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#1 Melamoo

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Posted 27 June 2009 - 11:10 PM

I am getting married this November so H2B and I thought we'd better get BM and MOH to start planning the bucks and hens nights.
My sister (MOH) knows that I am strongly against strippers and has respected my wishes not to include any in my hens night. I have also reminded H2B how much I would feel uncomfortable and upset if a stripper was hired or they went to a strip club. He told me that he has no urge to see one and would rather go paint balling during the day and at night sit around the house having a bbq, drinking beer and playing console games for his bucks night. Typical bloke thing to do.

However, when H2B told BM (his best mate) about the whole "no stripper" deal, his BM told him (in his words as I read the email) "As for the bux night I am working on plans and strippers are included so dont tell the boss!!!"

As soon as I read this I was that furious my head nearly exploded!! I thought he was a nice guy and would respect my values and opinions, and hubbys, but now I think he is a total A**H***.
And to go and call me "the boss"?? Who does he think he is? He makes me sound as though I have hubby under my thumb and I'm a control freak.
I love H2B and trust him 100%, I just think its disrespectful, degrading and kinda like cheating to go watch a stripper when your in an intimate relationship and about to get married.


One thing though, I probably shouldn't have checked the email but I was looking for email from our celebrant (as hubby uses his email for our wedding stuff) and saw one from BM and thought I'd check to see if it was about the bucks night and to see if he was on top of the plans for it.
Hubby doesn't know I checked it and when after reading it I asked if he'd heard back about plans, he just told me "BM has stuff planned but didn't go into great detail."
So now I'm feeling uncomfortable about the whole thing because he never told me that his BM had strippers included. I know he's probably trying not to upset me or cause an argument, I just hope he continues to talk to BM about it and convinces him not to hire any.

Am I going nuts over this or am I right to be uncomfortable and angry over BM?
I seriously think I have lost respect for BM over the email he sent. There was also more about him being pissed that they have to pay for the suits and thinks that H2B should be paying!

Sorry for the long winded message. I need to vent.



#2 princess*meg

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Posted 27 June 2009 - 11:26 PM

Firstly, I want to say that I understand your frustration at the situation. If your FH has made his feelings clear, then the BM should respect that and plan accordingly. Not all men want strippers at their celebrations. rolleyes.gif

Just a quick note- I don't think you should get too upset about the term 'boss' being used. My FH and his friends use it all the time when talking. The terms 'boss', 'boss lady' and 'warden' are always thrown around in conversations in reference to me and the other girlfriends/wives. Often, it isn't meant to be taken in a negative way, just as a joke between guys.

Personally, I have no problem with strippers. The last buck's my FH was involved in planning as BM had a naked girls serving drinks and a XXX sex show. Not my kind of thing, but it's what the groom wanted!! ph34r.gif
I'm also well aware that my FH is going to have a least 1 stripper at his Buck's night (I'm sure more are in the works), however, I trust my FH 100% and now he would never do anything to risk our relationship.

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#3 beth

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Posted 28 June 2009 - 07:31 AM

I take it as recognition of my position when referred to as the boss biggrin.gif Does not happen very often though dammit.
I understand that this is one of those issues that people form their opinions on, and everyone is different. Can I ask what it is specifically that would worry you so much about your H2B going to see strippers?

Personally I am all for them going out and having a good time, a lot of guys see it as a right of passage, part and parcel of all the ceremonies associated with getting married. My only rule was that DH could look but no touching (this applies generally anyway).
I realise it's frustrating but you're going to have to fess up to your H2B that you read his email, or find some other way to reinforce your wishes. I feel a bit sorry for him, he is stuck between pleasing you and pleasing his mates. Good luck with it smile.gif
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#4 ***Bella***

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Posted 28 June 2009 - 09:01 AM

I understand how you feel as everyone has different ideas on the stripper topic.

While I am not mega comfortable with it I wouldn't be suprised if my FH ends up at a strippers on his bucks night (on the Gold Coast after all).
I am thinking that my hens night might involve me going into a strippers too..or even having one (undecided at this stage).

I think that you should "accidently" open the email again..innocently of course ph34r.gif and perhaps read it while FH is in the room/area (so he know that you were just doing it "innocently" then you can discuss it with him.)
You are just going to feel upset and resentful and uncomfortable until you discuss it with him.

Good luck!!

I see you are getting married in November! You should come and join our Novemebr 2009 Brides thread!

#5 bmee

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Posted 28 June 2009 - 09:01 AM

To be honest, I think that females worrying about males going to strip clubs for their bucks night is a little OTT. I mean, lets just put this into perspective.

You are at the beach. There is a 20 year old in a bikini sun baking and your husband or h2b glances over and has a look. Is this cheating? I think not. What if that 20 year old then wants a tan on their boobs and takes their top off? Guess what, still not cheating! As long as they are looking and not touching then I don't see the problem and I definitely don't believe that it's cheating. I guess it all comes down to the trust issue. Plus, the majority of those places are look but don't touch anyway. It's not like your h2b is going to go home with her and have sex with her.

