Am I being unfair and horrible???, please tell me what you think Options

[lena]

So its a week and 2 days to I get to meet my new little man and I am soooooo excited, I can't wait. As you know DH and I have been separated for 4 months now and he is now begging me (well a better word would be harrassing me) to come back before the baby is born. I told him earlier if he wanted me back before baby he better do some changing before june came around and he didn't do anything but now it is so close he is desperate,but there still hasn't been any change.

He assures me things will be different and what happened will never happen again but he is still drinking and stopped going to his cousellor as soon as they wanted to talk about his drinkinf and anxiety problems so I have no idea how he can promise that.

He says he doesn't want to miss out on any of the babies life and this is what is making me feel soooooooo terribly horrible. I wouldn't either. When I say you didn't do a thing with Zack when he was born he says and that is something he regrets big time and doesn't want to make the same mistake agian. Its not like he wont see the baby every day, I take ZAck down every day for hours.

I have told him that after the c-section I will need to feel comfortable and supported especially with having Zack to look after too and I don't think (KNOW) he can't do that. He says he will support me. I feel that it is better for me and Zack to stay with mum and dad (which is only 4 houses away from our house anyway) for 4-6 weeks till I am settled and healed a bit and then come back if some things have changed. He says if I take the baby up here he can't do it. I don't see why I have to do all the giving when he has done nothing.

I don't think I will feel comfortable at home with him at the moment I think I will be on edge in case I do something that will upset him (such as dad help look after Zack (he has taken holidays to help me out) while he is at work). I am MAINLY scared bc his parents will be back from holidays and yes things have been ok now but as soon as evil MIL comes back things will change again I am sure. I think she will be even fuller on if we get back together trying to break us up for good. Now I am sure you will really think I am horrible for this but I haven't even told James when I will be having baby and don't plan to until 1 or 2 days before bc I don't want them to be home for the birth and I am scared that if I tell him he will tell them and they will come home early and I don't want that one added stress.

I do feel horrible and I do see why he wants me home so much (and truely I think he wants me home more then our children). So I thought maybe I am being horrible and unfair to him. What do you think? Should I go back or stick with what I feel most comfortable with. Any advise. The harrassment saying the same thing over and over again is really getting to me and pushing me away further bc I don't want to see and talk to him bc I know it will start again.

I know its long and jumbled. Thanks if you got this far.

[MissNic]

Lena - You've not been in anyway unreasonable. You've told him what he needs to do to have you back and he hasn't done it, so guess what, you're sticking to your guns.

If he is serious about wanting to be involved in this bubs life more than he was with Zach, he has to give up the booze and get himself together and stop being so selfish, there is another little life involved here.

I think you've been straight with him and so strong through all of this and TBH he needs to man up and sort himself out. You've done the right thing by you and your children.

[Becca13]

I wouldn't do it.

You and your baby come first, if you're uncomfortable, the baby will be too.

Tell him he can visit, he needs to change, he had a chance and as yet he hasn't.

Tell him to get back to his counsellor, and until he does his visitation will be limited, him moving back in won't even be considered.

Call me a hard arse, but he needs to grow up and be a husband and father and it seems he's struggling with that, your kids don't need to deal with that and neither do you.

[beachgurl]

Lena, I wouldn't do it either. The additional hormones flying around after having a baby make most women in a totally loving, stable relationship go into overdrive, so I would think it is best if you remain in your parents home. The baby won't remember that he is not around early on, so let him be around to visit but if he does do what he promises then he has plenty of time to do so and still ensure he is around for the new addition in the coming months.

You are already so worried about him not doing what he says he will and if your little man will be looked after as you wish. I think agreeing to have him back full time would be too much for you right now. Not to mention the inlaws getting involved. You need to be able to walk away from that and if MIL does not have the right to be around you 24/7 by you being with your husband then she can be shown the door and you can go back to your stable homelife.

you have to be number one right now, regardless of the guilt trips put on you. You are nurturing this little baby inside you so you need to be in the best condition you can be so that you both have a wonderful birth and you both are thriving afterwards.

[babybonus]

I don't see why I have to do all the giving when he has done nothing.

You don't have to until he does. Promises just don't cut it. If he is to have you back then he needs to show real change. You're right, you're being unfair because you're the only one who's doing anything to hold your marriage together. It's his turn now.

You've made it clear what he needs to do. Maybe you need to highlight that it's his choice. The only thing stopping him from having you back is his drinking. Only he has the power to change all that and get him what he wants. Maybe by putting it to him that way it will give him some strength to give up drinking or at least continue seeing the counsellor?

[KoolKat]

Lena, if he was desperate to not miss any of the baby's life, he would go to the end of the earth to show you that the drinking has stopped and that he is improving himself as person. He is far from doing this.

