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help me with my mum


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#1 bec : o)

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Posted 13 July 2007 - 01:15 PM

Ok, i need to vent. My mum is being so over the top lately with wanting to make all the decisions and not letting us decide.

First it was with the bridesmaid dresses, but that got solved after finally finding one that we all liked. Mum wanted to go the full blown formal look, but i wanted a bit more femine and less formal.

Then it was with number of guests and kids coming to the wedding. My h2b has 10 nephews...so we are definetly going to have kids there. Originally we all agreed on having no more than 100 guests. Now she is saying 'oh 80 is a nice number i think'....we are already up to 88 definites...ggrr.

Then she is asking who we are inviting...with our friends and all...we have only invited our closest friends to the wedding. She then says oh but i would like to invite..... who is a work college of hers....what the???? I said to her but you just dont invite people like that, but then she says but i would like her to be there. Oh and what about .....who is a godfather to my cousin.,....who i have no connection to what so ever...he could come too... One minute she is saying to us why are these people coming then wants all these other guests to come.

But now im really at my wits ends.... We have made up a rough seating plan for all the guests at the reception. Now with my h2b's nephews...at every other gathering, e.g weddings, 50th's, engagement party etc etc... the kids have always had a table of their own that is usually next to where their parents sit...all of h2b's sisters and their husbands.

Mum is saying to me that she wants all the kids to sit with their parents and not on a table by themselves. Technically they will be....right next to them, caus they are rectangular tables...just 1 long one split into 2. I said to her but we both want the kids to sit on their own table, and thats what they have all done. She kicked up a stink and said fine do what you want and hung up.

I went around and asked to borrow her address book to write family relatives addresses onto the invites. She said that was fine. When i went to leave she said you cant take it with you, what happens if i need it... I was like huh...what do you expect me to do?? memorise them or write every one down?? I said to her i would bring it back this afternoon and she said fine. As i went to walk out the door she said 'oh and by the way i spoke to your father about having kids at the their own table and we are both very disappointed'. I didnt say anything, said bye and walked out.

I seriously do not know what to do anymore. As much as i try to reason with her or explain she doesnt approve. Its our wedding not hers, but she wont let up....help me ladies please before i pull my hair out from dispair.

#2 ~Sally~

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Posted 13 July 2007 - 01:27 PM

Mmmm mothers, love 'em sometimes, other times you wish they would just 'shhh!'!!!

I think you doing well by telling her you will do it 'THIS' way, not letting her decide what she thinks should be going on for your day. She can make a fuss and a flap, but in the end as long as your happy with what is being done that that is what matters!

As for this matter...

QUOTE(bec : o) @ Jul 13 2007, 01:15 PM) View Post

Then she is asking who we are inviting...with our friends and all...we have only invited our closest friends to the wedding. She then says oh but i would like to invite..... who is a work college of hers....what the???? I said to her but you just dont invite people like that, but then she says but i would like her to be there. Oh and what about .....who is a godfather to my cousin.,....who i have no connection to what so ever...he could come too... One minute she is saying to us why are these people coming then wants all these other guests to come.


Who is paying for the reception may I ask?? Strange question I know, but if she's paying for it, then it's her money she's spending on her friends/weird relatives - stick them all at a table together and put all of your friends together. But if it's your money - put your foot down. Let her know that they are welcome at the ceremony, but your reception is limited to X number of people and (once again) as it is YOUR day!!!

We had a few on my MIL's friends there, but they were her absolute closest friends who were there when my DH and his sibilings were born (even before that) and grew up. So I was happy for them to be there (all 4 people she invited).

Parents can do strange things when it comes to weddings.

Goodluck!!!!

Cxx


#3 pinkbutterfly

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Posted 13 July 2007 - 01:33 PM

As for guests, It would be nice invite everyone under the sun, but realistically it cant be done (unless you're a Packer).

We only had people at our wedding that we were close to too, so some of Ians prents friends were there, but we see them alot too and they are a part of our lives, my Mum didnt invite anyone and neither did my Dad.

My mum in particular forgot the day was about me and my husband, and thought it was all about her. Not much we can do but try to let it go.
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#4 Telle

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Posted 13 July 2007 - 01:41 PM

Oh no. She pulled out the 'disappointment' line. It's the harshest of them all. sad.gif

So let's really think about. She's going to be disappointed that the kids aren't sitting right next to their parents. How much will it really effect her? Not much I presume.

