I just need to rant somewhere where H2B won't hear about it and won't get annoyed with me.

What would you do?

We are having a destination wedding, everyone was informed and invited at the very start of the year. So we booked all the accommodation for everyone. After everyone RSVPed we heard of some people who had intended coming, were having money problems. So we rang everyone to ask if they were certain they could afford it, because we would prefer they pull out in march than in july when the money for the accommodation was due. So we had to cancel some of the rooms in march.

We sent reminded SMS to everyone who still hasn't paid for their accommodation 2 weeks ago because the money to due at the travel agents on 20 july. We still haven't got money from some guests and it is due at the travel agents on monday week, so we thought we'd better start ringing people to remind them.

Last night H2B rang his cousin, who is his best mate and also his best man. When H2B was first talking to him, he said that they were definitely coming. The phone dropped out and the second time he talked to him, best man asked if it was ok if only he came to the wedding because they couldn't get a babysitter.

Now starts my rant ...

1. I can't believe best man would go away without his partner, as neither of them have been on a plane or to queensland before. That's selfish! Would you go away and leave your partner with your 4 kids?
2. Best man's partner is also a close friend of mine, and if we were having official roles (best man and MOH are only signing the register, not standing up beside us etc.), she was going to be my bridesmaid. If you were going to be someone's bridesmaid, would you miss their wedding?
3. They've had over six months to organise a babysitter, and it wouldn't be that hard for them to get a babysitter. It's just an excuse!
4. They've had over 6 months to save for this trip and they can't afford it! Best man was telling H2B last night that they just got their kids new bikes and he was drinking rum cans (which cost heaps now). So where are their priorities?

So what do we do?

I told H2B this morning that I don't think I would feel comfortable if best man went without his partner. I know it's his best man but she would've been my bridesmaid and I wouldn't be able to look at him without thinking how selfish he was.

We really want them there but does it kinda sound like they don't care if they are there or not, to you?

So we will be stuck paying for their accommodation.

Do we tell them that if they really want to go, then get as much money to us as possible by 20 july and pay for the rest when he gets his tax?

Do we tell them that if they both can't go then don't bother either going? It's a big deal to us and something that we are prepared to have no more contact with them over.

Don't know what to do. Such a frustrating situation.

Chiara - I can't believe, when they are only in Tasmania and have to go to Melbourne that they would be like that. And 2 years notice

I find it totally selfish that someone would go without their partner.

hi twinnie!
I do understand in one way how you are feeling, but then in another, if they really can't afford it maybe it was the right thing for them to do. maybe they could only afford one person to attend and obviously the best man needs to be there.

I think that a lot of couples having a destination wedding need to be prepared for these things. I know that half of my guests can't afford a holiday for themselves alone.

I wouldn't tell them not to bother coming. I would probably let them know how important the day is to you (even tho it is your wedding and they shouldn't need to be told), and tell them that they've had 6 months in which to organise this.

At the end of the day you have to do what you feel is best. I really hope that they can make it. I think you should sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow.

If it was just him and her I could (sort of) understand your point of view.

But when you said this:

I totally understand where they are coming from.

Being really blunt here, but this is the most important day in your lives. It isn't to them! They are probably of the view that they can't afford to go, so would rather he be there without the rest of the family than they all miss out.

The difference between just him going versus the whole family is likely to be at the very least over $1,000. Maybe they don't want to spend that sort of money on what is essentially your wedding present. I'm sure they love you, but maybe they just don't have it to spend. Or maybe (shock horror!) they have more important things to spend it on. Like Christmas and birthday presents for the kids, for example.

Please don't tell them not to bother coming. Either you want them there, in which case you should be grateful that they are making the (substantial) effort to get one of them there, or you don't, and if that's the case you shouldn't have invited them in the first place.

Again, your wedding is the most important day in the world to you, but not necessarily to other people. Be grateful that he is coming and move on.

yeah i'm pretty sure i would be damn annoyed if people had THAT much warning and time to organise and save for a room and a flight when u have had to organise about a million other things so that ur wedding guests have a good time!!! i think its pretty absurd that people would leave their partners behind but i spose there are always lazy people around who just DONT wanna be organised and it sounds like u are luckier than Chiara as it sounds like she has become used to people being that disorganised and rude.

however having said that 4 kids must be pretty difficult to find a babysitter for... but my mum used to go away all the time and she has 4 kids so really when i think of it that way i think they are just being lazy!!! and i cant believe that he said the thing about buying the kids bikes and drinking... priorities arent that great. i mean its ur bloomin wedding after all and it will only happen once (hopefully ) so people should be jumping at the chance to be organised...

hope it works out!!!

