If you could have picked your family composition (number, order, gender and spacing kids) what would it be? Options

[Puggie]

I was reading a research paper which was talking about people's perception of the perfect family composition. It made interesting reading.

I always wanted 2 kids. Boy then girl. A couple of years apart. Now obviously I have some degree of control over the number, and to some extent the spacing, but no-one was more staggered than I when that's the way it worked out for us.

We didn't know Adelaide's gender before her birth, and when I was pregnant with her I was 100% certain she was a boy. I even asked about 6 times after she was born for them to take a really good look to confirm she was a she as I was so certain I had a boy on board

A friend of mine has 5 boys, and she said she always wanted 5 kids and always wanted them the same gender.

Before you started TTC did you have a preference? If you could have picked what did/do you prefer? And did this change after you had kid(s)? E.g. did you always want girls but after having a boy only want boys? Did you hope for two of the same gender close in age so they could be mates? Did you decide you wanted more, or less, after having a child?

Obviously a healthy baby is the important thing, and I hope every parent knows how incredibly blessed they are no matter which gender, spacing etc. they end up with.

I just find people's individual perceptions on what constitutes the 'perfect' family composition interesting - particularly how this idea changes and evolves.

[scasey77]

Prior to TTC I didn't have a definite idea of the number of children I wanted. Probably 2 but maybe 3 - definitely no more than that. I also wanted all girls. I come from a family of 4 girls so that is all I know and I loved growing up with sisters.

Whilst pregnant with Cate I still had that feeling of really wanting a girl. But I think as a defence mechanism I had convinced myself that she was a boy. Looking back I think I was doing that to try and minimise the "disappointment" at the actual birth if she did turn out to be a boy. Fast forward to the actual birth and the gender was the last thing on my mind and I could have cared less whether a boy or girl was the end result.

It took me a long time to contemplate having a 2nd child because being a mother came a lot harder to me than I ever thought it would. It brought out anxiety in me I never knew I had (have always been a pretty laid back person really). We had only just started considering it again when I fell pregnant with Charlie. I was shocked and it took me ages to "accept" the pregnancy. I got pregnant probably 6-9 months earlier than we wanted. Never in my dreams was I ever going to have 2 kids under 2 - but it happened and I am glad of the age gap now. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I was absoutely sure this was my last child. No inclination whatsoever to have another one. I also wanted another girl.

I decided to find out the gender this time and it was a boy. Finding this out actually helped me to bond with the pregnancy and I was really surprised that I was not upset at all at not having another girl. Actually I was upset - but only at the thought of Cate not having a sister to grow up with because that was what I knew.

So I ended up with 2 kids and still absolutely no inclination for any more. Despite wanting all girls I am so so happy to have a boy. They are extremely different children and the bond with a boy is very different to with a girl. I was speaking to my CHN about it and she said there had actually been research done on it and it is something to do with the whole connection of XY chromosones.

The only thing that has surprised me really is how hard I have found motherhood (well really just the newborn phase). I always thought I would love the newborn phase but I don't like it much at all and I think that has played a big part in my decision re the number of kids we have. If I could have a child come out at the age of 18 months I would probably have more.

[Mel B]

I didn't really have a concept of my ideal family. I think I've always been quite pragmatic in my thinking, and have been very aware of my circumstances rather than being determined to get what I wanted.

So, before I had children I thought one child would be enough for us. After all I was 37 when we started TTC, so I was grateful to have one! I was also conscious that at our age it might be a difficult adjustment and that maybe if we had one child we could fit them into our lives more easily. I was very concerned about how my DH would cope with being a father, because he was pretty open about liking having all of my attention for himself.

I really wanted a girl. If I'd been considering 2 kids I would have said 2 years apart - I have no idea why, I guess that's just what people do isn't it? But I don't think I ever would have wanted more than 2.

