Hi,

I don't want to upset or frighten or offend anyone, so please let me know if you would like me to delete or move this thread. Just feeling a bit upset and needed to get this off my chest.

I was just wondering if anyone else out there had to have a CS under a general anaesthetic, and how you coped with any feeling of disappointment / guilt / etc.

I never posted by birth story but in short, my labour with Lauren wasn't progressing and she was becoming very distressed. After about 14 hours I was given an epidural but had side effects so they switched it off. Lauren's heart rate was decreasing so I was told I needed a CS (which I was fine with). They tried to get a spinal block in but it was taking too long so they apologetically gave me a GA.

When I woke however long after, Lauren was all washed and wrapped. They put her on my chest and tried to get her to feed, but I was so drowsy I had no idea what was going on and had trouble accepting that all of a sudden I had a baby laying on me that I had no connection with - she could have belonged to anyone. There weren't many photos and my recollection of the whole thing is pretty hazy.

I have a lot of feelings of guilt - maybe if I'd coped better with the labour she wouldn't have been distressed. Maybe if I'd tolerated the epidural better I could have been awake... etc etc etc. I know I can't change it now, but I still feel sad.

I know that the main thing is that Lauren was born healthy, and I am so grateful for that, please don't get me wrong. I know I'm incredibly lucky. But even after 18 months (and not helped by my PND) I still feel I'm grieving for the birth experience I didn't have. Due to having a GA hubby wasn't allowed in theatre, so neither of us were 'there' for her birth. More than anything I wanted to be awake so I could be aware of what was happening, and have that little squirmy gooey baby handed to me for that initial cuddle.

Thanks for reading.

Beavette, I can completely understand why you would feel disappointed. My heart dropped when i read you were given your baby girl all cleaned up, and like she could have been anyone elses baby.

I completely understand, as much as child birth is somewhat scary to think about (for me anyway who hasnt had a child yet), i can see that it is a very important right of passage into motherhood.

I think you need to focus though, that yes it may have been something you would have liked to experience, however you gave birth to a wonderful healthy girl, who had you continued a normal labour, or mucked around until you got the spinal block in, she may never have arrived as healthy.

You did the best thing for your daughter, which i know can be difficult, as you missed those first moments together.

Try not to look are it in a bad light, the choice of have a GA was the best for your daughter to ensure her safety. From the picture i can see in your Sig, She looks likes shes a wonderful little girl and you must be a wonderful mother.

xoxo

Helen I can understand your disappointment. Don't feel embarassed about still coming to terms with the birth - some things just take a long time for us to process. Being honest about how you feel is an important step on the road to healing.

I can understand how you would be upset that both you and hubby were not there when she was delivered and that she was clean when you received her for the first time. These were special moments you had been looking forward too. But the first time moments you shared with Lauren - even though not what you were expecting were special as well. I didn't imagine my MIL seeing my daughter before me either.

However at some point you will need to move on. Did you talk through the c-section with your obs to find out what happened while you were having the GA.

Perhaps it would be helpful to give yourself a time frame and then just try to not keep reflecting on it because it is only going to bring you pain - you can't change what happened.

She wasn't in distress because of how you were coping in labour. The game of "what if" is a dangerous one and you and your medical staff did what was best for you at the time. You would have felt worse if something had happened to Lauren because you delayed having the c-section You did the right thing for Lauren and that is being a great mum.

You don't need to feel any guilt. You did what was needed to bring your baby into the world safely - and look at her - she is gorgeous and thriving and that is because you are a great mum.

Don't let the moments of the past - brief moments that will be such a teeny tiny percentage of the time you will spend with your daughter - tinge anymore of your future happiness.

xx

I also had my last child under GA two years on now. I was given two weeks notice before his planned arrival @ 36 weeks that I would have the GA, vertical cut and a hysterectomy with a 50% chance surviving the operation. I found it all too much to deal with about 7 months on and admitted myself to a mother baby clinic. It helped me to talk about it and also realise my life was not as half as bad as some of the other mothers I met there. Saying that I quickly got over my feelings and checked myself out after 7 days. It does take time to heal and I suggest gettting some counselling. If you ever need to talk just pm me.

Oh Beavette I am so sorry that you had to go through that. While you are entitled to feel sad about the things you missed out on, please, please don't allow yourself to feel guilty about any of it. You gave your daughter an incredible gift - to ensure her safe arrival you gave up the birthing experience that you'd always wanted. It's also really important to keep in mind that fact that it will make no difference to her who gave her that first bath and who was really present at her birth (she doesn't remember any of it).