This is an interesting situation, one that i can see your frustration but don't entirely agree with.

I think you need to accept that one person from the couple invited is better than none. They probably want to come to your wedding but it's more than just attending a wedding.

I was invited to a desitination wedding last Decmeber for a wedding that was held in Thailand this April. I would've have loved to have gone, but i chose not to because I am planning/paying for my own wedding this Sept, I would've had to take holidays from work (which would've drastically affected my job), and i would've only been able to go on my own because my partner wouldn't have been able to get the same time off. Then there would've been organising accomadation and meals while we were away - it was too much.

We don't have children, but if we did it would've affect their time at school, their daily routines and a babysitter for anyone's children (whether they be family or a hired person) is costly and a potential inconvenience to others as well.

Although six months to save is enough time, people have different priorities in their day to day lives, and paying for a holiday they probably could not afford was probably not one of them.

I also think that if they wanted to buy their children new bikes and drink the alcohol of their choice, that is their choice and not really your business to judge their priorties.

I understand how important it is to have the people who are important to you at your wedding, but not if it means other's having to completely alter their way of living and be judged just to attend a wedding that YOU chose to have at a far away destination.

I think you need to have a discussion with your friends and find out where they stand. If they can't afford it, then you need to either offer to pay for them to attend or accept that they simply can't afford it and not judge why.

I look at it this way.

A destination wedding is your choice, and that is a thing that you have chosen for reasons that are important to you. You do not have to justify this to anyone but yourself as it your life and your choice.

However choosing whether or not to spend thier hard earned money on attending the wedding or not is ultimately your guests choice. Regardless of the amount of time guests are given notice for to attend, it would still mean that there is less money for them to spend on thier lives for the things that are important to them. Personally I think that its unfair to expect to dictate to people that in 1 or two years that they have to put possibly $1000 plus away for attending your wedding.

I think that the fact that the best man is attending and his wife is staying at home to look after the kids is fair enough. Its showing you that they care enough to spend X amount of dollars on sending one member of the family to the wedding! In regards to the babysitter thing, well more than likely its just an excuse for them not to have to humiliate themselves and admit they can't afford to send the whole family. After all their finances are no bodies business but their own!

I do think that you have a right to be annoyed that they didn't tell you in time to cancel the accomodation though.

I think if you chose to have a destination wedding, you need to be prepared for these sort of situations. While destination weddings can be a great chance for a holiday, they are often expensive to attend. There's usually flights, rental cars, accommodation, possibly time off work, food etc. for the time you're away as well as a present. It can really add up!



I don't think it's fair to critise the guy for putting his kid's recreation and happiness in front of your wedding. As far as I am concerned, that puts his priorities right where they should be In fact, it is his choice where to spend his money, just as it was yours to chose a destination wedding.

All that said, if they have previously committed to attending and needing accommodation (and presumably paying for said accommodation) then they should honour this commitment.

Agreed! I'd be devasted if close friends wanted a destination wedding. While you might have given them time to save and organise for sitters, they might not have wanted to spend that kind of money, or leave their children, for your occassion. Are they friends for not wanting to come to your wedding? Yes they still are, you just cant expect them to want to outlay what they dont want to in money. As puggie said, thats the risk you face when having a destination wedding.

I dont know how much it would cost to attend your wedding but in cases like Chiara's when the airfare is $99 I wouldnt consider this expensive but to other people it might be. I would consider destinations that cost in excess of $500 in travel, very expensive and I would have to alter my budgetry requirements more then I wish if I wanted to attend.

Getting people to make their own accomadation arrangements might have been the best. You can certainly make recommendations, give them info, but those that are definately coming are definately going to pay for their end of the deal when they have to.






I'm going to be cheaky and say "the world doesnt revolve around you"!

I think they're priorities are fine.

Thanks for the critisism everyone.

