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How soon is too soon


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#1 almost there...

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Posted 19 September 2008 - 09:55 PM

I thought this was an interesting topic when it came up in our singles thread the other day. Once you've left one relationship how soon is to soon to get involved with someone else?

I think its obvious this is going to be different for everyone, but what do you think?

I personally think that generally there is a time immediately after the break-up where it is kind of insensitive to get a new boy/girlfriend, but at the end of the day if it's over its over. IYKWIM?

My ex and I broke up in March. And although I feel like that was ages ago, and I'm moving on and I'm over it, and I was seeing a new guy for a few weeks, I still feel like its to soon for me to be in another serious relationship. Sometimes I wonder as well what other people would think if I was to get a new boyfriend. I really dont know when I will be ready, but at the end of the day it will come down to how I feel, not what everyone else thinks.

On the other hand, my best friend broke up with her boyfriend of a year, went out that night and met a guy, and by that time the next week they were a couple. They've now been together for two years and they are a perfect match and both seem to be happy.

I'm not asking for any advice, I'm just curious about other peoples thoughts on this?

I'm also not here to judge. I'm an open minded person smile.gif
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#2 Emtree

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Posted 19 September 2008 - 09:59 PM

It depends on the situatuation.

I broke up with my ex in Aug, meet my now hubby end of Sept, saw ex again beginning Oct and then started dating hubby the next day.
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#3 **Gen**

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Posted 19 September 2008 - 10:05 PM

It obviously depends on the situation and how serious the first relationship was... BUT... I think it's important that you give yourself enough time to rediscover yourself and start to heal any issues that arose during the relationship.

Does that make any sense at all?
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#4 almost there...

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Posted 19 September 2008 - 10:06 PM

QUOTE(**Gen** @ Sep 19 2008, 09:35 PM) View Post

It obviously depends on the situation and how serious the first relationship was... BUT... I think it's important that you give yourself enough time to rediscover yourself and start to heal any issues that arose during the relationship.

Does that make any sense at all?



Yes it does make sense! This is exactly how I feel..
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#5 bats

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Posted 19 September 2008 - 10:22 PM

I think another factor is was the realtionship over before it offically ended, if that makes sense

You know you get to that point where you both know its not working and you make each other miserable, but you havent actually said the words outloud?

If that happens it might not take as long to move on, cause it was over for a while anyway

Just thinking outloud
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Posted 19 September 2008 - 11:19 PM

QUOTE(bats @ Sep 19 2008, 09:52 PM) View Post

I think another factor is was the realtionship over before it offically ended, if that makes sense

You know you get to that point where you both know its not working and you make each other miserable, but you havent actually said the words outloud?

If that happens it might not take as long to move on, cause it was over for a while anyway

Just thinking outloud


I think this is how it was for my mentioned friend. Her heart clearly wasnt in it towards the end of their relationship... and this is the only way I can imagine that she was able to move on so soon.
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#7 * Kylie *

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Posted 20 September 2008 - 11:28 AM

My ex fiance was dating another person within 6 weeks of us breaking up. He found some random girl on line and started seeing her. I personally found it incredibly disrespectful, especially since our breakup was a complete surprise to both of us. I also thought it made him look incredibly desperate.

For me personally, I am not a fan of lots of short relationships. The next relationship I go into basically I want it to be the last one. Therefore, I have tried to spend the last year working on myself, learning more and more about successful relationships so that the next guy is not punished for the mistakes of the last one.

In saying that it's different for everyone of course, the length of the previous relationship, the level of seriousness and your age I think are all factors.
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#8 **Gen**

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Posted 20 September 2008 - 06:07 PM

QUOTE(* Kylie * @ Sep 20 2008, 11:28 AM) View Post

I have tried to spend the last year working on myself, learning more and more about successful relationships so that the next guy is not punished for the mistakes of the last one.



Kylie that was exactly what I was trying to say!
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#9 MsGems

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Posted 20 September 2008 - 06:17 PM

It really does depend on the situation.

I broke up with a guy I'd been in a relationship with for 2.5 years, and starting dating my ex the next day. We were together for a little over 5 years (so it must've worked for a while).

After separating from him, it was a time of discovery. I'm so glad I took that time to learn to stand on my own two feet and fend for myself. Eight months later (just realised, almost to the day .. how odd blink.gif) I was a completely different person and started dating S. Ten months later, I'm still changing and I'm still that strong independent woman, but he appreciates that and this relationship is definitely a keeper!
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#10 afterglow

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Posted 20 September 2008 - 06:44 PM

QUOTE(MsGems @ Sep 20 2008, 06:17 PM) View Post

After separating from him, it was a time of discovery. I'm so glad I took that time to learn to stand on my own two feet and fend for myself. Eight months later (just realised, almost to the day .. how odd blink.gif) I was a completely different person and started dating S. Ten months later, I'm still changing and I'm still that strong independent woman, but he appreciates that and this relationship is definitely a keeper!

