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I don't want to invite my H2B's sister


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#1 beebeedee

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 11:29 AM

My H2B's sister and I have not gotten along since August last year. During a party at their place she told me I was a self centred bitch, when I asked her to qualify that statement she told me it was because of 'the kids'. H2B has 2 children from his previous marriage. I have taken them in and treated them as my own. They now reside with us full time and go to school 50 metres up the road. Life is good.

The problem I have is that she has never apologised for saying it and when I spoke to her mother the next day she said that she agreed with her daughter - it has left a sour taste in my mouth ever since. So much so that I don't go to their place anymore (sister lives with parents). I did approach his sister just before their father's 60th birthday in January asking her if we could try to resolve our differences. She said she was too busy and would call me. To this day I have not heard from her. I have been to their house on a couple of occassions and it's always been uncomfortable for me. H2B and I have never really had his family's blessing. His father hasn't congratulated us and even at our engagement party on Saturday his sister turned up uninvited. Now this may be because her parents TOLD her that she must attend. Whatever, she makes me feel terribly uncomfortable and now I've decided (against all advice from my own family and friends) that she is not to be invited to the wedding. My H2B knows exactly how I feel, he doesn't particularly like or get on with his sister, but I know that if she is not invited it will give more ammunition to his family against me. I'm at my wits end with butterflies in my stomach at the thought of her being there. We just want people there that will be happy for us and if she truly believes that I'm a self centred bitch then I can't ever see her being happy for us.

What to do? Invite her and just hope she can keep away from me all day. Not invite her and face the wrath of the family for ever and a day?

Just writing this makes me feel sick.


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#2 JuicyLife

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 11:44 AM

I really feel for you, this must be incredibly difficult. If it was me, I wouldn’t invite her. I believe you should only have people at your wedding that you love and respect, and that love and respect you. I don’t think you should 'have' to invite others because it will cause 'trouble' if you don’t. And I can’t think if anything worse than feeling nervous on your own wedding day because of the presence of a guest. I don’t understand why anyone would think that the bride should feel uncomfortable and stressed on her wedding day so that other members of the family will pacified - not on. I'd be tempted to not invite your FMIL either, given her behaviour.

In the end, you and H2B deserve to have a happy day, and not feel stressed out by the presence or behaviour of anybody.

Good luck with your decision,
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#3 tastebud

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 12:20 PM

Hmmm very difficult.

I agree with what alisoncray says but I think a letter to her outlining your current feelings would mean no stone was left unturned before making this decision. Then you (and others) would always know you had tried.

Good luck.


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#4 LiAsh

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 12:38 PM

This is a difficult decision!

I actually think that your H2B needs to make this decision, not you. It is his family, and family ties are important - and it could be an opportunity to make ammends, and for you to be the better person. Chances are, you'll be so busy on your day that you won't even notice what she's doing.

I had problems with my OH's family leading up to the Wedding, and even though I was very angry with the finger pointing and name calling that went on, I took a step back and let him deal with his family. It resulted in our Wedding being changed dramatically, but his family was all still invited, and now I actually have quite a good relationship with them compared to previous.

Weddings also bring out the best and worst in people, and if your H2B has been married before, then they're not going to be as excited about this one as they were the first, and your H2B's sister (I won't say SIL for you) might even be a tad jealous that he's getting married for a second time and she hasn't been.

The letter might be a good idea, but again, I feel that this should come from your H2B - not you. And I wouldn't mention them not being invited at this stage, but more that he's disappointed in her attitude and that he wished she would be more supportive of you and this wonderful time in both your lives.

The fact that you have accepted his kids so well might also be a source of contention for them, as they can't pick any flaws in you as they might have liked - so they start making things up. They might also be wary as his last marriage didn't last, and they might not want to get too close to you just in case, IYKWIM? I don't know the background of his previous marriage, but they might have been hurt by the break up too?

Damo was previously married as well, so I've experienced how hard it can be to be the 2nd marriage amongst his family and friends.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with this, and can only advise that you try to keep out of is as much as you can and let him deal with his family - otherwise you give them more ammo against you, and you really don't want to do that, I'm sure.

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#5 tastebud

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 01:05 PM

QUOTE(Mel_F @ Jul 26 2007, 12:38 PM) View Post

The letter might be a good idea, but again, I feel that this should come from your H2B - not you. And I wouldn't mention them not being invited at this stage, but more that he's disappointed in her attitude and that he wished she would be more supportive of you and this wonderful time in both your lives.


Actually correct my first, I have to agree with Mel F here. My hubby would always handle any probs I / we had with his family. Obviously if your h2b won't for whatever reason it may come down to you but his family relations are very much his responsibility.

This is sooo hard but I hope some resolution occurs for you smile.gif
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#6 TEN

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 01:23 PM

What a terrible situation for you to be in. She sounds like a nasty piece of work, and the mother doesn't sound much nicer!

If it was me, I would be leaning towards not inviting her, beacsue I really don't care if my H2Bs fam likes me or not!

If you do invite her, do you think she would behave? If not, then don't invite her - you deserve to be happy!

#7 beebeedee

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 02:10 PM

QUOTE
I actually think that your H2B needs to make this decision, not you. It is his family, and family ties are important - and it could be an opportunity to make ammends, and for you to be the better person.


