Jump to content


Photo

Feeling very confused


  • Please log in to reply
8 replies to this topic

#1 Lost

Lost

    Newbie

  • New User
  • Pip
  • 2 posts

Posted 30 April 2008 - 03:59 AM

I am a regular of the forum but for obvious reasons have decided to go anon. I'm sure that you will all understand.

I really don't know how far back to start from.

I have been with my partner for almost 7 years. We only got married last year. I am pretty certain I am going to leave my husband, but I just needed to get everything out and hopefully some one can give me some advice. I have no-one in my life right now that I can talk to that would understand at all.

I apologise if it doesn't flow or make sense.

The bottom line is I don't love him the same way I used to. I love him but I'm not in love with him - I love him much like I love my friends. I feel that it is unfair to both of us for me to stay in the marriage, I just need to find the courage to leave.

Reasons I believe it has led to this;

1. About 6 years ago, we went through a very difficult period. I thought that I had feelings for someone else and it turned out that it was in fact nothing. I never ever cheated. But DH found out about this and it caused some serious problems. Especially with trust. We almost broke up, but decided to give it a shot and try.

2. A couple of months after that I fell pregnant. DH didn't want it and I therefore said I didn't. We were headed to the nearest capital city, so had scheduled an abortion. I never had the abortion because I miscarried. However I have never really gotten over the guilt of it. DH has never really spoken about it to me and I don't feel like I can talk to him about it. Every time I do I feel like I'm annoying him.

3. About 4 years ago there were a couple of issues that happened.
The first was I found a whole bunch of transexual & animal porn on his computer. I freaked out. I mean I'm into porn as much as the next person, but for me this crossed a few lines and really freaked me out. When I confronted him about it he just got angry at me for going onto his computer. I was really lost at this time and didn't know what to do. I considered ending it with him at this point. He told me he had deleted it and we carried on our relationship.

The second that happened was that he had an internet friend that he had had since primary school and she was coming to our city to visit her father. He asked if I minded if they caught up. I didn't want to be "that" girl friend so said sure. I should of listened to my gut, because after she visited and even had dinner in my house and I was nice to her - I found out all this stuff that had actually happened. I found out that they had gone on this lovely romantic walk together which I thought at first was harmless until I found out that she was actually in love with him. I then found out that he told her he liked her but didn't love her like he loved me. She said that stuff would of happened if she didn't say no - but he denied this. I was so gutted. I didn't know who to believe. I still am not 100% sure. She also stalked my myspace page and when she found out we got married she sent me a lovely message that said that she bet it would go belly up in a year and that I looked fat in my wedding dress and should have my photos photoshopped. Now that isn't his fault, but he brought her into our lives. I haven't heard from her in a long while, but I also didn't reply to that msg. It took all the strength inside me just to ignore her.

4. About 3 years ago, I felt like I was falling out of love with him. And I told him but he got so hurt that I flipped and changed my mind. I was so weak and I didn't have the courage to leave.

From about that point on things did get better but there was always something lacking.

There have always been issues throughout our relationship that I feel he just hasn't been sensitive enough. And at the beginning of the relationship and I guess in some respects now he can be a little paranoid and controlling. Its not that severe these days though.

I guess the reason I feel so confused now is, is because things are fairly ok. We get along really fine and our communication has gone a thousand times better, but I sort of feel like its too late. Our communication has gotten so good that lately we were talking about sexual fantasies and confessions and he told me some stuff that I'm having a little difficulty digesting. At the time I said that was fine, but really it just doesn't sit right with me.

He told me that he fantasises or has fantasised about having a threesome with my little sister (20). He also told me that one time he masturabated because he heard my sister having sex. I mean I am in no means a prude, but I just don't feel okay with that. He only told me this in the last couple of months.

I don't feel like I can talk to any of my friends or family about this because everyone thinks he is just this fantastic guy. And I know that if I was to leave him everyone would think there was something wrong. I would be the horrible bitch from hell that left her perfect husband. And whilst I know I shouldn't live my life like that - its hard.

I just am really confused and needed to get some of it out. I hope someone can make sense of some of this and give me some advice.