I read this thread, and planned to make a post almost exactly the same as Gemma's.

I too was with my ex for 5 years, and came out of that relationship a different person to the one I was when it began. I vowed to myself then and there that I wouldn't let anyone treat me like that ever again, that I wouldn't ever let someone turn me into who they wanted me to be, and that I would be true to myself no matter what.

That is easier said than done though, it took me a while to actually find myself again and make myself believe that I was worth it. I had a couple of short relationships but until I started seeing my husband I hadn't found anyone that I wanted to be with or who lived up to the standards that I set for myself.

Like others have said, it is important to get rid of the baggage that you come out of a relationship with, before starting a new one.... and that time will be different for everyone.

#11 *Ali*

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Posted 21 September 2008 - 09:19 PM

I really don't think you can put a time frame on it. I think it has alot to do with how you feel, and whether you feel ready or not.

I've been single for 2 years now (minus 3 months of seeing someone) and I honestly think I'm only just ready now. But, I have had a long journey to get where I am and to love myself enough to allow myself what I deserve. And I needed that time.

I also agree with bats, if the relationship was emotionally over before it was officially over, then there isn't as much love left to move on from, which makes it easier I think.

I also think there is a difference between moving on and being ready for a new relationship. I've moved on (heck I was moved on before I had moved out laugh.gif) but it's taken a while to be ready for someone new, if that makes sense.

Someday everything will all make perfect sense... So for now laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason...

#12 Vik

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Posted 30 September 2008 - 05:22 PM

Mrs F, I totally subscribe to the "whole" theory.

Entering into a relationship when one isn't "whole" is always going to be an uphill battle. Looking for another person to fill the "holes" isn't the answer, there are only some holes that can be filled by you, and no one else.

I absolutely support the concept of entering into a relationship as a "whole" person.
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#13 Miss_Lisa

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Posted 30 September 2008 - 05:24 PM

QUOTE(bats @ Sep 19 2008, 11:22 PM) View Post

I think another factor is was the realtionship over before it offically ended, if that makes sense

You know you get to that point where you both know its not working and you make each other miserable, but you havent actually said the words outloud?

Absolutely! I was with my ex for 3 1/2 years, but for the last few months of the relationship, we were holding onto something that we both knew was over. I did a lot of grieving in that time, so by the actual day of the breakup I hardly cried, and felt more a bittersweet relief.

He and I broke up on New Years Day 2000, hubby and I got together 23rd Feb 2000, so not very long at all and it was VERY controversial (hubby and ex are good friends). But hey, over 8 years later and still going strong, it really worked for us smile.gif

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#14 almost there...

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Posted 02 October 2008 - 12:16 PM

I originally started this thread not looking for advice, but more as a discussion. Today I found myself coming back for advice, as I'm starting to feel a little lonely in my single life.

QUOTE(afterglow @ Sep 20 2008, 06:14 PM) View Post

I had a couple of short relationships but until I started seeing my husband I hadn't found anyone that I wanted to be with or who lived up to the standards that I set for myself.


I think this is so important, to set yourself standards and not just take whatever you can get because you need company. I think I had this problem. Before my most recent ex I would kind of go from boyfriend to boyfriend just because I hated being on my own, and because of this I went out with some real duds who either hurt me, or I ended up having no respect for and I hurt them.

After my last ex I am really scared of getting hurt again, and I keep reminding myself that the easiest way for that to happen is if I settle for anything less then what I want in a guy, or if I choose to ignore traits I dislike just for the sake of being with someone.

Thank you so much Miss F and Vik. What you have both said about needing to be 'whole' has really hit home for me. I think perhaps I used to find some else to fill the hole, but it was just a quick fix. I have said that I'm going to take some time out to focus on myself, do a bit of self discovery and just get to know myself again, without having anyone else to worry about. I have always said this, but I guess have never really understood why. This really gives me something to keep myself on track, and to remind myself that I do need time to heel myself. I don't really know if this is making much sense or what I am trying to say, but thank you for bringing this up.

As soon as Ex and I broke up I filled my life with new friends and my social life became incredibly busy. Don't get me wrong, it was great to have new exciting people to hang out with and they are a great bunch. But I have found myself relying on them to much because I just dont want to be alone. I think I am finally starting to understand that it IS okay for me to be alone, and it IS okay for me to spend time with myself. It is hard and I get lonely and sometimes I even find myself crying and not knowing why, But thats all okay too.

I know there will be days when I forget all this and start feeling sorry for myself and thinking how horrible my life is. Thats why I am so greatful to have this place to come to full of these beautiful, amazing and supportive women.

I didnt mean for this post to get so emotional or soppy, but I feel like I've made a bit of a brake through today. Thanks so much everyone for your replies, advice and support, not just in here but in general.
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#15 Domestic Dreamer

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Posted 17 March 2009 - 03:41 PM

This was a timely read. Thank you for your insights.




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