So... I feel the inner bridezilla being awoken from her slumber..

Ahhhhhhh!

Okay so, I was just literally speaking to my mum about our wedding... talking about how I have to book the photographer and its a 20% deposit (my parents are paying for the wedding, which I am very grateful for.. honestly!) FH & I went and met with the photog we are going to book with, without my mum or cousin or anyone else coming with. Afterall, it comes down to what the 2 of us want doesn't it?

So anyways... she & noone else had no input into this and I think its kinda getting to them. I think my family like to control me cause I am the baby..and usually im easygoing and will go with the flow, but when it comes to our wedding... fh & I want to do certain things our way!

So anyways I am rambling... there are a few issues but this following conversation is rattling my inner bridezilla.. She says because my parents are hosting the wedding and that the invite will say "mr and mrs x invite you etc" she believes she gets to choose the invites!

Now I am so annoyed by this because she kinda had this smirk on her face, and I believe another family member has been whispering in her ear about what FH & I have in mind for invites and she doesnt like it.. I went to a bridal expo last w/e with this little birdie..and was looking at invites and said I was after simple, elegant invites... no fancy lace/ribbons etc (not there is anything wrong with it, its just not us)


So who gets the choice in invites????? I see her point... but come on!!!! its not her wedding.
I told her I'd pay for the invites myself... its such a plus to have the wedding paid for... but there are some cons that are standing out right now!!

I think she is right in that the invitation should be Mr & Mrs X invite you to etc.

As for the actual invitations... it sounds like it is something that is important to her, so in the interest of keeping the peace, maybe narrow it down to say 5 choices you could live with and ask her to make the final decision? or get her involved in some way... while still ending up getting almost what you want. Explain why you like the ones you like, cost savings etc for the invites themselves and postage whatever, go with your theme, etc etc

What a Hypocrite... I would tell my mum to shove it and her money. I am doing things my way.

I think the best thing to do is to sit down with your parents and to find out clearly whether their paying for the wedding is a gift or they think it entitles them to a say in what occurs - because you and them may have very different expectations.

I believe it is your and hubby's choice ONLY. My parents paid for my and hubby's wedding and as long as we stayed within the budget my parents were happy with whatever we wished.

I think if payment is being used as a method of control you are better off paying yourself and having the freedom of choice

I agree that the invites should state their names as inviting the guests, and I like the idea of narrowing the choices down and letting your parents make the final "choice".

But, I also agree with Chelley in that if they are using the money to control things, then I'd rather pay for things myself.

At the end of the day it is your wedding, but their money, so you need to sit down with them and outline the boundaries. There may be certain things your mum feels she should have input into, but others she doesn't mind what gets done, IYKWIM. Compromise is the key here I think.

I agree with what the other girls have said.

You need to sit down with your parents and work out what exactly your arrangement is. Are they footing the bill with no input? Or are they having the final say because they are paying for it all?

Maybe you need to look at paying for some or all of it yourself and having the wedding that you want?

To be black and white about it, the person(s) hosting the wedding, i.e. paying for the wedding do the inviting and probably get the final say on what invites look like, including the wording that is used.

Having said that, where parents are hosting, most couples would agree something with their parents to find a style and wording that both parties are happy with.

In the event that you can't both agree on a style and wording for the invitations, and they are paying, in some ways your hands are a bit tied.

Certainly if you decline their offer for financial assistance, you'd be free to host the event yourself and decide all details yourself.

Best wishes for your wedding planning.

This is a very complex issue. I think everyone has made some very valid points here.

Perhaps it is time to have a heart to heart talk with your mum/parents about this. Tell them how this makes you feel, tell them what your ideas are and how you envision the day. Be prepared to negotiate and be flexible. If your parents are being inflexible, ask them why they cannot take your opinion in the matter as it is your wedding, and while you want to respect their opinion, you hope that they will respect yours (ie negotiate).

It is reality that some parents who offer to pay for their children's wedding expect to have at least some say in the planning. I hope not everything, but some things.

If it is getting out of control and you cannot bear it, then it might simply be easier to pay your own way.

If there is one thing I learnt about getting married, it was that this day was not just about me and my husband. But I do understand that all families and couples are different.

I say as far as who gets to choose what - parents can choose the cost and the wording.

I don't see why your mum should choose the style of the invites as well.

Yes, an opinion and perhaps slight influence but as your wedding, even though they are paying, I believe you should be able to choose your own invites - as long as it is within their budget (which by the way sounds like it will be cheaper (simpler thus cheaper) than they are expecting.