#2 RiverWild

RiverWild

    Centurion

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,630 posts

Posted 30 April 2008 - 04:16 AM

Im really sorry to hear your going through this.

i think the question you have to ask yourself is, "If you could bring the love back would you stay with him?"

If the answer is yes then i would try couple counselling, be honest with him and make him go with you so you can sort things out, who knows maybe its a case of the seven year itch.

If the answer is no then you need to tell him how you feel arrange to move out, give yourself some space and some time and sort out what you want to do next. counselling could help you here as well, its not for everyone but it may help you sort out your feelings and let you grieve for the baby you lost those years ago. dont worry about what other people think just do whatever you feel is right for you.

im sorry im not very good with advice but please remember this forum is always here if you need it and my PM is always open.



#3 MsGems

MsGems

    follow Your yellow brick road

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 13,742 posts

Posted 30 April 2008 - 06:00 AM

Riverwild's suggestion of asking yourself the question "If you could bring the love back would you stay with him?" is a very good one.

You also need to ask yourself "Do you want to bring that love back?".

Probably sounds like an odd question, but it's certainly one you need to ask yourself. By the sounds of things, he could well be having similar thoughts. The two of you need to sit down and be open and honest with each other about how you feel about your relationship and marriage and whether or not you see a future for it.
Yes, it will be hard, but believe me, it will be worth it. Separation and divorce is by no means easy (if you choose that path) but for the sanity of everyone involved, you need to work out what you want, stick to it, and move forward in the chosen direction.
Try to talk to him on neutral ground, don't get anyone else involved. Say how you're feeling and ask him how he feels about everything. Write him a letter if you have to. Definitely speak to a counsellor - they will provide a clear perspective on what's going on. Speak to one alone, speak to one with your husband. Do whatever works.

Ultimately - do what's best for you.

Take care.
<center><embed src="http://www.widdlytin...hdayticker.swf" FlashVars="t1=&t2=Miles Joseph is&b=20&c=0x000000&f=39&y=2012&m=7&d=15" quality="high" wmode="transparent" width="430" height="115" name="Pregnancy Ticker" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="samedomain" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedi...getflashplayer" /></embed><br><a href="http://www.widdlytin....com/">Birthday Tickers from WiddlyTinks.com</a></center>


<center><embed src="http://www.widdlytin...hdayticker.swf" FlashVars="t1=&t2=Penny Grace is&b=21&c=0x000000&f=28&y=2010&m=2&d=18" quality="high" wmode="transparent" width="430" height="115" name="Pregnancy Ticker" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="samedomain" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedi...getflashplayer" /></embed><br><a href="http://www.widdlytin....com/">Birthday Tickers from WiddlyTinks.com</a></center>

#4 Primm

Primm

    Centurion

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,204 posts

Posted 30 April 2008 - 11:05 AM

OK, I'm going to be a bit blunt here.

Sounds to me like you're confusing love and lust. You say you love him like a really good friend. Is your sex life still good? If so, that sounds like a very normal mature relationship to me.

You say you are concerned about him revealing things to you that you really didn't want to know. If your communication is at such a deep level that he feels comfortable revealing those sorts of things to you (because after all, a fantasy is something that normally isn't acted on, and it sounds like you aren't worried that he will do it, more that he actually thinks about it) then that's something you should be proud of, not want to quash! He trusts you deeply enough that he can reveal his innermost thoughts to you without fear of being ridiculed. Isn't that a good thing?

You're worried about what other people will think if you leave him. If that's what you want, then that's up to you. You can't worry about what other people will think.

My view is that if you leave him, the cycle starts again. You will meet someone else, fall in lust with them, then down the track when that develops into comfortable mature love, you will become disappointed and leave again.

Is that really what you want?

#5 Lost

Lost

    Newbie

  • New User
  • Pip
  • 2 posts

Posted 30 April 2008 - 12:09 PM

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate the honesty.

QUOTE(RiverWild @ Apr 30 2008, 04:16 AM) View Post

I think the question you have to ask yourself is, "If you could bring the love back would you stay with him?"


No I don't think I would.

