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Have you ever had words with your inlaws?


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#1 Becca13

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Posted 08 July 2009 - 10:46 AM

We seem to have this ongoing issue with my inlaws, and it seems it will never be resolved, it all stems from them and their favouritism (which they don't acknowlegde) and they had a go at my DH the other day because we "have hardly seen them since the wedding" (I think this translates to your wife controls you or something like it).
They also complained that we never ask them to look after DS, the truth is we never ask anybody to look after him, it's not up to other people to look after him, if they want to look after him all they have to do is ask.
But i'm at the point where i've had enough, they only seem to remember what they want to remember, and I think they need reminding of a few things.
Have you ever had words with your inlaws and how did it end up for you?

#2 Swarles Barkley

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Posted 08 July 2009 - 10:59 AM

we recently had to have words with my inlaws, as i couldnt cope with their attitude at the time. We were/are going through a tough time with fertility, and they didnt seem to get that rubbing a 2 year old grandchild in our face all the time was not helping.

They obviously accepted that they needed to change their attitude, as they did, and it has been fine since. it hasnt been mentioned to me (I made brian talk to them), and that is fine.
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#3 ~steph~

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Posted 08 July 2009 - 11:13 AM

QUOTE(Becca13 @ Jul 8 2009, 10:46 AM) View Post

We seem to have this ongoing issue with my inlaws, and it seems it will never be resolved, it all stems from them and their favouritism (which they don't acknowlegde) and they had a go at my DH the other day because we "have hardly seen them since the wedding" (I think this translates to your wife controls you or something like it).
They also complained that we never ask them to look after DS, the truth is we never ask anybody to look after him, it's not up to other people to look after him, if they want to look after him all they have to do is ask.
But i'm at the point where i've had enough, they only seem to remember what they want to remember, and I think they need reminding of a few things.
Have you ever had words with your inlaws and how did it end up for you?


I have very similar inlaws, I have had words with them, it has ended badly. FIL hasn't used my name in over 5 years, I think it is - I am 'she', 'her' or 'Hayden's mum', MIL tolerates me because she knows she has to. The words I had were when I was defending myself against them (DH was a little busy stuffing his face with cake at the time to back me up ohmy.gif dry.gif ) I ended up the bad guy, same as the time my BIL had major words to me (this time DH was still drunk from his 30th the night before dry.gif ). Now I just limit my contact. The less I see them the better I get on with them. And honestly I now laugh at the stupid things they say and do, what doesn't upset me doesn't hurt me. Although it has improved things in some ways - I think they are a little scared of having another go at me because they know I can answer back, so they have moved onto my SIL who won't answer back.

good luck, it took me nearly 10 years to be able to sit there and laugh at them instead of get upset by them.

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#4 Puggie

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Posted 08 July 2009 - 11:17 AM

My MIL favours her daughter and usually I just ignore it. If it gets OTT, though, I have and do say something.

Usually there's a few days of discomfort, then I will ring his Mum and pretend nothing has happened, she pretends likewise but makes a big batch of our favourite foods etc. and brings them over, and we go along happy again until it gets a bit much and I point it out again.

I am lucky, though, that my MIL is not a bad or a mean person. Sometimes she just forgets that although her son/my husband is very self sufficient, it doesn't mean he doesn't still appreciate their support or attention from time to time wink.gif

ETA: I should add that a lot of the time I think my ILs don't know *how* to support us. We're financially independent, we sort out our own problems etc. I've found since having Oscar my MIL and I have gotten along much better as she has an obvious way to help. E.g. she comes over when he is sick to look after him for a few hours so we could get some much needed rest. Or she'll cook half a dozen different foods to tempt Oscar when he's off his food. And she spoils him rotten with every toy, outfit etc. imaginable.

It's still nothing like the level of support they give my SIL, but that's OK. I know that if we ask for it, help will always be forthcoming - and for that I am very grateful. On the occasions we have needed help (an extra set of hands when I was taking a very sick Tockie to the Drs, when we were having a fridge delivered and neither of us could be here, having the dogs minded for the weekend while we go away etc.) it's never a problem.