You could even point this out to them - could help in arguing your case.

Hope it works out.

If you parents are paying for your wedding then they are the hosts and the invitation is essentially from them.

I understand that it is yours and fh's wedding but if your parents are paying (not contributing- paying) then they shouls have some say in how the money is spent. Is there a reason that you, fh and your mum can't make some choices together?

I like the idea of selecting a few invites and letting your mum decide on one etc.

Agreed.

We were lucky in that my parents paid for our wedding. We were luckier, still, in that my mother listed her 'expectations' up front... In the overall scheme it was nothing too onerous - mostly people who 'must' be invited. I figured if they wanted to pay for those extra people (who I would not have invited) then fair enough

I think, perhaps, a way to alleviate this issue is to involve your parents. Explain your vision and dream and then ask them to help you achieve this. Perhaps take your Mum along and talk pros and cons? I found my mother an excellent sounding board with whom I could discuss the overall vision and then look at suppliers etc. with. In fact, I found despite our sometimes strained relationship, the wedding planning was amongst our happiest times together.

In your parents' situation I can see why they'd be annoyed or disappointed if you make every big decision independent of them, yet they pick up the cheque

Perhaps involving them, while outlining your vision, might give them the involvement they seek while helping you achieve your dream day?

Unfortunately, this seems to often be the case. Fh and myself, my mum and stepdad and father and stepmum are all paying equal amounts into our wedding - which is great in one way as i get to be surrounded by many more family memberson the day than FH and I could afford ourselves BUT it means having some people there who I loathe but my father insisted on being invited with his $ power.

With invites, as a compromise, I gave all parental parties five different wording examples incorporating parents and bride and grooms hosting and we all voted on one we all liked. The style, colours etc was completely up to Fh and I as is the theme, flower colours of the actual wedding etc.
Good luck, I know how hard this is; one reason we knocked back one parental unit paying for the majority of the wedding was to even out power. Didn't completely allow us to have only what we wanted but definitely helped!

I hate to say it but it is your mums right to pick the invites. If you want to pick the invites you have to foot the whole bill not just the invites.

Sorry.

Maybe you can find something you both like.

Traditionally, the Brides parents send out the invites, and it is usually Mr & Mrs X invite...

In my case, the grooms family is paying for a larger proprtion of the wedding, but our invites say Mr X and Mrs Y invite....

I would as previously mentioned, pick a selection of wording and designs and get them to choose from that. Thie allows your influence and style choices to be there when they think they have made all the decisions - both parties happy

Maybe she is being old fashioned - it is tradition after all that parents who host, are included in the invite like that. I am sure you can find an innovative way to incorporate it into your invites. If you are having a reply card, let guests respond to your parents so they know who is paying for it. Something like, please respond to hosts Mr & Mrs xxx.
You should just be lucky they are paying for it and find something better to complain about.

I remember several years ago when a work colleague married, her parents paid 100%, but also had 100% say in everything! She wasn't even allowed to offer an opinion, let alone chose! It was horrid, and I could never work out why she and FH didn't pay or contribute and have at least some control over the day. The family was very overbearing though, and I think she accepted the domination as normal?

But after hijacking, I agree with the other girls, offer your folks a final 3-4 options on wording and the invite itself, options you can live with and not lose sleep over. We paid ourselves but still had our parents names on the invite that we chose.

Thanks for all the replies girls!!

The advice you have all given me is great!!


I know the wording has to be from them, I am totally fine with that and I am also fine with compromising with her... but its just the way she brought it up!! It was like "oh yeah so I had no input for the photog but guess what, I AM CHOOSING THE INVITES!"

I think some people in my family I am incapable of making decisions for myself!!

The catering is another that has crept up lately... but I will deal with that when it comes.


We are willing to pay for things if it comes to it... but FH has just gone back to do postgrad...and I am finishing up mine so money is tight as it is!
everything should be fine!! My dad probably doesn't give a crap, I will show my mum what I like and hopefully she'll like them too. Compromise is the key I guess!

I suspect that letting her voice an opinion / chat about it may be enough? E.g. maybe if you explain your vision and ask for her involvement in creating that vision, she might be happy just to be involved?

i think this may be the underlying issue but there is definitely a fineline between getting input and being told. Good Luck, I think a decent honest heart to heart with your mother might be what you both need and then get back ontrack with wedding planning.