QUOTE(Primm @ Apr 30 2008, 11:05 AM) View Post

Sounds to me like you're confusing love and lust. You say you love him like a really good friend. Is your sex life still good? If so, that sounds like a very normal mature relationship to me.

My view is that if you leave him, the cycle starts again. You will meet someone else, fall in lust with them, then down the track when that develops into comfortable mature love, you will become disappointed and leave again.

Is that really what you want?


We have sex often, but I am just not into it and haven't been for some time. I fake a lot of orgasms and just can't tell him. I know that sounds terrible but I just don't think I am sexually attracted to him. I feel so horrible just writing this now.

I don't know about it being a cycle. I feel that the relationship may of expired years ago and I just was too cowardly to end it and now I feel I am in way too deep.

#6 RubyTuesday

RubyTuesday

    Lady In Red

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,773 posts

Posted 30 April 2008 - 12:33 PM

I am sorry. I cant offer much advice..

I know with my ex husband from 5yrs back I had to end it (we were together 10yrs and married for 5) as I did not feel turned on by him at all. In fact I had to turn the other way if he undressed in front of me. I was repulsed by him physically (not him as a person).

Now 5yrs down the track he is remarried with a little girl and life couldnt be grander for the both of us.
Scott & Di - Married In Vegas 30th Sept 2010... Just how we wanted it to be...
Elijah 'Eli' came into our world 3.11.11... And what a wonderful world it has been since then!

#7 Smooch

Smooch

    Part of the Furniture

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,341 posts

Posted 30 April 2008 - 01:19 PM

I'd suggest a break from your husband for a while, maybe a holiday somewhere and then see how you feel while you are away from him. Don't make it about how wonderful things are without him, but also about reflection and the things that you fell in love with him.

#8 MsGems

MsGems

    follow Your yellow brick road

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 13,742 posts

Posted 30 April 2008 - 01:28 PM

I can relate to what you're saying, Lost, it's similar to the position I was in.

You're not only lost in your relationship, you're lost in yourself.

Sit down with a pen and paper and write what you're feeling. Write what you could do to change it. Give yourself a 5 year plan, then see how your husband could fit into it.

I'd strongly suggest counselling, that certainly provided me with clarity.

I can see where Primm's coming from too, and that thought did cross my mind. Your husband should be your friend, but he should also be the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. The one you want to be able to hug when you need a hug, make love when you want to make love, sit on the couch with when you just want to chill out. If you're not feeling that, think about what you really want for yourself, and go from there.

With a lot of thought, and clarifying the confusing thoughts that you've got in your mind, you'll work out what the right answer is smile.gif
<center><embed src="http://www.widdlytin...hdayticker.swf" FlashVars="t1=&t2=Miles Joseph is&b=20&c=0x000000&f=39&y=2012&m=7&d=15" quality="high" wmode="transparent" width="430" height="115" name="Pregnancy Ticker" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="samedomain" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedi...getflashplayer" /></embed><br><a href="http://www.widdlytin....com/">Birthday Tickers from WiddlyTinks.com</a></center>


<center><embed src="http://www.widdlytin...hdayticker.swf" FlashVars="t1=&t2=Penny Grace is&b=21&c=0x000000&f=28&y=2010&m=2&d=18" quality="high" wmode="transparent" width="430" height="115" name="Pregnancy Ticker" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="samedomain" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedi...getflashplayer" /></embed><br><a href="http://www.widdlytin....com/">Birthday Tickers from WiddlyTinks.com</a></center>

#9 *Ali*

*Ali*

    Loving life

  • avid user
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,636 posts

Posted 18 May 2008 - 04:21 PM

Here's a question...

Can you imagine your life without him? Could you handle going every day without seeing him or talking to him or touching him?

On the other hand, I am a believer in having sexual chemistry. The kind that makes you want to rip the other person's clothes off. But, that fades.
At the end of the day, when you're old and wrinkly and sex isn't even on the menu, you need someone you can talk to. About everything and anything. That person will become all you have.

You need to listen to your heart and do what is best for you.

Good luck with it all
Someday everything will all make perfect sense... So for now laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason...




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users