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Huge Future In-Law Problem


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#1 allmydreams

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Posted 19 November 2008 - 08:43 AM

Hi everyone,

This is going to be a long one as it takes a bit of explaining! But my question of course, is Should I invite them?

My fiance and I met 18 months ago, and from the first day his parents and sisters (2) have been actively trying to get rid of me. The reason they dislike me is because Im not Ukranian, and Im 4 years older than he is (Im 29 he is 25). Things only got worse when they found out I have 2 kids.
They are constantly telling him to leave me, that Im only after his money (mind you he still lives at home, while i have my own flat, car, and everything inbetween!). They call me names, use your imagination, the worst you can come up with is what they call me. His sister even tried to tell him that she had "a friend who knows this girl who knows my ex" (grade 6 anyone?) and Im a drug dealer and drug addict, oh and Im also cheating on him.
They threaten to kick him out of home or change the locks when he stays overnight at my place, or doesnt join in their "family dinners" which happen 6 nights a week.
They have gone as far as inviting several other girls to these dinners and trying to set him up with them, they sms him girls phone numbers while he is with me, saying things like "heres so and so's number, give her a call, she wants to go out with you". They send him nasty msgs "why are you with that s**t, you should be at home with your family" and stuff like that.
On our 1 year anniversary they demanded he have dinner with them as his mother had decided to throw an engagement dinner for his sister,(it was only to be his parents 2 sisters and the fiance) who had become engaged 2 months earlier and not wanted an engagement party, on the spur of the moment. His sister told him he wouldnt be in her wedding if he didnt come, so he was left with the choice of ditching me on our anniversary we had been planning for a month ( dinner and a hotel room), or going to the dinner that they decided to have 20 minutes before he left to pick me up. He chose me (thank god). But they have made his existance hell since then.

I have to add that he is a very shy, and timid person, one of those people who cant say no to anyone for fear of hurting them. His family are VERY domineering and demanding ( he wasnt allowed to attend his best mates engagement party, even though he was best man, because his sister was pregnant and due the same weekend, so she demanded he stay home in case she had the baby!! Not that he was involved in the birth as a support or anything.)

He wants to invite them to the engagement and wedding, but Im completely against it, why should I invite people who are actively trying to break us up? They dont want us to be together so why do they want to attend a ceremony uniting us? And why should I be uncomfortable on MY wedding day because they are there?

Just so you know, I have never met them as they dont want to know me, FH wanted us to sit down and sort things out, as much as I didnt want to I agreed..... they turned around and said they dont want to know me. I have tried once, dont see why I should try again, when I have done nothing wrong by them, or their son.


Sorry its so long people! I just wanted to get it all out so people can understand why I dont want them at the wedding!



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#2 lil chicken

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Posted 19 November 2008 - 08:59 AM

What a toughy! I guess if they haven't even made an effort to meet you and are totally against you being with their brother/son you would wonder why they would WANT to go to your wedding?

I think this will come down to if you FH is prepared to cut them out of his life completely...if he is then don't invite them but he needs to be prepared he may never see them again...if he's not then you'll need to realise if you marry him you're marrying his family too, and set some ground rules FAST!

good luck, I hope it all works out for you.
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#3 JuicyLife

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Posted 19 November 2008 - 09:21 AM

Agreed, this is tough!

My first question is, what does your FH want to do?

My MIL didn't attend our wedding (I'm Catholic, hubby's a "nothing", Catholic wedding, MIL's a JW and won't come into a Catholic church). I offered to hubby to change the venue, to try and work with MIL. But he didn't want to, he was happy with the Catholic wedding. I had to just step back, let him make that call and support his decision. At the end of the day, it's his mum, so it's his decision.

What I'm trying to say is that this is also (IMHO) your FH's family, so it’s his decision to make (in consultation with you, of course!). I think that you “meddle” in this, and he makes a decision he later regrets, he may well blame you for it and you’ll rue the day you “meddled”. I think its best to stay out of it, stay neutral and supportive ... and at the end of the day, he'll probably make the decision that is most supportive of both of you and your relationship ... after all, when you get married, two become one, and you leave your family to start a new one.

Best of luck smile.gif

#4 Maxi

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Posted 19 November 2008 - 09:32 AM

It is a tough situation and I don't envy you.

I really think your fiance needs to stand up to his family. You say he doesn't want to hurt anyone, but you are hurting by his inaction.

QUOTE(allmydreams @ Nov 19 2008, 09:43 AM) View Post

And why should I be uncomfortable on MY wedding day because they are there?

One thing to keep in mind is it's not "MY day", it's "OUR day". And while it is only a day, the decisions you make about that day will impact on you for the rest of your married life.
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#5 HoneySoyChicken

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Posted 19 November 2008 - 09:49 AM

It sounds like a horrible situation to be in!
Like Cray said, this is his family and ultimately he is the one who should have to deal with them (even though I understand how frustrating it must be for you to sit by and not see any dealing-with) going on.
Perhaps before the wedding you could both go and see a counselor (not because of any issues with each other) and ask them for advice on how to deal with his family a bit better, and some coping strategis that you could use when they say those horrible things- because it doesn't sound like they are going to change any time soon. There is also this awesome book called Toxic In-Laws that I bought which is helping me deal with my future in-laws!