The problem I really have with the situation is that if they couldn't afford to go or couldn't get a babysitter (which I know they can) then they should've said this on the numerous occasions that we asked if they could afford to go. We said that we didn't want them putting themselves out financially because of us or if it was too hard to arrange babysitting. But THEY kept insisting that they were most definitely coming.

So the reason I was annoyed at how they were spending their money (which I agree with you all, is not my business) is because I know personally, that if I am going to make a committment to something, and it means me budgeting, than that's what I'll do.

As for babysitting, I know that this can be a hard situation but I know that they have his brother living with them, who regularly babysits for them and was, until now, going to babysit for them.

The point I'm making is that they made the committment to come and now we're the ones left with them backing out.

I agree that it was our choice to have a destination wedding and in doing that, we couldn't expect everyone to come. We didn't expect everyone to come, that was part of the reason for having a destination wedding, so some wouldn't come! We weren't offended by those that politely said they couldn't come, we were a bit annoyed when we had to change the bookings when people pulled out early but we knew it was better to have it done then, than what it is now.

But we're providing everyone with an opportunity to have a holiday, forcing them to have a holiday because we know they aren't people to go on holidays, for their benefit.

We are planning on having a talk to them, explaining to them that we would really love them to be there, both of them, as she is one of my closest friends. Hopefully we'll be able to work something out.

I see where you're coming from if they've constantly assured you they're attending

The reason that we made all the accommodation and travel arrangements so that it made life easier for our guests! In hindsight it might have been easier to get everyone to make their own arrangements and if we had more than our small number of 19 guests going, we would've but we thought we could trust our guests.

And Jet, no I don't think the world revolves around me. I know that if it was the best man and his partner getting married and I made the committment to be there and we were wanted as bridal party, we make every effort to be there or we wouldn't muck them or we would be honest with them.


Thanks, Sandy. I guess I didn't make my point clearly to start with I was just blowing off steam at first.

sorry if this comes off a bit blunt but I actually think you are the one coming off a little selfish in it all. its not up to you or H2B to judge how they spend their money, they shouldnt have to prove to you that they are saving, if they want to spend their money on their children and alcohol then thats their decision. ive learnt that weddings are really only a big deal to the bride & groom (and parents etc)

they might not have found a babysitter they feel comfortable with also, or just just dont want to be away from the kids for too long, and cant afford to bring them..

like others have said, having a destination wedding is YOUR choice, you cant expect people to be able to fork out the money for it, and you cant expect people to put their lives on hold just to save for it either. Its great if everyone can go, but you have to be prepared for those who cant.

I don't think it's a case of "they don't care if they are there or not", destination weddings are very expensive when you add up all the little bits and pieces that go with it. We are invited to one 2 weeks after our wedding and we won't be going, money is one thing (we would struggle to fork out the costs for it in our normal situation, let alone it being just after our wedding day), yet we'd absolutely love to go and share in their day, but they understand. If you have a destination wedding you have to be prepared for people to not be able to make it for many different reasons. I know it's yours and FH big day, and I know it upsets you, but the last thing you should do is to stop talking to them altogether, because to me it looks like they're trying to do their best to at least get one of them there to represent their family and share in your day.

I really do understand where you're coming from when you say that they've been telling you they're both coming and have changed their minds now.

I hope you work this out and the outcome is positive x

Alot of people though, myself included are hopeless at budgeting!


but in saying everything i do get where your frustration comes from in regards to them having said they would come for so long and only changing their mind now..

good luck with everything though. i hope it all works out for the best.

Well I'm sorry it looks like I'm selfish. As I said in my last post, I didn't word my initial post very well, I hadn't fully thought the situation through and I was blowing off steam.

The point I was trying to make, and I have repeated, not that many people seem to notice

They assured us on numerous occassions they were coming and that we are now stuck paying for their accommodation!

like I said before, sleep on it. It's good to see both sides of this argument so that you can take a step back and a deep breath. Im sure i'll have plenty of bitchbride moments coming up too!!

It's poor form that your guests did not give you more warning that they were not in a position to attend your wedding and left you in a situation where you were forced to pay for their accommodation.

As for the content of the rest of your posts, it's quite clear that you don't really wish to hear what other people have to say so I'll leave it at that.