Just a thought though, does he NEED you to help him stop drinking? Not sure if I make any sense, but is he trying to say that he needs you around to help him keep on track and be accountable? I'm just trying to look at it from another perspective.

[lena]

Just a thought though, does he NEED you to help him stop drinking? Not sure if I make any sense, but is he trying to say that he needs you around to help him keep on track and be accountable? I'm just trying to look at it from another perspective.

This is what I do think he is saying. I think he is saying if I am not there there is no use in him fixing things, bc he has nothing else to live for without me. He said to me the other day that you have your family (mum, dad, aunties, uncles, sister, nan and pop) and he has no one. I said you chose to take your mothers side thats why we started fighting so you have her now. But I know he doesn't have any of there support, they think he is worthless and use him like hell but he still jumps at there every requests and puts them before me. He has always said he was never loved until he met me. But I don't think that will change he is to scared of them and tries soooo hard to please them which will never happen.

But then he says if I take baby away its over and I say then you will miss out on more then you would have before thats his choice. He is just use to naggin and nagging me until i give in even if it is not what I want. I am not doing it anymore I am putting me and our kids first.

[sam-lou]

lena i think even if he does need you around to give him support to change that that is a bit of a cop out. you have given him so many opportunities to change, seek help etc etc and he really isnt prepared to do this. having you home again without things improving is not a step forward, he hasnt been able to make the effort and should not be giving you ultimatums like if you stay at your parents then thats it.

so sorry that you are dealing with all this. you are very strong and doing the right thing in putting your kids first.

[KoolKat]

You are right, you need to put your children and yourself first. I'm sure nagging you will not get him anywhere. Is there no one else he could talk to (besides the MIL) or look to for support to help him if he is really trying to say that he can't do it without help?

As I have said before, I admire your strength in this and I really hope things resolve themselves one way or another soon for you x

[karry327]

I told him earlier if he wanted me back before baby he better do some changing before june came around and he didn't do anything but now it is so close he is desperate,but there still hasn't been any change.

I'm sorry Lena however he can't want it enough if he hasn't even made any of the changes you stated needed to be made by June.

No way would I be going back. Make him show you all the reasons you should return before you do.

Put yourself and your children first.

[chickie]

Lena I think you are being more than fair and reasonable with him.

and more importantly you are being fair to yourself and your children. he is not a child, he understands right from wrong and the consequences that he has to live with if he doesnt do the right thing. he just doesnt like it so is trying to get around it by nagging & making you feel bad.

he had you at home helping him to try to give up drinking before you left didnt he? he cant use you not being there as an excuse, it just doesnt make sense. if he says he has nothing to live for if you are not there, then he needs to do the things that you have clearly and repeatedly told him that you need before you go back.

and as for him missing out on the new baby, yes, it's very sad, but it is an outcome of his own making.

He is a grown up who can make things happen for himself.
Your kids are fully reliant on you to keep them safe and to provide them with a good home environment.
You are doing the right thing.

I cant even begin to imagine how hard it would be, you are so strong

[d00nd00nian]

You've made it clear what he needs to do. Maybe you need to highlight that it's his choice. The only thing stopping him from having you back is his drinking. Only he has the power to change all that and get him what he wants. Maybe by putting it to him that way it will give him some strength to give up drinking or at least continue seeing the counsellor?

So well said!! This! Sorry I couldn't add anything constructive but this says it all.

[lena]

Thanks girls its good to know I am not being unreasonable. I didn't really think I was but thoughy maybe I was over reacting. Yes he is nagging me and putting the guilt trip on me and it is making me feel very guilty. I just want this baby to come now!!!!

[SmittenKitten]

This may sound harsh so I do appologise if it does. We have spoken alot via PM so I think you know how I feel about the situation!

If he really wanted to change to provide for his family. He would. He does not sound like HE really wants to make the commitment to change himself, not only for his family but also for himself. Until HE realises he has a problem then nothing is going to change IMO. I think you are being very reasonable with him.

Only HE can see his problems and until he opens his eyes the world will stay rose coloured and all his anxities will be hidden behind the bottle. Maybe just keep saying to him. "Until you go to councelling and speak about our problems then my hands are tied. You need to fix the problem and until that happens I will be with my parents."

[Trishy]

Only HE can see his problems and until he opens his eyes the world will stay rose coloured and all his anxities will be hidden behind the bottle. Maybe just keep saying to him. "Until you go to councelling and speak about our problems then my hands are tied. You need to fix the problem and until that happens I will be with my parents."

I really agree with this comment. Lena, I believe you are a very strong lady & will get through this. It's lovely to hear you have the support from your parents. I wish you all the best, stay strong you deserve all the happiness in the world x