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#6 Leapstar

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Posted 19 November 2008 - 10:02 AM

Personally I would be the same as you and not want them there, but for good or for bad they are his family.

Also bear in mind that if you refuse to let them come to the wedding you are not only going to give them further ammunition against you, but will also in thier minds only cement their opinion of you as a bad person.

I think this is one of those situations where you have to rise above and be the bigger better person. Leave it up to your fiance as to whether he wants his family there and maybe by you doing so and his family comes it may be the first step in helping them revise thier opinion of you for the better.

Best of luck! biggrin.gif

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#7 allmydreams

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Posted 19 November 2008 - 10:55 AM

Thanks for your replies smile.gif

I havent told him that they arent allowed to attend.. they are actually on the guestlist, I have told him that I dont want them there and my reasons why, small difference I do realise, but I havent put my foot down.
I try my best to be diplomatic about it all,I dont tell him he cant go, or give him a hard time about it, he does attend most of his family functions, although there has been arguments with them about the fact that Im never invited, he told me to come along once and once I was there it would just be bad luck for them..... uh, no thanks!!
I dont meddle with the descisions he makes in regard to his family... I would LOVE to tell him to cut them out completely, or even repeat what they say about me, back to them. Ultimately I choose to act like a civil adult and not get into any sort of slanging match with them, people like that arent worth my time.

He wants his parents there, but not his sisters, Im not quite sure why as I havent asked him, I try not to bring it up because its a hard situation for both of us.. Im sure he will tell me when he is ready.

We have discussed what the future will hold in this situation, he acknowledges that there will never be "normalcy" in our marriage with them. Unfortunately its out of my hands, I tried and its their choice not to get to know me. FH can see that, and thankfully his mates are on my side, so when they say to him that his mother is being a b***h, I secretly rejoice inside, I never have top say a word!


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#8 emma-lou

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Posted 19 November 2008 - 11:05 AM

This is just horrible, i am sorry to hear that you are going through this.

I had a similar (no way near as bad) situation with my future in-laws, and I spoke to my FH and told him how I felt about everything and let him know that I am leaving it up to him to deal with. I would love to have their support (wouldn't everyone) and have them with you both on your day. Its up to them to support their son, or please don't come.

If you ask FH to speak to them and let them know that they are hurting you both, and that you want them to be there for you both, and they need to realise that he is going to marry you regardless. As Lil Chicken said, they may loose him completely but he has to realise this first.

Best of Luck!! smile.gif


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#9 nephthys

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Posted 19 November 2008 - 11:29 AM

QUOTE(Leapstar @ Nov 19 2008, 11:02 AM) View Post

Personally I would be the same as you and not want them there, but for good or for bad they are his family.

Also bear in mind that if you refuse to let them come to the wedding you are not only going to give them further ammunition against you, but will also in thier minds only cement their opinion of you as a bad person.

I think this is one of those situations where you have to rise above and be the bigger better person. Leave it up to your fiance as to whether he wants his family there and maybe by you doing so and his family comes it may be the first step in helping them revise thier opinion of you for the better.

Best of luck! biggrin.gif

This is exactly what I was thinking when I read your post. It sounds like you are being the bigger person here and good on you for trying your best to rise above their pettiness.

At least an invite would keep them quiet and on the wedding day, you'll be so wrapped up in the experience, chances are you'll hardly notice them (table at the back anyone?). My other immediate thought was to elope, but that probably isn't what you want.

I feel for your H2B, it sounds like he's been hen-pecked his whole life. I'm sorry you're in this situation.
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#10 Smooch

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Posted 19 November 2008 - 11:36 AM

I honestly can't see anything positive about the whole situation. I realise that you love him and he loves you, but he isn't standing up to his family.

I know if my family spoke like this of my husband (or fiance) that I would be cutting them out of my life. How dare they!

Why doesn't he move in with you now? Can he live with you now? He needs to show some independance from them. It's almost like he is living two lives.

Something doesn't sound right to me!

#11 allmydreams

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Posted 19 November 2008 - 12:09 PM

QUOTE(Smooch @ Nov 19 2008, 12:36 PM) View Post

I honestly can't see anything positive about the whole situation. I realise that you love him and he loves you, but he isn't standing up to his family.

I know if my family spoke like this of my husband (or fiance) that I would be cutting them out of my life. How dare they!

Why doesn't he move in with you now? Can he live with you now? He needs to show some independance from them. It's almost like he is living two lives.

Something doesn't sound right to me!



