I am not coping
Posted 13 July 2008 - 09:40 PM
The last 10 years have been rough, I know it hasn’t been as rough as what some poor people have gone through (which I try to remind myself) but I have just had enough.
My mother died 10 years ago from cancer. After watching her die slowly over three very long years, at 16 I was suddenly was alone. My Dad wasn’t coping and so dealt with his grief by going away for work weeks at a time and my brother also escaped his grief by diving into his university studies. So every day I would come home from school, cook my own dinner and spend many nights alone with my grief. I didn’t have my extended family around me and so no one ever checked up on me. It was a miracle I got through my final two years of school. I suffered from depression, insomnia, and panic attacks which meant I didn’t spend much time at school. Somehow I got through it, I moved out of home during my final year of school as I had to escape from my grief. I moved in with friends and somehow was able to finish school and start to live a normal life.
I believe I mainly got through the final months of school as I met my now ex fiancé. He was one of my friend’s older brother and I finally had someone who was there just for me who could give me the love and support I desperately needed.
I took a year off from continuing my studies after I finished school to properly deal with my mother’s death and the issues I had with my family. During this time my partner was loving, supportive and I really felt I had someone special. He was different to other men, he treated me with respect and I felt he would always love me.
Our life together was going along well- we had a few bumps in the road but that is just normal. We moved away for a few years and during this time became engaged. I finally felt my life was moving in the right direction. Marriage wasn’t everything to me but having someone who wanted to be with me and love me was the very thing I had craved for a very long time.
In 2006, things suddenly started to crumble. My life was perfect, I had goals, I had security and I had love in my life. But then he became secretive and distant and nothing I could do would get through to him. I did everything I could to save our relationship but unfortunately he was not prepared to work on it- I guess he was more willing to lose me then face his problems.
All of a sudden, I had to pack up my life, move back to my home town and start my life all over again. It has been 12 months since I left and still to this day it tears me apart. I have depression again and as much as I hate to admit it, losing him is just as painful as losing my mum. I hate him, I have never felt hatred towards another human but I despise him. I guess there really is a fine line between love and hate. You cannot stop loving someone just because they stop loving you. Love doesn’t fade quickly, it just mutates into hate. Hopefully in time the hatred/love will fade away completely.
I am not coping, I just can’t understand how he could do this. How could I have been with someone for over 7 years and not see who they really are? I feel no joy anymore but I end up putting on a happy face for those around me because I am scared people will get sick of hearing about how I am not coping with life.
I still think about where my life should be. Married and ttc this year and that has been ripped away from me. Not only did I lose the man I love but I even lost the chance to have the baby we were planning on trying for this year. I desperately want to be happy again but cannot chance getting involved with anyone again atm. If I got it so wrong after being with someone for 7 years and only discovered who he truly was in the last few months we were together then how can I consider being with anyone else?
I love my friends and I know they try to understand but they just don’t get it. They all have both parents still alive, a loving family and loving partners. It is typical that just when my life goes to shit again they are planning on having children and getting married. I want to be happy for them but I just wish that everyone would stop reaching exciting milestones in their life just long enough for me to catch up. It just feels like whenever I talk to them they are talking about starting a family, getting engaged, or buying a house with their partner. I have tried to talk to them about how I am not coping but I don’t think they truly get how bad it really is.
I know this is very long and I apologise for my ramblings. I just have to get out how much I am NOT coping. I want to be happy again. All I have ever wanted is a loving partner and a family of my own. For such a long time I have been alone and had to deal with so much shit with little support from others and I don’t know how to keep making myself get up every morning and face what life will throw at me next..
Posted 13 July 2008 - 09:50 PM
I can't offer too much advice, but I wanted to say I'm here and I'm listening
Posted 13 July 2008 - 09:53 PM
Just know that my thoughts are with you, and I hope you are able to find peace and security within yourself again.
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Posted 13 July 2008 - 09:56 PM
Have you gone to see a counsellor? I really recommend you go and see someone. A good, kind therapist will be able to go back to your 16 year old self and start to unravel all those things that have happened.
