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School Bully problem


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#1 Crelb

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Posted 30 March 2009 - 05:17 PM

Sorry its very long.....

At the start of this year a new boy started at my sons school. Lachlan being the friendly but quiet kid he is befriended this little boy and showed him around etc.
After about 2 weeks lachie came home and said he didnt want to be Ts friend because he keeps geting in trouble and lachie didnt want the teachers to think he was a naughty kid.

A few days later I get a msg on facebook (Ts mum added me as a friend because I went to school with her hubby and she went to school with mine) This message was saying "T is very upset that lachie doesnt want to be his friend and can he have another chance"
Lachlan and I spoke about it and he reluctantly said he would be friends.
In that next week I kept hearing stories of T one moment being fine the next turning on Lachie, Pushing ,Kicking,swearing even one day pushing his face into the sand. I told lachie then to stay away from him and tell a teacher. I also spoke to his class teacher and was told it would be delt with and also that Lachie needs to learn "resiliance"(sp?)

Fast forward to last week, I help in lachies class and this boy came to me to ask me to get Lachie to stop calling him "thomas the tank". I maybe said what I shouldnt have and let him know nicely that yes I would and also I am not happy about the scratches Lachie has been getting etc. I went on to say Lachies Dad is about to go see the principal about it if it didnt stop. He said then if Lachie stopped so would he.

I made Lachlan promise me he wouldnt, and after a bit of convincing he agreed not to call him names.

Today lachie came home to tell me about another incident. Apparently Lach was playing when T and another kid came up to him with sticks, started hitting kicking and swearing etc. Luckly my daughter was nearby and her and a friend came to Lachs rescue. With this the boys ran to the other side of the school.
Emily took Lachie to the teacher on duty and they were told Mr Anderson (principal) was at the other side of the school yard and to go tell Him... WTF? thats where this boy ran to???

Anyway the prinipal has apparently delt with it and lahie was also called to the office and was told not to call T names?
I have asked Lachlan and I am very confidant he hasnt since he promised me.

I am planning to go to the school in the morning to be sure this is delt with and that my son is going to be safe

So anyways my question is......

Would you take it to the school or try and confront his mother personally via facebook? I do also have her mobil number but I dont think I could talk to her without her getting agro.

Thanks for reading all this
Renee


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#2 Puggie

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Posted 30 March 2009 - 05:35 PM

Sounds to me like there is a hell of a lot of he said/he said going on. You believe what your son is telling you, and it sounds like she does too...

I would be inclined to ring her. Calmly. Tell her you're aware something's going on between your boys, and you'd like to hear what she's being told. You can then relate what you're being told, and between you I suspect you'll be able to work out what is likely happening and act accordingly.

Screaming at another parent who is probably just as trusting and just as inclined to believe what their child is saying achieves nothing. It's quite possible your son IS being bullied. Or that he is actually the one bullying. Or, perhaps, it's two boys trying to use their (immature) coping skills to negotiate a friendship or a distancing from same. Kids don't necessarily understand 'we used to be good mates but now we'll just let things cool off'. Maybe the two of them need adult help negotiating this change in circumstances?

In any case, 2 mature adults discussing the situation without blame etc. is likely to result in a far better outcome for the boys than school teachers taking a mediocre and conciliatory approach to both parties (being too worried about setting an individual parent off).

Just my thoughts.

#3 Crelb

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Posted 30 March 2009 - 05:43 PM

Thanks Puggie that makes a lot of sence.

I still dont know if I could ring, she is very hot headed and I would hate to set her off. T was actully expelled from the last school for attacking a teacher (apparently?) and she seemed to blow it all off with a laugh.

If it were any other mum I wouldnt hessitate
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#4 * MsSassy *

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Posted 30 March 2009 - 07:57 PM

I agree with Puggie.

My son is very close friends with a boy up the road. However, they will often have tiffs and fall out with one another with it sometimes turning a bit nasty.

However my stance is to not interfere per say, but recommend to DS what he should do in nasty situations such as walking away or just telling him that he doesn't want to play with him because he is being mean. We are also good friends with DS's mum and are lucky that we both understand that at times kids will be kids. They may tell us that they're not doing something, when really they are and are just avoiding getting in trouble from their parents, so while mummy instincts always say to take what you kids say as the truth, always keep in the back of your mind that they may not be as well.

On the otherhand in your situation I would be inclinded to talk to the school. I would make them aware of the situation but also say that you want to work with them to help sort the situation and also speak with Lachie's teacher so she can keep an eye out as well.

