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How do you know when to walk away


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#1 becg

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Posted 06 June 2008 - 09:24 AM

Hello girls, I'm not sure what to do.

I have been with my husband for 4 1/2 years married for just over 2. We dont have any children as yet. For the past 12months I have been having second thoughts about my love for my husband. My husband has major issues with communication, he wont talk to me so now I think I have gotten to the point that I dont bother trying anymore. I dont find him attractive anymore, I just feel numb towards him. There is alot of issues with my in-laws as well, the list can go on and on.

Last weekend I went to Melbourne to catch up with some old friends and I hardly thought of him at all.

How do you know when to give up and walk away?

Bec

#2 *Ali*

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Posted 06 June 2008 - 12:16 PM

Oh hun, I'm so sorry.

I think this is different for everyone. For me, it was a long time coming, but there was one day when the penny just dropped and I realised it was over. I was like you, I felt nothing for him, I didn't want to touch him, sometimes I couldn't stand being in the same room as him. I think when it gets to that stage, you know it's all but over.

Ask yourself, would you save your marriage if you could? Would you go to counselling to try and sort through your issues? Would you put the effort in to try and get it back to what it was?

I honestly believe that when it's over, you know it deep down inyour soul. You feel it. I know i did. It's actually doing something about it that is the hard part.

I don't know what else to tell you. Except I'm here if you need to talk to anyone.

(((HUGS)))
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#3 **Jessie*

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Posted 06 June 2008 - 12:34 PM

Ohh I am so sorry that you are going through this.

As Ali did, I did also. I knew when it was it was time to go. It too took me quite awhile to walk away. All the things I loved about him were gone or changed or just annoyed me, I couldn't stand to be touched by him, and this wasn't just a once of thing, it was happening for hte past 6-12 months.

As Ali has said you definitely know when it's over - but leaving is so much harded.

Take some time out, and think about what you want. I am a firm believer of listening to your heart.

I think alot of the girls here in the new beginnings have been through something similar, and all will be more than happy to talk to you.

Take care.
Nothing is more beautiful then the love that has weathered the storm of life.


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#4 annon*

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Posted 06 June 2008 - 02:32 PM

I really feel for you, I'm going through the same thing at the moment, I kind of still feel love for him, but more like a friend, I'm not 'in love' with him iykiwm. And the attraction is definately gone, which I have been in denial about for a while I think. I get annoyed when he kisses me and don't ever have the urge to jump him or anything - not how marriage should be I reckon. It's certainly not something I could talk to him about though, he would be completely and utterly gutted if I told him that I wasn't attracted to him anymore.

To make things harder, we have 3 kids, so are doing counselling to see if there is anything worth saving, but to be honest, I don't know how that is going to make me start loving him again sad.gif Communication is a big issue with us as well, and has contributed a lot to the problems we are having - you can't force people to talk.

I guess it just got to the point where I was thinking about why I acted the way I did if I loved him, working out that I just wasn't sure if I loved him. I couldn't say anything because I didn't want to hurt his feelings because he is still very much in love with me, but one day it just kind of came out - he is devastated and I am a little upset, but not as much as I feel I should be at the thought of the relationship coming to an end - this in itself tells me that it is pretty much over.

I think telling friends and family is going to be the hardest part, no-one has any idea that we are having problems and we have been together for so long that it will be a big shock for sure.

I guess you just have to listen to your heart, it sounds like you already know what to do .

Take care x






#5 MsGems

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Posted 06 June 2008 - 02:51 PM

QUOTE(*Ali* @ Jun 6 2008, 12:16 PM) View Post

Ask yourself, would you save your marriage if you could? Would you go to counselling to try and sort through your issues? Would you put the effort in to try and get it back to what it was?


This is so true, Ali.


For me, it was when the realisation hit me that I was sacrificing so much and getting so little back. I knew that he was a good person, and a great husband, but not a good person for me to have in my life, and not a great husband for me. It ate away at me. We were living under tough circumstances and I just couldn't handle it any more. The only way out was to leave it all behind and start fresh. So I did. Here I am almost 18 months later, very soon to be divorced, and in a much happier place in my life. I now have a man in my life who cares about me, adores me, and values what I bring to this world. I know that he would never hold me back, but I also know that I would never let myself be held back.