A 'just agree with me, I'm letting off steam' could have saved you some frustration.

Thanks, Sandy. We're not going to do anything yet. When H2B and I talked this morning, we were thinking about talking to the couple in a couple of days and explaining that we really want them there and hopefully get them to be honest with us to about the situation.

Coastal chill - I originally ask her to be my bridesmaid when we were planning on having a big wedding. But when we decided on a destination wedding (due to budget and family issues), we explained that we wouldn't be having "official" bridal party except for our son who is our page boy. The only role the "unofficial" best man and MOH have, is signing the register. And I'm guessing he didn't make the decision himself, for him to go by himself to the wedding. But in the two minutes between phone calls he went from saying they were definitely going, to he was going by himself All I am saying there, is that it was weird. They probably talked about it before and he forgot, I dunno.

Frankly, I think everyone's criticism of us being selfish and having a destination wedding is unjustified and very harsh. We made sure that when we gave out our invites personally, we assured them that we did not expect them to be there. That we would love them to be there if possible. We gave invites only to those nearest and dearest to us (and some family out of obligation), which included some we knew wouldn't be able to go. We were surprised at how many people are actually coming and we are very grateful to them that they are coming.





Yes, I was letting off steam.

I asked for ADVICE, I didn't ask to be attacked.

I have taken on some advice. I know that I didn't initially see the point that the best man attending would be a symbol of them both wanting to be there, but her wanting him to be there also (sorry if I have worded this wrong and it doesn't make sense).

I agree that I went to far by delving into their personal affairs (I was letting off steam).

But to say that I don't take other peoples views into consideration is rude.

From what I've read in this topic today, most people just want to complain about destination weddings.

I don't think that anyone is actually calling you selfish for having a destination wedding. (Although when you percieve that you are under attack its hard to read what people are saying clearly!)

But I think that most people think that its unfair that you should complain about the best mans partner not coming and justify that by saying that they have bought themselves booze and bikes for thier kids. That does come across as a little on the self serving side.

I know that you have a dream day in mind and that really part of that dream was having both of them there, and I am sorry for you that it didn't happen, but try to concentrate on the fact that you are going to have a wonderful wedding day and marry the man of your dreams at a beautiful dream location.

Maybe ask them to give you the money that you have lost or throw yourself on the mercy of the hotel and beg for a refund!

I hope you have a wonderful wedding day!

i understand wot ur trying to get at Bushbride- that they told u they could afford it for the last 6 months and the month before the wedding they tell u they cant. also u may be feeling so annoyed with the situation because u know this couple really well and know abit more background information then everyone else in here, so there may be other reasons why u are angry with them to IYKWIM? this might just be the tip of the iceberg or something.

and i think people who post in here have to remember that all these bridezilla moments are just that, heated angry words that might sometimes sound irrational and selfish to everyone else but to the bride it may seem justified. we have alot of our energies and emotions invested in our weddings so when things go wrong and we vent people probably shouldnt makes posts if they are going to sound like an attack (even tho they may not be trying to).

I think when u and ur H2B sit down and have a chat to this couple u will work it all out!!!

Hey BB,
From one destination bride to another I understand where you are coming from And I think I am going to be in the same situation in about 10 months time

Personally speaking I would be disappointed that it has got to this point (3 days before you are due to pay) and you are finding out. Whatever the reasons they all can’t or don’t want to come are beside the point, they way your cousin has handled telling you & your FH this was not the best, and it’s probably because he didn’t really know how to tell you.

If it was me & it was my MOH or my FH BM I would really want them there (and the kids if possible). I think we would discuss first what our budget was like & how much we could afford to get them there, as ultimately this is what it will probably come down too. If we could then I would call and see what we could do (knowing that if it is about $$$ you can cover it) as it may not be financial, perhaps it’s medical or maybe she is freaking out flying.

Good luck I hope it works out – I’m here if you want to chat

I understand now what you mean about your bridesmaid, I was unsure what you meant by IF... I'm glad you were able to clarify more about the wedding (especially how you personally delivered invites - great idea!!). I apologise if my reply came across as rude or if I was criticizing your destination wedding, that was never my intention (we were actually going to have one ourselves )

I can relate to your frustration, I hope you can work everything out and it doesn't cause you stress any closer to your day x

Who's criticizing and attacking?Complaining over the fact your friends bought their kids bikes, instead of saving for your wedding is rude! But oh you were just letting off steam? Ok we get that, no need to get all antsy about it.
If your original post was a vent, then thats fine, but you cant write posts in that manner and then expect constructive advise.

