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Future Grandmother in-law... ARGH

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#1 Alliekatb



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Posted 18 March 2008 - 07:50 AM

Ok so to start my FMIL passed away 4 months ago, she was a wonderful woman and would have been a fantastic MIL - in the short time I knew her she was already like a second mum any way. Now that she has passed away her mother thinks that give her the right to act like h2b's mother and my "FMIL".

She keeps going on and on about how h2b hasn't shown any emotion at the passing of his mum and every chance she gets she says this to his sister and to him. All I want to do is tell her to shove it. She hasn't been there when I've sat up with him till 3am in the morning when he has been sad (even when I have to get up at 6 the next day fro work). She wasn't there when he was crying on my shoulder (he was very close to his mum) and she wasn't there all the time he didn't go to my parents for dinner cause it was too hard to see my mum. I've mentioned some of this to her before and she didn't care. I think it's cause he doesn't show any emotion when he is around his father, that's why his grandmother is going on about it. H2b is the oldest child so he feels he has to be strong in front of his brother, sister and father, but he knows that in front of my he can be sad...

Now we have sent out our wedding invitations and good ole Grandmother is at it again. We decided not to invite anyone under 18 to the wedding, we feel it is an adult celebration and neither of us want the 3 and 4 year old SECOND cousins running around and annoying other people. We have made 3 exceptions to this, I have 1 first cousin and h2b has2 first cousins under 18 (they are 17, 16 and 12) so we have invited them. We discussed all this with my parents and h2b's father, and mother before she passed and they agreed with us.

Grandmother is now not talking to h2b because she was using our wedding as her family reunion and now the whole family won't be there (she wanted us to invited her brother and her cousin who we don't even know as well as all the little children, who are all second cousin's under 10). I'm just really angry with her becasue she has hurt h2b with the way she is acting. She will now ignore us until the day of the wedding and on the day she will b*tch to everyone she can about how we didn't invite the kids... ARGH makes me so mad!!!!!
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#2 *Dan*


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Posted 18 March 2008 - 10:38 AM

You poor things! I hate it when there is an 'expectation' on how you should react to a loved ones death. FH's grandma has no right to judge. She sounds like a piece of work.
Stick to your guns. At the end of the day, you have the support of the people closest to you who agreed with your request for no kids. Who cares what grandma thinks?. There are plenty of other occasions throughout the year where she can plan a family reunion. Your wedding is not the appropriate time or place. Even though she is b!#ching about it now, she will get over it.
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#3 Monica


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Posted 19 March 2008 - 10:49 AM

Whilst I can sympathise with you, can I just say and you probably already have thought this and it certainly isn't an excuse but this lady has also just lost a daughter. She is probably heart broken.

Like I said, this isn't an excuse to behave badly but it may just explain a few things

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#4 HoneySoyChicken



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Posted 26 March 2008 - 06:19 AM

Ahh... when will people learn that they can't control other peoples weddings, let alone life?
If must be hard for your FGMIL and she is obviously not dealing with the death of her daughter really well (can't blame her really). Perhaps you should try sitting down with her and asking her how she feels. Ask her why she is only reacting by being snide to the children of her daugther... Was she like that before your FMIL passed, or only recently?
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#5 Alliekatb



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Posted 26 March 2008 - 08:04 AM

thanks for all your comments.

Gran hasn't spoken to either FH or myself since the invitations have gone out. I'm very close with FSIL and she is coping the brunt of all of Gran's complaining. Even she has had enough.

Gran is a very opinionated woman even before FMIL passed away.

FH went to her house with his father and sister for dinner last night, I already had plans, which I was happy to cancel but FH didn't want me to so I didn't go to the dinner. As soon as FH walked in her front door she demanded to know why I wasn't there as she needed to discuss the invitations with me... In the end FH had to sit and listen to all she had to say.

She told him she didn't think it was right that we weren't inviting any of the children as she was looking forward to having all of her family there (hang on there are people in my family who also aren't coming, it's our wedding not her family reunion). Then she went on about our bridal party and how she was angry that I didn't ask FSIL to be a bridesmaid... FH told her that my brother isn't one of his groomsmen and we didn't want to have to forcem them to be party of the bridal party, they are both happier just being guests, besides we are getting the 2 of them to do a reading at the ceremony any way.

then she found out that FH's second groomsman is his good friend Lauren. She wasnt' happy about that, her comment was "I've never heard of a girl as a groomsmen, what kind of wedding is this?"

I'm at the point of telling her that if she is going to behave this way then she can just not come.

What makes it harder is that we had discussed all of this with FMIL months ago and she loved the idea of a girl as a groomsman, and she didn't mind that FSIL wasn't in the bridal party, and she completely agreed with our choice for no children. We had told this previously to Gran but she doesn't seem to listen.

FH dislocated his elbow yesterday, when he told Gran all she said was "that's nice, now about these invitations..."


Anyway that's my rant...
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#6 future_mrs_smith



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Posted 27 March 2008 - 11:45 AM

You poor thing!!!!!!

My grandmother is just like that; perhaps worse. She completely took over my mother's wedding even though she didn't contribute to it; themes, food, etc. She's also racist and although she never goes to church and my mother wasn't baptised when she got married, hates Catholics (she was baptised Anglican). She hates my father because he's Italian (apparently that makes him dirty), rejected the first wedding invitation because it was in a Catholic church which did not meet one of her demands, and only came to see us once a year after we were baptised as Catholics because Dad goes to church regularly (and Mum ended up joining the church too), as well as refused to look after us when Mum was sick. In the end Mum blew up at her and refuses to see her, and my grandmother never sees us now.