I guess I knew when to walk away when I reached the point of no return - the point that made me realise that I was not the person I wanted to be, and I was never going to be that person if I continued that relationship.
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#6 emma-lou

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Posted 09 June 2008 - 10:20 AM

Bec, I understand completely where you are coming from! It gets to a stage that you don't even want to clean your teeth in the same bathroom as him! As Ali said, sometimes you know when to walk away because the penny drops.
I was in the same situation 4 years ago and I got to the stage where I felt like a prisoner in my own home! I didn't eat with him, I made sure I either ate early or I just went without. I went to bed super early or really late, you don't want to watch tv becauase he is there on the couch! It gets to the stage that you just don't want to be there.

As Ali said,

QUOTE(*Ali* @ Jun 6 2008, 12:16 PM)

Ask yourself, would you save your marriage if you could? Would you go to counselling to try and sort through your issues? Would you put the effort in to try and get it back to what it was?


and If you can't see yourself doing that than you need to go to friends, family or someone close that lives a good few hours away from you to have a break or speak to your husband and say that you need time apart. My brother and his wife are living apart for 6 months and from them going to be divorced to now looking to move back together it has been the best thing. biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif

As for the in laws, the relationship I am in now, the in-laws think that I am the dragon lady of the family. I have learnt that you just need not to play their game. They then get sick of it and stop playing things. My parents kept telling me to think water off a ducks back. We are yet to get married but when it does I am sure that they will either be hell or good.

I don't know what else to say other than try having time apart, all of us girls on here are here to listen to you, and help with anything we can.

Take Care,
Bubbles
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#7 nephthys

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Posted 09 June 2008 - 11:05 AM

The girls are right, you know when it's over and asking strangers on the internet doesn't provide you with clarity. If you're on here, I think you've already made a decision.

But believe it or not, what you've said is fixable. With communication comes respect, with respect comes attraction and love.

Here is my view on marriage, and others can add or subtract from this because we are all different.

I left my now husband years ago because I didn't have that communication and it took three years and lots of broken hearts to come to my senses and realised I was looking for something that didn't exist. I was looking for that chemistry, that blatant, overriding connection that the magazines and novels told me existed. With age came the realisation I was missing the point entirely. Almost two years past our wedding day and every day it gets better. We don't 'jump' each other, there is no need; marriage (in my opinion) shouldn't be about the fizz and chemistry and honestly, if you believe it should, then I think you're missing the point too. Yes, communication is essential, but then so is sitting beside each other silently and not feeling uncomfortable.

Marriage is about service to the other, not about what they are not giving you, but what you can give them and both sides need to feel this way or you become disgruntled very quickly. If both of you can learn to appreciate the other and want to put their needs before your own, then you've got something pretty special. But that needs to be learnt, it rarely comes naturally. I was given the advice by someone married 43 years: “If you feel you are in the right, then you should be the first to say sorry.” Damn hard but it actually works.

Write down what you love about this man and really think hard. Does he pick you up from your girlfriends without complaining? Does he cook you dinner occasionally if you're tired? Does he sit beside you if you're upset? These are just examples btw, not a measure. Now focus on that. Don’t write a list of the negatives because if you’re upset, you’ll find a thousand.

Why won’t he talk to you? Is he ashamed? Do you unconsciously cut him off without meaning to? Is he worried he might upset you if he tells you what is on his mind? Is he from a background where his family don’t talk about tough things? Then either you need to find a way around his barriers to find his comfort zone so he opens up, or he needs to learn to trust you with his secrets. Counselling will help with this.

Regarding feeling numb towards him, I think this is a defence mechanism you’ve thrown up to protect yourself. He’s become a stranger because you can’t talk to each other so you don’t trust him enough to let him into your space. Something attracted you to him once so chances are it’s still there, but you need to learn to find it again.

If you truly want it, I believe your marriage can survive but of course he has to join in the parade too. But if you’ve absolutely sure that you don’t want to resurrect this, then you know what to do.

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#8 jessmay

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Posted 09 June 2008 - 11:27 AM

I'll say! Even I learnt something! Thanks nephthys!
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#9 MrsL

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Posted 09 June 2008 - 11:58 AM

I think Nephthys has said it all. smile.gif Great advice, all couples should read that.

#10 becg

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Posted 17 June 2008 - 09:30 AM

Thanks for all the advice ladies.

Still in a bad place at the moment i dont know what i want to do. I'm guessing time will be the best thing.




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