No wonder you are at your wits end now, I would be too. But there is definitely help for you. Right now you are under a deep cloud of depression, but you sound very kind and loving and I am sure with the right help, you will start to see the sunshine again. It just takes that first call and I am sure with guidance from a therapist, you will get there.
I find that when we go through awful, terrible grief, we find out who we truly are. This is probably a very dark period for you, but remain positive that you will find your smile again.
Am always here if you want to talk ok?
Posted 13 July 2008 - 09:57 PM
I remember you and I'm so sorry that you're having a tough time.
Just wanted to let you know that I've read your story and that my thoughts are with you.
</td><td><font face="Monotype Corsiva"><b><font size=6 color=#EF3896>Amelia Evelyn</font>
<font size=5 color=#EF3896>28th August 2007</font></b>
<font size=4 color=#EF3896>Susie & Anthony 5th March 2005</font></b>
<font face="Monotype Corsiva"><font size=3 color=#EF3896><b><i>"Love is a moment that lasts forever..."</b></i></font>
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Posted 13 July 2008 - 10:10 PM
Firstly, i suggest you take care of you. You and you only. Indulge in selfishness.
Maybe start doing things that you enjoy, just little things, like having a coffee, or seeing a movie and slowly start to set goals for yourself both long and short term.
And take it easy, are you able to have some time off work, go on a little holiday somewhere, just you.
You are still young and I am sure you will find love again and have the children you want but first you need to mend yourself and this takes time and care.
Although I don't know the whole story, it seems like you should not blame yourself for the break up, you can only know someone as much as they allow you to know them. He sounds like a hurtful man.
And as far as your life should have been imagine if you had of married him, imagine if you did have kids with him and this situation occured.
You sound like you have gone through so much in your life and have great strength so I think that you will get through this in time.
Have you considered speaking with a counsellor that can help you through this?
Posted 13 July 2008 - 10:15 PM
I've not had to deal with the same things you have had to face in your life, but I do know what it is like to feel like the earth has shifted under your feet and you don't know why. I was with my ex for 10 years, when he suddenly announced he didn't want to get married. Unfortunately, it was after he had proposed whilst we were on a holiday together in Venice. I felt so humiliated and heartbroken and I couldn't believe that all my dreams of our future together had disappeared just like that.
Can I suggest counselling? Unfortunately, my hubby and I have also recently separated (I can pick 'em can't I ) and this is something my GP has recommended. In fact, it is something my GP has chased me on and I have an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow.
You know, I have had this thought often. That is the reason why I do want to talk to someone independent, to work out if there is something that I am doing (subconsiously) that I need to be aware of, so I can have the relationship that I want in the future.
Talk to your GP, they will be able to recommend you to a counsellor. PM if you like and I can let you know how things go for me tomorrow, if you'd like a bit more information.
Posted 14 July 2008 - 12:42 AM
You have had a lot to deal with these past 2 years (from when your relationship starting souring) and all of that would have been very hard to deal with on your own, with friends who might not fully realise how alone you are.
I can sympathise with your current situation, I was always single, or in a short relationship, while all my friends and family were getting married. I thought it would never be my turn. Now that they've all gone on to have babies and I'm struggling with infertility I have to deal with that all over again. I try hard not to measure myself by their successes: it's not their fault, it's not my fault either.
My advice is not to be too afraid to start again. I know that's easy to say, in my position, but unlike you, having the same partner for 7 years and being deceived: I was deceived many, many times after only a few months. But there was no option for me but to pick myself up, dust myself off, try and learn a little from the experience and try again. I was probably your age (or older) when I met my DH. I kept going because for me, I wanted to be in a relationship. When it is good (and you're with the right person), it's all worth it, isn't it?
With your friends, I think it's OK for you to tell them that you're still not coping and they should understand and support you. Don't be afraid to be honest and ask for some help.
I think the counselling advice is valid too. Some professional advice on how to grieve both your Mother's loss and your past relationship, and then decide where to go from here.
I hope what I've written is OK. I don't want you to think I'm being harsh. I'm always here to chat to, if you want to.
Posted 14 July 2008 - 07:48 AM
I don't know if I have any helpful advice. But I do believe things fall apart so better things can fall together.
