I'm not sure what the point of this post is, but I thought I'd put it out there so I don't clog up the June mummies thread with any of my whining.

I have previously had depression issues associated with being in chronic pain and no longer being able to work or live a normal life. I'm mostly on top of things but I do get down from time to time. To be honest, I thought I'd have problems after the baby arrived and would be a bit susceptible to PND. I was planning on talking about this with my GP and midwife. It seems things aren't going that well already though.

At my first midwife appt (16 weeks) I scored quite poorly on the Edinburgh test and got a phone call back from my midwife concerned about me. I've been referred to the perinatal mental health team in my hospital and spoke with them today. The lovely lady who I blubbered on the phone to for 45 mins agrees that I need further assessment and has booked me in with a psychiatrist in Feb. They seem to think my issues are quite complex so it's not going to be easy to sort out.

I'm partly anxious about another miscarriage. Part of it is feelings of inadequacy relating to not being able to work anymore and having my life turned upside down. Friends/family have also been making comments about how I'm going to cope with a baby when I can't even go to work and live a 'normal' life. This makes me feel like I can't ask for any help because I'll be proving everyone right. Including my husband who I swore black and blue to I'd be fine with this whole motherhood thing. I'm also stressed because my husband is stressed out about becoming a father which makes me feel like I've bullied him into it, especially when he is already looking after me. Then I worry about being a bad mother because I'm unwell and can't do things normal people do, and what kind of example that will set for my child. Then I feel guilty about not feeling happy all the time as I should be happy to be pregnant. I am happy to be pregnant, just not happy while pregnant if that makes sense?

The lady I spoke to today asked if I talked to any of my friends about my depression issues. I don't think any of my friends even know about my previous problems. Nor do my family. It has only ever been dealt with by my doctors and my husband knows as he comes to my appts with me. All my friends know about my pain issues and they have enough trouble understanding what it's like to be in pain 24/7 for years on end and not be able to go to work or even do the grocery shopping. I really haven't felt the need to delve beyond that. Has anyone else told people when they are having ante-natal depression issues? It feels a bit socially unacceptable to not be ecstatically happy and glowing.

Any advice anyone has please share.

I am sending you the biggest hugs I can.

I only spoke to DH and mum about my anxiety whilst pregnant with Amelia. I like you was afraid people would judge me for not being happy and glowing. I can't imagine what it would be like being in pain all the time and am sorry that you are going through all of this.

I don't have many words of wisdom, accept talk to people, open up and ASK for help, its ok to ask for help. That is one of main thing I learnt during the whole pregnancy process. Don't worry about what your friends think about if you can cope or not when the bubba is born, you will do the best you can. You love the baby and that's all that matters right now! What happens when bubs is born is what happens!

Please know I am here to chat whenever you need it xoxoxo

Oh darling girl, I am in tears for you right now, I wish I could make it all better. If you ever need to chat, I am always here if you want.

xoxo

(((Hugs))) Tigridia, I can't fathom what pain you might be in and the quality of life you now endure.

I hope all goes well with the rest of your pregnancy and any depression assistance you may receive.

On a positive note, from my experience, a baby won't understand what "normal" is - what they will thrive on is your love and care. Please try and believe that as long as you love that baby and make it feel safe and loved, it's not going to matter. In fact, I'd go as far as saying as your child/ren will look on you with awe as you inspire them daily by managing the way you do

Keep us updated x

To all the ladies who responded and those who have PM'd me, thanks

It's nice to know that people do understand and care, when sometimes you think you are the only one going through something.

I do spend too much time thinking about what other people think of me. I guess I worry people think I'm lazy as I don't go to work anymore and can't do many things other people do, yet I don't appear any different to most people. But, really they shouldn't judge me til they have walked in my shoes for even a day so I need to just get over it.

Thanks also, AuChocolat for pointing out my baby won't know what 'normal' is. I hadn't thought of it that way.

Tig, what I was going to say has already been covered in the lovely posts by the other ladies.

**hugs** your friends, family and the I-Do girls are there for you.
You are very brave and strong to be battling depression and constant pain, so never discount the fact that on your best day, you are probably coping with more than somone else out there on their worst day.

Don't ever feel bad for asking for help - that is what it is there for, and you need a support network to get through things sometimes.
Your husband and you both have a lot going on at the moment, and it is a partnership for life - you will both get through it together and it will make you stronger

And I agree - anything your baby learns and knows about you is their 'normal' - and if they have love, food, and clothes, then you will be doing just fine.

PM if you need a listening ear.

(((Hugs))) Tig. I don't have any more helpful advice other than what's been said already but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and please don't be too hard on yourself.

I don't normally suffer from depression but I've been feeling horribly blue lately to the point of considering walking out of work and never going back. Pregnancy hormones really do play havoc with our mental states, so give yourself a break and just do what's right for you as that will be exactly what's right for your baby too.

Hugs to you lovely lady, I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

The only thing I thought I might add is about your husband and family not knowing how anxious you are. Perhaps this is compounding the issue? I mean that maybe if you opened up to them about it, it might take some pressure off? Perhaps you are stressing yourself more by keeping up appearances?

