Has anyone ever been in the situation where you feel that your mother does not really understand or wish to support you in your relationship?

I have been in a relationship with my Luke for 5 years and 4 months and recently the topic of getting engaged has become quite prominent. I am 21 which means that sure...Im young but that doesn't mean jack in my eyes as I am in love with Luke.

Everytime I mention to my mum that we will probably get engaged sometime throughout the year she cringes and says to me "stop talking about it...I don't need the extra stress" WTF! How does the fact that Luke and I are getting engaged stress her out. Its really got nothing to do with her and if it is money she is worrying about I have already told her that we don't plan to marry until 2010.

She also says to me "we just gave you a 21st and now you'll be wanting us to give you an engagement party". Again, WTF! I never once asked her to give me an engagement party, in fact, I told her that I only wanted a small celebration like a sausage sizzle, fully paid for by Luke and I, with my closest friends and immediate families (6 of them)

I also don't understand why my dad is so supportive of Luke and I when she isn't. When I told dad about our plans he THANKED me for telling him in advance so that they would have enough time to save for a wedding. He also said I knew it would be coming soon...Luke and I have been together since we were 15.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel that when it does happen and we start making plans etc, my mum wont support me when I need her. I don't have many friends as Im a shy person and will need her. Not only that but I am fighting with her all the time because I get so angry about the way she is acting. I need advice.

Hi nat nat, sorry to hear your situation. Sounds like maybe you need to talk to your Mum and ask her what is wrong. It doesn't sound like she is being specific about what is wrong. And even then, asking can be even harder than not knowing.

Do you and your Mum usually talk about what is bothering her/you?

Good luck and I hope it all goes well, I am sure it will!

Hi Nat Nat

I am sorry to hear you are having these probs and I understand how hard it is. When my H2B and I got engaged on boxing day last year I thought everyone in our families would be as excited as I was but instead some people are completely disinterested, the fact that we have been together over 5 years and living together for 3 1/2 kinda overshadows the whole engagement is a milestone thing for them. Others incredibly negative. I have also found the wedding planning process can bring out strange reactions in some people.

I agree with Maybride that as hard as it may be you need to sit down and talk to your mum about what her concerns are about you getting engaged to Luke seeing as you have been with him for so long. It is better that you deal with it now so that when you do get engaged they will be happy and excited for you rather than making you feel bad over it.

Good luck with everything and we are all here to listen to you if you need to talk!

I felt like I wasnt recieving the support I wanted from my mother when I was planning my wedding. I was really dissappointed but in the end I just faced reality and to make matters easier for myself I just left my family out of it and didnt involved them much.

I planned our wedding myself with my h2b and the help of people on this form and we paid for it ourselves.

We just told people where and when to rock up and let any concerns/opinions run off our backs. It was so much better this way. I needed to be around posititve energy more then being around a mother that wasnt being supportive.

Hi Nat Nat, sorry to hear about your dilemna. You & Luke have been together since you were kids, and it's a beautiful thing to be with someone from that age and grow up with each other, and still be in love. Me & FH were the same age, 10 yrs later, getting married.

21 is not young by any means, my cousin was married at 18, 2 kids and still together.

It's all a state of mind. Maybe she scared of 'losing' you. It's not as if you're getting married next week and it's all too sudden. Money is always a problem in any family situation. Maybe mum is freaking out coz she doesn't have all the facts about your plans. I'd recommend to get her on a good day and have a long chat about it, with your dad there too, he's seems to be supportive of the idea.

Of course you need her around to help with the Wedding, but there's so much you'll want to do on your own because there will be too much opinion & conflict otherwise.

Don't stress out hun, give it time, it'll work out. If you need to chat, PM me (trust me, I know how shit is feels to have family conflict, major probs with my wedding too)

Thanks so much guys for your support and advice.

I will try and talk to mum but this has always been hard as she always jumps the gun and responds before I say what I want to say. My dad is always playing the mediator. I guess thats why Im so much closer to dad.

What I was thinking about doing was sitting down with dad first and explain to him how I am feeling about mums reaction. he will probably say the same thing you guys are all saying "Talk to mum"
but at least I know I will have his support.

But come to think of it...she has never really supported my relationship with Luke. When we were at highschool she always used to say "You will grow up and realise that your not meant to be with him" or "You will go to uni and meet other people". I really don't understand.

I don't want to bag out my mum as I know it sounds that way. My mum is a very strong woman who always did everything for me just to make sure that I was kept happy. I think thats half the problem...I feel that this time she is trying to STOP me from being happy.