And with the issue of trust and the emails. I'm sorry but you would know what emails are wedding related and which aren't. Had you not 'come across' the email then you probably wouldn't be worrying too much.

At the end of the day bucks and hens nights are there to let off a little steam before the wedding. If you are this concerned then obviously you and H2B haven't sat down and talked about your expectations for the bucks and hens night. At the end of the day you have to have a mutual agreement as to whats going on, then you have to tell you MOH and your H2B needs to tell the BM. Both of you need to talk together and find out what you both want. Marriage is give and take. Not I don't want you to do this so you can't do this.

Each to their own though.

#6 liza_jane79

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Posted 28 June 2009 - 09:39 AM

As the wife to be, you are the boss and should be flattered at the title being used so early. All men know their wives are the boss!! tongue.gif We are the boss, the misses, the ball and chain... doesn't mean they don't respect us

Appreciate your wishes however what is it that you don't like about strippers? Do you not trust your partner? Strippers are harmless and you'll probably find your OH doesn't really notice them. Strippers are a right of passage, they are a bit of harmless entertainment and a tradition amongst men (and women for that matter)... Most men end up laughing all night at the things the stripper did, the look on such and suches face when she did xyz... it's all a bit of fun.

Sorry, I know you said you were checking for emails from your celebrant but yet you opened an email from the BM? How did you know it wasn't going to be about you and a lovely surprise for you? If you don't trust your partner before getting married, perhaps marriage isn't right for you? Sorry to be harsh but you should not be checking your partners emails under any circumstance.

I hope you work out what to do and don't make a massive argument out of something so petty... Good luck
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#7 Swarles Barkley

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Posted 28 June 2009 - 10:14 AM

QUOTE(liza_jane79 @ Jun 28 2009, 09:39 AM) View Post

As the wife to be, you are the boss and should be flattered at the title being used so early. All men know their wives are the boss!! tongue.gif We are the boss, the misses, the ball and chain... doesn't mean they don't respect us

Appreciate your wishes however what is it that you don't like about strippers? Do you not trust your partner? Strippers are harmless and you'll probably find your OH doesn't really notice them. Strippers are a right of passage, they are a bit of harmless entertainment and a tradition amongst men (and women for that matter)... Most men end up laughing all night at the things the stripper did, the look on such and suches face when she did xyz... it's all a bit of fun.

Sorry, I know you said you were checking for emails from your celebrant but yet you opened an email from the BM? How did you know it wasn't going to be about you and a lovely surprise for you? If you don't trust your partner before getting married, perhaps marriage isn't right for you? Sorry to be harsh but you should not be checking your partners emails under any circumstance.

I hope you work out what to do and don't make a massive argument out of something so petty... Good luck


I agree with Liza wholeheartedly. I am not a fan of strippers, but i know my husband would never have done anything other than look, so it was his choice to do what ever him and his mates decided to do on his bucks. it was one part of the wedding planning i felt i didnt need to enter into, as it barely affected me

Oh, and I am regularly reffered to as the boss, because I am the boss wink.gif well least the bossy one anyway ph34r.gif
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#8 L's Angel

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Posted 28 June 2009 - 11:03 AM

Now I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't have a problem with your husband going to see a stripper, because I'm not that comfortable with some of it either. I personally don't understand the whole concept of a bucks/hens being a 'last night of freedom' with a free pass to do things you wouldn't normally do and I discussed it with my husband before his bucks so he knew how I felt, he felt the same anyway. But, each to their own.

I think your main issue is related to trust, not necessarily just about the stripper but about you reading his email without his knowledge, and him not telling you what was planned for the bucks night knowing you'd be unhappy.

Personally, I think you need to tell him you read the email, you probably shouldn't have done it but you have so tell him. Although in a relationship you don't have to tell each other every single thing you do have to tell each other the big things and you have to trust the strength of the relationship enough to talk about the tough issues.

It's OK for you to not be happy with the strippers, it's OK for him to want to have them - But it's important you talk about what's going on and don't just ignore it hoping it'll go away. If something your partner is doing upsets you, talk about it - Communication and trust are two key components of any good relationship.
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#9 danni_ms

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Posted 28 June 2009 - 01:59 PM

Melamoo, I am going to go against the grain here and stand completely and utterly on your side and say that I too am not comfortable with strippers, and would be VERY upset if this happened with my partner and I, for exactly the same reason as you.

I understand not everyone has a problem with them, it's not cheating, etc etc, but if you have reasons for not wanting it to happen, I know exactly how you feel.

Personally I don't have trust issues with it, but I DO have self esteem and quite frankly jealousy issues with it (no matter what anyone else says about it!), and I know plenty of women who are the same. My partner is very understanding, and we communicate clearly about the issues, and he does what he can to make sure I don't feel at all hurt or uncomfortable.

I personally believe your best man should try and understand the issue, and realise that he could really cause complications for your relationship with your FH by pursuing the idea. If it happened to me, I know exactly how the situation would end up (with lots and lots of tears, and a huge amount of hurt), so I would try and clear up the situation before it even happened.