This is EXACTLY how I feel Smooch, and Ive said these exact words to him myself, especially about the two lives, I dont exist in his other world unless its to say nasty things.
We are in discussion about him moving in at the moment, so thats a positive! I have been hesitant because I was never sure about our relationships staying power, but now that we are getting married its put my niggling fears to rest. And the fact that he wants kids... like right now! But its not happening till after the wedding heheh


Thanks nephthys, I am being the bigger person... well on the outside anyway! Inside I can call them all the names I like tongue.gif Ive had fantasies about the engagement speech ( I would like to make one) where I thanks everyone for being here, and supporting us, and to the people whol tried to stop this day F you all very much!
It will never happen, but gee its funny to play it out in my head!
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#12 indigo

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Posted 19 November 2008 - 04:17 PM

I think that unfortunately you have to be the bigger person, even if that does feel like swallowing some of your pride, even though you have done nothing wrong.

If it were me I would actually appear on their doorstep one day before the wedding and the first thing out of my mouth would be "I came in the hopes that we could work this out because after all, each of us love **** and I think it is only fair of us to try for his sake".

You will probably get the door slammed in your face, yes, but at least you can then say that you've tried EVERYTHING and you will have better grounds to cut them off later.
Right now, they just think of you as the 'girl that stole their son' but if they have met you and THEN rejected you, then it is THEM that is CLEARLY in the wrong. I'm just a big one for covering all bases so it doesn't bite me later IYKWIM?

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. I hope that they at least behave at your wedding. It just shouldn't be an issue. mad.gif
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#13 chelley

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Posted 19 November 2008 - 04:29 PM

ELOPE!!!!

This is just so sad. You are involved in a power struggle that you shouldn't even have to be engaged in.

I have the ILs from hell - and not to scare you off but my situation has only gotten worse, not better. Hubby and I are actually going to see a counsellor to help deal with them because even though our relationship is rock solid - it does take a toll and constantly being the "bigger person" wears thin after a while.

I agree something is not right - why is he not refusing to attend if you are not invited. Why are you not living together already? Have you been together long - only asking how long his parents and family have had to get used to the idea.

When his family SMS him names of other women, it isn't really disrespecting you (well it is) but ultimately it is showing they can't respect his decisions and think he has poor decision making ability - has he put it to them like that?

Once he is married to you and you are connected to his family, your children also get tangled up in his families bad behaviour - what is his response to that.

Have you tried writing them a letter so that they are not put on the spot and therefore go into attack mode?

I can empathise - I do not envy you at all. You really are in a difficult situation. My ILs behaved badly before we were married and are still continuing.

We did invite them to our engagement party and my FIL made such rude comments on the video message that we haven't been able to show the video to anyone. Just be warned - some people are not beyond embarassing themselves on your special day to get their message across
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#14 allmydreams

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 11:10 AM

I have been away from this place for so long! Thought Id pop back and give an update now that we are happily married!

DH and I did move in together not long after that last post, it fixed a few of the problems but not all. I had his sister and her husband come banging on my door at 10.30pm one Sunday night, after they had gone prying through his bedroom and found a 6 month old receipt from a car rental I had payed for during and interstate trip. I went to the police after that.
Unfortunately things got worse when I tried to fix things. I picked up the phone (as much as I didnt want to do it and hated myself to the core, I loved DH enough to put my own feelings aside on our wedding day) and called his parents and asked if we could sort things out before the wedding which was still 3 months away. We went over there one night to talk, they were rude, demanding and standing by everything their daughter has concocted in her head. They told us to cancel the wedding and they would reimburse us the deposit. This was a perfectly acceptable request to them, but if you ask them now.. apparently they never said such a thing, they only "asked us to consider postponing it". Guess DH and I have the same hearing difficulties.
They were still invited at this stage, as much as I hated the idea. I couldnt bear the thought of DH hurting on our wedding day so I swallowed my pride and let it be. Until we received an "acceptance" in the mail... one that was bought from a newsagent, that was "accepting our invitation " on behalf of them and his sisters families... who weren't invited by choice of DH.
Then I get a nasty call from his mother, who demanded she get to invite whoever she wants. When I told her no, she said to me "You probably don't want me there either"... I was honest and said no. She called me a name and hung up on me. Then I had several nasty messages left on my voicemail while I was at work.
We find out through DHs cousins (who were all invited,) that his sister was planning to show up at the church and ruin our day. And that none of his family were coming now. Fine by me! We saved over $1200!
We had to employ security to attend our wedding, the police couldn't do anything unless they had already showed up.

Things have gotten progressively worse now, we have moved and told none of them where, DH is getting a new phone number and work number, but the internet is still a useful harassment tool and as a result of the last few weeks, we have a court date coming up fast for an protection order for harassment and stalking.

I honestly wish I had put my foot down way back then!! I guess I had to let DH learn the hard way that they would never let him live his life in peace.
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#15 nephthys

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 11:17 AM

Goodness me! How appalling they've continued to behave so badly. Okay, so they don't like you - fair enough. But to continue such childish, destructive games? Very bad form. Adults learn to shut up and put on a brave face if they don't like the partner of someone, but I guess that sort of etiquette is lost on some people.

It's wonderful your husband is standing by you and I'm sorry to hear you've had to hide your whereabouts and that it's now going to court. I hope you have a happy life together. smile.gif
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