Apologies as I know there seem to be quite a few FMIL or FPIL vents on this site but I had to get this all of my chest!

I've been with FH for over 6 years and have made EVERY attempt possible to form a relationship with his parents. However, no matter how hard I try, FMIL tells FH at least every couple of months that she doesn't think I like her. This causes issues between FH and I because we argue over it... He thinks I'm hiding something from him because I get angry when he tells me and so he starts to think that maybe I don't like her and am not telling him. I'm angry because I feel like I'm trying so hard but it goes unrecognised. No matter what I do, she still decides that I don't like her.

I guess I just need some opinions as to whether I'm being unreasonable or if FMIL has the problem.

Here are some incidents/scenarios that might give you all a better picture:

- FMIL is an only child and I believe has only-child syndrome. If the conversation is directed away from her she will direct it back to being about her. FH still lives with his parents so when I go over to their place and I haven't seen him in a couple of days I like to spend time with HIM. I'll come in, say hello to her, ask her how her day was and then go straight to spending time with FH alone. Apparently that means that i don't make an effort with her ?? I don't understand..

- We don't have a lot in common so when I try to talk with her we find there's not all that much to talk about. I'm not a particularly girly-girl and am in a completely different career to FMIL. I try to join in her conversations about young children's medical issues and/or knitting or craft, but when I talk about my IT-related career her eyes glaze over and she gives up and changes the conversation.

- I'm not a materialistic person and don't expect gifts from anyone so I can't believe this even bothers me but... Every birthday and christmas over the past 6 years I have gone out of my way to find a present for FMIL that is something SHE would love. Something that suits her personality or that she mentioned she didn't have. I have always received in return something that is so out of character and goes completely against my personality that you would wonder if it was picked for someone else and then given to me. I make the effort to use/wear the gift at least once to look as though I like it but am then told how upset she is that I don't use/wear it ALL THE TIME! My parents actually ask me what FH wants to ensure they get him something he actually wants. Not once has FMIL even made the effort to do that.

I even once was wearing these christmas tree earrings and she liked them so I went and bought her a pair exactly the same. This christmas when we were both wearing them she said "Oh look, we're like twins. Where did you get your earrings?" She FORGOT that I had done something nice for her!

- For our e-party last week I prepared all the food myself. That's something I wanted to do because I love cooking and isn't the point. I made these zucchini frittatas (egg, sour cream, cheese etc) which were to be served as is. FMIL took them around to guests (food that I had spent hours preparing) with the sweet chilli dipping sauce that went with another more appropriate dish. When I politely said "Do you want me to take the sauce off that platter? It doesn't go with those." she said "No. I like them better with the sauce." THEN, 3 different people told me that she went around saying "blovesd says the sauce is meant to be served with something else but make sure you try it because they taste MUCH better with the sauce."

- I've tried really hard to think of something that FMIL has gone out of her way to do for me but I honestly can not think of one. I, for example, actually BOUGHT her one of those ANZ piggy banks when they were selling them for a fundraiser because she liked them and didn't want to open an account just to get one for free. Not because she asked, but because I saw them and thought of her. FBIL's girlfriend doesn't like christmas pudding so she made her a special icecream version with fresh fruit. I don't like christmas pudding either...FBIL's girlfriend has been around 6 months, I've been around 6 years.... I watch everyone else eat pudding every year! Go figure!

So..... am I the unreasonable one here?

I think that dealing with a FMIL is always pretty difficult. It's hard for a mother to cut the apron strings, just as it is hard for a partner to understand why the FMIL can't relinquish their role more quickly. What makes it even harder is that, as you've said, you are completely different people, so where you might think you're being perfectly reasonable (and you probably are), since you're so different in attitude, it makes sense that she would probably think you aren't.

I understand where you're coming from totally, and there are always going to be things that bother you (such as the dipping sauce incident) but the task at the moment will be to learn what things are worth fighting for and what things are trivial. Some things also get taken right out of context because you're already shouldering a grudge against her. In the sauce incident, perhaps it wasn't so much of a go at you but rather the fact that she felt inadequate as she hadn't contributed food etc. to the e-party and by making a personal comment like that (albeit a dumb, insensitive one) made it seem like she was part of the process. Important.

I know it's frustrating, but sometimes going out of our comfort zone and extending the hand of friendship is the better way to go. Maybe when you go around to their house, you could make a point of having a cup of coffee first, purely with her, or make a point of complimenting something she's wearing, doing etc. Take her to a movie or the market or find something that's tolerable for the both of you. I'd say that the reason she's saying that you don't like her is for one of three reasons:
1. She is worried she is losing her little boy and is therefore trying to rift you
2. She is used to more attention than you give her
3. She genuinely thinks you don't like her.

It doesn't matter which of the three it is, she's insecure and you're going to have to help her, WITHIN REASON of course. Gosh, I'm rambling. I hope this helps.

oh my.

i could have posted that myself....

i dont really have any advice, but i am sucking up gayle's advice!

i am going to see FMIL in 5 weeks and counting.... I'm not sure how i'm going to cope with this..... actually - i'm feeling very nervous....

good luck.... if all else fails, i just remind myself that i'm the one with the ring on my finger now so she has to deal with it! (oh, and im very lucky that she lives in Port MacQuarie and we are Canberra!)