Obviously, you were meant to be with your ex at the time you were with him. He helped you through the most difficult thing in your life, and that's special in itself. Take what you can from what you had and try to put it behind you. I know it's easier said than done. But I'm sure you have learnt so much and one day you will be grateful for this. As hard as it is to see that now. But trust me, you will.
Don't put a time limit on yourself as to how long it takes to heal. I've been seperated from my ex finacee for 2 years now and it's only recently that I have truly been happy with who I am and where I am in life.
Please don't give up. I know how hopeless and desperate things can seem at times, but it does get better I promise. Just hang in there hun.
Concentrate on you and what you want out of life. I can imagine that for so long it was all about you as a couple and him, but now it's about you. Learn about yourself and most importantly, learn to love yourself. That was the hardest thing I had to learn.
Happiness will come for you again hun. It takes time and a lot of hard work, but when it comes it is so worth it.
I'm here anytime you need to talk. I know that probably doesn't help, but sometimes it's nice just to have someone to listen.
Posted 14 July 2008 - 10:04 AM
You have been through so mcuh.
You are so strong and with some self TLC you can get through this.
My PM box is always open.
Posted 14 July 2008 - 11:21 AM
Take time to care for yourself, you deserve to be happy and it's important you believe that. It may be a long, difficult journey to get yourself back on track, but you will come out the other side of this and you will be happy again. My thoughts are with you.
Posted 14 July 2008 - 10:54 PM
I have seen a psychologist but she was so popular i could only get in to see her once a month and if I had to reschedule then it would be longer between sessions. I really liked talking to her but am looking for someone else as i think I would benefit for seeing someone in a few sessions closer together.
I know my friends would be understanding but I just hate that every time I talk to them I am talking just about my problems so I pretend everything is ok so I am not being so selfish.
I think one of the things that affects me most is that I will recall a certain memory from when we together and it feels so normal and real and then reality hits and I feel like I have lost him all over again.
I have dealt with my mum's death and family issues but after my partner left me if was the final blow. It feels like everyone who I love leaves me or betrays me.
Posted 14 July 2008 - 11:36 PM
I am truly sorry for what you have been through, having never experienced such loss of those close to me as you have.
I just wanted to say that it's ok to need other people to help you through the dark periods in your life, guess that's why the loss of your ex hurts so much...
As a friend of someone who suffers depression, who has similar worries about burdening her friends if she talk about her problems and appears too selfish, I just want to say I have never once (nor have her other friends) felt that she is a burden or selfish, I wish I could be there more/do more/listen more to help her because she is such a special and important person in my life.
With the support of her friends, her strength and her psychologist, the sun is beginning to shine on her again, it will on you too.
Posted 14 July 2008 - 11:48 PM
It is nice to hear the perspective of a person watching another with depression. I know my friends would also say I am not a burden but I guess when I hear myself go on and on about it, even I get sick of it and think I sound like a whinger. I guess I am afraid of losing them also.
I guess I am really struggling because I have to find new ways to get through the rough times. My partner was my support- he was the one to support me when my family were causing trouble, when I needed to vent about work or when I just needed a hug. It is hard that not only is he not here to support me through my depression but he is the reason I am having such a hard time. He was always my rock, the one person who was there for me and now I have no one to come home to or just talk about my day. I really miss that.
I just want to add, that I really appreciate everyone's support and advice. Kir- You were not harsh at all, the exact opposite. I hope your ttc journey does not take much longer and you are blessed with a baby soon. Mishu- I am sorry to hear about you and your husband, I hope counselling does wonders for you. Ali- You are right, he was in my life for a reason and hopefully one day I will be able to look back at the good memories and not feel so much pain and be thankful I had someone to love and support me during those years. Gwen and Jo- you both have been very supportive of me when I went through my break up. You are gems. To everyone else that I haven't mentioned, thank you again or your support. I would love to personally reply to you all individually but I am having trouble organising my thoughts.
Posted 15 July 2008 - 12:24 AM
A wise person once told me, if you feel like you can't get through the next 24 hours deal with the next five minutes......that person was you my dear
I'm online non-stop, PM on facebook whenever...I'm also only a phone-call away, albiet an overseas one but I'm here.xx
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