As we age, we change through experience and learning and what satisfied us intimately and mentally in our 20s, most likely won't in our 30s, 40s, 50s... Marriage is a constant learning process, a re-evaluation and must be flexible to accommodate this. For constant romantic love to endure, you must be willing to re-learn the other person's needs and let them know and learn yours. If you expect romantic love to be inevitable and without effort, you will find yourself disappointed.

A strong friendship with your husband, in my opinion, is THE most important aspect of a marriage, far beyond physical intimacy. You need to know each other's quirks and foibles, weaknesses and strengths, what makes them laugh, cry, when to hold and when to prod. Sex dwindles, it's a given, and sometimes due to factors outside your control, there could be months or years between having sex with your partner and you need to have a friendship in place to survive this.

Now I'm the first to admit we can marry the wrong person. Physical, mental abuse is not on, ever. There are genuine reasons to end marriages, but I truly think that just 'falling out of love' is something we allow to happen and a sad reason. There are things we can do to stop this:

- Be disciplined in your time together. Turn off the computers/televisions for one night a week, regardless of how busy/tired you are, and play a game of Uno/poker/monopoly (each week can see a new champion), have a shower together, a candle-light dinner, put your son in a pram and go for a twilight walk (holding hands)... these don't cost anything but their value is priceless.

- You must allow some vices and weaknesses in the other person. Unless these are addictions and are controlling your marriage, minor vices must be permitted and just turn a blind eye to them no matter how much they annoy you.

- Allow yourselves to have some time apart but be sure to equal or greater that time together. Spend time with friends definitely, but limit that time and ensure you make it up with quality time together, even cuddling on the couch watching TV is something. Any sort of physical contact, be it a pinch on bum to a cuddle when you first get home, it all adds value. Some days I dread my husband touching me because I'm so grumpy at him, but secretly I always appreciate it when it does.

- Put your computers and televisions near each other so at least you're looking at each other. I'm having trouble fitting everything into our little house because the two spare rooms are upstairs with everything else downstairs. It'd be so much easier to put DH's computer and things upstairs but I know I'd never see him because he potters around with the computer and his electronic gadgets for hours. I'd prefer the downstairs dining room be crowded and untidy with his stuff than upstairs and never seeing him. Sometimes I'll being my laptop in and sit beside him because even though we're not talking, we're still sitting close and that's enough.

- And most importantly, stop validating reasons for avoiding each other. It's almost like we try to punish our husbands/wifes by not speaking to the other when that's the exact time we should be talking. It's okay to admit you're angry and frustrated. It's preferable you argue and debate rather than ignore each other.

PIP, for you now, maybe it is too late. To rekindle after there are no more feelings takes so much effort, you need to evaluate whether your husband is worth it. But maybe the above can help someone else in the same situation?

I wish you all the best, I truly do. I hope you work out the best for yourself and your family.

Hugs

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#8 MsGems

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Posted 24 October 2009 - 09:58 PM

*nods* I fell out of love with my ex-husband and pretty much felt everything you're feeling. We got together when I was 17, engaged at 19, married at 21. After I'd had counselling and was still feeling confused about the situation, he helped me come up with my answer with one question.
He said to me "If you could love me again like you used to, would you want to?"
I was unable to answer "yes" straight away, and knew that my answer had been found for me.
Heartbreaking, yes. Right decision, yes.

Sometimes you need to take it right back to basics to get the 'answer'.

Thinking of you.
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#9 em2007

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Posted 25 October 2009 - 07:06 AM

I don't have much advice but I couldn't go past your post without replying.

Like Nep - I don't think that passionate love can continuously last in (Most) relationships and that maintaining that spark and romantic love requires hard work at times.

Only you can decide if you want to and if it is worth, trying to rekindle that through hard work (plus/minus counselling etc). I know sometimes when I have felt similar (I think not unusual with busy lives and children) that making myself act like I couldn't keep my hands off my husband helps some of those feelings come back.

I'm not sure how much time you and DH are spending together but I know sometimes DH and I spend TOO much time together when I am not working (given their work roster) - that seems to encourage us to act more like housemates rather than lovers.

If you ever need to chat - pm me here or on facebook. Thinking of you.

#10 Cole29

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Posted 25 October 2009 - 07:29 AM

I don't have advice as such but just wanted to say that I hope you can come to the best decision for you, it is obviously an awfully difficult situation and you clearly don't want to hurt your husband, but at the same time you don't want to miss out on life by staying if you don't want to if that makes sense.

QUOTE(nephthys @ Oct 24 2009, 11:18 AM) View Post

Then there is the myth of constant romantic love. I truly do not believe that continuous, long-lasting romantic love exists. It exists in a short-term capacity, mostly during the early period when we marry, but not over years. As we age, we change through experience and learning and what satisfied us intimately and mentally in our 20s, most likely won't in our 30s, 40s, 50s... Marriage is a constant learning process, a re-evaluation and must be flexible to accommodate this. For constant romantic love to endure, you must be willing to re-learn the other person's needs and let them know and learn yours. If you expect romantic love to be inevitable and without effort, you will find yourself disappointed.

A strong friendship with your husband, in my opinion, is THE most important aspect of a marriage, far beyond physical intimacy. You need to know each other's quirks and foibles, weaknesses and strengths, what makes them laugh, cry, when to hold and when to prod. Sex dwindles, it's a given, and sometimes due to factors outside your control, there could be months or years between having sex with your partner and you need to have a friendship in place to survive this.


I just wanted to quote Nep's points above because I strongly agree with them. As she said - in your case it may be too late and it may not be in your best interests to try to make it work any longer, but nonetheless I think the points are very valid.

Wishing you all the best. xx
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#11 Nicole_R

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Posted 23 November 2009 - 02:00 PM

I agree with everything the other women have said.

Take things slowly, try to talk it out, try counselling, really dig deep to find the answer for yourselves..

Everyone deserves to be happy. You & your husband included. Does he know you feel this way? If not, do you think he should?

But I will just add one thing, and it's only my opinion. TTC'ing when you're having feelings of separation, and not being in love with your husband, probably isn't the best thing in the world for you, your husband, your current son, OR any new additions...

Worse case scenario, do you think it's fair to bring another baby in to this world, when ultimately (again, worst case scenario only here!) you could end up going through a divorce with a newborn?

I'm sorry to be the stickler in the mud here, but it's definately something REAL to think about.

I'm trying to watch my words really closely here, as I don't want to hurt you, or say the wrong thing, but it's definately something to have a good, hard think about. Bringing another baby in to your marriage isn't going to fix it, you BOTH need to fix it first.

With each other. Together.

That's if you really want to. If not, I'd be having a second think about TTC at the present time.

Wishing you all the very best. It can't be an easy predicament to be in.
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#12 ...~*Pretty In Pink*~...

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Posted 14 June 2010 - 09:19 PM

Hi Ladies,

Your advice has been invaluable. I often come back to this post to re-read the advice. 8 months on, we are still together. I still feel the same though. However, I have spoken to my husband and given him all the details and vice versa. We are thinking of spending some time apart to see if this helps to find each other again - that connection.
But I have a lot going on in my head right now. I'm thinkiong of going overseas for a bit to through a spanner it the works. To do what I have always done which my husband stopped me as I always put him first. He also is anti OS.However he has changed his mind and would go OS with me for a holiday, but too late, as i know he is only saying it to please me and make things better.
I think i need to do this for myself.


More is happening but can't find the words tonight

thnak you

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#13 StaceyR

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Posted 31 May 2014 - 01:59 AM

I'm sorry this is happening to you, just make sure this is what you really want.




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