However, one thing my Mum always says is that 'I should've stood up to her earlier'. She always says it, as because she let things slide, or just would be stubborn and ignore her Mum's rants, it built up and up to a point she hated her, and it completely split the family in result.

I’m giving you my advice what to do, because I have to do this with my grandmother for special events she must be invited to (even for my cousin’s weddings because they aren’t confident enough).

Just note, if your FGMIL is stubborn, then she will continue this behaviour until you stand up for yourselves. This doesn't mean yelling abuse at her, but acknowledging that if she continues to behave like this, then you will not accept it. You will need to organise a meeting with her to discuss how she has behaving, but before doing this, ask the family the best way to do it. Just remember; if they say ‘let it slide’ she will continue the behaviour. You might find the family will have things to say too, so they might want to attend.

When you organise to meet up with her, you have to make it clear what it’s about so she doesn’t think it’s about wedding plans. Eg. Call and said ‘I’d like you to come over for coffee Friday afternoon, as I would like to talk about the pressure you have been putting in myself and ……. in the lead up to the wedding.’

First discuss her behaviour about the death. Explain to her just like you did in the forum how your FH has been behaving, and that he is only emotionless because he feels like it’s his responsibility. Then ask if she understands that, and that he has been grieving. Tell her you and your FH is taking offense to the comments she is making to others, so that you have explained it to her so that she will understand and hopefully stop. Sort out with your FH what you will do if she doesn’t stop (eg. Not see her until the wedding, etc.) Ask her if she will stop it. If she says ‘no he should behave like this’ or something along the lines, explain again why he acts like that, and if she chooses not to stop what your FH and yourself will do to avoid her behaviour.

Then you’ll need to find out if she’s been pestering you about the wedding because she feels like she has to since you FMIL has passed away and someone ‘needs’ to take over that roles. (Ask something like ‘Since <FMIL> has passed away, you seem to be very interested in the wedding plans, although most of them were organised to <FMIL>’s wishes while she was alive. Do you feel like you must try to full her role since she has passed away, or is it that you don’t like what she has decided on so you feel like it needs to be changed?)

If she feels that someone should replace you FMIL, tell her that you will follow the plans that you have made with your FMIL to the bone, especially because she has died. You will not budge because everyone should respect her exact wishes, and that the decisions were made concrete before the death. (Which is useful because if you decide on things, you can always use the excuse ‘that’s what she wanted ;-) ). HOWEVER, tell her there are FMIL roles you do want her involved with, and find little things that doesn’t matter or her to do. Eg. Get her to get a memorial candle made for you FMIL that can be lit at the beginning of the ceremony, or to light the family candle in the ceremony (if you’re doing wedding candles), and anything that doesn’t matter the outcome. She should be happy that she has some things to do.

If she says she is just unhappy about the decision, go along the same lines as with what I said above, but you have to be more forceful. Go along the lines of ‘I’m not budging because my FMIL agreed on it, and it’s her wish’. Explain to her that it is not a family reunion, it’s your wedding, and you are inviting people who have had a positive effect on your lives, so people you do not know are not invited. Tell her to feel free to organise her own family reunion if she wants one, and you’re happy to help her do so after your wedding. You are also not inviting children because their parents deserve some time to relax and enjoy the wedding, not run after children and have to leave early to put them to bed, and there are alcoholic beverages so same something noble like ‘it’s not place for a child’. Also tell her the plans were made concrete with the FMIL before the death, and that they will not be changed in respect for her wishes and also due to budgets, and that it’s your wedding so you should like it as well. Also, still offer her to do the same FMIL roles and organise/buy little things that you don’t care about. After explaining this to her, ask if she understands that it’s your wedding, you are sticking with decisions that are concrete which you, FH and FMIL are happy with and like, and if there are decisions to be made, she will be included (although don’t always ;-) ). Also ask that if she doesn’t like something and chooses to tell you, if you say no, I’m not changing that/doing that, she must accept the decision. If she refuses to accept any of this that you are telling her, then you and your FH must decide what to do. In my opinion, I wouldn’t invite her, as we do with all the people involved with our family that refuse to say ‘yes, I won’t do it’ but it’s up to you. We just don’t invite them because there’s nothing worse than bitching and arguments at a special event.

I hope that helps, just remember; only state facts – ‘I don’t want you to do x because it makes me feel y, I would prefer to do z’ is the best way to approach any problem. NEVER use emotion, call her names, scream and yell at her (I won’t say cry because a good timed cry will often change the course of these things). And remember; being a stubborn person, she may refuse to accept it. But if you are reasonable, and tell other family members what you said (or if they are there to sit in on it like when I do it), she may end up coming around and the family will pressure her to do so because you were reasonable and she was not. And if she never comes around and you decide not to invite her, it may benefit your ceremony because it’s your wedding, it’s should be how you want it with no problems, especially from so-called loved ones.

Sorry this was so long….

#7 Swarles Barkley

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Posted 27 March 2008 - 01:20 PM

i would sit down and tell her that its not her wedding. or could you find a special role for her? something so that she is involved, maybe its just her way of coping
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#8 Gary Winnick

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Posted 10 November 2008 - 10:47 PM

i was kindly expecting a little better advice , like some legal words that would get his attention

#9 Santy-Claus



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Posted 10 November 2008 - 10:52 PM

QUOTE(Gary Winnick @ Nov 10 2008, 11:47 PM) View Post

i was kindly expecting a little better advice , like some legal words that would get his attention

What the?

#10 T-T


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Posted 11 November 2008 - 12:01 AM

QUOTE(Gary Winnick @ Nov 10 2008, 11:47 PM) View Post

i was kindly expecting a little better advice , like some legal words that would get his attention

How very random.

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