I have asked H2B to build the bridges between his family and me many times. He just thinks I'm over reacting and not everyone was meant to get on. However it is impotant to me to have a good relationship with his family for the sake of 'our' children. I truly believe he is the only person that can make this happen now. I think H2B finds it all too hard and would rather not deal with it.



As I mentioned above I've tried with his sister. I think my best bet is to work on my relationship with his mum and then perhaps the relationship with his sister may come after that. This was advice given to my by my friend (just on the phone) and I think she maybe onto something here. Before the comments that his sister made in August last year I had a great relationship with both of H2B's parents. I'm going to try the whole 'I miss you' tact and see where that gets me. You never know it may make them think that his sister will be the one to miss out.



QUOTE
your H2B's sister (I won't say SIL for you) might even be a tad jealous


I would say that this is very much the case.


To have everyone there and to be part of his family and to be accepted is truly what I want.






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#8 Leapstar

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 02:35 PM

If I were you at this stage I would not have her on the list of the invitees to my wedding. I would not want someone there who has said those type of things to me and about me at my wedding, especially when there has been no resolution afterwards.

However, families being what they are, I would attempt again to make peace with the sister. Take the high road so to speak and then you know that you have at least attempted to do the right thing.

I would just tell her that you felt very hurt by the comments that she made to you and that for the sake of her brother (your fiance) you would like to try and move on from there and if not have a friendship at least a civil and polite relationship with her. Leave it at that and don't try and delve any deeper. If she again brushes you off then I would tell your fiance that you have tried your best and that you don't want her there.

Good luck biggrin.gif

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#9 MrsZ2B

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 05:09 PM



I had a similar situation with some extended family (cousins, aunties etc) and the bottom line is its your day, not theres and they dont deserve to be there if they behave that way.

It seems as though it it this way in your case anyway but, i do think as its H2B family you need to agree on the decision, so he supports you and he handles the situation if that makes sense, i think when the family see it as a decision you both make you're better off.

Good Luck :0)

#10 indigo

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Posted 26 July 2007 - 11:05 PM

I think like the others have said: it's your fiance's family, he should be dealing with them.
He's actually leaving you hamstrung because you are being hurt by them but are trying to be polite for his sake. It's not fair. Even if it's like he says that some people just don't get along, it still doesn't give them any right to put you down or namecall. It's also easier for them as they are a family unit who will back one-another up whereas you are only one person who is easily out-numbered. I think that he needs to stand up and protect you a little against their behaviour, otherwise I think you're perfectly justified in feeling how you are.
I would be a little careful though because the parents will probably interpret the sister's non-invitation as more ammunition against you....this really is something that has to come from your fiance.

BTW, I went through a VERY similar thing with my inlaws during our engagement. PM me if you ever need to talk or a shoulder to lean on smile.gif
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#11 beebeedee

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Posted 27 July 2007 - 10:57 AM

Ladies,


Thank you for all your comments. I have taken them on board. I took H2B out for dinner last night to discuss this situation. We have made in-roads. His parents are coming for dinner on Sunday afternoon when they drop the children off.



I think my best bet is to work on his mother and try and become friends and get our relationship back to where it was before all the crap hit the fan last August. I had a good relationship up until that point and I think being the mature one out of all of this I need to be the one to make more of an effort.



H2B's daughter - my step-daughter is our flower girl, her dress is being made as we speak but we need to accessorise so I'm hoping to invite FMIL to come shopping with us. I'm hoping this is a gesture she'll take on board and we can start from there.



Thank you so much ladies for all your comments. If I had my way the sister wouldn't be invited but that's not giving us the best start in married life. So onwards and upwards. I'll let you know how I go on Sunday with the FMIL.






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#12 dele

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Posted 30 July 2007 - 04:05 PM

Personally, I think you should try to sort things out before the wedding. Perhaps ring her and ask her to meet you for coffee or a drink and a chat so you can both get a few things off your chest.

I think if it were me, I would invite her anyway because as a PP said, on the day you won't really care what she is doing but you will have to deal with DF family for the rest of your life and that is a long time when they are all holding grudges!

#13 beebeedee

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Posted 30 July 2007 - 04:44 PM

We took the children to their grandparents on Saturday and we stayed for lunch. H2B's sister was there and I said hello - it was amicable. The grandparents came for dinner last night when they dropped the children off and again it was a pleasant evening. I would dearly love to get this over the line before the wedding and I'm taking baby steps in an effort for this wedding to be wonderful for ourselves and for everyone involved (ie. parents). Onwards and upwards.
Thanks for your advice ladies - sometimes you just need an ear that hasn't heard all the dramas before.
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#14 In Visible

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Posted 31 July 2007 - 09:40 PM

Bee I think the effort you are making is really admirable. You are being the bigger person here and trying to sort it out.

I think bearing all this in mind I would invite her to the wedding. You guys may not get on right now or even on the day of your wedding but who knows what will happen in 10 years time? Not inviting her may do irrepairable damage. I can understand not wanting someone at your wedding how isnt happy for you. I had that person there. It was my twin sister. And Im not going to lie to you she was a b*tch to me on my wedding day and Im stuck with those memories. But on the other hand we have both done some growing up recently and our relationship has improved so I am glad she was there.

Good luck and well done you!


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