Then we became parents, and after the initial adjustment period I just knew I wanted another one! DH was so in love with her that he couldn't get his head around having another. So we wouldn't have actively TTC until Rosie was at least 1 and we would have had to discuss it first. But we got a little surprise when she was just 9 months. And so we have a 17 month gap. And I love the gap so much, I'm so glad that I didn't get to control things because I couldn't have imagined how perfect it would be. DH feels exactly the same way as me, he is so happy that we have 2 so close together.

As for gender of number 2, once I had a girl I really didn't care what the next one was. I remember saying how glad I was that you didn't get to choose, because I could not have picked. I loved the idea of having 2 girls so close in age, and I loved the idea of parenting both genders. I think if #1 was a boy that I would have really wanted a girl, but seeing as I changed my mind about everything else, perhaps I would have been very happy with 2 boys!

I know now, that if circumstances were different (ie I was younger!) I would have had more children. At least 3, maybe 4. But if I was younger and my life experience had been different, then maybe I wouldn't have been so ready to become a parent. We've weighed up the pros and cons and we're sticking with 2 and we're embracing all the positives of having only 2 children.

[CRose]

We had talked about 2 maybe 3 children but given that i was told that I wouldn't be able to conceive naturally and would have to have ivf we spent most of our time leading up to starting to try just hoping we would be parents one day.

Turns out the Dr was very wrong, fell pregnant first cycle both times. After I fell pregnant we started to den a little, two maybe three, no preconceptions about gender. We had a girl and were ecstatic. Most of my friends had boys so I visualized a boy baby but we always felt we were having a girl. We wanted at least two yr age gap mostly designated by a trying newborn phase and my work, and myself and Dh having large gaps between us and our siblings and wanting ours to be closer in age. The 8 months sleep deprivation brought my number down to q definite two, DH would still like to leave our options open to three. Again we were lucky to get a precise age gap. We don't mind either way two girls would be nice and so would a boy and a girl, although Dh does joke about needing a boy to even out the numbers having to have two bossy girls to contend with already.

[Vik]

My expectations have changed over the years.

Once upon a time I had definite ideas about the number of children, the time between births, gender preferences etc.

Now days I'd settle for a baby. Don't mind about gender, don't mind if another baby follows. Just one would be fine.

[Daybreak]

Obviously I haven't started having kids yet. I want at least 3 kids - to me, 2 doesn't seem complete - but on different days, that can swing as high as 5 (I'm pretty sure it won't get that high!) I think a 2-3 year age gap is ideal. I'd like at least 1 of each gender, and if we have more than 3, I don't want one to be completely outnumbered (eg 4 girls and a boy) I think I'd like a boy first.
I have 2 names for each gender which I/we are pretty set on, so I suppose 4 children, 2 of each would be ideal, but other than wanting to use the names, I'm not too set on that.

[Jaydee]

Prior to TTC I always said we'd have a boy born in August, then a girl sooner than we thought, then another boy after a big gap.

I must say, after getting the first two right (and Bee, my instincts were spot on about what time she'd be born, even- I was 5 minutes off, the midwives were 10 hours off)- I'm still a little in shock to be so wrong about this one

[pumpkinsX3]

I always wanted 4, 3 boys and a girl. 2 boys, then a girl, then another boy, with 20-26 month age gaps between each.

We have 2 boys with 22 months between them. Since I fell pregnant with #3 we have decided this is the last one and we don't know the sex.

If I could have chosen, this pregnancy would have been boy/girl twins.

[Porthos]

I had always wanted four kids and wasn't phased about gender...but wanted each gender and at least one girl (hmmm, so maybe I WAS phased about gender ).

Obviously, having difficulties TTC, in the end I was happy to have a baby.

Like Scasey, I convinced myself I was having a boy when pregnant with Cate because I wanted to avoid 'disappointment'. I too was in shock when Cate was born and when she was a girl.

When pregnant with Seamus, DH and I were both convinced we were having another girl and I was thrilled that Cate would have a sister. Cue the arrival of our little man and more shock

People kept telling me how 'clever' I was to have had a pigeon pair but I just think that is ridiculous...I had zero control over the whole thing and was just so damn grateful to have healthy babies 'on the ground'.