In terms of your own feelings of sadness and loss I wish I could say more that would help other than the fact that I understand. Although I never experienced a c-section under a general my daughter was sectioned about 10 weeks prematurely. Her growth was severely restricted due to the fact that my placenta had basically clotted and died. As soon as she was out of me she was rushed to the resus table where a team of neonatal doctors and nurses worked on her before she was whisked off to the NICU (I tried to see what was going on but all I could see was a wall of people and tubes and wires). I feel sad that the day she was born I only saw her for five minutes (they wheeled me into the NICU after I was out of recovery when she was a few hours old but it was incredibly overwhelming and I was in lots of pain so they had to take me out quite fast). I never got the newborn cuddle either (in fact I wasn't able to hold her until day 3). I hated leaving her in hospital every night for 11 weeks - I just didn't feel like a proper mother. I was also incredibly disappointed that I never experienced labour either - strangely I was really looking forward to it .

Anyway, I was incredibly fortunate to have the services of a great social worker while my daughter was in hospital (she was there for 11 weeks). I found talking to her incredibly useful and cathartic and I believe it's helped me come to terms with everything. Would you consider seeing someone professionally to talk through all of this? You might find that it makes all the difference in the world.

Hey honey,

First of all, please don't worry about upsetting people by posting this. We are here to support each other, and if nothing else, I have found the women on this forum are a great support. We are here for each other.

I'm sorry to hear your still finding it hard to work thru Lauren's birth, but I can understand why you would be finding it difficult. Especially when you have something in your mind that is going to happen with you labour and birth your baby, and then for the complete opposite to happen, can come as quite a shock.

It's wonderful that Lauren was born happy, healthy and safely. And no matter how much people say that to you it probably won't really change your feelings until you have worked thru them.



I whole heartedly believe that they way you were coping with your labour in no way resulted with Lauren going into distress. I was coping really well with my labour and Owen still went into distress. I think it's just something happens that we don't understand, it could be that they (bubbies) aren't coping well with it. Maybe they get scared, maybe it's something else. We dont' know, but it in no way is because you weren't coping well. You did the best you could and did everything in your power to make sure she was safe.

Believe me, I understand the feelings of guilt. I think it's something we (or at least I know I do) will carry with us for a long time. What if's are another common thought always going thru my head, I dont know when or if that will ever stop. I just want you to know that you aren't alone with these thoughts. I dont' want to make you feel worse or anything. Although our situations are a little different I just want you to see that these thoughts and feelings are ok.

Like Chelley said, have you spoken to the hospital/Obs that was there when you had lauren to find out what happened and maybe fill in the gaps. Have you spoken to anyone about the birth. Sometimes talking about it can help, or even writing about it helps. Writing has been a good release for me.

I dont' know if I have made any sense at all, and I really hope that nothing I have said has offended you(or anyone else). I just want you to know I am here if you ever want to chat.

You are a fantastic mother Helen, you have come such a long way and have been thru so much. And look at you now. You are strong, independent and have a beautiful baby girl.

All my love
Melissa xxxxx

I had Aiden under a GA, our circumstances sound very close to yours, his heart rate was playing up and then suddenly dropped so they said they needed to deliver him asap, they took me to theatre, they asked Scott to wait outside and the first I knew I was having a GA was when I overheard two doctors discussing it. I asked the nurse that was next to me why I had to have one and she said 'we don't have time to wait' then I was under. I woke up very groggy and met Aiden all wrapped up, he was clean but hadn't been washed yet, they'd also given him formula which I wasn't too happy about. For the first few weeks I had trouble bonding which I thought was due to the birth but I've heard lots of women say they had trouble bonding after a natural birth as well.

For a little while I felt ripped off I guess but I never felt guilty, you shouldn't feel guilty either, no-one can control what's going to happen during labour.

I still would have liked the birth to have gone better but I don't think about it much anymore, it's over, i can't change it, and it was such a small part of my life with Aiden.

I understand it must be hard for you to deal with especially if you have suffered PND as well. I don't really know how to help you except it's probably good to talk about it and try to focus on your beautiful little girl when you think about the birth rather than what went wrong with the birth.

Kate xx

Thank you so much for all your heartfelt replies. It means a lot and I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and respond. It helps to read your experiences and advice.

I have thought about whether to contact the hospital to obtain my birth records, but my husband, GP and psychiatrist aren't convinced at the moment that it's a good idea for fear that it will upset me further. I had shared care at a public hospital so don't actually have one set person that saw me regularly who I could discuss this with. My doctors keep reminding me that whatever my file says, it won't change anything and it won't give me the answers I'm looking for.

All the pregnancy books and magazines I had read, and the hospital birth classes had never mentioned anything about c-sections under a GA so I had never given it any thought and was totally unprepared for that to even be an option.

Thank you for saying I did the best I could, and the best thing for Lauren. I just need to keep telling it to myself. I have also tried to remind myself that her first apgar was 4 and that if she was distressed they probably took her to examine her straight away and that had I been awake I may not have been given that first naked/gooey cuddle anyway. But still, I would have liked to have been awake to be aware of what was happening.

I agree the 'what ifs' are dangerous and I can get into a cycle of negative/upsetting thinking which I need to avoid doing. But it's hard. What if I could have done something different? Even though I can't change it now, why am I torturing myself with all of this?

Anyway, I'm rambling!

Thank you again everyone, you're a wonderful support and I appreciate all of your responses.

xx