I think this is less about the finer details and more about her wanting more power. Do you think that she might be struggling with her little girl getting married? I wonder if she's trying to maintain some control over the decisions you make, and the things you do. She's been doing it for years, and wants to keep doing so.

We teach people how to treat us. So I'd put my foot down. I'd say I want all the kids to be together on the day. Back up your statement. I want them to give their parents a little bit of a break. I wanted to make a cute kids table. I will give them activities to do. If the kids want to go and sit on their parents laps for five minutes, so be it.

I think if you give in this time, there is always going to be another thing. Perhaps it's worth putting your foot down now and letting her know that you are capable of making decisions that you want. smile.gif

Wishing you all the luck in the world. xx
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#5 bec : o)

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Posted 13 July 2007 - 04:05 PM

Thanks for your support girls...tess im thinking exactly along the lines you are.

My parents are paying most of the wedding costs, as in per head for the meals, my h2b is covering the bar tab costs, and we are paying for everything else.

An update, unfortunately. Mum rang and asked what we were doing tonight....i said nothing but i wasnt really sure caus h2b was out cutting wood and i would ask when he got home and then asked her why? She said that she wanted to sit down with us and look over what arrangements we had made with the guest list and seating arrangements caus she wasnt happy with kids sitting at a table by themselves.

I said that my h2b and i had taken their considerations into account but still agreed and decided to put them on a table by themselves so the parents c ould have some time to catch up and the kids could have activities and things to do. Then she started going off at me, saying that if they were putting money towards it then they should have the final say. I said to her, thinking calmly that h2b and i should have the final decision really caus it is our day but we always take in their thoughts and considerations. She started to get angry and i said to her that i didnt want to argue with her. Then she said well fine if we dont get the final say then we are not paying anything and hung up in my ear.

Im so upset. I try so hard to reason with her without having any arguments. But she wants so much control over this wedding and wants the final say just because she is putting money towards it. Its like she is trying to manipulate me in forcing me to make decisions just because of the money.

I feel so frustrated with her and dont know what to do. We havent budgeted for the reception costs that she is paying for....im just about ready to say dont worry about any of the money and go and get a personal loan....either that or elope. We said to her when they offered to pay towards it that we didnt expect then to pay anything, and that they didnt have to if they didnt want to.

#6 Smooch

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Posted 13 July 2007 - 07:23 PM

Oh Bec you poor thing!!!

I could write this myself about 2 months ago. This is exactly word for word what my parents said to me and H2B.

H2B cracked it one day and we went over to their place and he did all the talking. Told them we were thankful for their offer to pay for the wedding but if they were going to keep up their demands (obviously said very diplomatically) that they could shove their money where the sun don't shine and we would be changing all aspects of the wedding and they wouldn't be included. Not to mention the distress they were putting me under with their demands and told them that it wasn't fair that he was thrust into the middle when all he wants to do is make me his wife.

Needless to say I was mortified but you know what, it was the best thing that ever happened. They respected us more as H2B stood up to them and that won their respect (stupid isn't it really!).

Maybe your H2B having a word with them and telling them how it is might just be the best thing for you also.

I know it's so hard but honestly, they will do anything to be part of your day, so they will back down once they get a dose of their own medicine. And even if they don't, yeah you have every right to be mad at them and sad that they are being royal pains in the ass, but on the day, you will know that you did it your way.

I hope it gets better

xox

#7 bec : o)

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Posted 13 July 2007 - 10:45 PM

Oh thanks Smooch, you really made me smile with your words of support. I seriously do not know what i would do without my i-do girls.

I spoke to my nan, my mum's mum tonight. She will prob will flip if she finds out but hey you get that considering the situation. Nan was really good. She said that i was doing the right thing and that we did need to stand up to them and say this is they way we want it caus its our wedding. She made a good point to say to them is that its not worth stressing the relationship of mother/daughter of who is sitting where or having the final say, especially with manipulating. She was saying exaclty what all of you have said and also what my h2b have agreed on is that we never expected them to pay anything, they offered and we were grateful. If my parents cant accept the fact that we are going to make the final decisions on things, even though we appreciate their opinions and thoughts, then we will pay for the wedding ourselves.