#5 Arial

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Posted 30 March 2009 - 08:25 PM

If you don't feel comfortable talking to the other mother that is unfortunate as I honestly believe that would be a great way to resolve the conflict.
As Puggie said there seems to be a fair bit of he said she said. You and this other mum are getting different stories from your respective children and both backing your own (fair enough). Because you are feeling uncomfortable speaking to this mum (fair enough), I would discuss a mediation strategy with the classroom teacher. They may or may not choose to involve leadership but if you would like leadership involved you can ask if they can attend as well. I encourage you to involve the boys teacher though, as they are the person who is most likely seeing or hearing the most about it. I had a situation once in my grade where a child was excluding another or changing rules of games, the other child would get angry and so the first child would want to exclude them more. Both children were blaming the other to the parents and it took two weeks of constant talking and negotiating to sort it out but we got there. smile.gif
I guess the point of my (long winded) post is to try and work with your teacher to resolve what is happening.
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#6 Crelb

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Posted 31 March 2009 - 06:06 AM

Thank you all for your replies.
Craig and I spoke a lot about his last niht and he is even comming to the school with me this morning.
We are not going to yell and scream we are going to make sure our son is in a safe enviroment.

I am all for the "kids will be kids" and let them sort it out but when it comes to being attacked with sticks is where I am drawing the line.

Thank you all
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#7 Nadine

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Posted 31 March 2009 - 06:17 AM

I have to say that if it is happening in the school yard it is a school matter - by that I mean I think you would be better to notify the teacher and the principal and deal with it together.

Taking matters into your own hands - speaking to the parents - does not always turn out well.

I would definately be involved in the mediation at school, but I think being that it is happening in the school yard the school need to know and help deal with it.

#8 indigo

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Posted 31 March 2009 - 06:46 AM

Ren, I think you are handling it the best way possible in light of the other mother being possibly unreasonable.
The classroom teacher generally has a good understanding of the situation and can monitor any future behaviour, especially if all parties are brought in for a conference.

Education is partnership between parents, child and teacher. Working together is a good way to help facilitate change. I also like that you're going to the teacher. It infuriates the best teachers to hear of parents going straight over their heads to the principal for obvious reasons.
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#9 Crelb

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Posted 31 March 2009 - 07:36 AM

Well I just got home and feel this matter is just going to be swept under the carpet.
Lachie is being accused of taunting him and calling him names. I understand he was calling him names but I honestly believe its stopped. As for Lachie taunting him and getting him angry, anyone who knows my son will know he wouldnt have it in him.
I may sound like a typical parent saying my son does no wrong, I know he does , he just isnt upfront enough to do this.
If lachie comes home today with more cuts,scratches or briuses I will go nuts!
I feel I am leaving my son in an enviroment that he feels very unsafe
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#10 indigo

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Posted 31 March 2009 - 05:10 PM

sad.gif I am sad to hear this.

Perhaps an idea would be when he gets home of a night, to get him to talk about any incidents that happen on that day and document them for possible future evidence if it continues.
By discussing them with him and asking open-ended questions about solutions, it may also help him build resilience too, however I would make sure you don't turn it into a fixation and build it into something bigger than Ben Hur, or as a means to get attention from mum.

Open-ended questions such as 'how do you think you could have handled it better?' 'What strategies can you put in place if you think you're about to be teased?' can lead to him thinking of plans to avert the bullying or to become more resilient. It is also important to teach him the benefit of not making the other boy get riled up. He could be inadvertently doing it, so it would be of benefit to find out exactly what his actions are when confronted.
You may also be able to teach him phrases that may allow the other child to calm down and to back off.

I know that these things seem less than what you were hoping, but by talking about it and working out strategies, it may help him become a stronger, more resilient person who can overcome in his own terms. By all means, if it persists at a serious level, you keep telling the teacher too, but in the meanwhile, it would benefit him to know there are things that he has control over, and that he can do himself to help the problem.

Good luck and I hope that it resolves itself soon. sad.gif
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#11 Bethmd

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Posted 19 April 2009 - 10:06 AM

I was going to suggest to go to the school over it seen as it is happening at school but then I read that you felt it was being swept under the rug.
What has happened since your last post?

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#12 indigo

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Posted 19 April 2009 - 03:02 PM

Beth, I'm glad you brought this back up, I was wondering too how you went Ren, although I know you've got so much on your plate at the moment. sad.gif
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