I'm going to shut up now and go buy my MIL a pressie. She's not perfect but nor am I and all in all I reckon we're pretty lucky to have her wub.gif

#5 GirlHunt

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Posted 08 July 2009 - 11:34 AM

I had words to my inlaws last year about how they don't spend enough time with us and their grand kids. I use to think it was me but I found out they only contact their other son in his 20's who lives in the UK every 6 months or so. I live 1.5hrs from my family and the only people I know where I live is them. Our kids are the only 2 grand kids they have. It has taken me awhile to understand they are not like my parents, typical doting grand parents. But since words have been exchanged things have changed and we have a better relationship now and they actually ask us if we want adult time and they can look after the kids. Things have changed so much that they even asked us if we wanted some help with the kids when we go to HK. A lovely family holiday. I hope anyway.
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#6 indigo

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Posted 08 July 2009 - 01:50 PM

Yes, I've had a huge showdown with my MIL before, that has culminated up again a few weeks ago, but is now hopefully over for good. sad.gif

Basically hubby is the least favoured child and when the favourite sibling continually disrespected both hubby and myself to extremes, we tried to work it out with him. Unfortunately same BIL cannot take criticism and cannot deal with the possibility he can be wrong so he made MIL confront us.
Totally with the wrong facts and totally out of line. She expected us to immediately get in the car and drive the hour over to her place to get blasted, without bothering to hear our story. It was so bad that it was to the point that she was demanding we apologise to BIL and saying things like I am selfish as I'm not the only one in the world who has had cancer before (and therefore why should BIL have to change his ways and be courteous whilst I'm recovering?).
I picked up my baby and stormed out of the house.

Whilst it was eventually a hesitant truce, BIL amongst other things again caused chaos recently by announcing to all our close friends and family that we were pregnant when we had specifically told him not to (I have PCOS and past history of miscarriage but besides that, it's our freaking news and we deemed it too early to announce).
When asked to take the announcement down, BIL hung up on us and again hid behind his mum. We were again the ones at fault and it wasn't until I wrote down everything that has happened and emailed it to BIL and MIL that she finally started to understand and listen to our perspective.
Instead of the standard "Well that's just how BIL is, deal with it", it could be seen just how much he has continually disrespected us. I think also the fact that the whole stress of this situation blowing up again and me subsequently bleeding quite heavily with the pregnancy also brought the severity of it to the forefront.

We got as close to an apology rolleyes.gif as we're ever going to get. BIL will never understand or accept that he is human and that his actions hurt others greatly.

As for MIL, it seems to be friendlier now but I just never know. It's always been a substantial hunch that underneath it all, I am just considered the breeding stock and never a true member of the family. I think that for the sake of my husband and daughter I do my best to honour the family when I'm around them, however I am also a believer in doing the best for my own family which incorporates living our own lives and keeping time with them to a minimum.

I'm sorry to see that so many others also have had run-ins with their in-laws. Whilst I know that it's got to be a hard thing at times for a mother to relinquish their alpha-female role (or conversely for the wife to accept some influences from MIL), it's such a sad thing that it can cause such heartache. sad.gif

#7 Puggie

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Posted 08 July 2009 - 02:51 PM

QUOTE(la_jeune_mariée @ Jul 8 2009, 02:21 PM) View Post

Never mind your MIL Pugster. Anytime you need someone to sew some sequins on the backside of your weightlifting bikini, I'm your gal wink.gif

Is that a proposition?? You chatting me up??? Not many want to embroider my bikinis tongue.gif

ETA: And I want CRYSTALS, by the way, not just sequins wink.gif

#8 Mel75

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Posted 23 July 2009 - 04:24 PM

Oh gosh, this thread seems like it is made for me unfortunately....

My MIL and I have never seen eye to eye since DH and i got together..... such a long and protracted story however my wonderful DH deals with her now and we had a blow up on the day after Boxing Day last year (meant to be our family xmas lunch blink.gif ) but that turned out lovely - NOT.

I personally had it out with her in a civil kind of manner at Easter and we have not spoken since, which i am happy with. Uncannily just before reading this post - she sent me a text blah blah we have not caught up in a while blink.gif WTF? anyway!