Woah girls, I second Kirstin's reminder that Bridezilla moments are just that... moments where we don't make perfect sense and can seem selfish...

BB - Glad to hear you are going to find out what's happened with your friends, it is a bit odd that they would suddenly change from definitely coming for months and months to not coming in the space of a phone call.. I think you are perfectly justified in being very annoyed at a back-flip so close to the date. Hope you can work it out that they can both still come as it seems to be very important to you that she is there as well as him. Of course, they will still have to pay for their accommodation regardless and if one is still coming they will still need the room.

I am sure that they both care and want to come, something must've happened to change it - he didn't say it was money issues did he and from what you said he wanted to know if it was ok with you both. Is it just accommodation or haven't they booked airfares either? One month out?

You and your H2B are doing so much to make sure those most special to you have a wonderful time at your wedding - guess your situation is a lesson to destination brides (or any brides) not to book things for your guests if you'll end up having to pay if they pull out..

Good luck Shannon

xxx

They might have told you on numerous occasions that they were definitely coming and were probably fully intending on it, however bills come up and priorities often change with large families. Frankly, their kids are a higher priority than your wedding - as it SHOULD be. They felt they could afford to buy the kids some bikes, because hey, those are their kids, but it means that they make sacrifices with other things. In all likelihood, they were probably hoping to be able to afford it and were probably ashamed when they realised that they couldn't and put off telling you. And told your FH while drinking because it softened the blow. I'm hypothesising but it happens that way too.

Also, travelling with that many kids? MURDER. I wouldn't want to do it with one let alone four. Finding a babysitter is also pretty darn expensive too.

I don't think you're selfish for having a destination wedding at all, but being a destination bride, unfortunately you have to roll with these sorts of punches. I'm not a destination bride however I know a lot of people overseas who promised they'd come. Out of that bunch, ONE is coming - on her own. So yeah, it hurts a bit, but concentrate on other things.

However I found these comments in your initial post really disturbing:



If I got either of those comments from a close friend... well, we'd no longer be friends, I'll just put it that way. Not nice. Hopefully you feel better enough now after cooling off a bit to NOT say those things.

See if you can invite another friend to make use of the room or see if you can get the money back for that one. I hope things pick up a bit for you.

Best of luck!

The one thing I will say is that circumstances change. Yes, they might have assured you that they were going. But, in that time, how much has the cost of living gone up? They may well have budgeted for your wedding but those extra funds have had to go on the increased mortgage payments or the fuel or grocery bills. They have 4 kids, that can't be easy in the current economic climate.

H2B and I struggled to afford to go up to Brissie for a wedding earlier in the year. Airfares around weekends aren't cheap!

I was thinking that I would love to have a destination wedding myself. But then I thought about it and realised that a large portion of my guests would not have been able to afford it.
I am attending my brothers wedding on Magnetic Island in October. I live in Coffs Harbour. It is costing $1000's for me and my partner to fly up there, eat, pay for accommodation and we are both in the bridal party (I have had to pay for my BM's dress, will have to pay for hair, make up and shoes as well).
It is not just the flights that the guests would have to pay for, it is clothes to wear to the wedding, food,alcohol, transport while on holiday etc etc.
They do have 4 kids! Probably do not have much money to spare.
However, they did let you know that you would be there and you did reserve accommodation.
Basically I can see both sides of your story- I think that you need to chat with your friend and see what her thoughts are.

I agree with MissNic. Even though you have given people plenty of notice, the cost of living has gotten a lot higher in the last 2 years. Eight interest rate rises have lots of people tightening their belts - I can't imagine how hard it would be with the rises in food, petrol, etc when you factor in 4 kids as well.

I can understand your disappointment, but I'm sure when you reflect on it all, the most important people will be there (ie. yourself and H2B!!) in your dream location. Maybe you could have a celebration dinner/party when you get home for all the friends and family who couldn't make it to your destination?

Good luck