Jump to content


Need Advice

  • Please log in to reply
5 replies to this topic

#1 panntha


    Frequent Poster

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 543 posts

Posted 06 July 2008 - 03:04 PM

Ok i need some advice.
Ill start from the beginning, 10yrs ago i was best friends with a guy who happened to have been my brothers best friend. We were very very close, had so much in common, same values, brought up the same, in a way i guess u could say that we were the same person just different sex obviously.
Anyways things started to heat up a little, but at the time he had a girlfriend and i had a bf, i ended up breaking up with my bf for other reasons but he was still with his gf. We loved each other and told each other that, in the end i decided i wanted to be his gf or not at all, he didnt break up with his gf and we ended up loosing contact.
10yrs have passed, with a lot of heart ache and memories of then. We both have got married, and had kids - he has 2 and i have 1. Recently i called him for advice on another matter - a professional manner. Anyways since then we have started talking again and it feels like 10yrs has not changed anything. We have talked and dealt with the issues and questions we had back then, apparently i was number one to him but he was trying to do the right thing as i was young, and he thought my brother would kill him and my parents never accept it. I do believe he is telling the truth. Anyways recently he came and visited (we dont live close by) and things again were exactly like old time, still have the same things in common, our lives are quite similar in what has happened in the meantime. Our love for each other still also feels the same, and we are still very attracted to each other.
I would never cheat on my husband but must admit id be lying to say i havent thought of it etc.
So im confused. My marriage is good, except for my husband isnt loving enough, doesnt show emotion, doesnt want to kiss me, takes me initiating sex etc which has always bothered me but starting to bother me more.
Is a marriage good enough and worth keeping even if ure not entirely happy and feel wanted? Other then that he is a good provider, doesnt spend enough time with our child though and we have conflicting views on things such as religion.
Am i crazy to think that this other guy who is my best friend would make me entirely happy? And am i crazy to think it would work without ever having been together?

Sorry i know im rambling, just after some opinions, i dont really have anyone to tlk about this with in real life.

#2 ~Pink~


    Advanced Member

  • frequent poster
  • PipPipPip
  • 316 posts

Posted 06 July 2008 - 03:50 PM

No one can make you completely happy, you have to find that happiness and contentment in yourself. To be honest I think you are living in a fantasy, the truth is no relationship is perfect and some of the best couples with the best marriages, have little in common with each other, but it works. So don't look on common interests as a sign that your soul mates. A mature relationship is SO much more.

I think you need to try and work things out with your husband, you must love him, you did get married and have a child together after all. Tell your husband you need more affection from him, that you want him to spend more time with your child etc. Communicate with him.

#3 Alliekatb



  • frequent poster
  • PipPip
  • 200 posts

Posted 06 July 2008 - 04:13 PM

It is possible you have built this friend up on a pedestal. That you see in him all the things you wish you had in your current relationship. But like everone i'm sure he has his faults.

I'll share a simillar experience with you. I had been friends with a guy for a very long time, he was my best male friend and we could talk about anything and everything. We didn't see each other all the time but we had a connection. He could always sense when I was feeling really down and he would show up on my doorstep with a smile. I loved this guy, I thought he was perfect, yes he had his faults but I easily overlooked them.
Eventually I was in a relationship with a beautiful man who treated me right, but there was always a thought in the back of my mind of what if.... I ended up cheating on my then BF with my friend. At the time, in the heat of the moment I thought it was perfect. But the next day I realised that I was completely in love with my BF and even though this friend was amazing, he actually wasn't perfect for me. The pedestal I had him on came crashing down. Since then I have realise that he and I just weren't right for each other and we rarely even talk any more, birthday's, christmas that's it.

By the sounds of things you have a wonderful relationship with your husband, there are things you don't see eye to eye on, but that is normal in every relationship. Personally I don't think it is worth jepordising your relationship for a fantasy you have with this male friend.

You should probably sit down with your husband and talk to him. Tell him how your feeling, perhaps what your thinking.

Hope this helps.
IPB Image

#4 *Ali*


    Loving life

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,636 posts

Posted 06 July 2008 - 06:26 PM

I think this could be a case of 'the grass isn't always greener on the other side'. You could be feeling like this because you think it might be, if you know what I mean.

Like Alliekatb was saying, you could leave your marriage and take up a relationship with this guy to find out that he isn't as fantastic as you thought. You will find out all his annoying habits and traits that you don't like so much.

Like the others have said, I think you need to work on your relationship with your husband. You took vows. And I don't believe one of those vows was 'I promise to love you until someone better comes along.'

I wish you all the best and I hope you work through all this.

Someday everything will all make perfect sense... So for now laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason...

#5 afterglow


    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 6,123 posts

Posted 06 July 2008 - 07:09 PM

It sounds like you're living in a bit of a fantasy land in relation to this guy. Noone is perfect, but it sounds like you're building him up to be that.

The realities of everyday life if you did take up a relationship with him would most likely get to you the same way they have in your marriage. Plus you would he the added guilt of either cheating or leaving your husband for him.

You need to deal with the problems in your marriage rather than running away from them. Once you have talked to your husband about your issues, if things don't change and you decide you can't live like that, then look at your options.

#6 panntha


    Frequent Poster

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 543 posts

Posted 06 July 2008 - 10:00 PM

I appreciate the honesty
I was wondering if that was partly it.
Just needed someone else to say it too...

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users