H2b also said to me that he would say that to them and also add that they are are welcome to come to the wedding, and that we have set up a honeymoon registry if they would like to contribute. But ultimetly it is our wedding, we are the ones that will look back on our day, so we would appreciate if they let us decide on what we would like to have and do at the wedding.

My nan also said to me that she had said to my mum earlier in the year that why not just give what ever money they feel necessary towards the wedding, then leave it up to them to decide. She said that mum got cranky and said that if they were going to put money towards, then they were going to have a say in how it is spent.

I feel a bit better after talking to all of you and listening to my nan and h2b, i just wish my mum would see it the same way.

#8 MrsZ2B

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Posted 14 July 2007 - 06:34 AM

Hey Bec,

Not much i can add everyone else, seems to have covered it, thats whats so great about coming on here!! I just wanted to say that i believe as the others have said that its your day, it sounds like you've been very reasonable but you have to draw the line somewhere.

Weddings are something that even though they are so amazing and exciting (which im srue yours will be) they seem to bring out the wost in so many people.

Big Hugs babe, and good luck with H2B chatting to them.



#9 Smooch

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Posted 14 July 2007 - 07:37 AM

laugh.gif Bec you're Mum sounds so much like my Mum I think we should check that we aren't related! laugh.gif

Hey, if you don't laugh about it, you will cry and stress out and no bride needs another stress pimple!

I think what your Nan has said is spot on. It's not worth you and your Mum holding grudges against each other over where your H2B cousins sit. Maybe get H2B to say to her, no this is what I want as this is what my family does at every function and they prefer it this way so they don't have to worry about the kids and the kids like it better. Coming from his mouth will most likely have more power than coming from yours. As she will think that you are just going against everything that she says (power struggle maybe) where as parents just accept what H2B's say!

I really think you need to get him involved with this so that you Mum can see you have someone else in your life now making this decisions with you and she best get used to it smile.gif

You Mum is waving the money over your head, using that to control you and once she realises that you don't need her money, things will be different.

I don't think she is intentionally being a witch, but she is struggling to let go of you and you making your own choices and she has to get used to the fact that she isn't number 1 in your life anymore. As painful as it might be, try and nurture that side of her personality and she might find the transition a little bit easier.

We got together with my parents last weekend and told them our choices in the menu and asked them their thoughts.... not that we were going to change our choices, but so they felt included. Try and do little things like this with her and she will hopefully back off a little bit smile.gif

Hope it improves and keep us posted!

xox

#10 bec : o)

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Posted 14 July 2007 - 08:58 AM

haha smooch. I had a girlfriend say the same thing about her mum. Even though she is not related, her mum is alot like my mum, she said that i can pull out the i know how you feel book and guide her with experiences when she gets married....no time soon though.

Thank you so much girls for your support. H2b and i had a big talk last night about it. Its funny caus we have completely agreed on this situation and decision the whole way through. He has been really supportive and reassuring as well.

My mother with dangling a carrot strategy is definetly what she is doing and i dont need the stress and worry. We are going to put our foot down, and H2b is going to do most of the talking.

Hopefully things will be more positive and she will realise and let us do what we would like to do. I will let you know what happens.

#11 dele

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Posted 24 July 2007 - 12:14 PM

Families are great aren't they rolleyes.gif

I think you should stand your ground if you feel strongly about these things and don't let your parents bully you just because they are contributing financially. If they don't want to contribute if they don't get their own way then I would be finding the money elsewhere.

On a side note, is there a reason why you want the kids on a separate table? Personally, I don't think this is a great idea. DH and I discussed this option but we went to a wedding about six months before ours and the couple had the kids on a table of their own and it was a NIGHTMARE! The kids were so loud and obnoxious because there were no parents sitting there to deal with them, their parents were on the next table but because they weren't sitting with them to see what was happening some turned a blind eye to it and the others spent most of their night at the kids table trying to control the monsters. The kids ranged from 3 or 4 to mid teens so most of them should have known better but they were all little brats!!! They were throwing food across the table at each other, ruining the decorations/centrepieces, yelled and screamed all through the speeches and just generally showing off in front of one another. We decided then and there that there was no way we were having our day ruined and that our neices and nephews would sit with their parents so they could not act up.

Just something to think about...




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