We will definitely try to have one more baby...and if finances were not a consideration, we'd even go four but that won't happen. DH is almost 40 too so that plays a consideration for us. I wonder if I will feel 'done' if we manage number three...I most definitely don't feel 'done' now.

To, to answer the opening post, I had *some* ideas about gender and age gap but, after dealing with some degree of infertility for three years, I was just so, so grateful to 'take what comes'. I guess real life made me change my POV

[BaliJess]

If you could pick babies from the cabbage patch then I would of picked a girl first then three years later would of picked a boy.

After our early m/c it took 12 months to conceive Max so we weren't fussed at all with what sex we were having! we started trying when he was 15mths old which would mean a two year gap as we thought it would take another 12 months to get pregnant, we got lucky first month and there are two years between them which is great but I with a magic wand would of chosen three years.

I always 'wanted' a girl but after having Max I would of been just as happy with two boys

[EJay]

Before it was sort of a proper idea DH and I had spoken about having two - and probably one of each. Not long before we found out I was pregnant we both, separately, said that we were probably just a one child family.

I wanted a boy, DH wanted a girl. When we found out the acrobat was a girl I thought I'd be really disappointed but, honestly, it felt 'right' from the moment we found out. I think DH was a little more shocked/disappointed than I was as we'd been so convinced it was a boy that he'd started to talk himself around to it.

We'll see what happens, but for now the plan is the one we've got on the way and that's what I feel like our perfect family is.

[LoveSweetpea]

Before we even started TTC #1 we always said we wanted a boy first and a girl second , 2 years apart and that if we had 2 of the same sex we'd try again but that 3 was it.

We got Jackson and he'll be almost 2 and a half when the second one is born but now I'm not so sure I want that girl second. I'll be happy either way but if I HAD to choose I'd probably go another boy. I swing a little though sometimes I think no I want a daughter other times can't even imagine not having another beautiful little boy.

[~BJL~]

I wanted four, no predetermined genders but at least one girl and one boy.

I was going to finish uni, work for a couple of years and then be a SAHM to the 4 or work part time.

Reality is I fell pregnant during my degree and I'm thinking the sleep deprivation from two young children is more than enough Perhaps if we travelled and (I) worked more before having our first, I would have been happier to settle down with more children but as it is, I like working and we want to travel both of which would be more difficult with 4 children. That and after a scary situation in DS's birth, DH will not have any more. Growing up, people always expected me to have a hoard of children (I love newborns, could have heaps of them - but then they grow into to toddlers ). Funny how the reality is different!

[nephthys]

I have never been able to picture myself as the mother of a girl, for some reason. My second child is also a boy and it seems to surprise some that I'm content with that. I would have liked a bigger family than two children, however, but my husband is adament we stop after this one, which I've agreed to, not to mention the population impact. Overall I'm happy with my lot.

[AK2]

I always wanted a girl. I don't have any sisters, only 1 female cousin (and about 15 male cousins) and I don't have a close relationship with my mother. Growing up, everyone in the family would always say that 'Amy will have 'the girl' one day' and I felt a huge amount of pressure there (my mother had four children- me and then three boys, she always wanted another girl so I think I feel a lot of pressure to live her dream for her).

When we found out our first was a boy, I was a little disappointed but really loved the idea of having a son who was just like my husband. DH's family name would also 'end' with him if he didn't have a son (not that it's an uncommon name ). I was really happy.

Second time around, I was 'convinced' it was a girl. Different pregnancy, met all the girl signs, and when I thought about the two of them together I always imagined a boy/girl pair. It's hard even now to visualize my two sons playing together, in my head I'm still seeing my daughter, if that makes any sense?

As far as timing goes, we fell pregnant accidentally with our first, a few years earlier than planned. We always wanted a 2-3 year gap between our kids, so as a result our second is a few years earlier as well....but we've just adjusted the plan.

Numbers? DH is 110% happy with two, I'm 99.9995% convinced we will stop at two, depending on what the next few years bring.