Jump to content


Photo

My mum doesn't want me to get married


  • Please log in to reply
12 replies to this topic

#1 *Tori*

*Tori*

    Centurion

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,460 posts

Posted 29 July 2008 - 05:33 PM

Hi,

I'm having difficulties with my mother. We've always been very close, she's done a lot for me and always been there for me. I'm almost 24. She loves my h2b, she loves me. But she married at 19 and hated her wedding and has hated weddings ever since. I dont know exactly what her problem with weddings is... but it is heaps bigger than I thought.
Ever since I got engaged its been comment after comment:
I tell her he proposed, she says "you said no right?"
I've had:
"can't you just be friends?"
"can't you just stay engaged?"
"you should break up with him"
"he is to good for her" - she says this to heaps of random strangers.

Everything is a waste of money.
She wont let me tell her about the reception venue we are looking at booking.
and at our engagement party when we were preparing for speeches, she refused to do one because she "had nothing positive to say about the situation"

She assumes I'm after money when I just want to show her something, and she never has anything positive to say when she does get to see it.

My friend says she told her that she is worried that I'll get hurt. I've known my h2b for 7 years and we've been dating for over 3 years, and the wedding isnt until 2010, so it's not like we are working at break neck speed.

I feel helpless, she wont have a bar of it, but I want my mum to be involved.

Dad says she still needs a few months. Its already been four.

#2 Lizzie1

Lizzie1

    Frequent Poster

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 730 posts

Posted 29 July 2008 - 05:46 PM

Wow that a tough one!
Is there some reason, or something she doesn't like about your partner? Have you always been happy together and not had problems?

I'm only asking because if my mum was so dead set about me getting married to someone I know there'd be a good reason for it, like I had doubts about the relationship, or he was abusive or something. I'm sure you mum wants the best for you and for you to be happy.
<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb1f.lilypie....om/wI0rp11.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie First Birthday tickers" /></a>

#3 Keir

Keir

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 12,233 posts

Posted 29 July 2008 - 05:48 PM

My mother wasn't exactly the same, however she wasn't really interested in hearing about my plans, didn't seem to care either way but really wished we weren't spending money on a wedding.

I IGNORED her. I knew that marrying my DH was what I wanted, the best thing I could do, that I loved him, and nothing she said or did made me think otherwise.

If my mother had've been telling people that he was too good for me - I'd be sitting down with her and having a long talk about our relationship - that is not a healthy thing to be telling you, and certainly not a nice thing to be telling other people.

Sometimes mothers have to be reminded that being supportive is what you want most from them.

#4 tianakaesha

tianakaesha

    Token Urban Hippy

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,637 posts

Posted 29 July 2008 - 05:54 PM

I would simply tell your mother that you understand she is worried you are going to get hurt, but the only person hurting you at the moment is her. If she wishes you to continue to be happy she can either be part of this wedding or not, but tell you up front because it's too hurtful spending energy on someone who is sucking the joy out of such an important life moment.

You want her to be involved but understand that HER issues are causing HER pain and that for your self preservation you need her to realise this now before you get too hurt in the future
IPB Image

#5 ***Jo***

***Jo***

    Go team Spillane....

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,997 posts

Posted 29 July 2008 - 05:57 PM

Tori I am sorry your mum is like this.

And you know what? Its not unusual. She's projecting her feelings about her own marriage onto you and that is not fair. Also, she's probably scared of letting you go and grow up.

You may even find by the the time the wedding comes around she would have warmed to the idea and all will be ok. Some people are just very bad at change.

My mum didn't speak to me for a few weeks after we got engaged. She was having a hard time letting me get on with my life and she repeated the exact same behaviour that HER mother did with her when she got engaged to my dad. What should have been a happy time was really quite awful and I remember being so upset. However, by the time the wedding came around, she was the happiest I had ever seen her.

This is about you and creating your own life with your FH. Sit her down, be firm but tell her this is what is happening and she will need to accept it. It would be lovely to have her support, but give it time. I found my mum's older sister was a great support to me during my engagement and then closer to the wedding mum was ok again.

Good luck!