I feel bad for DH, it is his mother and i love her due to that fact only - but i do not like her, not one bit. She will quickly turn and stab me in the back as soon as look at me. She asked my DH at our reception (last Oct) if he was sure he loved me, just to tell her he was happy and everything will be ok - again, WTF woman? Sorry, she just irritates the hell out of me!! mad.gif

But at least i am not the only one xxxxxx
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#9 -Megs-

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Posted 23 July 2009 - 04:30 PM

Not going to start because I may not stop ph34r.gif No I haven't had a confrontation with my in-laws and I'm currently so close to hurling abuse at them that I am refusing to speak to or see them.

#10 alaia

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Posted 23 July 2009 - 04:38 PM

Let's just say that I have not spoken to my MIL for 12 months mad.gif so in answer to your questions, yes there were lots of words and we both know where we stand and that is as far apart as possible!

#11 **** Sarah and Adam ****

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Posted 23 July 2009 - 05:00 PM

Yes and it ended up bad...at the time and left it awkward for years. But it had to be done. Basically hubby is, was or something the least favoured son. A lot of things were done but my inlaws hurt hubby very much when they allowed his brothers skanky rude, lieing girlfriend to move in and as a result hubby moved out. For years it was awkward, I think I was more hurt then hubby. Our wedding was then coming up and they said if we did not allow this girl to come then they woldn't come. I had many tearful conversations with them where I was very clear about it being our wedding and not theres. But ultimately, it was not worth it. 1 person was not going ot destroy our lives.

Anyway, fastfoward another 2 years and the girl leaves and proves to all that we were right all along. Many things have been said indicating that we were correct to have voiced our concers etc etc. Ultimately, when you have your say you can only make somebody believe what they want to believe. If you are saying something you have to do it because you need it aired, that you need to have your opinion no matter how it turns out.

Thankfully, we now get along really well with my inlaws and it is better then ever.

#12 MrsJo

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Posted 23 July 2009 - 05:18 PM

I haven't had words with them YET. They are pushing me close to the edge though! Primarily it is my SIL causing the drama, but if I take her on I may as well take on my PIL and everyone else over there. I swear if my PIL don't put a shorter rope on my SIL, I may just be pushed over the edge though!

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#13 SoonToBeMrsS

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Posted 05 October 2009 - 11:03 PM

My father gave me some very good advice in relation to the in laws after his mother burst into tears and ran hysterically from the room when we announced our wedding date (12 months beforehand) because his sister thought that she might maybe consider travelling at that time and so we should have planned around that. (FYI, my fiance is a teacher and therefore can't choose his holidays - so January was the only time we could have a decent honeymoon).

Anyway, my Daddy told me in a good fatherly way that at the end of the day you dont have to marry your in laws, but you are marrying their child. And as irritating and annoying and downright nasty as they may be, at the end of the day the person you are marrying will always love them (even if its just a tiny bit). And if you truly can love the person you are about the marry then the best thing you can do is suck it up and, at least for appearance's sake, do the best you can to get on with his parents. Because really, you don't want to make things harder on him, and he's the one you care about.

That said, if/when his sister returns from her year abroad (which I believe she is planning to do one week after our wedding) it is unlikely that I will be able to speak to her due to the pain and suffering she has caused me.



#14 chelley

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Posted 06 October 2009 - 05:49 AM

Ooh I don't have the energy to even start up about our experiences othr than to say.

We had it out. We now live overseas. Enough said really
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#15 lena

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Posted 06 October 2009 - 09:34 AM

If you call screaming at the top of my lungs and even a couple of swear words popped out oops ph34r.gif having it out with your inlaws (well actually MIL) then yes. She is a horrible person and she had finnally pushed me to far. She bossess everyone around and puts EVERYONE down including her grandchildren and no one ever stands up to her. Lets put it this way she won't take me on again and she is respectful to me now to my face behind my back would be a different story but I don't care. I talk about her behind her back too. It was the best thing I have ever done and would do it again in an instant. BTW I am nice to her face for DH but I HATE HER GUTS!!!
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