Telling my Difficult Mother in Law Options

[Ronniebear]

Hey girls.. we're about 6 weeks along, and DH and I have agreed that tomorrow morning we'll tell our mums...

I need to tell my mum, I need to have her to talk to because I've been feeling a bit scared about some of the things that are going on.. but hubby insists on principle that we should tell both at once.

I have had a difficult relationship with his mum for nearly 15 years.. she is an eastern european mama, is very emotionally needy and I don't really like her.
After we got married, I had to establish some boundaries so she didn't encroach on our relationship (DH was like a substitute husband emotionally for her when her marriage broke down).. it was difficult, but the end result was a much healthier relationship.

We have gotten along quite well for the past 4 years.. BUT I have a gut feeling this pregnancy is going to cause something inside her needy brain to snap and she's gonna go nuts and forget all her boundaries.. and I feel pretty vulnerable right now.. a bit out of sorts, tired AS..

I might have to gather the courage to be a bitch and lay some boundaries on her again.. DH is great and will stick up for me if she steps out of line, but I still feel frightened.

Do you ladies have any advice for dealing with pain in the a@# mother in laws?
I wish mine would just pack up her house and move to the moon

[AnA927]

Congratulations, what wonderful news!

I'm not sure if it's quite the same, but DH and his mum have a very close relationship, and she relies on him more than DH's dad. Probably because DH tolerates her more than her own husband...

I too had to set boundaries when we married (she wanted us to live in eachother's pocket and it simply wasnt going to happen). I had to repeatedly set boundaries around all sorts of things, including WHEN we would have children. She's realized that I am very independent and let's DH and I live the way we want.

Same happened when I became pregnant, but honestly it wasn't as bad. By now she would had an idea of what the boundaries were, and what i was comfortable with, and was pretty good about it. As this is our first, I asked her every now and then what she did with DH as a baby (she loved that, and to be honest I liked to hear about it), she cooked for me when we came over, and stuff like that. Whenever she became demanding/annoying/bossy, I just went back to the way I normally have to manage her

Stay strong and it will be ok. She will be over the moon for you both and might get a little over zealous, but just do what you are already doing. As you say, this will help the relationship stay positive.

[Kerala]

If you are really concerned and feeling quite vunerable I would have a conversation with DH about not telling his Mum yet, and asking his support for this. In different circumstances it might be that you would tell them at the same time, but you are telling your Mum for additional support, rather than information sharing as such. DH's Mother won't necessacarily need to know when you told your Mum.

Good luck!

[**** Sarah and Adam ****]

I'd question telling her right now but I appreciate your DH's views on telling them at the same time. I think clear boundaries need to be set, maybe a statement from DH to her that you both need space right now whilst you wait out the first trimester and digest what this baby means for you as a couple. Reset boundaries if she breaks them because if she steps out of line whilst pregnant then its going to be worse when bub arrives.
Also, just be prepared for weird things that MIL's can say. Mine has said some awful things, I remember when we told them about our first in utero child she told me about miscarriages. I think she thought she was being helpful, I've learnt I'm also hyper sensitive when pregnant.

Tread carefully, be true to yourselves.

[Ronniebear]

Congratulations, what wonderful news!

I'm not sure if it's quite the same, but DH and his mum have a very close relationship, and she relies on him more than DH's dad. Probably because DH tolerates her more than her own husband...

I too had to set boundaries when we married (she wanted us to live in eachother's pocket and it simply wasnt going to happen). I had to repeatedly set boundaries around all sorts of things, including WHEN we would have children. She's realized that I am very independent and let's DH and I live the way we want.

Same happened when I became pregnant, but honestly it wasn't as bad. By now she would had an idea of what the boundaries were, and what i was comfortable with, and was pretty good about it. As this is our first, I asked her every now and then what she did with DH as a baby (she loved that, and to be honest I liked to hear about it), she cooked for me when we came over, and stuff like that. Whenever she became demanding/annoying/bossy, I just went back to the way I normally have to manage her

Stay strong and it will be ok. She will be over the moon for you both and might get a little over zealous, but just do what you are already doing. As you say, this will help the relationship stay positive.

Thanks Ana.. This sounds a lot like me too..she appears to have "gotten the idea" over the years and respects me more than she used to... Lovely to hear your positive story- has given me hope