Your family won't judge you (well at least they shouldn't), they will love and support you no matter what.

I know when I came clean about everything, I felt the most enormous weight had been lifted and although they couldn't solve my problems, at least they knew what I was dealing with.

First of all, don't think that you have to keep this stuff out of the June mummies thread! You don't need to put on a happy face for us, especially not me.

What a rough ride you have had with chronic pain, depression, loss of a baby and now this! It's just not fair, is it? But you have now been blessed with a baby and you may well find that this child will bring you so much joy that depression will be a thing of the past. Maybe it will even help you cope with the pain??

Pregnancy and motherhood certainly isn't all fluff and bubbles and it is a real shame that there isn't more acknowledgment of this in society. It is a HUGE adjustment for anyone.

It is great that you are addressing these issues prior to giving birth but try not to think that PND is just a given. I have been told that have suffered from depression means that I have an increased chance of suffering from it but I have also been told that because of my experience I will know what to look for and when to ask for help - if you look at it that way you are actually in quite a good position.

Praying for lots of peace and joy for you.

Melanie xxx

I am so sorry for you that you are going through a hard time. I will give you a bit of my history which may help you.

I was in a car accident which resulted in an injury to my lower back. It meant years of rehab, not working, a long drawn out stressful court case with the insurance company and constant chronic pain. I ended up going to a chronic pain management course in the hope of some relief. My life was unlike any of my friends. I was depressed and I too didn't go into it with friends or family because there is only so much people want to hear.

When I fell pregnant I was really worried about how my back would hold up and the trouble we predicted I would have was factored into the court settlement. I didn't know how I would cope with the pregnancy and was anxious.

As a result of the injury I wasn't allowed to have a normal vaginal delivery and had to be booked for a c-section and then as it turned out Miss A was premmie and it was emergency c-section.

I was horrendously ill when I was pregnant with severe hyperemesis. I couldn't work, I couldn't shower. I vomited non stop and was on chemo drugs. Hubby was left to look after me and it was a difficult time as it brought back all the memories of him looking after me which changed our relationship dynamic.

I was worried that if I couldn't do the pregnancy part well how on earth was I going to cope with the baby when it arrived.

I couldn't even watch tv without the motion making me vomit. It was a very stressful time.

I had ante natal depression but instead of seeking help I soldiered on. This was a BIG mistake. I am a very positive A -type person who didn't believe that therapy would work for them.

It took me till my daughter was 9 months old to go and see someone. My anxiety became focused on worrying something would happen to my daughter.

I strongly suggest speaking to a psychologist now and you have made the first step by seeking help.

I agree it is very hard when you don't feel filled with sunshine. I was the same and people told me to enjoy being pregnant. I loved the fact that I was pregnant but HATED the pregnancy.

I can also tell you that I coped when I had my daughter - in fact we went OS for a year once she turned one. And being a new mum was far easier than being pregnant.

Good luck

Oh hon

As you know, I'm going through a very similar thing, and I'm so angry at the system that you don't have a perinatal MH appointment for weeks. After 12 years of battling the beast, I still don't talk about it much with friends and would much rather talk to professionals. My perinatal MH counsellor says it's because it's neater for me that way - the mess is contained in a space away from my home, at an alloted time and I don't have to see her at parties or have her over for tea. I'm pretty open to a point - I think most of the people I work with know I'm highly emotional (um, redheaded drama teacher...heh), and a few know I'm on medication. But I don't get into it with them...I don't want to 'burden' them with something I feel they can't help with. Hence, why I only have a handful of friends.

The one thing my counsellor (and her fill-in the other day) keeps pulling me up on is deflection...that I sort of try to make people laugh and make my problems small. This is because people don't get it - they haven't walked a mile in your shoes or mine. I don't want people to think I'm ungrateful either...especially when there's heaps of people who would love to be pregnant or who have tragedies in their lives. I put myself last, always have, always (probably) will.

I'm freaking out so much that the medication I'm on has hurt the baby, that the medication I had to take when I was pregnant with Lucy has damaged her or that she's going to end up like me, that I'm not going to handle it with two kids, that I'm ruining my daughter's life and she'll hate me...yadda yadda yah! As my counsellor said, it's exhausting being in my head. You're not alone.

My DH went through cycles too where I wasn't sure if I'd pushed him into having a baby. I think it's pretty normal for most parents to be to go through stages of not being completely over the moon. In fact, I think my DH suffered from PND, but that's another issue.

On a practical level:

1. There's evidence to say that while women with previous depression are much more likely to end up with PND, that treatment in the ante-natal period has been shown to curtail this. I didn't end up with PND (amazingly). This can be through counselling, medication etc.

2. There's programs out there hon that can help. In my little dinky town we have a child health nurse program where they come to your house once a week to see how you are, help out with any baby tasks and have a cuppa. There's also a family assistance service run by the local neighbourhood centre that has a sort of surrogate grandmother program where they come to your house and help you fold washing or hold the baby while you have a shower etc. I'm sure there's something that might be of use to you...check out the neighbourhood centre/community organisations. You can also always keep seeing the perinatal MH team as well after bubs is born.