I don't think you're being selfish or clingy or dictatorial or ANYTHING if it really causes you grief, anxiety or hurt.

We might be different to some other girls on this issue, but I think you have a right to talk to your FH and/or best man about it, to minimise any hurt or upset you might experience. If you have clear channels of communication with your partner, it might not be a big issue.

Don't feel like a mean wifey! Marriage is about compromise, and also communicating the things that are important to you!!!

Good luck!

(Oh, and yes, do feel free to join the Nov 2009 thread! I promise I'm not usually this ranty either. wink.gif )
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#10 *Mrs G*

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Posted 29 June 2009 - 07:03 AM

I'm against it too.
My ex-husband he was always awol with his friends at night while I was with our three children. When the baby was 6 weeks old, I was told that despite trusting him immensely, he was having an affair with a girl from work.
When I married my new husband, I had a discussion with him about how the thought of him having strippers on his bucks night made my skin crawl, and actually consumed me to the point of where I could not think of anything else, and I can happilly say that my hubby is accepting of how much hurt it causes and doesn't do it.
That's not saying I don't trust him because of my past life with the boys' dad, but it simply says that some hurt is always evident, and the understanding and sensitive partner will do his best to make you a happy wife.
Good luck.

#11 danni_ms

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Posted 29 June 2009 - 07:29 AM

QUOTE(*Mrs G* @ Jun 29 2009, 07:03 AM) View Post

That's not saying I don't trust him because of my past life with the boys' dad, but it simply says that some hurt is always evident, and the understanding and sensitive partner will do his best to make you a happy wife.
Good luck.

Well put. smile.gif
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#12 Emma-Jane

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Posted 29 June 2009 - 08:08 AM

I am at the opposite end of the to yourself, as I told my FH and the BM which strip clubs to go too!!!! In saying that - I obviously have no problem with them. I get more worried about him going to a normal club where there are no bouncers stopping the guys touching the girls. I see it as a bit of titilation and harmless fun, he is marring me after all.

Over reading the email - if FH read my emails I would not be happy to say the least. I know you said you were looking for celebrant emails, but it wasn't from the celebrant and you looked at it. You are now in a sticky situation.

The way I see it is if you tell them no strippers it will be the first thing they want to do, it is a natural curiosity to want something that is forbidden. Try tell kids they can have cookies when they know there is a packet in the cupboard, and then yo leave them alone.

My FH is more interested in going to the Footy or Go-Karting now that he is aloud to go to the strippers, he will still probably go but I dont think it will be such a highlight of the night.
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#13 *Mrs G*

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Posted 29 June 2009 - 12:11 PM

It's funny, someone even said to me the girls are all ugly etc however it didn't do much for me, I still didn't like it.
We did manage to watch underbelly 1 until the end though, despite many cringe-worthy moments.
Someone even said to me "at the end of the night he'll come home so horny for you" but all I could imagine was him coming home horny thinking of someone else, and that isn't ideal, imagination or not!
Then I had people telling me to go to strip clubs with him ... I don't think so... especially not after what I've been through emotionally to be able to trust a man again!
I've always maintained to him that in my eyes, someone that looks elsewhere for stimulation is capable of having an affair, and he has thankfully agreed with me.
I am friends with a couple that swing "with rules" - being that the other partner has to be there... well, needless to say, the wife has just confessed to me a few months ago that for the past 18 months she has been having a lesbian affair ... GEE, DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.
I wish you all the best for your wedding, and future happy lives together... (gee I sound like a prude don't I, but really it's all about respect for your partner, we can't help the emotions we have!)

#14 Mellybel

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Posted 13 July 2009 - 08:23 PM

QUOTE(beth @ Jun 28 2009, 08:31 AM) View Post

I take it as recognition of my position when referred to as the boss biggrin.gif Does not happen very often though dammit.


DEFINITELY AGREED laugh.gif laugh.gif

As for the strippers - talk to him and the BM WITHOUT MENTIONING THE EMAIL. Maybe say something casual like 'I hope you're not planning strippers!'. H2b should be respecting your wishes or maybe he really wants them after all but soesn't want to tell you?

Lastly, you seldom hear good things when you eavesdrop, and the same goes for reading other ppl's emails, I agree with the other girls about trust issues

Mel x
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#15 **Pookie**

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Posted 14 July 2009 - 11:49 AM

QUOTE(Melamoo @ Jun 27 2009, 11:10 PM) View Post


I love H2B and trust him 100%, I just think its disrespectful, degrading and kinda like cheating to go watch a stripper when your in an intimate relationship and about to get married.



I agree, 100%. Well said. I dont think you're being silly at all. Seeing strippers is a bit tacky and unecessary.

A few years ago, I just thought it was mandatory for the bucks party to do so...and same for the hen's party. However, now a days, I have NO desire to see a male stripper (on my hen's night). I think I would find it offensive!

I know H2B feels the same - he has already told me that he has no interest in seeing strippers and would like to play golf and have a nice dinner with his brother (bestman) and male friends/relatives. His best man is his brother who is very respectful, so I know there wont be any strippers.

Hang in there hun.
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