IPB Image



<a href="http://www.thebump.c...n=tickers"><img src="http://global.thebum...s/tt4f03e.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0" /></a>


<a href="http://www.thebump.c...mpaign=tickers" title="Trying to Conceive"><img src="http://global.thebum.../tt13f847.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0" /></a>


My new blog: bringinghomethebacon-jo.blogspot.com

#6 Hope

Hope

    Going to Bonnie Doooon

  • Unwelcome User
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,272 posts

Posted 29 July 2008 - 06:20 PM

That is aweful..

My mother is also a far less extreme version of yours and they tend to think you life will end up just like thiers. She always is the first person to say stupid people whenever someone gets engaged and commented alot on our age when we will be married (will both be almost 23, which I know is young, my mum married at 18 I was born when she was 17) I ignored her, it is OUR decision when WE marry and has nothing to do with anyone else. She started getting upset as I wasn't including her in my planning so she seems to have gotten the hint now. She now seems really happy with our decision and often comments on how happy she has realised we are in spending more time with us during the wedding planning.

Whenever your mum makes a comment I would simply say.. " so is it YOU getting married is it?" and tell her you won't bother asking her opinions anymore and will go to someone who is happy for you. She might realise what she is missing out on and start to open her eyes and mind. Goodluck smile.gif
<a href="http://daisypath.com/"><img src="http://davf.daisypat...om/KAhmp11.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Daisypath Anniversary tickers" /></a>


#7 la_jeune_mariée

la_jeune_mariée

    Turning paychecks into wine.

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,494 posts

Posted 29 July 2008 - 06:42 PM

Ouch!

Kir does give wonderful advice. Our parents sometimes do need reminding of our feelings and expectations. Just as we sometimes forget that our mothers are flawed humans capable of the same stupid mistakes we are, our Mothers sometimes forget that we aren't children anymore.

I've recently opened up communication with my mother, who sounds like a less extreme version of yours, with some success. Good luck.
"The less justified a man is in claiming excellence for his own self, the more ready he is to claim excellence for his nation, his religion, his race or his holy cause." - Eric Hoffer


#8 *Tori*

*Tori*

    Centurion

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,460 posts

Posted 03 August 2008 - 11:08 PM

QUOTE(***Jo*** @ Jul 29 2008, 05:57 PM) View Post


And you know what? Its not unusual. She's projecting her feelings about her own marriage onto you and that is not fair. Also, she's probably scared of letting you go and grow up.



Firstly, this is so true! I think she married young and even though I will be 6 years older than she was at her wedding me and my FH did meet when we were 16 and we're both marrying the person from our first "real" relationship.
Also, I was very sick as a young child and my mother was the one and only person by my side the whole time. I think she still sees me as her fragile little girl who was always in and out of hospital.

Just a side note: FH is truly an amazing man, he has never raised his voice to me, let alone hit me. He is gentle and kind and smart. He treats me so well. He does all the cooking and cleaning. He makes my lunch for me to take to work (he is a morning person, I am not). He has a good job with great pay. He would do anything for me. Which is what makes my mothers response so weird. I guess she sees me depending on him too much? He is taking away her little girl and treating her just as well as she does.

But it is true, the only person hurting me at this point in time is my mother. We've reached a point where we are just not speaking. I've decided to give her a couple of months to, hopefully, miss me, calm down and reflect. My FH and I will get the planning and booking started. This is the first decision I have ever made that she hasnt either influenced or agreed with.
After a couple of months I'll probably write her a note thanking her for everything and asking her "if you have nothing nice to say..." without POINTING OUT that she has nothing nice to say.


Thank you all for your advice and keep it coming. sad.gif

<a href="http://www.baby-gaga...gaga.com/"><img src="http://tickers.baby-...ev105ps___.png" alt="baby development" border="0" /></a>

Our second baby is due mid April

I married my best friend on May 2 2010.

Our beautiful little Imogen is 2

#9 moore

moore

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 11,098 posts

Posted 04 August 2008 - 02:31 PM

Hi Tori,

Have you thought about sitting down with her and asking her why she hated her wedding so much? Maybe if she opens up and lets a lot of it off her chest she may feel better about it.

You could point out all the things that you want to do differently to her (not in a negative way, but a way that makes it sound like you are learning from her experience), and then explain why things are different in your case, and how it will have a better outcome than what she is picturing.