Hi there

I just wanted to add mum's can be funny things, especially where it concerns their daughters. My mum was opposed to us when we get engaged, she was very scared of losing me and also her mum was opposed when she got engaged so it was like history repeating itself.

She will come around, my mum was the PROUDEST person on our day, she couldn't stop laughing, crying and shaking, but that is my ma, very emotional and very beautiful.

Just take your time, this is a transition for her as well and if you and Luke stick together united, she will see how strong you are. Mum's just have a very funny way of concealing things that's all.

Good luck
Jo x

I was just turning 17 when my husband and I got together, we got engaged after 6 years and when we were living together for 3 1/2. My mum was always saying the same things about that I wasn't engaged or married to him so I should enjoy myself and meet other people at uni cos they were the best days of my life etc. I'd get really offended at stuff like that & she'd say she had 'nothing against him' but the subtext was that there was nothing 'for' him either and I should meet others and not settle down with him.

However, when we got engaged, she stopped all of that and became really supportive. She could see that was what I wanted and that he made me happy and that we were committed to each other and since that's what was going to happen she would need to support us.

My husband is quite shy anyway but my mum is also quite set in her ideas and opinions of things and is quite difficult to deal with if you don't agree with her (which I don't a lot of the time). So in all dealings with her, my husband hasn't really shown her too much of his 'true' self so I guess she just didn't know why I loved him (there is also a bit of a language barrier also, while my parents have been here for 31 years, it's still hard for them to grasp many expressions, jokes etc). But on our wedding night my husband delivered the most beautiful speech which pretty much showed everyone why I love him and my mum said to me that night that she loves him like her own son. A year on and he is opening up to her more and more and letting her get to know his sense of humour and has been nothing but supportive of our relationship.

I would agree that you should speak to your mum, but also give her time. Maybe she's just worried about you settling down so young and not having been with other people as an adult, but what people who think like that don't realise is that you know when you're with 'the one' regardless. Anyway, sorry for going on so long, I wish you the best of luck

As I was reading your post, it sounds so much to me like your mum is worried about the financial side of things. From your point of view, thats not your first thought naturally. Even though you plan to pay/organise it yourself, I'm guessing your mum would like to do this for her daughter and help out as much as she can. I'm not presuming to know your parents financial side of things but no matter what they are, I'm sure they'd like to give you everything they can during these exciting times.

I would sit down with her and have a chat about it. I'm sure she is supportive of yours and Lukes relationship and that it is things aside from this that is stressing her.

(hugs)

x

Hi Hon. Oh i could have written that all myself.

When Brian and I got engaged my mums first response was to complain about the cost. Hell we hadnt had a ring on my finger more than an a hour! This went on for ages

However, over time she has calmed down a bit, and asked we sat down and worked out a budget with a set amount from her, what we would contribute, and how my dad would contribute. I may have embellised a bit on the prices, but it kept her happy.

maybe you just need to sit down and talk to her about it.

Again, I just want to thank you girls for the support. Its sad but at the same time comforting to know that Im not the only one. At least I know that I can always come here and talk to you girls.

These girls always have great advice.

I just wanted to add that maybe when you speak to her you could have a list with you - a list of what things you want/need, and what you will pay for out of your own pockets. So let her know you have planned certain things (like your engagement party), and make a plan of how much they will cost and what you are willing/able to pay yourselves.

This will give her a clear indication that you are really serious about this, you are on top of things, and that you are not expecting material things from her. So she will have nothing to stress about and she will know you are not just fantasising about being a bride, but being very mature and realistic. She will appreciate that.

Good luck with the chat and let us know how you go

as moore said, everyone has something fab to say was your mum married young? she may have her own issues that she hasnt dealt with yet. i would def have a list on hand so the you both dont get off the subject.

its best to deal with it now, she prob has no idea what she is saying is hurting you so much.

good luck, let us know how you go

sounds like your mum doesn't like him. maybe he was okay as a first boyfriend, but now that it's looking more permanent and like he's going to be around for good then maybe she's thinking he's not good enough for you, that you would somehow 'do better' than him. i've watched my sister date a guy my mum didn't like at all, and she is nice to their faces but she can't wait until my sister "sees the light" and dumps his sorry butt.

maybe she is watching you do the same thing she did (im guessing here) - getting married young to the first guy she dated - and maybe it hasn't turned out as she wanted and she fears the same thing will happen to you?

maybe she is actually worried about the money factor - that's easily fixed if you explain to her how serious you are about paying for the whole shebang yourselves.

good luck - hope it all blows over