Hmm... I think that almost everyone in here has had FMIL or FFIL issues at one point or another - but it appears that the most difficult ones are when the H2B is still living at home.

Because he's still at home, you're always entering your FMIL's domain. From experience, FMIL problems are also compounded if she doesn't have any daughters - she is used to being the main female in their lives, and likes to think of them relying on her for everything.

You may be right about the only child syndrome as well - she doesn't appear to think about others - which you obviously do.

My advice for you is as hard as it is, don't stress about it. YOU know you're trying, and your H2B should see that! If he doesn't, then make sure he does - he is the one who needs to stand up for you when his Mum says stuff.

Also, don't let her drag you down!!! When you're a nice person who thinks about other people and tries to make them feel happier, better; you run the risk of being taken advantage of. When people like your FMIL don't acknowledge what you're doing (for whatever reason), they will continue to take and take and take from you until there's nothing left but a tightly wound ball of stress and frustration and anxiety.

I think you need to talk to your H2B about this and show him the examples you've given here - perhaps then he can start to answer back to her and make her realise that you are trying.

P.S. If she trys the earring thing again - forgetting that you bought them for her? Just smile and say "The same place you got yours - I bought them for you, remember?" and then walk away. Not only have you reminded her that you did buy them, you've shown everyone else that you're a better person than her. Don't lower yourself to her level!! Thats the worst thing you could do.

But good luck! I hope it all works out for you in the end, and this is just a passing frustration that you can work through with your H2B.

Who knows what her motivations are for why she is the way she is.

Have you thought about sitting down with her and having a chat with her about the kind of the relationship that you would like to have with her?

Trying to drop hints, being overly nice and/or superficial will only cause issues further down the track. I would suggest that you call her and ask her out for coffee and see how you get on.

Good luck!

I agree with Vik.

Saying hi and walking off and doing superficial things won't help to build a relationship - find something you have in common, and organise to do something together. Does she also like cooking? Would you go to a cooking demonstration or class together?

I think it is very important to do all you can to maintain the relationship your fiance has with his mother, and develop a good relationship with her yourself. Sometimes they're just evil and it is impossible, but I don't think your FMIL sounds like a harpy - just try and get to know her better.

Good luck.

I disagree.............I dont think you can build a relationship with someone that doesnt want to have one!!!

Because he's still at home, you're always entering your FMIL's domain. From experience, FMIL problems are also compounded if she doesn't have any daughters - she is used to being the main female in their lives, and likes to think of them relying on her for everything.

The above quote from Mel_F hits home with me............I totally think its true.

My MIL has said to me more than once (and in front of others) 'He was mine 1st' for example.
Someone said that maybe I should ask Hubby to do something in particular and her response was' I will ask him ',he will do it for me, he was mine 1st afterall, then a little giggle!!!' Drives me crazy!!
and if I mention that we are all going somewhere and that he isnt coming she will say 'Leave it to me I will tell him he is going, he will listen to his mother!!' Oh my god it makes me feel like screaming!!

Anyway I have had my vent now..........lol...........back to you thebecki, it is likely she wont change........so keep your time with her limited and just smile and dont let her see that she bothers you.........if she has a suggestion for example tell her what a great idea, when she sees you have risen above it then maybe she might grow up and just forget about her silly little games.

It worked for me.

Lots of Luck.

Lisa

Take a different approach with her and STOP caring. Why should you? She doesn't make the effort. You are probably giving of signs that you are stressed out around her and giving her all the dominance. She probably treats you this way because she knows that she has you under control. Worry less about her and more about fun positive things unrelated when she is around. Don't snob her, just don't worry about her either. Maybe she'll figure out what she's missing. If not, who cares! You've done your bit you owe her nothing

i would work on FH. i would carefully write down each incident that pisses me off (so i remember the details) and if its still pissing me off in a few days / when FH brings it up / when FH says you don't like his mum - then i would carefully explain to him MY POINT OF VIEW. repeatedly. until he gets that you are at least as important, if not more so, to his life than FMIL and you deserve a little trust and/or 'sticking up for'

you may or may not get anywhere at coffee - she might be a lovely woman, she might just be vague or slightly selfish or weird OR she might be doing it on purpose to piss you off and drive a wedge between you two. Either way, there is not a great deal you can do about how she feels about you (that old lead a horse to water thing) - you can only change the things you can (like how YOU feel and cope).

plus i personally am very non-confrontational - i would rather ignore it and focus on the things you can change (FH) and/or minimise contact with her after the wedding and wait for her to die (as terrible as that sounds).

plus confrontation may lead to nasty scenes where FMIL and you have a tug-of-war over FH - not good, you HAVE TO learn to share. (remember though to be generous because you are walking off with the prize in the end - as a wife you are going to get way more contact etc with FH than FMIL, its only a matter of time)

talk to me honey.......I think you and I are going through the same thing...
My FMIL has no idea...about anything! She just seems so vague and doesnt really seem to care about anything. Our wedding is in 11 days and she hasnt once asked how everything with the wedding was going - and we have been planning for a year now....
anway I have just resigned myself to the fact that I cant change her, her christmas and birthdasy pressies will always be crap, etc.
God, I sound harsh. She is a lovely lady most the time.........but just has no idea....lol