Would your dad talk to her at home about it? Maybe he can help too, just by letting her see she is not being supportive when you need it most from her.
<center>
<a href="http://alterna-ticke...ckers.com"><img src="http://alterna-ticke.../64fqkvm5b.png" border="0" alt="AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers"></a>

<a href="http://alterna-ticke...ckers.com"><img src="http://alterna-ticke.../9y730qn45.png" border="0" alt="AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers"></a></center>

#10 cath**

cath**

    Frequent Poster

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 568 posts

Posted 04 August 2008 - 02:33 PM

Tori, I'm so sorry to hear that your mum is hurting you this way. Her comments are a little bit of a mixed bag as sometimes it appears that she is insulting your H2B and then she is insulting you. I think at some stage (when you are feeling up to it) you need to sit her down and talk through whatever her problems are. Writing a letter is probably a good start and tell her openly and honestly how her comments are hurting you and why you are getting married etc etc. Hopefully she will see that she is hurting and that you have a great relationship with your H2B and she will be supportive.

I wish you luck. smile.gif
IPB Image

#11 *Mrs G*

*Mrs G*

    Member

  • frequent poster
  • PipPip
  • 276 posts

Posted 06 August 2008 - 10:38 AM

Hi Tori,
My mother in law gave us so much grief before our wedding - if it wasn't because we weren't going to have a massive wog wedding like SHE wanted, it was because we had more friends than extended family on the guest list, and don't even get me started on the no children policy .... that was a good one.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, Hubby and I sat down one night and we discussed that her behaviour was totally not like her, she was getting increasingly consumed by it all, and she was flying off the handle at the smallest of problems ...
We approached her about her emotive state, and while it took six weeks of her not talking to us, eventually I had a go at her for being ridiculous (she wasn't going to come and it was a week to go!) and she admitted she was suffering from depression following the "loss" of her son.
Could this be what is going on?
Cathy

#12 *Tori*

*Tori*

    Centurion

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,460 posts

Posted 06 August 2008 - 02:52 PM

QUOTE(*Mrs G* @ Aug 6 2008, 10:38 AM) View Post

Hi Tori,
My mother in law gave us so much grief before our wedding - if it wasn't because we weren't going to have a massive wog wedding like SHE wanted, it was because we had more friends than extended family on the guest list, and don't even get me started on the no children policy .... that was a good one.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, Hubby and I sat down one night and we discussed that her behaviour was totally not like her, she was getting increasingly consumed by it all, and she was flying off the handle at the smallest of problems ...
We approached her about her emotive state, and while it took six weeks of her not talking to us, eventually I had a go at her for being ridiculous (she wasn't going to come and it was a week to go!) and she admitted she was suffering from depression following the "loss" of her son.
Could this be what is going on?
Cathy


Cathy, I think that is exactly what is going on.
I had a quick talk to her yesterday, and by the sounds of it the current agreement is: Mum'll be treated like any other guest. Get an invitation and show up. She really does not want to be involved in the planning. Right now, with the wedding almost two years away, I'm ok with this.
It makes me sad to think that she wont be there when I try on wedding dresses/buy my dress.
Maybe she'll change her mind as the date gets closer.

Thank you all for your advice and support. It has meant so much to me, you have no idea.
<a href="http://www.baby-gaga...gaga.com/"><img src="http://tickers.baby-...ev105ps___.png" alt="baby development" border="0" /></a>

Our second baby is due mid April

I married my best friend on May 2 2010.

Our beautiful little Imogen is 2

#13 Tie

Tie

    Newbie

  • frequent poster
  • Pip
  • 82 posts

Posted 10 August 2008 - 08:44 AM

Hey *Tori*,

I am so sorry this is happening to you too.

(I don't think I could say anything better than the girls have already said) So, my only peice of advice is talk to your mother about this sooner rather than later. If you don't, you could end up having the same feeling about weddings as she does because she's ruined the experience for you.

It honestly may be as simple as her not realising how it's affecting you because she's only thinking about getting her point across. When in fact, she's repeating the mistake with the next generation.

You're H2B sounds wonderful you this is supposed to be the memory of a life time I would hate to think that this would be the part you remembered sad.gif

I hope all works out for you.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users