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#1 afterglow


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Posted 20 November 2007 - 10:54 AM

Ugh! So annoyed but can't really talk to H2B about it as we are a long-distance relationship and nothing comes out right over the phone / internet!!

We are having a very small reception and only inviting the people who are closest to us and who we want to share our special night with us. (We're having a larger afternoon tea beforehand for the not-so-special rellies / friends. Don't tell them I said that! hehe)

In casual chats with H2B and FMIL, we have talked about people we may / may not have there, and one day his mum got all teary and said that all she wanted was for her 2 best friends and their husbands to be there. We didn't say yes or no, just acknowledged it and changed the subject. MEANWHILE she tells the two friends they're invited. She has also mentioned to her brothers and sisters that they'll be invited...

H2B and I have pruned down our lists to make it as small and special as possible, and in the process, cut out 2 of his uncles and 1 of his aunts, as well as one of FMILs best friends and her husband.

When he tried to explain to her that he has nothing to do with them and that having them there really doesn't mean that much to him, she has got upset and said things like "well i don't know how I am going to tell them they're not invited...". My answer is don't tell them... just don't invite them. If they ask why they're not invited tell them then. Which I'm sure they won't ask anyway.

I am happy for them to come to the afternoon tea, which they probably won't as they live 350km away, but this day is about US, not her and her feelings / friends / family. If we don't feel close to someone we shouldn't have to invite them to share our day, should we?? Am I being unreasonable?

I have 30+ aunts and uncles and am only inviting 5! My parents understand our feelings and respect them but I can't get it through to her, and if I bring it up with H2B over the phone or net it kinda gets tense, even though we both feel the same. SIGH, does anyone have any suggestions for how to handle this??


#2 pinkbutterfly


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Posted 20 November 2007 - 10:58 AM

It IS your day, not hers. Tell her that you want to share your wedding day the people that are closest to you, and that doesnt include X, Y & Z... but say you are more than happy for her to invite whoever she likes to the arvo tea.

Sounds like hubby and you are coming fromt he same place, so you need to have a unified front. Get him to speak to his mum if that makes it easier...
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#3 *Simone*



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Posted 20 November 2007 - 01:04 PM

I'm not much help, but I think the best and only thing that your H2B can and should do is explain to her that you only want your (read: not her) closest family and friends because you only want a very special and intimate reception. That's what the two of you want for you one and only wedding ever (push the guilt vibe here). Then explain that her feelings have been taken into consideration, and all of the people she wants will be invited to celebrate with you at your afternoon tea. Try and give her a special job if you think letting her be more involved will help. One question, are these extra people coming to the ceremony?
I think this should all come from your H2B, and I would be very careful of FMIL if you end up inviting more people from your side than his! This could cause major drama!

#4 TEN


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Posted 20 November 2007 - 04:28 PM

This sounds SO familiar.

My now MIL wanted to invite 7 extra people who we didn't know, who my hubby doesn't even know. This was mentioned AFTER invites had gone out. We said no, then let her have 1 - her best friend, who shock horror, I had actually heard of!

My Hubby just had to be honest, and say we couldn't fit them, and we are only inviting people close to us. What I said to him, and he to her, is that I don't want to be hugging or getting congratulations from people I hardly know.

Good luck, its not a fun situation!

#5 JulieB


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Posted 21 November 2007 - 03:56 PM

*sigh* I sympathise with the guest list issues. My mother occasionally (read about once a fortnight) tries to guilt me in to inviting my entire extented family instead of just my parents and grandmother. We really have a choice between 350 (all of the aunts, uncles and cousins - FH is Greek...) and the 16 we have now. She doesn't quite understand that as soon as I invite one of them, I feel like I need to invite all of them (and the Greeks would get word and just descend).

No, you shouldn't need to justify your decisions to her, unless she's paying (my mother's latest trick was saying that she'd pay for the extras). If you think it's going to be really awkward, a(nother) quiet word with her would be in order. Otherwise, just send the invitations you want to send and let her deal with the flack.

#6 Sagacious



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Posted 10 December 2007 - 03:16 PM

It is so hard to say something without upsetting people!
My mother (and now MIL) tried to get us to invite all kinds of rellies/friends and extended family - right up until 3 days until the wedding when they said
"X is invited, isn't he?" - No. *insert rambled response here*

I hate confrontation at the best of times, and we both had to tell respective families - we are paying for this day ourselves. We want an intimate reception and to be around OUR closest family and friends.
It even got to the point with my own mother, that I had to say "well, you pay the $145 for each person you want to invite and they can come". Ha. That ended the argument right there - she is so tight! laugh.gif

Just do what you are doing now. If your MIL verbally or tentatively invited guests - that is HER problem to sort out now. If you are not invited by the host directly, it is not a formal invitation!

And if those guests bring it up, suggest they speak with your mother, and play dumb about the whole thing.
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#7 purplelily


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Posted 10 December 2007 - 03:39 PM

*hugs* weddings never go 100% smoothly do they!! I'm allowing my parents and h2b's parents to bring some people but only because they are paying most of the wedding and its going to be quite big.... but if its small and intimate then I completely agree with you... if it was me i'd make your fiancee do the talking its hard enough to get acceptance from the in-laws. Maybe if she knows that there are certain people close to you both that havent even been invited then she may realise. I think the rule should be that if you havent had dinner/spoken to the person in 6 months then they shouldn't be invited.

#8 HoneySoyChicken



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Posted 10 February 2008 - 09:54 PM

My FMIL did the same thing pretty much the day after we were engaged. I had always wanted only 50 people at my wedding, but low and behold three days after getting engaged the ENTIRE family knew (we didnt tell them, FMIL did a group email saying we wanted to get married in July 09 and that everyone should start saving )- great-aunts included.... My FFIL went told us that he told his aunt about us being together and she said she would like to come to the wedding... I'm sorry, but who is she?
Anyway, i realized the 50 people thing was impractical with mine and his family, so we agreed to between 80-100... at one stage his mother said "That's okay, we'll pay for anyone we invite".... WTF? Its not about who pays, it it? As MissGucci said, I don't want people hugging and congratulating us that would rather be doing a tour of Syndey Harbour....
Anywho, I don't envy your position,but after both myself and FH standing against her, we won- well, at least until it's time for the invites anyway... lol
One battle at a time, eh?
Goodluck dearie- hope it works out!

ETA- hope it WORKED out! LOL, didn't look at the date of this post tongue.gif Good luck with the wedding biggrin.gif
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#9 zohaa3492



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Posted 10 January 2015 - 10:06 PM

Yeah, it's my mum that won't come if I invite my step-mum.

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