3. No one has the right to make you feel like you shouldn't be having a baby. You are a kind, compassionate woman who has every right to have a little bundle to love. You have been through enough heartache and pain, and deserve to have happiness. I'm sure that once they see your beautiful son/daughter, most people will see it's the right decision.

We're always here for you. It's okay to not glow all the bloody time...pregnancy can play havoc with your body and your emotions. It's not all puppies and rainbows and anyone who thinks it should be needs to get *their* head examined!!

*hug*

Again, thank you to those that have responded to my post, it makes me feel better just knowing that people out there are willing to take the time to read and respond

In the last few days I have actually told a few friends that I'm having a few issues. One of my friends told me that she was on meds and seeing a psychiatrist for antenatal depression through her first pregnancy. Something I never knew (we have been friends since highschool) so it really is true that people just don't like talking about it, which is a shame.

It seems a few of us in June 2011 mums have a history of depression. I guess it's good that we kind of know where each of us is coming from, but sad that it is so common.

Chelley, I have read some of your story before and you really did put up with a lot while pregnant. I didn't realise you had a chronic pain issue too though Mine is neurological/nerve pain so I effectively have a constant migrain but chronic pain and not being able to work and going through compensation cases is such a battle. I really don't think people understand how hard it is till they have been there.

Erin, I do the same as you and deflect things and pretend everything is OK. Basically because I don't want to say something negative all the time. People want you to be happy not tell them about how things really aren't that great. I also make out that it's no big deal that my life is like this because I know people go through worse so I shouldn't really complain. But I can see that it isn't always helpful to be like this.

Anyway, thanks again and I'll keep you updated on how I go with my appts. Of course now my psych appt has been moved to 21 Feb Still quite awhile away...

I am really sorry that you are and everyone else who are going through this. A fiend of mine had PND and she didn't tell me until months afterwards, she didn't even let on and she still tries to downplay it. it is a great thing that you're getting help. Is seeing a psych asa private patient an option? It might mean you get to see one sooner.

Tig I only just saw your post.

Hun what an amazing woman you are. Here in I-Do you are one of the most caring girls I have gotten to know. I remember how closely you followed my story earlier in my pregnancy when things got a bit scary...and all the while you are suffering from your own constant pain!

I am so sorry to hear about your pain, both emotional and physical. You are doing the right thing by getting help and speaking out - that is very brave.

Dont ever worry about the kind of mother you will be, trust me - someone who has their own pain but still takes the time and effort to get to know others and care about their pain - is a natural mother! You will be caring and loving and fantastic and everything your baby could possibly need.

You will also get through this, I know you will.

Thanks for sharing with us.

Just wanted to say i am thinking of you hon, you are always welcome to talk to me and i am sure all of the lovelies on here are willing to listen too.

I dont think i have anything constructive to say and i cant even comprehende how you handle chronic pain on a daily basis plus depression plues the loss of a bubba. I can relate to some of your thoughts but maybe in a different way/level, i had some horrible thoughts at the beggining of my pregnancy as this little thing the size of a pea was making so severly sick i couldnt live my life and it was debilitating for my physical state and mental state. My mental state took a blow then and then it came back to haunt me in the first few hard months of Mr.Moo's life.

I struggled and i wish i would of talked to someone at the beggining. I think i would of coped better mentally.

I dont know if i had antenatel depression or PND but something was there and it was horrible.

I can relate to your feelings in a way..... Good on you for sorting it out and getting help, you are deffinantly doing the right things..

I dont think i said anything too helpful but yeah

I hope feb comes very fast for you lovely xoxoxoxo

I just thought I'd provide an update!

I saw the psych through the perinatal mental health unit yesterday (along with my case social worker who is lovely). Although I hate talking to psychs with there 'how does that make you feel' stuff I'm glad I did it.

They think I'm travelling fairly well given the circumstances and don't think there are any real underlying issues other than I have an anxious personality type and I like to internalise stress. Things I already knew but it's good to have it pointed out again. They also think I have a lot of unresolved issues around my chronic pain and feeling inadequate due to not being able to work so I need to have someone to talk to about that on an ongoing basis, so I'll get a referral to a psychologist. This was something that was supposed to happen ages ago but it kind of fell through the cracks with everything else going on.

I'm definitely at risk of things going pear-shaped after the birth so I'm going to see the psychiatrist again about a month after bub is born to see how things are going. I can of course talk to them/see them before then if I feel I need to.

We had another long chat about medication and I was given more conflicting advice. This doctor was not all concerned about me being off meds for the birth and breastfeeding. Despite all my other docs wanting me off and having to have a neonatologist present at the birth due to med exposure causing respiratory issues for the baby. He is actually writing to my other doctors and telling them he is perfectly happy for me to BF on medication, as I was told I'd be formula feeding if meds were re-introduced. This makes me happy as I really want to give BFing a shot and have a feeling my pain will be out of control after the baby is born and I'll need the medication.

I'm currently pretty much off all my meds and will see how I go until the birth. I'm less worried about taking them again now if I have to.